Therapeutic Techniques for Couples Who Have Experienced Extra Marital Affairs - Essay Example

Couples therapy/therapeutic techniques for couples who have experienced extra marital affairs At one time or the other every couple has faced problems in their relationship. Living with a partner is a complex and challenging experience and it can potentially be both rewarding and painful. The greatest trauma one may experience in married life is the discovery of a partners infidelity. As most people enter into marriage with the unquestioned belief that both partners will remain faithful to one another, the discoverers basic beliefs about the relationship are painfully questioned and trust in the partner is virtually destroyed. The discovered partner often experiences intense shame and behaves defensively as a result, leading to a further downward spiral in the relationship (Lusterman, 2006). Marriage has been becoming increasingly unstable in many countries for the past few decades. For example, a high proportion of all first marriages in the United States are likely to end in divorce, whereas remarriage with new partners are not less prone to dissolution (e.g., Lillard and Waite, 1990). In the United States, the divorce rate had risen steadily from 2.5 per 1000 population in 1966 to a peak of 5.3 in both 1979 and 1981 (Clarke, 1995a). On the other hand, the marriage rate reached a historic high of 16.4 per 1000 population in 1946 and started declining (Clarke, 1995b). Both rates continue to decline and for the 12-month ending with September 2003, the marriage rate and divorce rate were 7.6 and 3.8, respectively (Sutton and Munson, 2004). Indeed, divorce is one of the salient features of modern life that has important implications for social and public policy (Fan and Lui, 2004). Family structure in the United States changed rapidly in the second half of the twentieth century. A wide variety of family forms increasingly replaced the two-parent family norm. In 2001, 69 percent of children lived in two-parent families, down from 77 percent in 1980 (Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, 2002). Divorce is common. About half of all recent first marriages are expected to end in divorce (Ooms, 2002). Of children born into two-parent families, 34 percent will experience a disruption of their parents’ union by age 16. One-third of all births are out-of-wedlock. And couples opting to cohabit rather than marry is becoming an increasingly common phenomenon. Forty percent of all births occur within cohabiting unions rather than marriages (Bumpass & Lu, 2000). Some European countries also experienced a precipitous decline in marriage rates but have recently seen those rates level and even rise (Ford, 2002). Recently marriage has become a national issue of public policy in the United States. The Bush Administration has proposed that the Federal government dedicate $300 million a year as part of the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program to "help couples form and sustain healthy marriages." Proposed legislation focuses on eight allowable activities: 1. Public advertising campaigns on the value of marriage and the skills needed to increase marital stability and health. 2. Education in high schools on the value of marriage, relationship skills, and budgeting. 3. Marriage education, marriage skills, and relationship skills programs, which may include parenting skills, financial management, conflict resolution, and job and career advancement, for non-married pregnant women and non-married expectant fathers. 4. Pre-marital education and marriage skills training for engaged couples and for couples or individuals interested in marriage. 5. Marriage enhancement and marriage skills training programs for married couples. 6. Divorce reduction programs that teach relationship skills. 7. Marriage mentoring programs, which use married couples as role models and mentors. 8. Programs to reduce the disincentives to marriage in means-tested aid programs, if offered in conjunction with any activity described in this subparagraph. Source: Personal Responsibility, Work, and Family Promotion Act of 2003. H.R.4.IH Even though there is a strong norm in society against extramarital sexual relationships (Treas & Giesen, 2000), sexual affairs are a problem in many marriages. Recent national studies have found that nearly one-quarter of husbands and more than one in ten wives has had extramarital sex at some point during their marriage (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, & Michaels, 1994). For example, Wiederman (1997) reported that 22.7% of married men and 11.6% of women had extramarital sex during their marriage. These percentages include 4.1% of men and 1.7% of women who had sex outside of marriage within the last 12 months. Reasons or Circumstances for Extramarital Affairs An affair is a sexual participation with someone other than the spouse, which is hidden from the spouse. The affair is an indication of problems in the marital relationship. The discovery of the affair precipitates a crisis in the marriage. The most intimidating aspect is not the affair itself, but the feelings of betrayal and helplessness. Affairs presume a wide variety of forms and are conducted in many creative ways. The motivations for having them and the meanings attached to them are many and diverse, as are the circumstances