Effects of Unresolved Conflicts on Marital Satisfaction and Longevity at Midlife - Article Example

Effects of Unresolved Conflicts on Marital Satisfaction and Longevity at Midlife Angie Williams and John Nussbaum (2001) wrote that midlife couples were somewhere between the passivity of the majority of retired couples and the intensity of the young. (p. 228) Hence, even though they exhibit certain intensity more akin to aggressiveness in dealing with issues in their married lives, there is a tendency for them to veer away from actively engaging and acknowledging conflicts within the marriage. Midlife couples exhibit higher percentages of denial, equivocation, topic management, and noncommittal styles, combined with lower frequencies of confrontation. (p. 288) This area becomes problematic in the case of the marriage of a midlife couple essentially because it allows for unresolved issues which eventually wear down marital satisfaction and even the well-being of the married partners. These conflicts are common especially when factors such ageing emerge. Roughly forty to sixty-five years of age is also marked by familial changes such as the departure of children, death of parents, occupational transitions, among others. In America, midlife crisis has become a part of the vocabulary. This paper explores the effects of unresolved conflicts on marital satisfaction and longevity at midlife and what does this conflict look like and how might it be turned around. Ageing and its Consequences It is important to start with the changes that are common to both sexes as they age. Usually there are stages in people’s adult lives which are called the prime period when their physical strength and stamina are at their peak. This stage usually comes in the late twenties and early thirties and by the age 35 most adults begin to notice a slight decline in both strength and stamina. (Gold 1998, p. 133) One could see this in the fact that very few professional athletes still compete when they reach 35, while those few who still are playing and competing are those who play or given the “skill” position where experience counts more than the physical prowess such as speed and strength. Another aspect to be considered besides losing physical strength and stamina is that people become more prone to illnesses when they age. We have the case of Fran Tankerton, a quarterback for Minnesota Vikings, as an example. He played professional football without any record of injury until his mid-thirties. After this, he was no longer able to score long throws and hence, opted to retire when he was 39. Mark Rouch (1974) pointed out that injuries are just another characteristic of middle age, further arguing that: Our first major illness is likely to occur in middlescence. Whether it does or not, we will be confronted with the deaths of relatives or close friends. Death thus becomes more immediate than before… Combined with our natural bodily changes, [it] is a powerful force pulling us toward inwardness. (p. 122) Aging and the consequences that come with it reinforce troubles which arise in the relationship within a marriage in midlife. Particularly, we underscore death and illness as major crises that could threaten married life. In addition, married people must deal with not only their own deaths but also with the death or loss of their respective parents. A respondent to my queries elaborated that, “The most important experience was the passing of my father. It has made me realize that we are not permanent fixtures on this planet. It has made me think about everything I do and what effect it has on everyone.” This episode has extreme effect on people. The idea of ‘doing it on one’s own,’ without the familiar support of the deceased and the persistent nagging of one’s mortality could bring anxiety attacks. The Middle-Aged Spread Other physical changes that are common to both men and women are changes in appearance. “The body metabolism in both sexes changes during this period, and there is a tendency to put on weight. This tendency is so common that it has come to be called “middle-aged spread.” Women’s breasts and buttocks, which were firm and well-shaped, begin to sag.” (Grunlan, p. 247) Both men and women would eventually begin to get double and triple chins, wrinkles, facial sags as well as graying hair. Most men will experience receding hairlines and eventually baldness. The bottom line is that at this stage, there is a significant loss of physical attractiveness or what is generally associated to the sex appeal particularly to the opposite sex. The effects of such physical changes are significant in the psychological and emotional state of a midlife couple. Menopause Another offshoot of middle-age physical deterioration is the advent of the female menopause. Unfortunately, this stage in women’s life results in both physical and emotional changes. Menopause is associated with a significant decline in the production of estrogen from the ovary and as a result, there may be an increased susceptibility to non-sexually transmitted vaginal infections and that the lessened production of vaginal lubrication, which is dependent on a strong estrogen effect, makes sexual intercourse painful. (Eskin 2000, p. 55) Changes in physical responsiveness such as the increase in the sensitivity of the nipples make it unpleasant for certain degree and kind of physical contact as well. This is, one way or another, true in the case of men. As the level of their testosterone decrease, sex drive also decreases. (Balch 2006, p. 570) We highlight the fact that, as previously mentioned, physical changes affects both of the couple’s self-confidence and, indeed the psychological impact is of great significance. Women particularly seem to be more affected with the abovementioned variables. One of my resource persons, for instance, confided that “Now I find people are beginning to see me as an ‘older’ woman when it doesn’t seem all that long ago that I thought of myself as an attractive woman.” Indeed, in marriages there seems to be less satisfaction among women than in men and that they would more likely rate the relationship favorably if they have the support of friends. (Stokes 1992, p. 99) As women’s attitude towards sex become more passive as they age, conflicts with regards to expectations and beliefs about sexuality arise and that they certainly influence the marital relationship. Less Appeal Furthermore if physical attractiveness and stamina eventually become an issue to the other partner, the possibility of tension is high especially when it comes to the sexual dimension of married life which for its part is very important. At the end of the day, one or eventually both of the couple would experience a lessening of sexual drive due to the failing physical