Jealousy and Distrust in Long-Distance Relationships - Essay Example

Jealousy and Distrust in Long-Distance Relationships The Internet Age presents pros and cons to married couples in long-distance relationships: it can support open and sustainable communication, or it can be used to reduce openness and deceive partners. Facebook and instant messengers use can lengthen or destroy relationships. They can improve the quality of relationships if they are used to communicate regularly and to improve emotional connection despite lack of proximity, or they can be used to avoid problems and to develop extra-marital relationships (Elphinston & Noller, 2011). The essay focuses on the case of Penny and Harry, a married couple in a long-distance relationship. Penny, 31 years old, is a stay-at-home mother who has a business, while Harry, 35 years old, is a military official. They have two young kids, ages 2 and 5 years old. Overview of the Case Penny feels betrayed. She discovered that her husband flirted with other women several times in Facebook and instant messanging, including telling a woman he once courted that he loves her, although in a playful tone. She expresses that she continues to feel the pain of his betrayal because she cries at night and wonders at times if they can still make each other happy. She begins thinking of their differences in values as people, such as her being more practical in life and focused on inward growth, while her husband enjoys material things and being updated with the latest brands and trends. She also feels that she cannot trust him anymore, although she tries to give him enough trust for her to function normally as a wife and to perform her daily life responsibilities. Her distrust motivates her to check his husband’s phones and gadgets for signs of infidelity. As for Harry, he feels that he has not done anything wrong because he did not engage in sexual infidelity and did not want to intentionally deceive his wife. He does not like talking about these “old problems” because he insists that he is not doing anything wrong to his wife and that he loves her. He is adamant that he intends to stay married and does not want a broken family. He is willing to assure his wife that he will be more aware of his behaviors by being more mindful of the difference between being a flirt and being friendly towards women. He has problems with relationship talks, however, because he does not feel comfortable in verbally expressing himself and he prefers nonverbal expressions of love and assurance. Goals The essay intends to review the literature about relationship concepts and relational maintenance strategies. It also offers relationship analysis and communication behaviors analysis. It ends with recommendations on how the couple can resolve their issues through communication-based strategies. Review of Literature Romantic relationships can undergo particular stages that have distinct features of communication, ideas, and feelings, wherein Knapp (1984) provides the ten stages of relationship development and breakup (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.293). He divided these stages into five coming-together and five coming-apart stages. The five coming-together stages are initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding, while the five coming-apart stages are differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating. These stages do not always neatly occur subsequently and couples may find themselves in a number of stages concurrently (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.293). Married couples are in the bonding stage because they have already willfully entered into a public bond that has social and legal aspects (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.295). The society sees them as a married couple, including the government (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.295). A set of laws and customs can make the relationship stronger, though they may also make the relationship feel overly structured and rigid (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.295). Apart from love, trust is essential to the maintenance of happy long-term relationships. Trust is “the expectation that a partner can be relied upon to be responsive to one’s needs and to promote one’s best interests, both now and in the future” (Luchies et al., 2013, p. 674). Trust gives a sense of peace and independence that are healthy emotions and processes for happy and lasting relationships (Fatima & Ajmal, 2012). Trusting the partner’s loyalty decreases the need for constant monitoring and controlling of the partner’s actions (Elphinston & Noller, 2011). In addition, trust entails relational dependence because partners trust in one another’s wisdom in making decisions (Fatima & Ajmal, 2012). An example would be where the partner trusts the other partner to make decisions that is best for their marriage and family (Fatima & Ajmal, 2012). Trust fosters independence without harming the sense of we-ness (i.e. sense of bond between two partners) for long-term relationships. Trust levels, in particular, can result to biased memories of transgressions in romantic relationships. Threats to trust are transgressions that can create feelings of jealousy and doubt in the partner’s words and behaviors (Gatzeva & Paik, 2011; Guerrero et al., 2014, p.266). Transgressions are incidents where the partner has behaved in opposition to relationship norms and expectations (Luchies et al., 2013, p. 674). Gatzeva and Paik (2011) learned from their study that married couples had considerably lower emotional and physical satisfaction, when jealous conflicts occurred, compared to cohabiting (living together and with sexual relationship) and noncohabiting couples. In another study, Luchies et al. (2013) tested three hypotheses to understand the correlation between trust and biased memory of transgressions. The Trust Hypothesis believes that people who have high/low trust in their partner will remember lower/higher former transgressions and will rate them as less/more severe and consequential (Luchies et al., 2013, p. 675). The Partner Moderation Hypothesis asserts that connecting trust with biased memory will be more salient for recollections that depend on “(a) the number, severity, and consequentiality of partner transgressions than of own transgressions and (b) the partner’s forgiveness of own transgress” (Luchies et al., 2013, p. 675). The Unique Variance Hypothesis asserts that trust will