The Effects of a Cheating Spouse - Essay Example

Introduction In story books, we often read happy endings wherein a fine-looking young woman marries with an equally attractive young gentleman. Beginning from the twentieth century, marriage confronted a radical change from a fairy tale love affair to a marital relationship that is unstable and which could end anytime due to a painful reason, infidelity by one of the other half. Unfaithfulness is one of the major reasons and one of the most detrimental grounds for divorce. Nowadays, infidelity is one of the most widespread difficulties married couples deal with. Researches, both qualitative and quantitative, have been made to measure the extent of infidelity among married couples. Numerical results varied widely. However, it is extensively accounted that 60% of men and 40% of women (Meyer 2008: para 1) have the probability to engage in an extramarital affair whenever there is an opportunity. Proponents of marriage and family studies attempted to determine the causes explaining the underlying motivations of infidelity among some married spouses. Yet, evenly important to study are the effects of such conscious acts to the members of the family. The effects of a cheating spouse are mostly inclined on the psychological and social well-being of the individuals involved. Normality or stability of one’s own sanity is not a guarantee that one can avoid the damaging consequences of discovering that a spouse is committing adultery. The perpetrator, the injured party, and third parties such as children if the marital union has been able to produce, are all significantly affected of the chronic predicaments brought about by betrayal in the family. Good judgment, tranquil emotions, and good-natured social relationships, can be powerfully reversed by adultery. In order to describe accurately the effects of a cheating spouse on the individuals involved, this paper will explore on three psychological perspectives, namely, the general adaptation syndrome, posttraumatic stress disorder, and learned helplessness. General Adaptation Syndrome Hans Selye, a revolutionary stress theorist, devised a framework explaining the step-by-step process of stress management. His general adaptation syndrome (GAS) has three phases. The first one is the alarm and mobilization stage which arise when individuals become aware of the existence of a particular stressor. This event will incite reaction to the biological sphere that would in turn make the recipient of the stressor quite resilient in order to cope up (Feldman 2005: p.427). If for instance, a spouse is having a hint or feeling that his/her partner is erring on their relationship, it will certainly trigger distress to the doubting party. If the presumed stressor, which is the infidelity of the other half, is finally discovered the sympathetic nervous system will then kick in and activate the human system to cope up with the new stressor. The wronged partner could choose different ways to manage that stress through merrymaking, burying his/her time in working, spend quality time with the children, joining social groups or counseling organizations, etc. If the unfaithful partner on the other hand had found out that his/her spouse discovered his/her immoral act, it could also create anxiety to the blundering partner which could probably be brought about by conscience or guilt. This adulterous spouse then will also engage into coping up mechanisms such as lessening occasions of going out without adieu, devoting substantial amount of time with the family, kiss and makeup with the other half, etc. If the coping up strategies failed and the stressor persisted, the second level of the model will come in, the resistance stage. If the techniques done by both spouses failed to yield positive results for them and to the other people involved, debilitating solutions could be thought of and exercised such as excessive drinking of alcohol, use of drugs, show of aggressive behaviors, and worst attempting suicide. These destructive defensive mechanisms are most likely to produce degrees of physical or psychological problems (p. 427). The last stage will then batter in whenever the two initial stages fail, the exhaustion phase. A spouse’s ability to effectively adjust with the realities of infidelity will continuously decline if the coping up mechanisms consistently fail to work. This final stage of the model is characterized by negative consequences of failed mobilization and resistance stages such as physical illness, psychological deterioration which could be manifested by the difficulty to concentrate, intensified irritability, or in a worst scenario, loss of contact with reality or insanity. There were researches done illustrating that this exhaustion stage has a positive effect for the injured party of committed infidelity. Some avoid further stress by passing through this stage by overworking which gives them the leeway to avoid the erring spouse and then prevent more bitter confrontations; this then will reduce anxiety and stress to the hurting side (p. 427). However, Selye’s model has been challenged by other psychologists. They argue that Selye is wrong in assuming that the biological reaction of the human system will always produce a method that will help the recipient of the stressor to cope up. There are victims of infidelity of their spouses who are initially unable to manage stress which leads to nervous breakdown or immediate psychological disorders while there are successful ones who are able to drive away the stressor. These psychologists further argue that the biological coping up mechanism always depends on the appraisal of the concerned party of the situation (Lazarus 2000 as cited in Feldman 2005: p. 428). Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Sufferers of major tragedies and harsh personal incidences will most likely experience posttraumatic stress disorder or PTSD which has a long-lasting effect. This disorder is commonly manifested by re-experiencing or surreal flashbacks of the event that triggered the trauma. Once a spouse discovered his/her other half committing adultery, the reaction would be most likely immediate. It will include emotional freezing, insomnia, social problems such as disrupted building of rapport to others, alcohol and drug abuse, and in worst cases, killing of oneself or suicide (Henderson 1994: p. 330). These symptoms only state one thing, the emotionally and psychologically wounded spouse is undergoing posttraumatic stress. This kind of stress is heightened whenever the wronged spouse feel rejected which could be encouraged by the thought of his/her spouse replacing him/her with another. This thinking will definitely damage the suffering spouse’s confidence or self-esteem (Meyer 2008: para 6). There are some researches on family studies that portray both advantages and disadvantages of posttraumatic stress for divorce couples due to infidelity. Posttraumatic stress can motivate the spouses to move on with their life and revisit other priorities such as other relatives or social peers that they have abandoned or ignored due to the demands of a married life. These spouses more often that not build a broader circle of influence or social connections that could help them get through. And most importantly, they are capable in seeing their own self-identity independent from their better half (Schaefer 1995: p. 352). The disadvantages of posttraumatic stress to spouses who experienced divorce due to unfaithfulness are apparently larger in comparison to the advantages of it. Learned Helplessness Psychologists Martin Seligman explained that learned helplessness occurs whenever people made up their mind that an unlikable and aversive stressor cannot be controlled or prevented by them. Because of this belief, people with negative personal experiences such as divorce because of adultery by one of the spouses, become lazy or inattentive in making feasible solutions that would somehow transform the downbeat stressor to something that would be beneficial for them. In learned helplessness, the victims feel that their efforts are not commensurate with the outcomes that occur (Feldman 2005: p. 432). Researches confirm that learned helplessness has negative consequences, namely, physical deterioration and depression (Joiner and Wagner 1995 as cited in Feldman 2005: p. 433). This phenomenon often happens, according to some remote researches, whenever the offended spouse wasn’t able to realize that the act of cheating on them by their partner is not absolutely a sign of unworthiness or insignificance. Adulterous spouses sometimes have their own personal problems that they resolve through unconstructive decisions and actions, not thinking of the possible negative consequences (Henderson 1994: p. 343). Conclusion Marriage has been described by social scientists as a union that maintains the survival of the society since it is the conduit of legitimate reproduction. Yet, marriage transformed drastically along with the changes in society. Divorce became increasingly popular nowadays mainly because of problems such as differences in culture and personality, uncompromising pride, and unfaithfulness. Yet, this often taken for granted element of marriage and family studies deserves a better look at because of its hidden intricate facets. Adultery is not at all negative in its outcome for the people involve in it, particularly the couple. As I have seen in the three psychological perspectives used in explaining the effects of an adulterous spouse, I have realized that there is more to the picture. Adultery in marriage is like an unpleasant icing on a cake which at first glance connotes corruption, dishonesty, and immorality. Extramarital affairs are unlawful according to the Holy canon, the Bible. Yet, when looked at a psychological perspective, effects of infidelity to the couple could also result to positive changes on them such as increased affinity to socialize and awareness of their genuine self-identity which can only be realized independently or without the influences from another. Works Cited Feldman, R. S. (2005). Understanding Psychology. Boston: McGraw Hill. Henderson, J. L. (1994). Introduction to Psychology. Wisconsin: Brown and Benchmark Publisher. Joiner, T. and Wagner, K.D. (1995). Attribution Style and Depression in Children and Adoloscents: A Meta-Analytic Review. Clinical Psychology Review , 777-798. Lazarus, R. (2000). Toward Better Research on Stress and Coping. American Psychologist , 665-673. Meyer, Cathy (2008). Infidelity often leads to Divorce. The New York Times Company. http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/cheatinganddivorce/p/infidelitydivor.htm Schaefer, R. T. (1995). Sociology. New York: McGraw-Hill. Read More