The Wheel Theory of Love - Essay Example

? Wheel Theory of the Development of Love Ira Reiss proposed the wheel theory of the development of love in 1960. This theory states that love develops in four stages that are capable of continuing endlessly, and in a cyclical manner. The four stages include the rapport, self-revelation, mutual dependency and personality need fulfillment stages. These stages are important because they give an insight on how a romantic relationship can progressively be developed between two individuals who genuinely want to be together. It can therefore be a tool for couples to understand the factors that play a key role in maintaining a healthy and mature relationship, and consequently be able to navigate through the many pitfalls that most couples fall into. Two films that can attempt to emphasize the importance of this theory are A walk to remember, based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks and Enough, casting Jenipher Lopez as the lead character. The former movie depicts how the four stages of love can be a successful tool for a lifelong romantic relationship since it clearly shows how Landon Carter and Jamie Sullivan, a very unlikely couple, manage to come together despite their perceived differences. On the other hand, the later movie depicts the difficulties that a hurriedly constituted romantic relationship can face, as is evident in the misfortunes of Slim marrying an abusive man. This paper, therefore, seeks to emphasize the importance of taking the time to develop an intimate relationship through mutual attraction and self –disclosure, as these aspects are crucial to creating mutual acceptance and trust. The wheel theory of love attempts to outline the stages in which love develops from the moment two individuals meet, to the moment they make a lifetime commitment to stay with each other. This is explained in four stages aforementioned in paragraph one: the rapport, self-revelation, mutual dependency and personality need fulfilment stages. According to the theory, the rapport stage is the first stage. This is characterized by the attraction that two individuals meeting for the first time may experience. Most often, this attraction may be based on the similarity of social background, interests, or values of the two individuals. This is usually the case because they feel that they have many things to talk about and can agree on almost every aspect of their social lives e.g. two people raised brought up in strictly religious families will most certainly agree on issues such as sexual abstinence until marriage, observing the Sabbath by going to church every week without fail and on certain modest forms of dressing. Similar interests and hobbies are viewed as tools for enjoying recreational activities together thus one will not feel left out of the other’s life. However, this theory also proposes that rapport may be based on differences in people’s backgrounds and interests. This is because they may see each other as an interesting contrast to themselves or may see and desire qualities that the other has. For example, a shy person who rarely talks with others may be attracted to an outgoing and lively individual because they admire those outgoing tendencies that they themselves do not possess. A good rapport builds the foundation of whether the relationship will progress further or fizzle out. If the attraction persists and the rapport is strong, the relationship develops into the second stage of self-revelation of self-disclosure. This is the deliberate and voluntary sharing of information about oneself with another, such as personal dreams, hobbies, interests, upbringing, belief systems and educational background. People have different perspectives of how much self-disclosure is proper, and how to react to each other’s self-revelations. At the initial stages of the relationship, self-disclosure is mostly determined by stereotyped and superficial behaviors such as mental pictures of how the prospective partner should be, past relationship experiences, and ideas about social class, ethnic and gender-appropriate behaviors (Lamanna and Riedmann, 2010). Sometimes revealing too much at the onset may be considered rash and supposedly driven by ‘hidden’ negative agendas such as just wanting to solicit sexual favors. This may, thus, off-putting to some people. This stage is also characterized by anxiety over the possibility of rejection by disclosing sensitive information or that personal information they share may be revealed to unwanted third parties in the form of gossip. Some individuals may therefore choose to reveal only half-truths or just the basic information about themselves as they still gauge the level of trust that they can bestow on their prospective partners. However, the best way that individuals can deal with this anxiety, as proposed by this theory, is by letting their prospective partners see their true selves by revealing all information that are pertinent to building mutual acceptance and trust. As self-disclosure progresses, the relationship moves into the third stage of mutual dependency. This is the desire of two people to spend more time together. This can be through developing habits that require the input or presence of both parties. For example, an individual may feel lonely and depressed eating meals alone that when dining with one’s partner. Consequently, one will often ensure that meals are shared with the partner, thus, spend more time in each other’s company. Mutual dependency therefore brings more love and intimacy to the relationship as partners feel the need to always spend their days together. Eventually, this develops into the last stage of need fulfillment. In this phase, the partners strive to satisfy each other’s emotional needs or fill in the gaps in each other’s lives (Lamanna and Riedmann, 2010). There is an increase in rapport and deeper self-revelation. The partners feel much more at ease and comfortable with each other, that they reveal more of their secrets and desires that they could not reveal before such as medical and health issues, family problems like divorce, past negative encounters like rape, personal weaknesses among others. More mutually dependent habits are developed such as watching movies together or going for a hike every weekend. The partners become very close and intimate that they may feel ready to engage in sexual activities. However, it should be noted that these four stages are not mutually exclusive. They overlap on each other and the cycle recurs repeatedly, thus, continuous and endless. As aforementioned in paragraph, one, two selected films can be used to best emphasize the importance of this theory. As described above, the rapport stage is beneficial because it gives individuals the option to build the foundation of a relationship with another. This happens regardless of whether the attraction is based on similar or different interests and backgrounds. This is clearly shown in A Walk to remember, when Landon Rollins, a rebellious student with no defined plans for the future, falls in love with Jamie Sullivan, a reverend’s daughter brought up in a strict Christian home. She has clearly defined goals for her future such as making a telescope and getting a tattoo, yet she still falls in love with the prank-loving Landon. However, a good rapport with another person may not be an accurate indicator of future loving relationship and should not thus be relied upon in its entirety. This is clearly depicted in the movie Enough. Even