Qualities of Successful Marriages - Assignment Example

QUALITIES OF SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES First FCS 340 Time: February 28, QUALITIES OF SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES COMMUNICATIONS Communications in a good marriage is not what one might think. One of the things that most people think about communications in a marriage is that it is all verbal. Verbal communications is important, but it is the nonverbal communications that means the most. What two people say to one another may or may not be important. It is more important how they look or do not look at each other, how they act, and what behaviors they have towards one another. I have spent the eight years of my marriage making sure that what I do shows respect and care for my husband. We may not say long sentences to one another and may only say short responses to questions when we talk, but that does not mean that what we are doing does not show love. Someone can say all kinds of beautiful thing to another person but in the end what matters most is what they do and how they behave. My parents had special ways in which to communicate. Some of my mother’s words were very harsh to my father and she sometimes criticized him. If other people heard her they thought it was meant to be cruel. When I got older I realized and knew that he knew that she said critical things to him because she was showing him that she cared. If she had not cared, she would not have said anything. He was always amused by what she said and never angry with her because he knew that when she said things that were critical, she was saying over and over that she loved him. Many people show disrespect by speaking about their partners. Communication is not only about what is said or done between two people. Communication happens to a partner when it is spoken to another person outside of the marriage as well. When a person speaks poorly about their partner to their friends, treats their spouse poorly in front of others, or dismisses them as if they are not intelligent or important, they disrespect their spouse and communicate to them that they are not valued. Too often people will complain about their spouse to others, but this is part of how people communicate their love or lack of love. Speaking or acting badly about their spouse in public places them to the side and they do not feel near as important. Communications is very important because without giving each other signs and symbols of a partnership, then the marriage becomes two people who are isolated. This is a very important point for my marriage. My husband and I came from Iran so without good communications between us, life in this country would have been difficult. I have made sure that we have always been together in our decision making and that when there is a problem we are on the same page. In the end, our marriage has been successful because we are together in the project of life and the way that we show each other respect supports our teamwork in this world. EMPATHY AND SENSITIVITY A key component to a successful marriage is the ability to empathize and be sensitive to a partner’s needs. In order to understand what is going on in a relationship, this is an essential part of the interactions between two people. Empathy is the ability to feel the emotions that someone else feels and translate them for their experiences. Knowing how someone else feels means being able to set aside one’s self and only consider what the other person is going through in the moment. Without empathy, an individual can never fully appreciate the other person. If one doesn’t understand how the world affects their partner, they will never truly find love for them that is beyond their selfish needs of their own. Love comes from understanding another person and being able to set aside personal needs when necessary to protect a partner during their times of crisis. If one cannot understand the painful times in someone else’s life, they cannot understand and share in the joys either. Sensitivity means that one can look into the life of the other person and say and do what supports their goals. There is nothing worse than seeing a husband or a wife who has the habit of cutting down the hopes and dreams of the other. Sensitivity also means seeing when the other is in pain or in joy and knowing how to share in those emotions. There is nothing more lonely than having a partner who does not see into the other person’s life and share in the good and the bad things that are a part of their life. The one thing about marriage is that without a close partnership, it can be a very lonely place because one can never really find someone else to either share those things without violating the marriage. Therefore, being a partner and having a partner who cares and shares the emotions of the other’s life creates the core of a family so that no one feels alone and without support. RESPONSIBILITY One of the places in a marriage where there is always going to be different roles that are played is in the area of responsibility. In my marriage, my husband is very responsible about some parts of our household, where I am more spontaneous. Both roles are important because we balance one another. As an example, it may be that on a weekend day my husband will want to do work in our home, but I will convince him that since it is our day off together that he must come with me to do something to entertain us instead. Without me to suggest this he would forget to have fun. Without him to make sure things still get done, we would not live in the beautiful home that we have. We are whole people without each other, but the weaknesses that we have are enhanced and made stronger when we are with one another. Our responsibilities are different so we fulfill our roles. The other way that responsibility is important is through making sure that we take care of our needs in order to protect our future. Without an eye on our future, our family will have more problems that are not necessary. We need to protect our financial life, our health, the assets that create our life, and most importantly, we have a responsibility to each other to be faithful, caring, and in tune. If we do not take care of our relationship and be responsible about the way in which treat one another, it can all fall apart. That is not an acceptable outcome. In order to make sure that we are together and a good team, it takes a