Arranged Marriages: Can Be the Reason for an Unhappy Marriage or Even a Divorce - Coursework Example

Arranged marriages: can be the reason for an unhappy marriage or even a divorce? Name: Maha Saleh I.D: 201030623 COL: 240-013 Spring 2012 Instructor: Paul Gerard Carroll Word count: 257 Introduction Arranged marriages were very common in the past some families have moved on from it and some still follow the traditions and beliefs. Families that bring together marital partners who might, otherwise not have met and wed them independent of the couple’s choice are simply arranged marriages. Different types of arranged marriages are set around the world some of them were better than others and few countries that attempt this type of marriages have less percentage of divorce but can be an unpleasant experience in life for the couple at times. Arranged marriages have been around since 1644 and been decreasing over the years. Most of these arranged marriages are parents who believe it’s the last duty a parent own to his young adult as it’s their responsibility to find their partner for them and some would involve other family members or use the help of a match maker. In the Middle East and Africa mostly 50% of the marriages were arranged or otherwise it is either first or second cousin (marriage in the Arab world, 2005). In Japan when the girl reaches a suitable age to get married the word is spread among their family and friends to find a husband with same family values for their daughter (Yoshida & Ritsuko, 1990). Arranged marriages are usually seen in Indian, Asia and Africa. Although some people are in favor of arranged marriages, others believe that it can cause major problems that may lead to an unhappy life or even divorce, it denies the couple personal choice and the couple may be incompatible (Yoshida & Ritsuko, 1990). Opposite Point view 1 Over the last few years young adults were told that their partner will be chosen for them and most of these young adults can’t refuse this particular type of marriages for it is seen as a lack of respect towards the family. It is simply a customary proceeding which is expected to be followed strictly failure to which one is taken as to have betrayed the culture of the immediate community. Many studies have proven that arranged marriages have had fewer divorces maybe because divorce is not an option for the couples that have been in arranged marriages. Although many countries have different ways of this type of marriage process, they all have same goal, that is, to choose a spouse for their children, mostly in the belief that they have ample knowledge in respect to this quest and thus think that they will certainly provide their children with a successful life. However, in some countries that still practice arranged marriages, parents look upon marriage as a blessed responsibility; they make a great effort to guarantee their children to find good matches which will satisfy them. These types of coupling are said that even though they have not been in love before they got married they said that they grew respectful affection for each other and have been committed to one another. Unlike love marriages, many believe that when marriage begin with strong heavy feelings they fade away by time on the other hand arranged marriages that starts with small love grows over time while the couple learn about each other. Refute Opposite Point view 1 Although Arranged marriages has few number of divorces that may lead them to deal with a bigger issue which may put pressure on the couple and that can lead them to deal with problems, an unhappy life and possible depression may occur. Over the years, arranged marriages have been the topic in most countries (Kim, 2006) regardless of the numerous novels written about falling in love then married most of them believed families’ approval was more important. However, the young couple that are getting married for family approval do not realize what they might put themselves into, to be exposed in a relationship of being married to someone you barely know that can be a life time risk of being either happy or miserable and can be an unpleasant experience for both parties (Hussain & Bittler, 1998), especially women, some of the arranged marriages that happened in the Middle East were forced upon the girl (Yoshida & Ritsuko, 1990). A girl had no right in this say and sometimes they inform her on the same day of the wedding. Some might say that the divorces in arranged marriages are fewer and we cannot judge it by the perspective of divorces in numbers. Even though some of these types of marriages do not authorize the option of divorces (Kim, 2006), various couples have been misfits over the years but are just tied up together by their custom boundaries and simply tolerate the situation as opposed to making their own decisions. What follows is a life where one lives in torment and encased within customary intimidation all his or her life (Kim, 2006). As well as the other couples that has the opportunity to get the divorce may be scared to take it for the social pressure of being judged therefore, they may stay in that marriages hoping that things would work out or get better. Opposite Point view 2 Traditionally arranged marriages are mostly based on similarity in particular values of a community between the cultures of the two marrying couples (Mina & Louise, 2010). In China, on attaining marriage age, a person is expected to be married to a family that has similar values in terms of wealth, beliefs and social status (Wood & Eve, 1994). Parents from both sides are expected to make decisions after agreements with families with similar attributes and a match in the named attributes is expected, failure to which any marriage is taken as otherwise a disoriented one (Wood & Eve, 1994) and a shame among their society. In a way, there is a sense in that occurrence of differences between the