Couple Therapy Experience - Essay Example

Phuong Ta of the English 101 December 8, 2005 Couple Therapy America is known to have the highest divorce rate in the world and the primary reason is because many of these couples fail to communicate. As stated by Rowan John in 2004, communication gap is the reason why men and women constantly fight. Hence, they find it difficult to come up with an amicable solution. Communication gap is defined as lack of proper communication thus leading to a misunderstanding and responding negatively. My personal experience proves the above point. For example, when I was involved in a relationship, I had differences with my partner and we indulged in arguments and shouted at each other. We tried to come up with a lot of solutions but failed miserably, thus leading to a break up just after three years of courtship. However, I strongly feel that mine was not a stray case of a strained relationship. As a human being, individuals have trouble communicating with each other in any form. As I deal with this subject in depth, I would be a better listener and help in solving problems thus preparing for building a strong relationship in future. Therefore, I firmly believe that communication is the strongest tool to maintain good relationships. A relationship is the foundation that two people build up together everyday by communicating and trying to gain each other's trust. As stated by Lingren in 2004, trust is built on mutual respect and acceptance to each other's differences. The relationship gets stronger with trust, in other words trust and relationship are directly proportional to each other i.e., the more the two trust each other, the stronger is the relationship between them. Commitment is usually taken for granted by couples and can easily disappear. Once a couple truly commits, the commitment will help them get through life as a whole rather than as separate individuals. Because marriage is a lifetime process, skills suggest that people need to know and understand each other very well and develop ideas of learning new aspects about each other, thus satisfying the partner's needs. Happiness is the best remedy to any relationship. Caring is one of the many ways to exhibit love thus meaning a support to each other's development and personal interests. Lingren stated in 2004, "Nurturant love exists when, meeting the needs of your partner is just as important as having your own needs met". Reciprocity is avoiding things that may upset or hurt each other's feelings "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Effort means being willing to work together to develop a mutually satisfying relationship. The lacking of expectation is the main reason that causes people to be unhappy about their relationship. Expectation means letting each other know that he or she needs all the support and one tender embrace from their partner means everything for them in world. Men and women are most comfortable to express their feelings with one or few people who they feel close to. According to Tannen, men are public speakers or report-talkers where they talk just to preserve independence, negotiate or maintain social status. For this reason, men sometimes do not feel like talking to their wives at home, but are comfortable talking to their friends at a party or coworkers whereas women only feel like talking to their closest friends or husband. For example, in her article, Tannen mentions a story about a couple where every time the wife asks her husband about his day; he ignores her and merely replies such as "Rough" or "It's a jungle out there." But when they go out or visit a guest or attend a party, he turns to be a totally different person. He becomes sociable and comes up with the most interesting stories that people hang on every word. In this story, the wife needs to understand that it is neither her or his fault that the husband does not feel like talking to her. She needs to understand the differences of the way men express their feelings and from there try to get used to it. Similarly, Gray states that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Gray believes that women express their feelings by assuming a poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally and misunderstand the intended meaning and thus react in an unsupportive manner. Further Gray adds For example, a women may say, "I am so tired, I can't do anything," which she means as "I have been doing so much today. I really need a rest before I can do anything else. I am so lucky to have your support. Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I am doing a good job and that I deserve a rest" But a man, however, may hear as "I do everything and you do nothing. You should do more. I can't do it all. I feel so hopeless; I want a 'real man' to live with. Picking you was a big mistake." Because men and women have a different way of talking to each other, they usually tend to misinterpret and the only way to resolve this conflict is by learning about each other's ideas and be supportive by listening to what the other has to say. Conflict is unavoidable no matter what people do; therefore, people should not fear it, but should be able to admit it, try to understand the cause and figure out a possible solution. After doing much research and experimentation, Page explained in 2000, that three basic skills can save couples from misunderstanding each other and creating a conflict: The first skill is making "I" statement instead of "You" statements, listen, understand and accept the difference between men and women, ask for what one wants and affirm others. When a person is upset, his or her natural tendency is to say something hurtful towards the other person such as "You are awful" or "You don't understand me at all." These "You" statements' purposes are only to blame, accuse and criticize the person who was being angry with. These statements are extremely unkind and will more likely increase conflicts. Whereas, an "I" statement is an acknowledgement or a report about how one feels or experiences something. It says nothing about the other person. By using "I" statement, one can actually transform what might otherwise be a fight into a constructive and even a very close, warm conversation. When