of discovery and the resulting effects. Several factors such as the life stage, their individual and couple systemic dynamics, their value system and the social-cultural context in which the affair takes place. Psychologists and therapists have identified several the reasons for extramarital affairs. It may start with a meeting a person with common interest in a social gathering or any other simple situations in which the persons involved themselves would not assume that they will ultimately end up in an affair. Several factors such as alternative lifestyle, sexual causes, boredom, unhappiness, need to be needed, emotional disturbance, long distance marriages, contribute to conditions which increase the likelihood of one or both partners in a marriage having an affair (Chan, 1996). The widespread phenomenon of extramarital affairs has been addressed successfully by many. These works provide comprehensive coverage of the theoretical and therapeutic issues, both individual and systemic, related to affairs and their precursors. And most of them have tried to address the reasons for such affairs. The following are a few common reasons or the fertile grounds for the development of extramarital affairs. Life stage: According to Ahrons (1987) the mid-life stage is a lengthy and complicated period in the life cycle of the couple. The spouses reach this stage after a lengthy socialization into the belief that it is primarily marriage and family that make life meaningful. It is during this stage that the need to refocus, review and often re-establish the marital arrangement becomes highlighted (McCullough & Rutenberg 1988). Spouses usually begin to strive to or acquire more freedom to explore their personal needs and they begin to examine their "marital contract" from a new vantage point. Intimacy avoidance resulting in emotional detachment: After several years of married life patterns take each other and their emotional needs for granted. At some point in the relationship, these marital partners unconsciously or consciously decide not to be intimately involved in one anothers emotional life inside or outside of the home. One or both may cease to be curious or really interested in the world of the other. Over time, a certain kind of emotional detachment and "relational blindness" may develop, combined with the former feeling of comfort and trust that is not really tested and may no longer be appropriate. Besides some of the couples try to avoid any conflicts in their stable marriage, try to hide such affairs. Conflicting needs are hidden or resolved outside of the marriage. Years of unsatisfactory or absent sex and /or physical affection: Many of the therapists have identified the lack of passion and/or desire and attraction, sexual dysfunction such as impotence and chronic premature ejaculation, inhibiting or inhibited sexual behavior, lack of sexual sensitivity, chronic use of sex as a power tactic, as well as long-standing difficulty (usually of one of the spouses) with the physical expression of love and affection are some of the reasons for avoiding physical relation. Chronic Dissatisfaction with the Power-Balance in the Relationship: Many couples are in a state of a stalemated inequity of power (in the sense of influence or ability to get needs met) linking one or more important issues. The stalemate is kept because each spouse feels unable to take a step toward a more harmonious balance. What often stop them is the fear of additional pain, and the fear of losing personal or interpersonal power. Ideal marriage and family: Often, the spouses involved are considered "ideal couples". They do many things together, they "look good" in public, and appear to enjoy very friendly relations; in fact, they have developed sophisticated mechanisms for covering up the "holes" in the relationship. The marriage may be held together by belief in family rather than by strong emotional bonds between the spouses. In such circumstances, an extramarital affair helps in breaking the facade. Personal changes or transitions: Situations in life and the transitions during these stages may result in stress and either of the couple may find relief in and extramarital affair. During these transitions a much greater need and demand for emotional, physical and/or sexual support is experienced, although some spouses react in the opposite way, requiring - consciously or unconsciously - some emotional distancing from the other spouse or the family as a whole. An extramarital affair may supply both needs (Moultrup, 1990). Challenges to the Previous Value System, Marital and/or Family Structure: Situations where faithfulness seems to be out fashioned by either of the partner causes serious problems in marriage. Besides altering the division of roles and perhaps creating a hierarchical change and unbalancing the power-relationship among the couples also strains the relationship. Couples therapy Following the disclosure or discovery of an affair, both the hurt spouse and the marital relationship are typically in a deep crisis. In response to the damaging impact of affairs on relationships, therapists have addressed the clinical treatment of infidelity. The first and foremost objective of the therapist is in assessing the clients point in the grief reaction, level of crisis, interpretation, and past coping skills provides the therapist with guidelines