intermarrying families is always rare and the same applies for the chances of conflicts and divorces (Yoshida & Ritsuko, 1990). In India, parents are expected to find a potential wife for their son (Mina & Louise, 2010). This is done during their son’s teenage and the son is in no way expected to explore his marital choices at all. Once selected, the parents of the potential wife engage in agreement about the marriage and both the son and his potential wife are notified. They are expected to hold to and respect their verdict. The potential bride chosen for instance is expected to wait until the groom attains marriage age where the marriage is done ceremoniously (Mina & Louise, 2010). Divorces are fewer here since the couples have a strong belief in the imposed culture and that previous marriages have taken the same course. In both of the above examples, apparently spouses have no say but agree to their parents decision (Warren, 2007). Divorce is equally taken as an abnormality and is a betrayal to the will of the parents. Refute Opposite Point view 2 The main belief in Chinese society is that each couple’s marriage must be a successful one (Wood & Eve, 1994). The mere intension of the choices being made by the parents is geared towards ensuring that the young males and females to be wedded have a successful life (Xu & Martin, 1990; Wood & Eve, 1994), free of stress and disagreements. The family of the groom was taken as the main beneficiary as the wife moves in to stay with the groom. For the bride’s family, marriage of their daughter is taken as a loss in literal terms (Xu & Martin, 1990), in that the family certainly stays for a long time before laying eyes on their daughter. In the Indian marriages, a wife’s role is to cook, clean the house and most importantly, to give birth to children and raise them (Mina & Louise, 2010). Despite the strong beliefs in the relevance of the culture of arranged marriages in these two societies, problems in marriages obviously conducted through this means have been prevalent including divorces (Mina & Louise, 2010) where the main reason, as realized later, was the arranged marriages that give no option to the couples (Yoshida & Ritsuko, 1990). The theme in these marriages is not at all love between couples but the marriage is intended to serve other named purposes such as giving birth (Harmful Traditional Practices [HTP], 2007). This has been the main cause of the numerous divorces reported particularly in the Middle East region. It is true to say that most culture are currently draining or bleaching and are rapidly being replaced by Western values (Hussain & Bittler, 1998) and too, civilization, where there is emerging a belief that one has all rights of self-organization and in making of decisions (Applbaum & Kalman,1995). There is thus an emerging tension between believing that each person has a freedom of choice especially in marriage options and the deep rooted customs and traditions that believe that the elderly have all the needed knowhow in life. Unhappy life or possible divorces As said above, the disadvantages of not allowing the children to explore their options and make their own decision in the same context often are chances of unhappy life and in extreme cases, divorce (Xu & Martin, 1990). People in different societies have hitherto realized the importance of making personal choices (Hussain & Bittler, 1998) and this have currently been changing into personal rights that no one is expected to overlook. This has been so due to the current education and the widely researched-on causes of breakages of various marriages globally (Applbaum & Kalman, 1995). The young generation has realized that there is a need for one to make correct choices of their partners. Various values such as wealth, social status and unprecedented purposes of marriage previously taken as valuable determinant factors are rapidly losing their orientation because of the heightened interaction of the youth and thus intermixing of cultures, for example, in the academic institutions. Whether an arranged marriage or one occurring after personal choices are made, it is a general rule that conflicts and disagreements often occur between married spouses (Hussain & Bittler, 1998; Kim, 2006). There is a high likelihood that a particular spouse may end up blaming the arranged marriage as the causative agent of inter-spouse conflicts. One may for example deduce that were it not for the lack of independent choosing of his or her life partner, such differences would not have occurred (Kim, 2006). The end result after such a perception is a belief that one was not married to his or her correct match (Kim, 2006), and therefore, the rest of his all her life is expected to thrive in an unfriendly and incongruent surrounding. In such arranged marriages, the spouses often have hard time to make decisions that affect a typical couple’s life (Applbaum & Kalman, 1995). In extreme and intolerable instances, indefinite divorces often occur, or threats to file one in court. Every person has a role therefore explore his or her own niche in life and be granted an opportunity to choose his or her partner independently (HTP, 2007). Inability to make up one’s own mind and personal choice Definitely, arranged marriages renders one a slave of external decision. It is not safe to say that people that are about to marry using this means completely have no personal opinions about their future especially in choosing their partners (Xu & Martin, 1990). No. Indeed they may have quite different opinions, only that they are not given the chances to decide on their respective fate. What about solving the potential disputes that may occur in the long run? And making of sound decisions that are core determinants of their smooth life in their marriage continuum? Parents only unite their children and sadly leave the rest to fate (Applbaum & Kalman, 1995). This is because