focus towards our family working and not to the outside world. Marriage is very exclusive and it is irresponsible to let something outside of us affect the way in which our future unfolds. COMMITMENT Responsibility to one another comes from a commitment to one another. Commitment is a difficult concept ot understand, even though it can be defined in the dictionary and discussed by multiple authors who have written books. Commitment is about today and it is about the future. Commitment means seeing today as something good and that we are also focused on creating a life that will be with one another until we are old and ready to spend our time with each other until it all ends. Some people think that commitment is a temporary state and that divorce is a reasonable outcome to a marriage. This is usually when someone has not been taking their responsibilities as a spouse seriously or they have allowed an outside influence to affect their level of commitment. Being committed is not a temporary state. When one commits to a marriage it means keeping their focus on the internal working of the family. People think marriage will make them happy. That is not the case. Marriage is happy if one is committed to it. Marriage is work, not because it is a burden, but because it is worth putting in effort. Without that effort on a consistent basis, then one is not giving to the marriage and will not find happiness within it. There is little one spouse can do about the commitment of the other. They can only continue to act responsibility and with a focus on the marriage and hope that the other will decide to focus as well. That is what comes from being empathetic and sensitive. When one is having a bad time, it is the responsibility of the other partner to be supportive and sensitive until the period of time of difficulty is over. Commitment means continuing to work through the hard times, even when you working alone. . UNSELFISHNESS Working alone on the marriage when the partner is having a hard time is an act of unselfishness. If one only thinks about what they can get from the marriage it will be unhappy and both partners will continually struggle. Being unselfish does not mean abandoning what one wants. It does not mean letting the other people win every battle. It also does not mean what you do is only about your partner. Being unselfish means that everything you do is with your partner considered. It is about being considerate about your actions and making sure that nothing is more important than the marriage and the feelings of your partner. It means that you will never try ot manipulate the other just to get your own desires fulfilled. Being unselfish means doing what is right and acting in ways that show respect for one another and the way in which the other will feel about what is happening. Being unselfish will sometimes require sacrifice. The hope is that one does not ever have to sacrifice too much because they are with the right partner. However, it may not be the case. The unselfish person will not give up on the other one in the marriage because the situation in the marriage changes. As an example, when I began my work in a barbershop, it changed the traditions and habits that had defined our marriage. My husband was unselfish in helping us to work through the changes until they balanced well for us. Without his commitment to making it work and being positive about it, our marriage would have suffered. This can also be caused when something that neither partner can control occurs. It is possible that one partner will become ill. This will dramatically change the relationship ADAPTABILITY, FLEXIBILITY When I went to work the ability for us to adapt and be flexible was very important. This meant that both I and my husband had to work with all of the consequences of my working. His job is very demanding. It was hard for him that all of what we did changed. His ability to adapt to the new situation was important so that we could work with the new dynamics of our relationship. Being adaptable means taking the situations that life gives you and being able to change to accommodate them. Life may give you something very unexpected. A child can come that was not expected, an illness can affect one of the partners, or a parent of one of the partners may become ill and have to move in. Being able to adapt to that situation is important and requires that both partners be responsible and committed in order to create the changes needed to accommodate the new circumstances. Often big changes will have a serious affect on the marriage. This is when it is proven that marriages take work in order to continue the commitment that has been made. Through being adaptable to the changes that occur, the marriage is more likely to survive the changes that will come as a natural part of life. Flexibility means that when change comes, the marriage partners bend with the needs that are created without breaking. Being flexible means being willing to take what comes and make the best of it. Flexibility has limits, but not to the point that when something happens that cannot be avoided the marriage snaps apart. Flexibility is best served when the partners bend together, creating a stronger force and weathering whatever may come. Bending separately will often result in bending in different ways, but together a couple may bend in ways that improve the overall outcome of a life changing situation. SPIRITUALITY AND VALUES Spirituality and values are two of the most difficult parts of a marriage to keep together if there are differences in the beginning. It is also a place where a marriage can break if someone changes what they believe later in that marriage. Ideally, the beliefs of one partner are shared with one another. A deeply spiritual bond comes when belief systems are shared. Marriage can take on the aspects of a holy bond when both partners share not only their secular lives, but their spiritual lives. If the spiritual culture that a couple comes from is shared, then values and belief systems will more likely be in line with one another which will help to develop a deeply spiritual element to the marriage. Many marriages start with two people who do not share belief systems, especially in the diverse nature of culture in the United States. There are so many different ways in which to express spirituality that unless two people meet in their place of worship, it is difficult to match levels of spirituality