Remarriage after Spousal Loss - Factors in Successful Second Marriage - Essay Example

Remarriage after Spousal Loss - Factors in Successful Second Marriage Introduction Marriage is a union of two persons by an act that is both a legal contract and social agreement. This union creates kinship between the two people and offers the basis of interpersonal relations, both intimate and sexual. Conventionally, marriage was considered to be between two sexes but with time, in different countries and regions, same sex marriages have gained popularity and consideration by law. Coursolle and Sweeney elucidate that, “The union of marriage is formalized by a ceremony; a social gathering presided over by a religious minister, state representative or cultural elder” (2009, p.1). Discussion Under the common law, cultures and religions around the world, the union of marriage confers legal rights and obligations to and from both parties of the marriage. The major reasons people have for marrying include, legal, emotional, sexual needs also referred to as libidinal, religious beliefs, and financial reasons. Social reasons and spiritual influences may also contribute to the union. The nature and cause of death of a spouse is an important factor in the ability of the widowed spouse to move on emotionally and engage in dating. Patterson states that, “An abrupt and an unexpected death of a spouse can be traumatic and emotionally unsettling for the widow or widower” (2000, p.210). Shock related to such deaths has a greater impact on the individual and often take a longer duration of time to get over. The widow is unprepared and the abrupt changes also take time to get used to. Brown et al. asserts that, “The duration of grieving is extended as compared to deaths that occurred after a longer duration of preparation” (2006, p. 79). For example, death from a terminal illness may be easier to come to terms with and grieve because the widowed spouse had time to prepare emotionally. The role the cause of death plays in a widowed spouse’s ability to cope with loss is in the guilt, empathy and grief that results from how the spouse died. A prolonged painful death is more painful to the widowed spouse than a fast painless one. Memories and thoughts of the cause of death may invoke emotions of grief and despair long after the death. The death of a spouse can result in varied effects on the widowed spouse. The death can affect the spouse’s emotions, behavior, financial/economic stability, social relations, religious vulnerability, security, self esteem, conjugal deprivation and loneliness. Brown and Bulanda (2006) postulate that, “One of the most common and prevalent effect of death in a marriage is on the financial or economic stability of the family” (p. 74). Where both spouses are active in economic generating activities, the family experiences a reduction in the amount of income generated as a result of death of a spouse. In the case of the death of a spouse directly not engaged in income generation, for example a house wife, the family has to solicit or perform the duties of the deceased. This can lead to consumption of time or hiring a house help. This too affects the economics of the homestead negatively. Another effect of death within a marriage, and perhaps the most troubling to the widowed spouse is the emotional turmoil the individual undergoes. Moorman, Booth and Fingerman indicate that, “Feelings of grief, loss, guilt, sympathy, despair and sadness are often related with the loss of a loved one and in the union of marriage where spouses may be the best of friends and closest confidants to each other these emotions are very common and strong” (2006, p. 16). One’s religion may require them to be married past a certain age when considered an adult. In view of the religious elders, a widow or widower is incomplete by him or herself and therefore must remarry. The factors that contribute to successful remarriage of a widowed spouse are numerous and may vary in importance and influence with individuals. Emotional adaptability to the bereaved state, religious beliefs, gender, personal preference, finances, age and yearning companionship/romance are among the most common factors. Brown et al. state that, “The ability of a spouse to overcome loss of a loved one emotionally and psychologically contributes to the individual’s ability to cope with loss and move on” (2006, p.71). Researchers have determined that remarriage after loss is higher in percentage amongst men than women. Women take a longer time to grieve and their emotional attachment to their spouses is greater. Around the world, it is not unlikely for women to remain unmarried long after the death of their husbands. A key reason given for this trend is the endurance and preservation of their husband’s memory and the sanctity of their first marriage. A study conducted by marriage experts in the United States determined that 12.3 percent of men and 4.8 percent of women marry after widowhood. Patterson et al. (2000) illustrates that, “Religious beliefs and inherent pressure from family and friends also affect a person’s affinity to remarry after the loss of a spouse” (p.199). Where the marriage was childless or had few children, the family feels that the bereaved spouse has an obligation to procreate and further the family’s gene pool towards the next generation. This becomes a requirement imposed on the remaining spouse. Additionally, where religious beliefs are concerned, the individual may be persuaded to remarry by his or her religious leaders as a means of alleviating from carnal desires and probable sins of lust and promiscuity. Widows and widowers are advised to remarry to propagate harmonious living within their homesteads and lives as was meant by natural laws. Gender of the widowed spouse plays a