explain the “unique variance in biased memory” where variance can be attributed to relationship-specific factors of commitment/satisfaction, person-level traits (e.g. self-esteem, dispositional forgiveness, or attachment orientations), and social-level responses (e.g. self-deception and impression management responses) (Luchies et al., 2013, p. 676). Luchies et al. (2013) conducted four longitudinal studies wherein Studies 1, 3, and 4 focused on stable relationships, while Study 2 referred to a fledgling relationship. All studies showed high support for the Trust Hypothesis and Unique Variance Hypothesis and moderate support for the Partner Moderation Hypothesis. Findings showed that trusting individuals believe that their partners are benevolent toward the self and can stop recalling every event and negative effects of partner’s transgressions, while less trusting people do not believe in their partner’s benevolence toward the self and greatly protect themselves by remembering their partner’s transgressions as more plentiful, severe, and significant than they originally reported (Luchies et al., 2013, p. 692). Trust cannot be preserved when partners feel jealousy, especially that which is present due to the Internet Age. Internet use has been shown to be connected to lower relationship satisfaction and jealousy (Elphinston & Noller, 2011) and monitoring the partner’s Internet use decreases relationship trust (Darvell, Walsh, & White, 2011). Elphinston and Noller (2011) studied the connection between Facebook use, on the one hand, and jealousy and relational satisfaction, on the other hand. Their sampling included 342 undergraduate students in Australia. Their findings showed that Facebook intrusion was connected to relationship dissatisfaction, when romantic jealousy was present and when surveillance behaviors were salient. Darvell et al. (2011) focused on determining the factors that shape recurrent Facebook partner-monitoring, through the extended theory of planned behavior (TPB) framework. The TPB states that intentions are the strongest determinants of behaviors (Darvell et al., 2011). Intention has three constructs: attitudes (“individual’s positive or negative evaluation of performing a behavior,” subjective norms (“an individual’s perceived social pressure to perform the behavior”), and perceived behavioral control (PBC) (“an individual’s perception of control over performing the behavior”) (Darvell et al., 2011, p. 718). Their sampling included 244 Facebook users in romantic relationships. Findings showed that attitude and subjective norm predicted intentions to engage in Facebook partner-monitoring, and that daily Facebook logins greatly predicted intention and behavior. Facebook use duration can increase monitoring attitudes and behaviors (Darvell et al., 2011). These studies indicate that Internet use can have negative effects on relationship attitudes and behaviors. Though the Internet can introduce threats to romantic relationships, several relationship maintenance strategies can reduce these threats’ impact on relationship satisfaction. Positivity refers to cheerful and optimistic verbal and nonverbal expressions towards partners, as well as doing unsolicited favors and giving unexpected tangible and non-tangible gifts (e.g. doing partner’s household chores) (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.300). Positivity is significantly important to happy relationships for both same-sex and heterosexual relationships (Edenfield, Adams, & Briihl, 2012; Guerrero et al., 2014, p.300). Assurance is another relationship maintenance strategy that involves emphasizing how the partner and relationship are important and describing a secure future together (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.301). Sharing tasks is another strategy because it is based on mutual responsibility for chores and an equitable division of labor (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.301). It includes asking partners how they can help and exerting effort to do equal activities in the household and childcare (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.301). The next strategy is acceptance which includes accepting the partners’ identity and forgiving their flaws and mistakes (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.302). Acceptance includes affirmation and support (Fatima & Ajmal, 2012; Guerrero et al., 2014, p.302). Self-disclosure is also essential to intimacy maintenance because it allows openness of feelings and fears without negative consequences (Edenfield et al., 2012). Self-disclosure includes both sharing of emotions and ideas with the partner, as well as encouraging the other to practice self-disclosure (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.302). Romantic maintenance further includes relationship talks which refer to discussing the status of and feelings regarding the relationship (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.303). Relationship talks are essential in gauging investment in the relationship and in determining agreement and differences in future goals and plans (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.303). It includes talking about relational boundaries, where the couple subsystem negotiates on how they will interact with outside subsystems, including in-laws, friends, and strangers (Norton & Baptist, 2014). Having boundaries refers to having “a set of rules and expectations that define who or what participates in the subsystem and how that interaction occurs, function to maintain freedom from interference by other subsystems” (Norton & Baptist, 2014, p.2). These boundaries are important in preserving social networks without leading to fidelity problems (Norton & Baptist, 2014). Relationship Analysis and Recommendations Relationship Stage Penny and Harry are in the bonding stage, but they are experiencing differentiating and circumscribing stages already. Penny finds her difference with her partner more salient because she feels betrayed and cannot fully trust her husband anymore (Guerrero et al., 2014). She feels that her husband deceives her by saying he will change his behaviors towards others, but he still continues flirting with other women. As a result, she feels easily jealous and justifies the need for relational intrusion through monitoring her husband’s communication with other women online and other communication tools. Harry may not feel the same feelings of differentiating, although he circumscribes their relationship