Why Don't We Listen Better by Petersen - Book Report/Review Example

Practical Book Review Practical Book Review Summarize! James C. Petersen’s self-help book, Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships was published by the Portland-based Petersen Publications in 2007. The book’s focus is on the ability to listen and connect in relationships with others, which illustrates the significance of successful communication. Petersen emphasises on why emotions must not be permitted to determine the contents of communication and demonstrates it with the concept of the “flat-brain theory” of emotions. He uses waist-to-head graphic drawings of the human body to illustrate and then distinguish between the formation of emotional and thinking reactions. Petersen opines that reactions originate from different areas of the body such as the stomach, heart and head. For instance, he suggests that feelings or emotions originate from the stomach; support, concerns and suggestions from the heart; and deciding, thinking, remembering and planning from the head. He further implores readers to observe constantly the origins of their reactions. The author shows that communication can be categorised in either “level one” or “level two” communication. In level one, information is given and received and viewpoints discussed while communication that goes beyond words and facilitates satisfying relationships are characteristic of level two communication. Persons communicating on level one are not capable of connecting the three required areas to communicate effectively, which are the head, stomach and heart, while those communicating on level two can connect the areas and establish connections in the process. Petersen uses the flat-brain theory to elaborate the consequences of allowing only one area of communication to dominate over the others in communication. He points out overloading of stomachs, mouths working overtime, seeing getting distorted and hearing skewed and hearts becoming hard like bricks as examples. He calls the consequences the “flat-brain tango” in which the stomach swells when filled with emotions, pushing the heart in turn and eventually making the brain go flat. The author then uses the TLC (Talker-Listener Card) to teach readers how to make level two communications effective and useful to them. Essentially, the TLC is a reminder that emphasises on the reciprocity of the relationship between the person talking and the one listening. Petersen illustrates that there is more to listening than simply hearing and both talker and listener have roles to play in making the communication process more effective, which avoids the flat-brain tango. First and foremost, the problem is owned by the talker and they must solve it without accusing, attacking, judging or labeling. The listener’s role is dictated by the fact that the problem does not belong to them and solving it is not their responsibility. The remaining part of the books reveals everyday faults in the process of listening, providing guidance on how they can be addressed. Petersen concludes his book by linking the faults with the corresponding connections between the head, stomach and heart, demonstrating how communication can be achieved effectively. He discusses how TLC can be applied in group settings and also used to moderate conversations. RESPOND! Responding to Petersen’s book, I could not help thinking about the numerous times I tried to explain to the patron the harassment I had been subjected to by members of a volunteer group I once worked for. The feeling that I was not heard even magnified my perceived self-view of not being normal. Petersen teaches that the right to talk and be listened to is earned by first listening, which led me to patiently listen to the patron as he narrated his own painful past that led him to start the volunteer group. When I started explaining my own painful experience with the group members, he casually told me to “move beyond petty matters”. Sadness instantly made my stomach turn, making me gulp involuntarily. Being brushed aside made me learn that his being unwilling to grant me audience was not the key problem but rather, his being unable to acknowledge my emotions and feelings as being normal following the harassment was more painful. Peterson also teaches that listeners need to clarify what talkers are saying and offer them understanding and safety, which is what I painfully realised the patron should have done. It is at that point that I also learned that I had all along been offering the patron these things and his being unable to reciprocate was extremely painful. His being judgmental hindered me from sharing thoughts and feelings. REFLECT! The “ah ha” moment that popped up after reading the book is that people’s feelings and emotions determine the way they relate to others. This notion made me realise that the patron was so engulfed in his own painful past that the hurt in him could not allow him to listen to others’ problems. Further, he could not even identify or feel the hurt others were going through. I also realised that perhaps the best way to get him to listen is by allowing him to talk more of his feelings and stop pushing him to listen to mine. I needed to put aside my own point of view and, more importantly, use the TLC with him because this technique will help me to let him understand the way to conduct effective communication. I learned from the book that our actions on the behalf of each other is we allow listening to take place in greater depth, which is a manifestation of doing unto others we would like them to do unto us. The concept of TLC made me realise that I had also previously not whole-heartedly engaged in the communication process and it was part of my role to establish a meaningful connection. For me to benefit, the patron must also act on both mine and his own behalf so that we can engage in talking and listening at our free will. ACT! The practical application of the concepts taught by Petersen will form the most logical and crucial element after reading it. I commit to make myself a less talker and better listener. I have learned and will apply the concept that I should not consider my thoughts as having more importance than those of people am listening to. I will use the TLC technique to minimise emotional interference, establish supportive relationships, build self-confidence and clarify thinking. Assuming the role of the talker will enable me to create stronger bonds and allow me to be connected with others without making them feel I am forcing them to assume the role of listener. Being the talker may seem aggressive, but it will also stop me from being a ritual listener who does not exactly listen to the talker. When I take on the talker role, I will be conveying to others the message that it is worthwhile listening to me. This will also enable me to go after meaningful relationships only with listeners who are ready to let me disclose myself. Petersen also teaches about being better listeners. I have an ambition to work with a correctional facility ministry and I know my listening ability will be crucial in such settings. I will use my ability to accurately repeat the message the talker is conveying and try not to appear domineering. However, this does not mean that I will stop being more direct about what I think and speak. The TLC and the four objectives of communication I have learned from the book gave me an interactive reading that has armed me with useful tools that will be productive in sessions with counselees. I will come up with poster versions of the illustrations Petersen has used in the book to go through sessions with counselees, which will be easier than using the entire book in the counseling scenario. Read More