Keys to a Successful Relationship - Essay Example

Discuss the normal marital satisfaction pathway over time, and describe a reason for how marital satisfaction changes over the of a relationship. Be sure to discuss what happens when couples become parents. Offer one personal example to illustrate (or NOT illustrate) these trends derived from a couple you know. (Please dont use names.) Although many people like to assume that a relationship is something that can be determined to be somewhat static, the fact of the matter is that relationships, just as individuals, grow and evolve over time. Within such an understanding, even though it is possible for love, affection, and sexual attraction to continue to exist over the years within a relationship, interests, life goals, focus, and other factors are likely to shift and change as the couple matures. For instance, a couple that falls in love, Mary’s, and begins to raise children will soon see a unique and dynamic shift with regards to the way in which their relationship develops. One particular indicator of this can be seen with regards to the following example. A couple that I have known since early childhood was most certainly in love; affectionate, charming, and what most would describe as “meant to be”. However, this love, as many people would describe it, soon began to evolve and shift as the pressures of married life, paying bills, and soon having children, weighed upon them. The couple that had for so long been indicated as one that was unlikely to change and an indicator of one couple that might live “happily ever after” ultimately became separated. As the years continued, I watched this couple become further and further estranged; up until that point in time in which the male moved out of the house and rented his own living accommodations. The marriage of course continued to deteriorate after this as the children began to grow up and mature. Without the need of incessant parental care and devotion, a couple further separated and ultimately divorced within the past several years. Sadly, this is an indication of an all too common occurrence; one in which individuals assume that a relationship will continue along a static path when ultimately it takes a much different course and disintegrates rather than continuing to be evidenced in the same manner. • Take the two, free online relationship quizzes and report your findings (links to both quizzes are on the right-hand side of the page http://www.gottman.com). Report on your present relationship or, if you are not currently in a relationship, your most recent serious relationship. How important do you think these things are to a successful marriage?  From the results of the quizzes that were taken, it was clear and evident that there were certain key strengths as well as certain core weaknesses that were illustrated within the last relationship that I had. According to the results of the first quiz, I scored 14 out of 22 points. Within the metrics of this particular quiz, a higher score represented a stronger relationship and lower scores. Furthermore, the results indicated the following quote “This is a pivotal time in your relationship. There are many strengths you can build upon but there are also some weaknesses that need your attention. One way to start this is by building a Love Map of your partner”. Whereas it was clear and obvious that both my previous partner and I understood one another, the emotional connection that we shared was quite distinct and developed as compared to the physical connection that we shared. Ultimately, our physical relationship was all but nonexistent with my partner showing little if any interest in developing this to the level that I required. Furthermore, even though I was firmly aware of my partner’s greatest strengths, closest friends, the individuals that stressed them the most, and other key facets of personal understanding, I was altogether clueless with regards to life goals, aspirations, and other aspects of personality that should be expected that any partner should know. Not surprisingly, the second quiz was based specifically on emotional connection to the partner; as such, a lower score indicated closer emotional connection as compared to a higher score. Accordingly, on the second quiz I scored a 15 out of 45 points. As such, the website indicated the following “you have a good emotional connection between you and your partner”. Yes, even within this satisfactory metric, it was recommended that a further level of emphasis should be placed upon the emotional connection and bonding that both of us engaged. Accordingly, the most noble aspect of second quiz is with respect to the fact that I answered yes to the fact that I found that my partner oftentimes annoyed and/or irritated me; ultimately leading to a situation in which I would not readily engage in conversation due to a level of basic frustration that existed within the relationship. As any observer can see, without the ability to open the engage in conversation and discuss key facts, shared dreams, aspirations, and express emotions, the ultimate level to which the relationship could continue to grow was doomed. • What are Gottman’s 7 tips for successful relationships? Would you suggest any more tips to add to this list? (http://www.gottman.com/49804/Self-Help-and-Tips.html)  Gottman’s 7 steps are as follows: 1. Know each other. Learn all about each other’s likes, dislikes, wishes, hopes, dreams, etc. 2. Focus on each other’s positive qualities, positive feelings for each other, and the good times you have shared with each other. 3. Interact frequently, tell each other about your day, your thoughts, your experiences. Romance is fueled not by candlelight dinners, but by interacting with your partner in numerous little ways. But the book title refers to seven principles, not three, what about the other four? Oddly, Gottman’s last four principles are the traditional communication, negotiation, and conflict resolution principles with cute new names: 4. “Let your partner influence you.” Translation: share power. 5. “Solve your solvable problems.” Translation: Communicate respectfully, use “I” statements, criticize behavior without criticizing your partner, take a break when you’re getting too upset, and compromise. Gottman asserts that in both happy and unhappy marriages, more than 80% of the time the wife brings up marital conflicts while the husband tries to avoid discussing them. [This finding supports the hypothesis that 80% of all men are pigs.] 6. “Overcome gridlock.” Translation: understand your partner’s underlying feelings which are preventing resolution of the conflict. 7. “Create shared meaning.” Translation: share values, attitudes, interests, traditions. Although this list is fairly exhaustive, it is the opinion of this particular student that a beneficial inclusion would be for the couple to sit down from time to time and map out/discuss the direction in which they see their respective futures going. Naturally, the intent of such a discussion is to ensure that both individuals are on the same page with regards to the way in which current and future choices will promote their own lives and relationships in new directions in the future. The reason for putting forward such a recommendation has to do with the fact that far too many couples simply ignore this staff and come to sewage, oftentimes impassible, arguments due to the fact that they had assumed different things with regards to what the future might hold. This can of course applied to employment opportunities, the geographic location that they might want to live, and/or aspirations with regards to family or the direction in which their own personal relationship might involve in the future. Read More