issues through avoiding talking about their problems (Guerrero et al., 2014). He prefers to brush his wife’s emotions and thoughts under the rug and does not want to talk about bad perceptions and memories. He intends to stay in the safe zone, where he and his wife can avoid certain topics and focus more on positive emotions and experiences. Moreover, Harry does not like his wife’s intrusion on his privacy. He feels that Penny should forgive and forget and focus on their happiness. Communication Styles and Behaviors Relational intrusion only reinforces distrust and jealousy. Penny should stop monitoring her husband’s communication gadgets because it can lead to controlling behaviors (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.312). These forms of intrusion can also lead to invasion of privacy that can negatively affect their relationship satisfaction (Guerrero et al., 2014, p.312). In addition, intrusion can deepen jealousy. Penny might find messages that may not be flirtatious, but consider them as such, because of her jealousy. Jealousy can be particularly harmful for married couples because it breaks the assumption of exclusivity and leads to feelings of insecurity and poor self-esteem (Gatzeva & Paik, 2011). Harry practices a dismissive communication style, but he shows positive attitude towards the marriage and his family. He is uncomfortable with self-disclosure, however, probably because of his professional background and introvert personality. Relational Maintenance Strategies The solution is to implement several relational maintenance strategies that are important to stopping the continuation of the stages of differentiating and circumscribing. To decrease differentiation, the couple must use positivity, acceptance, assurance, and sharing tasks. Penny should decrease rumination that dwells on their past relationship problems and produces negative affect and cognition. Rumination that focuses on negative emotions and ideas can produce implicit negative affect regulation (Jostmann, Karremans, & Finkenauer, 2011). She must think positively through focusing on making their couple interactions fun, romantic, and upbeat (Guerrero et al., 2014). She must also let go of jealousy and enjoy her marriage. Harry must also practice more assurance strategies. He must regularly express, even infrequently, how much he loves his wife and that he will not do anything to damage their relationship and break their family apart. In addition, they must accept each other’s differences (Guerrero et al., 2014). Penny should not expect Harry to be as inward-looking as her, while Harry should respect Penny’s inward life. They should openly talk about relational boundaries too, without significantly changing each other’s real identities. Moreover, to decrease differentiating, they must share more tasks together (Guerrero et al., 2014). Whenever they are together, they must exert effort to do chores and child caregiving responsibilities as equally as possible (Guerrero et al., 2014). They must also appreciate each other’s contribution to the everyday and long-term attainment of their needs as a couple and as parents. To stop circumscribing, they should practice more self-disclosure and relationship talks. Penny does not seem to have problems with self-disclosure, except that she can be too emotional at times. Harry needs to feel comfortable in disclosing his feelings to his wife, in order to show that he is sincere in responding to her feelings of jealousy and betrayal. They must perform frequent relationship talks, whether online or face-to-face. They should set time to talk about the status of their relationship and openly and respectfully share and respond to their thoughts and feelings about one another (Guerrero et al., 2014). They must not use defensive or silent responses to conflicts and engage in calm and open discussions without using judgmental tones and statements (Edenfield et al., 2012). They should focus on their goals as a couple, where they intend to live happily as a married couple and to maintain love and trust in their relationship. They should also decrease Internet use when together and use face-to-face interactions more often to decrease jealousy and improve bonding moments. In essence, Penny must strive to trust Harry again, while Harry must strive to follow relational boundaries and not flirt with other women again. Instead, they should flirt more often with one another and produce more good memories that will help Penny forget past negative feelings and ideas. References Darvell, M.J., Walsh, S.P., & White, K.M. (2011). Facebook tells me so: Applying the theory of planned behavior to understand partner-monitoring behavior on Facebook. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 14(12), 717-722. doi: 10.1089/cyber.2011.0035. Edenfield, J.L., Adams, K.S., & Briihl, D.S. (2012). Relationship maintenance strategy use by romantic attachment style. North American Journal of Psychology, 14(1), 149-162. Elphinston, R.A., & Noller, P. (2011). Time to face it! Facebook intrusion and the implications for romantic jealousy and relationship satisfaction. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 14(11), 631-635. doi: 10.1089/cyber.2010.0318. Fatima, M., & Ajmal, M.A. (2012). Happy marriage: A qualitative study. Pakistan Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 9(2), 37-42. Gatzeva, M., & Paik, A. (2011). Emotional and physical satisfaction in noncohabiting, cohabiting, and marital relationships: The importance of jealous conflict. Journal of Sex Research, 48(1), 29-42. doi: 10.1080/00224490903370602. Guerrero, L. K., Andersen, P. A., & Afifi, W. A. (2014). Close encounters: Communication in relationships (4th ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications, Inc. Jostmann, N.B., Karremans, J., & Finkenauer, C. (2011). When love is not blind: Rumination impairs implicit affect regulation in response to romantic relationship threat. Cognition & Emotion, 25(3), 506-518. doi: 10.1080/02699931.2010.541139. Luchies, L.B., Wieselquist, J., Rusbult, C.E., Kumashiro, M., Eastwick, P.W., Coolsen, M.K., & Finkel, E.J. (2013). Trust and biased memory of transgressions in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, 104(4), 673-694. doi: 10.1037/a0031054. Norton, A. M., & Baptist, J. (2014). Couple boundaries for social networking in middle adulthood: Associations of trust and satisfaction. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 8(4), 1-15. doi: 10.5817/CP2014-4-2. Read More