a couple has an argument they should not be using "You" to blame each other and make the situation to worse. Instead they can use "I" to realize their fault and come up with a solution to solve the problem. The second skill that can help communication is listening i.e., putting oneself in the other person's shoes. It means trying to understand the other point of view before one tries to make oneself understand. It also means empathizing with the other person's feelings, thoughts and attitudes. The third skill is to understand and accept the differences between men and women. When two people understand each other, they can easily relate and predict one another's reactions and help move the relationship forward in the right direction There are some strategies that help eliminate anger when there is a fight including remaining calm, speaking nondefensively, validation and over learning. In a relationship, people may experience something called flooding, which is the emotion or anger that has been saved over the year without disclosing or having come to solutions. "Because flooding is so destructive to a relationship, the first strategy one needs to learn is to recognize them one is feeling overwhelmed and then make a deliberate effort to calm down."(Susan Page 2000). During a fight, if people feel their heart beating faster and they become emotionally stressed, they obviously need a time-out. Listening and speaking without being defensive helps counter destructive habits "Nondefensive listening is especially helpful to ease defensiveness."(Susan Page 2000). To improve a relationship, people must remind themselves that their mates' negative qualities do not cancel out all the positives that pull them together in the first place. For example, a couple rarely has a problem and the husband always tries bringing happiness to his wife. Suddenly, he makes a mistake and she cannot forgive him easily. The wife should think back of all his positive qualities and cancel out his mistake; from this experiment their relationship could be closer. Most importantly, one should always look at the positive side of every situation before jumping to any conclusion about his or her partner. On the other hand, another effective tool for maintaining a relationship is validation, which means letting one know that he or she has all the support and acknowledgement from his or her partner. In other words, validation is experiencing and being able to see the world through the other person's eyes, feeling whatever the other person feels. To achieve the state of being validated, one can start off by taking more responsibility, apologizing whenever there is a mistake, and complimenting the partner frequently. Finally, over learning is to try over and over until both can be successful at resolving their conflict and communicate better Page stated in 2000 that "The idea is that if one overlearns a communication skill, one will have access to it when he or she needs it the most such as during an argument or heated fight when one is physiologically aroused. That is when all of the overlearning will pay off". In order to have good communication in relationship, both have to work together with an open mind and automatically the relationship is bound to become healthy and successful. Asking for what one truly wants is very essential in a relationship because if one does not, the consequences can become terrible. Anything one wants and is not requesting becomes a secret, because now one person knows something that the other person is not aware of, that will eventually turn into a wall separating two partners from each other. Why is it so hard to voice out one's true desire As stated by Page in 2000, "Basically, because we are afraid that asking for what we want will cause a conflict or discomfort of one kind or another." Page also suggests some small steps that can help people to come out and say what they want. First, they need to figure out exactly what they like and asking questions such as "Do I really want to do that" or "Will I be happy or satisfied doing that" Second, before requesting, they need to tell their partners that they are not criticizing him or her, that they are simply stating a preference. Third is to time the request appropriately. Following is being specific, brief and asking in an open-minded non-demanding way. And the most important thing to keep in mind is if asking in one way does not work, do not give up and try again in a new method. Lastly, affirming others is what can help the relationship last longer and become more special. Everyone wants to be affirmed, complimented, praised, thanked, and acknowledged, therefore, that will not hurt to say nice things to each other every time once in a while "Affirming others means more than just remembering to toss a few kind words in their direction, it means thinking about how that person feels, knowing what that person is concerned about, giving full attention to the other person." One of the best way to affirm is by asking questions that indicate that one remembers what is going on in that person's life. In relationship, every one must always remember that in order to make the relationship to work and become worthwhile, two people must compromise and work at the same time. As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango." The key to a better relationship is to keep trying and never give up because when we love someone, it is never a shame to show that person our love in any way possible. Work Cited Page Gray, John. Mars And Venus On A Date (Page 17, 21). HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street. New York, NY 10022. Lingren, Herbert. Your Pure Life. "Strengthening The Couple Relationship." July 2004. The Her Lingren Memorial Fund and University of Nebraska Foundation (Pages 2 and 3) Page, Susan. Writing The World "Advice For Couples Who Strive." (Pages-27, 36, 37, 41,45, 48 and 59). Eds. Charles R.Cooper and Susan Peek MacDonald. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's, 2000. 26-30. Tanen, Deborah. You Just Don't Understand (Page 10). William Morrow and Company, Inc. 105 Madision Avenue, New York. NY 10016. Rowan, John. Association for Humanistic Psychology. "Couple Therapy or Counseling." July 2004. Read More