for handling the response. Several therapists have developed typologies of affairs. For instance, Brown (1991) differentiated five types of affairs: The conflict-avoidant marriage, the intimacy-avoidant marriage, "out-the-door" affairs, sexual addiction, and empty-nest affairs. Pittman and Wagers (1995) suggested that extramarital sex can be classified as accidental infidelity, philandering, romantic affairs, and marital arrangements. Spring (1996) suggests that there are three stages in the healing process after an affair has been revealed. First, both partners need to normalize their feelings; second, they must decide whether they want to recommit to their relationship or terminate it; and third, if they decide to recommit to the relationship, they must undertake the process of rebuilding it. This last stage involves ending the relationship with the third person, earning back trust, communicating pain, becoming sexually intimate again if intimacy had been interrupted, and forgiving the person who had the affair (Olson, et al 2002). Reconciliation is defined as the restoration of trust in an interpersonal relationship through mutual trustworthy behaviors. If reconciliation is to occur, a break in the relationship happened. Generally, that break will involve a violation of trust through interpersonal injury or insult, devaluation of the partner or the other party, a lack of respect, or failure to agree on a topic considered important. Reconciliation implies that the difference or disruption was mended and council reestablished with the help of a therapist. Hargraves (1994) forgiveness model was inspired by contextual family therapy (Boszormenyi-Nagy & Krasner, 1986) and extends forgiveness theory to intergenerational relations (Hargrave, 1994). Within this model, the concept of relational ethics provides a way of understanding how trust is established in relationships and how it can be reestablished when the balance between the give and take results in destructive entitlement. Infidelity is surely one way of threatening trust and creating destructive entitlement. Hargrave identifies "four stations of forgiveness" including insight, understanding, giving opportunity for compensation, and overt acts of forgiving. In Hargraves model, affect is the result of violations of trust and love and includes such emotions as shame and rage. These emotions are thought to contribute to attempts to overcontrol relationships as well as giving up all control. A position Hargrave calls "chaos." Elements of affect, cognition, and behavior are clearly present in Hargraves model. He also acknowledges that "Some individuals ... experience a wide range of feelings and actions as they alternate shame/rage, control/chaotic cycles" (Hargrave & Sells, 1997, p. 43). This description is reminiscent of the emotional "roller coaster" described by our respondents. Trust building, includes a number of behavioral indicators, such as offering of apologies, becoming more accountable throughout the day and making tasks for the good of the family a priority. Because of their belief that betrayal within a relationship is a traumatic experience, it is expected to see repression, numbness, and denial during their initial stage of discovery. The awareness that ones marital partner has been sexually involved with someone else frequently challenges ones own feelings of sexual adequacy and self-respect. The client may express feelings of low self-esteem, worry, depression. The intensity and the duration of these feeling will vary with each clients ego strength, his or her supportive resources. Hence, it is essential for the therapist to restore the clients self-esteem. Refraining, exploration and resolving needs to be undertaken by the therapist to re-build the clients self-esteem (Chan, 1996). Finally, in today’s world where maintaining a strong married life is becoming more and more difficult process, couples therapy plays and important role. Couples therapy must begin with an acknowledgment of the trauma/shock experienced by the discoverer. The therapist must help both partners understand the precise nature of the trauma occasioned by the infidelity and its predictable effects. Integrating this psycho-educational focus with a strongly empathic attitude toward the discoverers pain models for the offending mate the empathy needed to support his or her partner and provides a basis for understanding how healing can occur. Above all these treatments need to help the couple to take good decisions, rebuilding the trust, self-esteem and to overcome the guilt and maintain a healthy marriage. References Ahrons, C. R., (1987) Divorce families. New York: Norton. Boszormenyi-Nagy, I., & Krasner, B. (1986). Between give and take: A clinical guide to contextual therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel. Brown, E. (1991). Patterns of infidelity and their treatment. New York: Brunner/Mazel. Bumpass, L. & Lu, H. (2000). “Trends in cohabitation and implications for children’s family contexts in the United States” Population Studies, 54, 29-41. 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Sexual infidelity among married and cohabiting Americans. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 49-60. Weiderman, M. W. (1997). Extramarital sex: Prevalence and correlates in a national survey. Journal of Sex Research, 34, 167-174. Read More