Qualities of a Successful Marriage - Research Paper Example

Marital patterns differ across cultures and belief systems and have changed over time. In the ancient days in most societies people had a stable sexual relationship with emotional attachment and cooperation between the partners specially in the matter of raising the offspring (Smith, 2004). This relationship or union was recognized in most societies and was institutionalized in marriage. In these days marriage as an institution for bearing and rearing children appears to be declining and non-marital fertility is on the rise. Divorce rates in the developed countries have gone up while the previously strong links between marriage and sex and marriage and parenthood have severely weakened. The qualities of a successful marriage have thus become essential to understand in the context of the present-day situation. Webster’s Dictionary defines marriage as ‘The institution whereby men and women are joined in a special kind of social and legal dependence for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family’ (Bell, 2001). However the institution of marriage has been in a state of transition since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution in the 19th century (Head, 2009). Marriage is an economic arrangement, more binding and more exacting than an insurance agreement. Marriage earlier was not a story of love but of economic survival. There have been several instances when marriage was based on love but it has served a more pragmatic purpose than that – it allowed a man to work without having to concern himself about household chores or matters relating to children. As women achieved more social power the concept of marriage has changed. A successful marriage would signal to the friends and the society that it is a committed relationship and they should be concerned about the wellbeing of the couple and not of any individual. While marriage has become more joyful, loving and satisfying than ever before, it has also become more optional and brittle (Coontz, 2005). In the past it has served economic, social and political functions but today the partners want to satisfy their needs and wishes. Today it is recognized as a personal and private relationship to fulfill their emotional and sexual desires. This resulted in free choice for mate selection and a successful marriage was one that met the needs of the partners. Overall the marriage as an institution has undergone a drastic change. Marriage is not just an agreement or bonding of two individuals but it is an institution which serves to establish a connection between two families to produce suitable heir to the family power (Head, 2009). Marriage has always been among equals in terms of power, family values and talents. Love was not the primary concern in marriage and there are instances like Louis XIV of France who was forced to give up the women he loved. Instead he had to marry someone specified in the Treaty of Pyreness, which ended the thirty years’ war between the two countries. However, today people give up their families to marry the person they love without understanding what marriage is all about. The desire for romantic love is deeply rooted in the psychological makeup of human beings (Chapman) but keeping this love alive in marriage is not an easy task. Chapman explains that language differences are part and parcel of human culture. Just as to communicate effectively across cultural lines, one has to learn the language of the other person, in marriage too the emotional love language and the language of the spouse may be as different as Chinese is from English. Hence even if the husband tries to convey his love in plain and simple English, the wife may not understand the language of love in words. She may want to find the love in his behavior and hence one of the important qualities of a successful marriage is to understand the language of each other which will enhance communication efforts. There are five ways that people understand and speak emotional love although there may be numerous dialects. The way love can be expressed within the love language is limited only by one’s imagination. For a successful marriage it is important to identify and learn to speak the spouse’s love language. Emotion plays a very important role in marriage but love is not the only ingredient for a successful marriage. Respect for each other is equally essential. Both have to view each other as worthy and equal partners. The key is not the role that partners take on but the respect they have for each other’s decision making. For instance the percentage of both partners working outside the home has increased dramatically in recent years (Gordon & Whelan-Berry, 2004). How the two partners manage and organize the household work and responsibilities depends on how much respect they have for each other as individuals. Traditionally men work outside the home and even though women have started working outside the home, they are still expected to shoulder the responsibility of the home in addition to their duties outside the home. So long as women willingly shouldered both the responsibilities they were considered ‘superwomen’ but when they started asking for support and assistance from their spouses, conflicts arose. Research suggests that women are more satisfied when their spouses share the chores they previously handled alone. Many working women experience guilt about their family arrangement. This guilt is a natural response when their choices are challenged and their motivation is under attack. Men have been contributing towards household and childcare