Conflict in Marriage - Research Paper Example

Conflicts in marriage School Very often family identity may have a strong influence on our perception of our own individual welfare. Sometimes the idea of personal welfare must be unviable, as it would be formed in terms of the welfare of person’s family. And as every marriage has its inevitable difficulties, which arise from the differences between the partners, it becomes particularly important to do all our best while building the unity in partnership, even though it cannot be achieved without failures. Nowadays the idea of what marriage means has changed in subtle ways that undermine our ability to achieve the goals of wedlock, creating a lasting love and a firm bond of mutual support between man and woman (Waite, 2002). Marriage becomes just a form of “coupling and uncoupling” or one possible “intimate lifestyle”. Even the words “husband” and “wife” are not used as routinely as routinely as one might expect. Some researches expect that we will eventually stop thinking about marriage and lifestyle alternatives to it and will develop a view of sexually based relationship that are expressed in a variety of forms (Waite, 2002). That is why it comes particularly important to investigate the problem of marriage conflicts along with ways of preventing them. One of the most important studies in this area was conducted by Raush, Barry, Hertel & Swain (1974). It discovered that there was a great deal of consistency in marital interactive style over long periods of time; couples interactive patterns appeared to be stable. Second, it was found that many happily married couples had an interactive style that enabled them to avoid conflict almost entirely. Finally, the authors concluded that both men and women tend to avoid negative affect on their interaction with close roommates, but once negative affect is expressed, women can follow it with a number of behaviors that function to preserve relationship satisfaction, whereas men cannot (Gottman, 188). Thus, problems which occur along the marriage may be signals of where to invest energy for change and adaptation. It is possible to steam the tide of erosion by learning to handle conflict constructively (Notarius, 1994). As already was mentioned, one of the major causes of conflict is the lack of respect for the role of husband or wife plays in marriage. The nature of perceived contribution to family opulence has to be distinguished from the amount of time expended in working inside and outside. Ester Boserup has noted that women appear to fare relatively better in those societies in which women play the major role in acquiring food from outside. The role of outside earning does seem to be a strong one in creating a difference within the family. It has been noted that in the regions in which women do little outside earning sex disparities are sharper – visible even in the discriminated treatment of female children – than in regions where they have a bigger role in earning from outside (Sen, 30). The perception bias tends to relate to the size of the direct money earning rather than to the amount of time an effort expended. It was also indicated that husbands and wives differ in the areas in which they manifest what is called “emotional reserve”. Wives hold back most in “personal areas”, but husbands, in contrast, hold back most in areas concerned with work and money. An additional difference in disclosure: wives have a fairly wide support network that includes their husbands, their close female friends and their relatives, while husbands in essence disclose only to their wives (Gottman, 186). Most people who are partners in a couple have no more important goal in their lives than relationship success. Mutual accusations very often hide the desire of self-assertion, self-esteem of the spouses. In this way the demand of higher status in the family may be postulated. That is why spouses need to understand whether they can accept the personalities of each other without trying to alter them to own views and expectations. The most common myth is that in family everything should be done together, which may be contrary to the interests of the partner who wants to realize own aspirations and interests. Thus, ultimately such expectation would limit the freedom and opportunities for the development and fulfillment of both partners. Summarizing, causes of marital conflicts fall into three broad categories. The first category describes conflicts caused by unfair distribution of labor, as spouses may have different notions of rights and obligations. Another kind of conflicts is being caused by dissatisfaction of some personal needs, for instance, while the emotionally bonding of the partners, especially when one of them unnoticeably for himself violates personal boundaries of the partner. Thus a conflict gives an opportunity to have a rest from each other, making temporal distance between them. And finally there are quarrels caused by deficiencies in education. Basic methods of conflict resolution are not so difficult, though have high efficiency. And most of them should be used when everything is wonderful and no quarrel occurred yet. So these techniques must become the norm of behavior. Try to find more time for each other. Even some everyday activities are worth putting aside. It is very important for your understanding to keep in touch with each other. Ask your spouse how he spent his day, praise for success, sympathize and support if something goes wrong. But your beloved person should feel that it are not only listening, but also understanding him. Try to find out not only his positive qualities, but also to understand his weaknesses. Remember, those who are only interested in their own problems, have difficulties in communicating with people, and with his spouse most of all (Grigny, 1971). Look on problem from the opponents point of view. Each of us sees controversial issues just from own perspective. And very often conflict arises because of the fact that we attribute our problem vision to our partner, not taking into account that it can perceive an event differently. If everyone would try to put himself on the place of another person in order to understand the situation and feelings of the partner, it would help us to be more tolerant to each other. A tolerance, in its turn, will help to find the right way out and avoid conflicts. Learn to analyze your mistakes and to forgive. Never insist on the prosecution. Listen to what the spouse says, and be ready to accept that his|/her position may be right. In addition, have the courage to admit own mistakes. Anyone can make a mistake, and your spouse will appreciate your honesty and will stop arguing, even if he/she may be angry for a while. Another very important skill is the ability to forgive, as it is impossible to resolve the conflict, if both partners are not willing to forgive . It is commonly believed that relationship happiness peaks before marriage and steadily declines over time. But in fact truly happy couples do experience shifts in satisfaction, but we did not find any steady decline over time. That is all because change and adaption are important part of every successful relationship. So it has no sense just to dream about ideal marriage, as it comes to be a hard work. Nevertheless, life-long happy marriage undoubtedly worth dealing with difficulties it may face. And remember, your relationship may bring you more happiness than you think. So be happy - everything is possible! References: Gottman J.M., Levenson R.W. (1988). The social psychophysiology of marriage. In Perspectives on marital interaction, 182-200. Clevedon: Multilingual Matters Ltd, 1988. Grigny, E. (1971). What makes a successful marriage? Retrieved May 19, 2014 from http://www.pamphlets.org.au/docs/cts/england/pdf/ctsdo434.pdf Notarius C., and Markman H. (1994). We can work it out: how to solve conflicts, save your marriage, and Stregthen your love for each other. New York: Penguin. Sen, A. (1987). Gender and cooperative conflicts. Helsinki: WIDER. Waite, L., Gallagher, M. (2002) The case for marriage: why married people are happier, healthier and better off financially. New York: Random House. Read More