Couples and Sex: What Stops Them from Having an Intimate Sexual Relationship - Essay Example

Couples and Sex: What Stops them from Having an Intimate Sexual Relationship? INTRODUCTION "Close relationships are possibly the optimal context forinvestigating and understanding human emotional experiences in general and the emotional processes affecting marriage in particular" (Greenberg and Johnson, 1988, p. 3). Most human beings are looking for a close relationship. Some want a long-term relationship while others want relationships with many people. When couples come together for dating, many hope that this dating will eventually lead to marriage. Central to some of that decision will be whether the couple is compatible sexually. In long-term relationships, couples hope that there sex lives will be fun and exciting but at some point in the relationship, sexual satisfaction can wane. When this happens, feelings can get hurt and emotions can run the gamut. Many couples are able to move through issues around sex by communicating their needs to their partners. Others will go to marriage counseling to see whether their marriage can be saved, while other couples will end in divorce. The question that comes to mind is, "What role does sex play in a committed relationship?" In exploring this question, the issue of attachment injury was revealed as the number one difficulty in the relationship that will be the reason that intimacy stops, which means the sexual relationship usually suffers. All couples have challenges with sex whether they are married or not. There are times when sex does not seem to be "good" or when couples perceive that "something is missing". Humphreys (2007) states that lack of attachment is possible when couples are not committed to each other in a couple relationship. Patz and Herr (2003) suggested that this is also due to the idea that many couples do not understand how to support each other in their greatest times of need. Johnson (2006) states that this is another way that couples are exhibiting attachment injuries and they must repair them if they are going to keep their marriage intact. In this research project I will explore the concept of Attachment Injury which is related to Attachment Theory. This is an important subject for me as a counselor because there are a variety of couples that present sexual problems that turn out to be the result of attachment injuries from their past. I will rely somewhat on Johnsons work in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples because it is the primary therapy for healing attachment injuries I would like to understand this concept as a way to help clients in the future to create a stronger foundation for an intimate sexual experience. BACKGROUND There has been a wealth of information on how attachment injury affects couples (Makinen & Johnson, 2006). Many couples experience hurt feelings when their partner either denies sexual intercourse or they find that their spouse has been cheating. Feeney (2005) found that how an individual felt was directly related to how they had formed attachments in early life. According to Johnson (2006), attachment injury is "a perceived abandonment, betrayal or breach of trust in a critical moment of need for support expected of attachment figures" (p. 295). In other words, part of the challenge for couples is that one or both will perceive that they are not being supported by the other partner; they may also perceive this as rejection. Emotions play a very large part in these situations. Emotion is the way in which people understand each other and how they perceive each others actions. Often couples rely on sexual intimacy to make them feel more attached to one another. STATEMENT OF THE ISSUE According to Feeney (2005), couple relationships cannot be fully understood without considering the role of emotion (p. 295). Within this framework, couples will have their most intense moments when they are trying to develop and maintain their relationships. Feeney studied the relationship of attachment to hurt feelings He examined two issues: 1)whether hurt feelings happened because one spouse did something wrong and therefore had a low attachment to the relationship or 2) to understand the relationship between the difference types of "hurt eliciting events" (p. 254), and the emotional responses that happened because of them. The researchers defined hurtful events that included "explicit rejection, abandonment or ostracism, criticism betrayal, teaching and feeling unappreciated, used, or taken for granted" (Feeney, p. 254). What they found was that hurt was an emotion that was distinctly different from other emotions, and they happened because of relationship transgressions that "damage the victims core beliefs about self or others and that generally imply relational devaluation" (p. 269).As an example, when one partner has sex outside the marriage, it not only damages the relationship but it lowers the self-esteem of the other partner. LITERATURE Attachment Theory was originally created by John Bowlby (1907-1990) who basically stated that children would become secure or insecure depending on how they were able to attach to their primary caregivers when they were small (Fraley, 2004). As adults develop and formed relationships, they often had their feelings hurt because of something their partner did or did not do. Greenberg and Johnson (1988) began to see that this was the result of attachment injuries that couples had experienced over time. They acknowledged that although most couples