responsibilities but their contribution is not as much as their wives’ (Haddock, Ziemba, Zimmerman & Current, 2001). Such support for each other can help the partners overcome any negative experiences they have had and also help to develop respect for each other as individuals. Social support affects marital quality indirectly through the couple’s satisfaction with their lifestyle. The partner’s attitude towards their own work influences how women perceive themselves. Support can result in life satisfaction, job satisfaction and work-life balance. Hence respect for each other helps enhance self-esteem thereby improving the quality of the married life. A marriage build on the basis of mutual respect has become all the more important because now men and women no longer face the economic compulsion to get or stay married as it was in the past (Coontz, 2005). It is no longer possible to force the partner to stay in a unsatisfying relationship. When a relationship is deeply embedded in respect for each other, no amount of economic independence that women have attained in the recent years can affect the marriage quality (Ooms, 2001). It is generally believed that this economic independence has diminished the economic need for women to stay married. Respect alone in not sufficient and this has to be supported by admiration for each other. In a marriage two people get attracted to each other when they find the talents and strengths in the other person that compensates for their own weakness (Dray, 2006). Admiring the qualities in the partner is vital Many individuals enter marriage believing that it will fulfill their social, financial, sexual, and emotional needs and thereby lead to happiness (Bonds-Raacke, Bearden, Carriere & Anderson, 2001). They nurture this mythical image of marital bliss and for the youth “sexual activity is the best predictor of relationship satisfaction”. These idealistic views are no more applicable and Dray however feels that sex is not everything in marriage. Both partners must share the same willingness to experiment or must have the same taste in intimate activities otherwise it could lead to dissatisfaction. Bonda-Raacke et al., contend that dating plays an important role in developing these idealistic ideas. When engaged couples partake of leisure activities together they assume that the future too will be as carefree. People generally want to marry one they fall in love with and Americans are convinced that love should be a precondition for marriage. By this love they imply passionate or romantic love. This passionate or romantic love is one of intense arousal or absorption in one another although romantic love is believed to be temporary and reduces over time. In fact marital happiness has been known to diminish after the first 15 years of marriage after which it levels off. Since romantic love is temporary, it is up to the two people to develop quality love to keep the interest and vigor alive in their marriage. This means the couple must be willing to look forward together and discover a new way to love and express love. It is up to them to broaden their definition of love and support each other’s pursuit in different fields in life. The revolution in cultural and sexual values and gender roles has played a strong role in changing the marriage quality. In fact the views of women have changed much more than men’s especially in the lower-income group (Ooms, 2001). Marital instability has arisen due to changes in the nature of relationship between the couple. Today relational qualities and patterns of interaction have great importance than it used to be earlier. Couples today have higher expectations from marriage and their partners. They expect that all their needs will be met by the partner and are ready to dissolve the marriage if the needs are not fulfilled. This status has come because the traditional economic, legal, social and cultural constraints that used to keep marriages together have fallen away. The youth today does not have the perseverance capacity, the forbearance capacity; they lack the ability to negotiate and resolve conflicts or stay committed to work together in the relationship. Having compatible goals is equally important, for instance whether to have child or not or how many children? In fact Americans are becoming uncertain whether marriage and childbearing should be linked together at all (Ooms, 2001). If one partner wants to have six children and the other does not want to shoulder the responsibility of looking after the children, then there is bound to be conflict and chaos in marriage (Dray, 2006). If both pursue their won goals without any interest in the goals of the other partner, each demonstrates individualism and selfishness. On the other hand, if both take a keen interest on the goals of the other and play a supportive role, both emerge winners together thereby improving the quality of their marriage. As far as child bearing is concerned, due to the different forms of contraception available in the market along with the availability of causal sex, men need not marry for the sake of having sexual relationship. Women too have less need for securing resources to bring up the child as state support is available for single mothers. Hence marriage is no more a mode of governance that confers extensive control rights on the husband. It thus implies that sex and children are no more valid reason for entering into marriage. This is true for both men and the women. Smith contends that matrimony retains several rights and obligations but its importance as a basis for sex and child bearing has diminished due to the legal