major role in the ability to engage in relations that may lead to marriage. The gender ratios of population are favorable to men than women as age progresses. Women outnumber men with increasing difference as age increases. Men are therefore fewer in number and have a reasonably easier task finding and relating with women on account of ratios. The economic implications of widowhood predispose spouses to their likelihood of remarriage. Coursolle and Sweeney (2009) cite, “Inadequate income for sustenance of the spouse and children often prompts an urgent desire to remarry as a form of survival and sustenance” (p.7). This is especially so where the late spouse was sole or main breadwinner of the family. The improved financial stability implied by a remarriage might often be the determining factor in such a situation. The remarriage has a better than average chance of success as the widowed spouse’s dedication to make the marriage work for her sake and that of his or her children. Monetary benefits accruing from marriage such as tax exemptions, medical insurance and cost sharing also contribute to the rate of remarriage. Personal preference determines a widowed spouse’s decision to remarry. With experience from the first marriage, the widowed spouse can prefer to remain unmarried probably because he or she disliked the previous marriage. Moorman, Booth and Fingerman state that, “Regression in logistics have indicated that older women are more likely to be interested in remarriage than their younger counterparts” (2006, p. 19). In an instance where death in a marriage offered relief to the widowed spouse, the spouse may be unlikely to formalize any intimate relations thereafter with marriage. Women tend to enjoy the freedom from the burden of caring for another individual and the independence gained from the death of a husband. Conversely, men tend to remarry due to the care given to them by their late wives as they attempt to return to the status quo of their lives. A reasonable percentage of widowed spouses prefer to remain single for the remainder of their lives so as to have the privacy of cherishing their late spouses’ memories. Psychoanalysts state that to positively come to terms with loss and productively and positively engage in relations or marriage, the widowed spouse must fully acknowledge and grieve the death of their spouse. Carr (2005) asserts that, “All emotions must be completely exhausted and accepted. Pretence of ones feelings and denial only lengthens the duration of grief and hurt (p.3).” Friends directly not interested in the spouse’s marital state can offer comfort and provide the needed consolation and avenue of sharing or confiding in. Furthermore, friends offer a source of emotional strength to the bereaved spouse and strong positive advice as the spouse is highly emotionally dependent and fragile. Constructive activities provide suitable outlets and preoccupy the widowed spouse. The widowed spouse should enjoy their lives and continue living. Carr (2005) states that, “Denying oneself the pleasures of life and day to day instances of happiness often leads to stagnation” (p. 3). The individual is less likely to move on and his or her emotional state might not improve with time as little to no effort is made to enjoy him or herself. Simple pleasures and delights are prerequisites for preparation for remarriage as few single people would find a despaired and emotionally torn down person suitable for marriage. The spouse may not even enjoy a subsequent union and states of grief could resurface and consume the union. The spouse should review their intentions and reasons for dating and seeking remarriage. Coursolle and Sweeney state, “A large number of first marriages fail and end in divorce and annulment due to uncertainty of primary reasons for wedlock and conflict of interest” (2009, p.5). Remarriage after spousal death poses greater obstacles and queries of the capacity of remarriage. The widowed spouse should examine their reasons for remarriage so that they may engage in wedlock whole heartedly and fully aware of its implications emotionally and otherwise. If the spouse seeks to replace or find a replica of the late spouse, there is a higher than likely chances of disappointment as blatant comparison between the lost spouse and the new one may cause division in the union. The widowed spouse should take time and caution to ensure his or her stability. Conclusion Factors influencing successful remarriage after death are different and vary with individuals. A single factor or a combination of several factors can determine the decision to date and marry. Additional influences can determine the success of the marriage. The main and most predominant factor in any human relation is emotion for the person. The individual’s state of emotions are the largest determinant of the level of interaction, depth of feeling, nature of relationship and subsequent success whether the relationship is between friends, family members, acquaintances or spouses. References Brown, L., Lee, L., & Bulanda, R. (2006). Cohabitation among Older Adults: A National Portrait. Journal of Gerontology: Social Sciences, 61, 71-79. Carr, D. (2005). The Desire to Date and Remarry among Older Widows and Widowers. Rutgers University. Coursolle, M. & Sweeney, M. (2009). Finding Love after Loss: Remarriage in Later Life. Department of Sociology and the California Center for Population Research University of California, Los Angeles. Moorman, M., Booth, A., & Fingerman, L. (2006). Women’s Romantic Relationships after Widowhood. Journal of Family Issues, 27, 1281-1304. Patterson, J., Hayworth, M., Turner, C. & Raskin, M. (2000). Spiritual Issues in Family Therapy: A Graduate Level Course. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 26 (2), 199-210 Read More