wanted "a satisfying intimate relationship with ones partner" (p. vii), many of them did not find it. Treboux, Crowell, and Waters (2004) stated that the way in which couples attach to each other could define whether they felt secure and would stay together. Couples who wanted to enjoy sex with one another, must feel this security and love; in this process, they hope to become securely attached to each other (Makinen and Johnson, 2006). Teboux, Crowell, and Waters also found that many couples were afraid and anxious about getting close to their partners because of their own feelings of abandonment. With these feelings in the way, couples could not become intimate with one another for fear of being hurt. Greenberg and Johnson point out that a couple that experiences a lack of intimacy usually are responding to the "rules" that they unconsciously constructed for the relationship that appears now. Once couples are able to "experience the relationship differently" (p. 194) and respond in a different way to their partners (in this case, through therapy), sexual issues are resolved. In observing sexual relationships, Brassard, Shaver and Lussier (2007) studied the role that sexual experiences played in romantic relationships. Some of the literature they reported that when an individual had a secure attachment, they would have a strong foundation for sexual intimacy. Those who are securely attached believe that sex should occur when an individual has a negative attachment foundation, the individual would avoid sexual intercourse all together or only engage in "casual sex" (p. 477); this would mean that the couple will not see sex as important to a relationship. In their study, women were more prone to avoid sex than men and they reported more sexual problems than men. Madey and Rodgers (2009) studied the role of attachment patterns in intimate relationships. They found that people with positive attachment patterns were able to have positive intimacy and passion in their relationships. By having a positive attachment, the couples were able to have a deeper intimacy and passion for each other. Healing Attachment Injury with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) EFT has been the most widely used technique to help attachment injury. The reason EFT is effective is because "the overarching goal of EFT is the establishment of a secure attachment between the couple and to replace the conflicted or distant attachment…" (Berg, p. 372). It is a nine step process that couples move through during the course of therapy. The role of the therapist is to be a "collaborative partner" (Johnson, p. 104) whose job is to help piece together and process the total experience, and guide both people to address their own emotional Reponses. EFT with Multicultural Couples Greenman, Young and Johnson (2009) used EFT with intercultural couples and cited several differences in the way that multicultural couples reacted to it. They suggest that factors that can impact intimate relationships in these couples will include stress from rejection and oppression, negative social messages from their families and friends, exclusion from their communities or acculturation issues (p. 145). These factors automatically put these couples in distress which means that their sexual lives will suffer. According to these researchers, "sadness, loneliness and stress" (p. 147) are a natural part of being within an intercultural relationship. They also found that in work with ethnic minorities, "patterns of attachment in couples tend to be consistent across cultures" (p. 148). In other words, regardless of the ethnicity or intercultural aspects, the challenges with the patterns of attachment seem to be very similar if not the same. The counselor working with intercultural couples must take into consideration their cultural difference in using the stages of EFT. Clinicians should "understand and actively acknowledge the legacy of racism, sexism, and classism, both historically and current … " (p. 159) that these couples move through on a daily basis. All of these challenges will affect how ethnic minorities deal with intimacy. Gurman (2008) reported that EFT has also been successful with couples who experience some type of mental disorder including anxiety, post traumatic stress, eating disorders and depression. If one aspect of the couple is experiencing any of these challenges, the intimacy in the relationship will stop. Rostosky, Riggle, Gray, and Hatton (2004) studied minority stress between same sex couples. They defined minority stress as "the chronic social stress that results from belonging to a stigmatized social category and is over and above the general stressors of daily life" (p. 393). They found that the couples in their study had some of the same stressors as ethnic minorities, and found these to be in five categories: "discrimination and stigmatization, rejection, hiding or concealment of their sexual minority identities, and internalized homophobia" (p. 394). These issues are very similar for many heterosexual couples who are minorities or intercultural. Sexual intimacy becomes compromised when the couples are treated poorly and they cannot talk together about it in order to develop coping skills. DEFINITION OF TERMS 1. Attachment Theory – the theory that people attach to others based on how they formed attachments when they were children. 2. Attachment injury – “a perceived abandonment, betrayal or breach of trust in a critical moment of need for support expected of attachment figures” (Johnson, 2006, p. 295). 