Interpersonal Communication - Book Report/Review Example

Studies in Interpersonal Communications Why don’t we listen better? Communicating & connecting in relationship.” James c. Peterson For close to forty years, Peterson has paid attention to pastoral ministry and this book reveals his experience and skills counseling and teaching couples and talking at communication workshops. His dedication to pastoral ministry greatly benefits the audience of this book, city government, colleges and universities, corporate clients, churches, students, couples and deaf communities. The book offers practical assistance to couples to establish proper interactions through valuable communication skills[Pet07]. Peterson demonstrates the development of listening skills from define the listening and talking that is required for better communication process that results to understanding and reinforcing relations between each other. In order to kick start the book, Peterson affirms that though most people believe that they listen well, they do not and this costs relationships, and the feelings of people towards each other. Throughout the Peterson uses powerful perceptive flat brain theory to reveal the reasons for humans becoming upset and confused, and the solutions. The confusion and upset results from the fact that as others talk, our focus is on our thoughts other than the said words resulting to failed communication. In the flat brain theory, the position of the heart, stomach, and head result to an explanation of how communication cords the functions of each to work together and individually. According to Peterson (2007), failure to understand the role of feelings and mixed thought in relationships results to disconnects and flat brain syndrome that affects body functionalities like sight, hearing, and talking amongst others. The flat brain syndrome transfer is easy especially when the other person attempts to use defense mechanism to assist the person out of their situation. For those in flat-brain syndrome, the best way to assist is by adapting effective listening by taking turns guided by either an independent third party or a Talker-listener card or TLC that sets the communication rules. Taking turns in talking results sharing feelings without judging or blaming and the listener then calms the talker and clarifies the situation before getting into any agreement. Peterson recommends that for both the listener and the talker, effective listening application is essential for understanding different techniques and decoding them for the correct and intended meaning. For instance, the book denote that the use of punctuation marks like exclamations that indicate anger should be spotted and the listener avoid such traps by repeating, using Para-feeling or Para-thinking among other techniques. The listener should also readily identify and understand the circumstances under which communication occurs to avoid additional traps like tears, anger, and fear amongst others. By effectively taking turns in talking and identifying the situation for application of the correct listening skills, two-party conversations and families can resolve crises and the couple reinforce their relationship with each other. Instead of misunderstandings, the couple ends up making decisions together. However, Peterson states three important conditions to sustain effective relationships, which are empathy, warmth and genuineness. By observing these conditions, resolving crises for couples will ensure that the attainment of a solution leaves each party in better shape than before[Pet07]. RESPOND The part of this book about me is chapters 21-24 which involves using Talk Listen Card or TLC in groups. In groups, TLC is an easy to use tool that assists group members to develop skills in listening and speaking for come-alive communication. In most instances, groups are intended at discussing academic work and the creative use of taking turns is crucial. When using the TLC card, group members learn to respect the decision of the card on who is to talk while all others listen. Personally, listening to others in the group does not only make me understand their concept but to relax, think, relate my concept or ideas with the ideas of others and establish empathy and cooperation. Using TLC in class work groups, win-lose interactions are turned into participative cooperation since everyone has equal chances of talking as others listen, listening as others talk. To my surprise, our group for class work related discussions has drastically changed from the goals of having one’s opinion carry the day to having one’s opinion contribute towards the common academic goal. In addition, when one person is talking, it is easy to keep track of them and where necessary time them. This is a very great tool when dealing with people within difficult groups. Difficult groups amongst students involve disorder, lawlessness, and unhealthy relationships amongst members. However, TLC promotes active listening in difficult group discussions thereby promoting communication and interactions only within the boundaries relevant to keep the group goals and objectives while preventing unproductive arguments. Further, TLC enables members of difficult group discussions to work together with or without differences in their opinions given that each one of them understands they have to Do-it-yourself. TLC use in two party conversations plays a crucial role. REFLECT After reading the book, I am not surprised to realize that some couples or group members blend and manage to make decisions together while other groups never have academic excellence to associate to their group discussions. The answer for these differences, I now understand, is nothing beyond anyone’s reach but the magical power of people to listen and talk in turns towards healthy discussions unlike unhealthy arguments. What bothers me about this book? The assertion that human communication evolves in the heart, brain, and stomach bothers me because in order to develop healthy relationships, I have to engage the three. Although I am reticent to accept the involvement of the stomach in the development of effective communication but this is clear especially with the evidence that the stomach is the emotional area since it is the organ that hampers inner nudges that makes reveals to me that I am uncomfortable, frustrated, excited, happy, angry, or resentful. However, when relating the stomach with my communication I realize that in most cases when I am anticipating exams or higher responsibilities, I always experience butterflies in my stomach. I realize that my internal response to the world around me define my feelings which are then kept in my stomach. For the first time in my life, I realize that my non-productive communication has always been due to my failure to balance the involvement of my heart, stomach, and brain. For some of the instances that I have failed in my communication, my brain has formulated speech and chosen words that that fail to take control of the emotions in me. The result has been expression of anger, frustration, and arguments with others thereby exposing me as disrespectful and out of control with my emotions. ACT Reading the book has made me realize my shortfalls in establishing effective communication that result to poor relationships with others within group discussions and other conversations. I have failed to realize that effective communication with others goes beyond perceiving communication just as a skill but as a call for empathy, genuineness, and warmth. Consequently, my communication has, in most instances, ended up as primary exchange of information and general discussions that lacks depth and that fails to establish relational requirements. In this regard, I need to work on my communication such that it results to deeper communication and not just information exchange. In order to enhance my relational requirements in communication, I need to engage in second level communication where my brain works in line with my emotions to move me into deeper interactions. With second level communication, I will not just involve in information exchange but will also practice emotional connections coupled with shared feelings. Peterson reveals that shared feelings and emotional connections result from interactive decision making that result to negotiations by involved parties in order to get a satisfactory decision. Additionally, second level communication will mean that I am aware of the situations within which my contribution is called for. Peterson identifies that different communication situations call for different listening techniques such that one does not fall into communication traps and listening biases[Bur95]. Some traps that I have fallen for include tears, fear, and consistent anger. I realize that the best communication will require that I listen without agreeing, disagreeing or advising but focus on listening to understand under the guidance of TLC to promote balanced communication. One of my friends is good at talking while accusing, violent, criticizing, or tagging others as responsible for her failures and always uses tears to emphasize her suffering. As the listener, I have fallen for my friend’s tears during our dialogues, without identify her personality[Car14]. Together, we need to use the Talker/Listener Card to use as a reminder of roles. Additionally, whenever I am listening to her I need to be careful not to fall into the communication traps from her dialogue. She has to understand that she owns the problem and that sharing her feelings and thoughts does not have to involve accusation, judgment, or attacking. On the contrary, the expressions of her thoughts should be in a manner that demonstrates controlling her anger and frustrations among other emotions. My being the listener will mean that I remain as calm as possible such that I can listen and hear the problem but refrain from owning the problem by agreeing, disagreeing, or advising. Conversely, my role should remain that of a listener who offers safety, understanding, and clarification. During counseling, I will place the TLC as the central tool in exercising basic fairness between the talker and me. This will be possible through offering equal opportunity for each party to be heard, speak, and develop dialogues that inclines towards offering a neutral stand to struggling relationships with the aim of improving them. References Pet07: , (Peterson, 2007), Bur95: , (Burley-Allen, 1995), Car14: , (Carbonell, 2014), Read More