the current generation completely differs with the older one in terms of the values that are attached to marriage and especially the reasons for marriage. A successful marriage in the past insisted on giving birth and rising of children only (Galston & William, 1997). According to African traditional society in particular, success in life was marked by a high number of children and wives and also livestock. On the contrary, marriages are currently almost entirely meant for companion and love and improvement of living standards and societal development with rising of the children being taken as a liability. Arranged marriages do not take into account personal options and the situation worsens further in particular communities (Galston & William, 1997). For instance, some African parents forcefully marry their daughter at an extremely young age. It is not a surprise to find a fourteen years old girl being married to a man of fifties in some communities (HTP, 2007). Such a girl, although having undergone various teachings of motherhood from her mother, she is in reality not ready to handle family matters (HTP, 2007) and hardly has cognitive grounds about the ultimate purpose of being in marriage. Actually, one is supposed to grow up to marriage age and allowed to choose his or her partner independently (Wood & Eve, 1994). Incompatibility Recently performed studies reveal that arranged marriages are completely misguided due to a number of incompatibility reasons (Kim, 2006). Biologically, a particular person may be completely incompatible to the proposed spouse depending on the various goals that a typical marriage is expected to meet. Many marriages are meant for bearing and rising of children. However, some scientific limits, for example blood group differences (Rhesus factor) may completely bar the needs of a marriage between incompatible spouses in this respect (Kim, 2006). Rhesus differences impose a condition where only one child or if lucky, two children only can be born in a family of a thus incompatible couple (HTP, 2007). The rest of pregnancies undergo miscarriage due to development of opposing antibodies in women to oppose the blood characters of the foetus from the paternal side. Such occurrences in the past were blamed on one spouse and in particular the female due to failure of giving birth for her bride’s happiness (HTP, 2007). This is evidently a misguided move and thorough research need to be conducted before marriages if the main goal is to bear several children. Sorry to say, but diseases such as HIV/AIDS can also render people incompatible if they are given choice to make their own decisions. Arranged marriages may unknowingly make one to be married to such a spouse with or without such diseases. It is not erroneous to contract such diseases but it is also true that most likely no one would prefer to contract such diseases (HTP, 2007). Arranged marriages may therefore be regarded as forced marriages (Galston & William, 1997) in where one has no chance to have his or final say about the marriage and the major consequences are left to the couple (Warren, 2007). Behavioral differences are also reasons enough to prevent marriages (Warren, 2007). Educational barriers are too there. For instance, given freedom to choose, learned people prefer marrying learned ones. Conclusion Arranged marriages have been realized to bar the marrying persons to explore their options. The practice of prearranging marriages have been evident among African and Asian Societies among others where one’s spouse is decided by the parents in advance and the bride or the groom has limited freedom to determine his spouse traits. There is an observed failure in this practice in that parents do not face the potential problems that face a couple married this way and fail to remedy their differences effectively by whichever interventions they employ (Galston & William, 1997). Arranged marriages processes most of the time do not pay attention to the incompatibilities thereof and either do it unknowingly or simply assume that things will be alright in a matter of time (Galston & William, 1997). However, forced marriages between completely incompatible spouses are likely to cause adverse consequences that are irreversible (Warren, 2007), all for the couple to live with its entire life. The current belief in people’s freedom to make marital decisions independently plus the general civilization, Westernization and the wide gap between the modern and the older generation (parents and community leaders) calls for allowance of one to be granted the chance to decide his or her own fate in terms of choice in marriage (Warren, 2007) References Xu, X. & Martin, K.W. (1990). Love Matches and Arranged Marriages: A Chinese Replication. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 52(3); pp709-716. Warren, R. (2007). Does the prospect of arrange marriage and abuse warrant asylum in the U.S.? The ChristianScience Monitor, 0323(02) pp3-8. Yoshida, & Ritsuko. (1990). Getting Married the Corporate Way. Japan Quarterly 37, pp171-175. Wood, & Eve. (June 1994). Arranged Marriage, China, 1921. Poetry, 164. pp138-9. Galston, & William, A. (1997). Making Divorce Harder Is Better. Washington Post, C3. Pp13-21. Applbaum, & Kalman. (winter 1995). Marriage with the Proper Stranger: Arranged Marriage in Metro-politan Japan. Ethnology 34. pp37-51. Harmful Traditional Practices. (2007). In-depth Study on all Forms of Violence Against Women: Report of the Secretary-General, U.N. Doc A/61/122/Add.1. pp23-27. Kim, T. (2006). Forced Marriage and Asylum. Journal of Family Relationships, 32 (1). pp12-14. Mina, R. & Louise, E. (2010). Women Movements in Asia: Feminisms and Transactivism. United Kingdom: Taylor & Francis. pp37-43. Hussain, R. & Bittler, A.H. (1998). The prevalence and demographic characteristics of cnsanguineous marriages in Pakistan, J. Biosoc. Sci, 30. pp261-75. Read More