and social support controls. In other words, the two important factors that kept the partners together are no more important. The partners are therefore free to walk out on the partner at any time. These changes in the society have resulted in greater sexual equality and have induced a shift towards ‘pure relationship’ where emotional benefits are of central importance. Marriage is now more of a lifestyle choice rather based on companionship and psychological security rather than sexual access. Today marriage takes place at a much later age than before and people come together with a lot experience, definitely formed ideas, skills and interests (Coontz, 2005). This does not mean that they should not or cannot merge their ideas and beliefs. When two people decide to get married they must at least share the same values. No individuals are the same so it is not expected that they would feel and react the same way on certain issues but if they share the same values then half the battle is won. If one feels strongly about honesty and the other speaks the truth only when convenient, this relationship is certainly not going to work (Dray, 2006). Even two individuals that pursue different political goals and ideologies run into conflict after some time. There must be some sort of understanding where they learn to respect each others views and beliefs and accept them as they are instead of finding faults at every stage. Hence, it is essential that even if they do not share the same values they must be able to accept each other and learn to live with the differences. Acceptance today in a marriage means a two-way relationship. There has to be real friendship and respect. Compulsion and force or coercion cannot hold two people together especially when children and sex are no more the binding or necessary factors in a marriage. External constraints are no more essential but emotional adjustments have to be made to keep a healthy marriage going. Today women demand equality in all respects, for instance in the amount of leisure time. The dynamics of marriage has to change and Coontz (2005) contends it is essential that the man responds to his wife’s request for a change. If the man responds positively the marital quality improves and there are greater chances that the marriage will be a happy one. A woman should not live under fear or suppression and not request for a change. If this is the situation it will blast one day causing irreparable damages. A marriage requires that the partners have patience and forbearance, along with the choice to stay and work things out for a mutually happy association. This should be a mutual process and not a unilateral resignation to accept the inevitable. It can thus be seen that the economic structure and the cultural values have undergone drastic changes. It is no more possible for the men to abuse the women to use them for sex or to take care of the home and the children. Because of legal regulations and changes in the societal norms, marriage is now more about having an emotional bonding where two people learn to love and respect each other. It is no more the family that decides about the marriage but the two individuals concerned and they do so after prolonged contact with each other. New values have developed for a successful marriage and these include being able to recognize the language of love that the partner understands, being able to respect and accept each other, being able to live with the differences, being able to pursue common goals and most importantly – being able to respect the other as an individual. The two partners in a marriage should be friends as they were before they decided to enter marriage. They should be able to mutually work out how they would share the household and childcare responsibilities as there cannot be any norms for these responsibilities. The two partners should be willing to adjust the personal expectations and not live under mythical images of a happy marriage. Reference: Bell, L. (2001). Marriage: a definition. Retrieved April 19, 2009, from http://www.andtheylivedhappilyeverafter.com/1.htm Bonds-Raacke, J. M., Bearden, E. S., Carriere, N. J., & Anderson, E. M. (2001). Engaging distortions: Are we idealizing marriage? The Journal of Psychology, 135 (2), 179 Chapman, G. (n.d.). The Five Love Languages. Chapter I. Retrieved April 19, 2009, from http://202.206.208.50/waiban/html/conversation%20by%20Venus.pdf Coontz, S. (2005). Marriage, a History. New York: Viking. Dray, S. H. (2006). Beyond Love: Five Things You Need for a Successful Marriage. Retrieved April 19, 2009, from http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/57366/beyond_love_five_things_you_need_for_pg2.html?cat=41 Gordon, J. R., & Whelan-Berry, K. S. (2004). It takes two to tango: an empirical study of perceived spousal/ partner support for working women. Women in Management Review, 19 (5), 260-273 Haddock, S. A., Ziemba, S. J., Zimmerman, T. S., & Current, L. R. (2001). Ten adaptive strategies for family and work balance: advice from successful families. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 27 (4), 445-458. Head, T. (2009). What is Marriage? Retrieved April 19, 2009, from http://civilliberty.about.com/od/gendersexuality/f/whatis_marriage.htm Ooms, T. (2001). Strengthening Couples and Marriage in Low-Income Communities. Retrieved April 19, 2009, from http://m15080.kaivo.com/LegalDev/CLASP/DMS/Documents/1014326998.61/Strengthening%20Couples%20and%20Marriage%20in%20Low-Income.pdf Smith, I. (2004). The foundations of marriage: are they crumbling? International Journal of Social Economics, 31 (5/6), 487-500 Read More