and basic core beliefs. In this case the couple has to be flexible about their individual beliefs in order to accommodate one another. This can lead to difficulties in the marriage, but without an expectation of shared values, the couple must learn to adapt and to be flexible. This becomes complicated when children are born. A couple that I know that has just has a child is beginning to face this difficulty. They are both Christian, but one is adamantly against evolution while the other believes in the virtues of science. As they discuss their differences it is easy to see that as their child grows older there will be issues. The final decision may be confusion which pushes the child away from any spiritual life. Finding common ground will be the only way that they can raise their children to have beliefs and to create a spiritual life with a strong set of core values. I will say that I do not see how a couple can have different beliefs and values and have a successful marriage. If two people do not worship together, the way in which they live their lives is without definition. It does happen all of the time that two people have different belief systems, but I am glad that my husband and I believe the same things and celebrate our spiritual life together. COMPANIONSHIP Companionship can mean a wide variety of things and might be seen as different with every couple. Some couples want to do everything they do with one another. These types of couples want a playmate to go into the world with and have adventures. Other couples see each other only at certain times, the end of the day being their time together where they share stories about what occurred. Sometimes a couple will have companionship where they live their own lives, perhaps a mother taking care of children while the husband takes care of their financial life. They don’t discuss the particulars of their days and they almost live separately. What they share is their children, their decisions, and moments in which their lives intersect. Companionship means different things to different people, but it is an important part of being together. Companionship may be nothing more than moments in a week or may mean being together and inseparable. In all forms of marriages, the way in which people create company for one another is one of the ways in which loneliness within the world is resolved. People who are alone do not have the ability to commune with someone else for their needs, decisions, and future. They have no way in which to plan their lives and seem to be rootless. Without the companionship of a mate, people tend to have less focus and act in less overall responsible ways. Companionship means having someone to move through life with in some capacity so that isolation and loneliness are set aside. Not all marriages have companionship, but without it, marriage is a very lonely place. Enjoying the company of another person makes life easier to experience in good and in bad times. HONESTY, FIDELITY Honesty and fidelity are two different types of elements in a marriage and while one is not necessarily the most important factor, the other is essential. Different marriages require different types of relationships and honesty is not always the best policy as advertised by the cliché. What is more important is that two people protect one another. Protecting a spouse may mean not burdening them with something that may cause them more grief. Most people would rather be spared than be burdened. Sometimes, keeping a secret is a sacrifice. This is only valid if the secret is not part of a dishonest act by the spouse. This is only valid if it is an act of unselfish behavior. An example is a mother taking care of a child in the hospital and after a bad night, sparing her husband the details of how bad that night had been for both her and the child. Another example is if one of the partners is having difficulty at work that might threaten the married couple’s future. This may not be something one would tell the other until a bad decision had occurred. Telling each other every threat may not be healthy in the long run. In evaluating the need to tell a partner something, it is important to decide whether it is necessary for both partner to worry or if it is more important to wait and spare the partner any more stress than necessary. Different relationships will handle these issues differently, but in the end, honesty is not always the most important factor. Fidelity, on the other hand, is always necessary. One should always be loyal and keep intimacy for the marriage. Being unfaithful is the kind of selfish dishonesty that can destroy a marriage. Couples may interpret their fidelity in different ways, but at the core if there are selfish lies involved the marriage commitment has been broken and it is difficult to survive this type of dishonest act. ADMIRATION AND RESPECT Admiration and respect are very important in a marriage. Being able to actively admire and respect a partner can be one of the more difficult parts of marriage. What happens in a marriage is that one sees the public person, the private person, the successful person, and the weak person that can all be the same person. When weaknesses are revealed, the result can be that admiration and respect suffer. Committing to loving someone means finding a way to keep admiration and respect fresh through accepting weaknesses as part of the beautiful balance of an individual. Sadness comes when someone reveals themselves to not be the person expected. As an example, a very successful man who loses everything is not the same man that his partner married. Commitment means understanding that the changes that happen are a part of life. Being flexible means finding new solutions to what had been expected in the past. Finding solutions will once again lead to admiration and respect. The issues of admiration and respect are found in a two ways. On one hand it is a feeling that one has for their partner. This means looking at them with the feeling of love that is expressed in admiration and respect. On the other hand, it is an act that one gives to look for ways in which to admire and respect their partner. This means that one must work towards seeing the best in what a partner does or maybe helping to direct them towards their best possible self. Admiration and respect enhance a marriage and means that support, nurture, and love are a constant part of the decision making process. Read More