though Mitch Hiller appeared to be a gentleman when he defended Slim against the unwanted romantic advances from a customer in the diner, he turned out to be a violent and an abusive husband who constantly assaulted his wife Slim. The good rapport and attraction between them on the onset was not enough to indicate the bad direction the marriage would take. Therefore, other factors such as the non-verbal cues should also be taken into consideration before moving onto the next stage. For example, if Slim had paid more attention to the violent way in which Mitch harassed the man in the diner, she would have had inkling to his violent temperamental nature and maybe decided against continuing with their encounter. The self-revelation stage is important because it builds mutual acceptance and trust, respect and understanding and tolerance for each other’s weaknesses. It also enables individuals to gauge their compatibility or conflict with their partner’s interests and goals. By knowing each other’s faults and weaknesses, the partners learn to trust one another with their secrets and accept those faults since no one individual is perfect. In the A Walk to Remember movie, Landon discloses his inability to master his lines to Jamie and asks for her assistance. Jamie agrees to help him and they end up spending more time together. As a result, Landon was able to know more personal details about her such as her wish list. Thus, by Landon letting on one of his faults, Jamie was able to also open up about her life, hence mutual trust developed. However, Jamie did not reveal all the items on her wishlist because she still did not completely trust him, given his friends’ reputation. So when Landon embarrasses her in front of his friends when she asks him about their daily meetings, she feels betrayed and refuses to talk to him. This emphasizes the feeling of anxiety over rejection that people feel about self-disclosure. Jamie felt rejected and withdrew. This gives credence to the fact that people may feel justified to hold back on some aspects of their lives until they feel assured of the their partner’s acceptance and trust. This being said, however, self-disclosure alone cannot be relied upon in its entirety because some pertinent information may be concealed at the detriment of the other partner (Darlega and Chaikin, 1977). For example, in the Enoughmovie, Slim relied entirely on the shady information that Mitch told her about himself without considering the possibility that he might be lying to her. She should have made some effort on her part to find out more about him from his friends, past acquaintances or family members. His mother would have let slip of his history of physical abuse. Therefore, not only should individuals rely solely on what their partners disclose, but should also find out more on their own before making a decision to proceed with the relationship. Mutual dependency stage is important because it fosters closeness. The more individuals spend time together, the more they get to know about each other. Their interests and activities get aligned. In A Walk to Remember, Landon and comes to Jamie’s defense and comforts her when a pornographic film of her is made and distributed in school. He wins her trust and takes her out to dinner. After that they were inseparable and went on long walks together, talking about their dreams and rehearsed the spring play together. Jamie depended on Landon to help her accomplish the items on her wish list such as taking her to the Stateline where she could be in two places at one, and giving her a temporary tattoo of a butterfly. However, too much dependency can be harmful because it can erode the individuality of a person in the relationship. One should never relinquish their ability to think and decide for themselves what is good for them. This is illustrated in Enough, as Slim left her job as a waiter at the diner when she got married to Mitch. Since her husband was wealthy enough to provide for her, she saw no reason to work. So when the abuse started, she had no financial footing of her own and had to submit to her husband’s adultery. When she finally escaped with her child, all her credit cards were frozen and she was left penniless and on the run. Therefore, mutual dependency should not be emphasized at the cost of loss of one’s individuality. Finally, the last stage of personality need fulfilment is beneficial because it increases rapport and promotes deeper self-revelation. Partners strive to satisfy each other’s deepest need and help promote each other’s welfare. This is clearly illustrated in the movie A Walk to remember, where Jamie felt comfortable enough to disclose her wish to get married in the church where her parents were married, and that she had leukemia. Landon, wanting to complete her wish list, proposed to her and they got married in the church she wanted. Thus, Landon felt the need to fulfill Jamie’s list and wanted her to be happy. In return, Jamie’s association with Landon gave him a sense of direction and made him work towards a successful medical career. His need for accomplishment and direction in life was fulfilled. However, the concentration on fulfilling a partner’s needs should be done in moderation and only when warranted by genuine circumstances. In the movie Enough, Slim concentrated on fulfilling Mitch’s feeling of inadequacy and desire for attention and love that she could not see the obsessive tendencies in time to get out. She thought that by not being allowed to work, Mitch valued her closeness. She could not see that it was his jealousy and his possessive nature to control her. Thus, when it finally dawned on her, she was left with both physical and emotional scars, that she had to kill her husband in order to regain control of her life. Therefore, the need for maintaining one’s individuality cannot be underscored. In conclusion, the wheel theory of development of love is important because it attempts to help people understand the nature of love and its progress from the moment two prospective partners meet. The rapport stage gives the relationship a good foundation and emphasizes the importance of both similarities and differences in a couple’s interests, the self-revelation stage builds mutual trust, acceptance and respect, the mutual dependency stage fosters closeness and intimacy and, the need fulfillment stage breeds greater satisfaction in aiding each other achieve personal goals and dreams. With this understanding, partners may learn to give love the ample time to grow rather than rush into it with insufficient information.They may understand the importance of full self-disclosure as a tool for breeding trust even though they may face the risk of rejection or their information falling into unwanted third parties. However, this theory should not be followed strictly since it omits other factors such as non-verbal cues, own personal research on the prospective partner and maintaining one’s own individuality, which are pertinent to the success of any romantic relationship. Ultimately, the making of a lasting and healthy relationship depends entirely on the goodwill from the parties involved, as this will determine if their actions or words are genuine. References Darlega V. and Chaikin L. (1977) Privacy and self-disclosure in social relationships Journal of Social Issues, 33 (3), 102-115 Lamanna M. and Riedmann A. (2010) Marriages, Families, and Relationships: Making Choices in a Diverse Society, 11th Edition Wadsworth Cengage Learning Read More