3. Adults and attachment theory – adults who are constantly hurt by their partners because of their feelings of abandonment and insecurity. 4. Couples and attachment injuries – couples who come together and are not able to provide loving relationships to each other. 5. Emotionally Focused Therapy -- a nine step approach to couples therapy geared towards helping couples heal attachment injuries and form a stronger bond. EVALUATION AND CRITIQUE The literature on attachment theory in multicultural couple relationships is limited. There are some studies done with adults with disabilities that include spinal cord injuries or Multiple Sclerosis (MS) but it does not describe whether there are differences in the way minorities attach to one another versus those who are non-minorities. Many people understand sex, but they may not understand that attachment is a part of sexual relations on the most intimate level. More research needs to be done in this area because different cultures can provide a broader scope into the attitudes and ideologies that may be in existence in cultural counseling to help all couples with attachment injuries. SUMMARY AND FUTURE DIRECTIONS Couples will continue to have difficulty with their relationships and the divorce rate will continue to go up because most people get into relationships have difficulty building a satisfying relationship. Other couples try, but they are often hurt because one part of the couple or another does not react in the way that is expected. It would be helpful if mental health practitioners were knowledgeable about attachment injuries so they could help their clients health this area. This area would assist clients in developing more intimate relationships and therefore having more intimacies for sexual relations. I would also see an opportunity for more work to be done with minorities because there may be different ways that they would relate to their relationships depending on their situation. As an example, problems with acculturation may bring psychological and physical challenges to the relationship. As an example, Berg (2009) studied first nation couples and found that trauma and attachment injury were prevalent. In this situation, the trauma had to be addressed as well as the attachment injury. One of the challenges to finding information about minority couples is that many of the studies are conducted by non-minority counselors and researchers and they have a tendency to do research with the clients they know best. A few are attempting to apply their research to minority clients but there is a need for more research in this area. It is clear that sexual intimacy must be built between couples who care about each other but in order to care, they must have a solid foundation of attachment in their lives. If they do not, as a couple, they can develop this foundation by going to a therapist that uses EFT techniques to help them gain the bond that is needed for them to stay together. Important to note is that both part of the couple must be willing to come together and work together on the relationship in order for it to grow. REFERENCES Berg, S. (2009). The use of narrative practices and emotionally focused couple therapy with first nation couples in Rastogi, M., and Thomas, V. (eds.). (2009). Multicultural couple therapy. 371-298. CA: Sage Publications. Brassard, A., Shaver, P., and Lussier, Y. (2007). Attachment, sexual experience, and sexual pressure in romantic relationships: A dyadic approach. Personal Relationships. 14 (3). 475-493. doi: 10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00166.x Feeney, J.A. (2005). Hurt feelings in couple relationships: Exploring the role of attachment and perceptions of personal injury. Personal Relations, 12 (2). 253- 271. psycARTICLES. AN: 2005-04542-008. Fraley, C. (2004). A brief overview of adult attachment theory and research. Retrieved February 1, 2010 from University of Illinois. Retrieved January 21, ,2010 from http://www.psych.uiuc.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm Gurman, A. S. (2008). Clinical handbook of couple therapy. Retrieved February 5, 2010 from http://www.googlebooks.com Humphreys, T. (2007). Perceptions of sexual consent: The impact of relationship history and gender. Journal of Sex Research, 44 (4). 307-315. Academic Search Premier. AN: 10143436. Madey, S.F. and Rodgers, L. (2009). The effect of attachment and Sternbergs triangular theory of love on relationship satisfaction. Individual Differences Research. 7 (2). 76-84. Academic Search Premier. AN: 43255691. Johnson, S.M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. 2nd ed. NY: Brunner-Routledge. Makinen, J.A., and Johnson, S.M. (2006). Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: Steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74 (6). 1055-1064. psycARTICLES. AN: 2006-22003-007. Patz, A. and Herr, L. (2003). Save your marriage now. Health. 17 (6). P. 101. Academic Search Premier. AN: 10143436. Rostosky, S.S., Riggle, E.D.B., Gray, B.E., Hatton, R.L. (2004). Minority stress experiences in committed same-sex couple relationships. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice. 38 (4). 392-400. psycARTICLES. Doi: 10.1037/0735-7028.38.4.392 Treboux, D., Crowell, J.A., and Waters, E. (2004). When "new" meets "old": Configurations of adult attachment representations and their implications for marital functioning. Developmental Psychology. 40 (2). 295-314. psyARTICLES, doi: 10.1037/0012-1649.40.2.295. 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