attraction and more so with regards to stamina and the lessened production of sexual hormones between the pair. Eventually, this adds up to the burdens that a married couple must contend with in their middle age. As Belkin and Goodman (1980) underscored: For many years the sexual expectations of married couple in middlescence were consistent with the myth of less sexual activity. Therefore, they were not, at least superficially, troubled by the decline in their marital sex life. But things have changed, middle-aged couples now have greater sexual expectations, but they may find themselves confused about their new roles and the “new norms” of middle-age sexuality… To some extent these new norms may be just as unrealistic as the old ones, and they may place just as many social pressures upon couples to conform to values they do not feel comfortable with. (p. 357) Grunlan pointed out that additional needs for closeness, stability, acceptance, and companionship emerge. Amid the physical and emotional turbulence that people experience at this stage, it is not surprising for marriages to fall apart especially among those who are not properly informed and counseled. But we see an opportunity here that elevates the level of relationship between a middle-aged couple from the previous relationship wherein new roles emerge. If the abovementioned factors – closeness, stability, acceptance and companionship – are nurtured, then middle age can be a positive marital experience despite the loss of physical attractiveness and sexual stamina as sources of satisfaction within the relationship. Modern Coping Mechanisms Today, women can now use medical remedies to counter some adverse effects of menopause and ageing. For example, oral, transdermal or what is called as topical estrogen therapy is employed to minimize vaginal dryness and hence, enhance sexual activity. (Mulcahy 2001, p. 136)Information regarding these methods will definitely help resolve the conflicts arising from biological changes. One has to be open-minded about seeking the help of sex therapist or a marriage counselor if problems regarding sexual dysfunction persist. According to Craven and Stojanovska (2001), many women (and men) are unaware that low sexual desire may stem from an upbringing that wrongfully considered sex or at least some aspect of it as undesirable. (p. 234) They also cited fears about pregnancy may have inhibited some women early in their sexual lives, and that they may never have learned to relax and enjoy it in their lifetimes. And so, it is very important to seek the advice of an expert in order to identify the problem and determine its roots and eventually resolve it so as to lead an enjoyable mid-life marriage. Furthermore, making an effort to create an environment that is romantic is never too inappropriate for a married couple. The fact is, they are entitled to it as much as it is necessary. It will not hurt if they would spend time alone together, without their children; going on regular holidays alone; and even stimulating their sexual fantasies. It has been proven that boredom, which is an incessant evil in a relationship, could be altered by sexual activities that definitely help to rekindle fading sexual desire. While we underscore the sexual aspect as central to marital bliss, it is more important to consider the needs both of one’s own as well as his or her partner. In many marriages a satisfactory sexual life provides a good basis for a happy marriage but in some marriages couples are very happy without a regular sexual relationship. (Craven & Stojanovska, p. 235) So, one has to consider the happiness of one’s partner: If the couple is happy without sex, then it must be the right relationship for them. A good line of communication and compromise usually makes up for sexual inactivity. Extramarital Affair As mentioned elsewhere in this paper, both men and women feel that they are losing attractiveness to the opposite sex due to some physical changes that happens during middle age. According to Grunlan, there is a tendency to want to prove that they still have sex appeal and that while it becomes common for men to have an affair, women are also prone to extramarital affairs. (p. 248) While such incidence is unfortunate, it is imperative for a spouse to understand and forgive and that would be easier if both are counseled by religion. Let us illustrate how the Bible treated adultery: In the passages, Matthew 5:31-32; 19:3-9; and Mark 10:2-12, Jesus was confronted with a trick question. Having the crowd hear him speaking of unconditional love in committed relationships, they asked him whether divorce was wrong. Jesus answered that it is a bad idea because trouble in marriage starts when one cannot forgive while acts can be healed. People thought him cornered because they argued that Moses had permitted divorce in case of adultery, so how can divorce be a good idea. His answer was, “Moses allowed you to divorce in cases of adultery because you are so blockheaded” that you cannot forgive. Adultery can be forgiven just as any other sin can be. In spirituality forgiveness plays a major role in dealing with extramarital affairs. Religion does not really ask for the moon and the stars here because, if one is informed about the dynamics of middle aged, then he or she could easily understand why such event happens. What is being counseled is open communication, understanding of one another’s needs and eventually compromise. More Responsibilities Attainment of seniority or advancement to a management position in the workplace comes with ageing as well. Unfortunately, this brings increased responsibilities at work and the departure of older and more experienced colleagues to whom one has always turned to for advice and support in times when his or her own experiences are inadequate. As an individual assumes the responsibilities, the expectation of the employer as well as his co-workers is a major source of stress that could strain the marital relationship further. This could trigger further unresolved marital conflicts which if not addressed can stretch to the breaking point of one’s ability to cope. More so with women who work, to whom there is an endless juggling act of multiple responsibilities. Today, as more and more women work, there is an increasing issue on how to balance family and work because relationship and family has always been more important for them than for men. Women must contend with a delicate stability between home and the workplace and so as responsibilities increase which come with seniority. This equilibrium being talked about is constantly threatened by factors such as change in plans, new hours of work, unexpected needs at home and even the consideration that their work will threaten their husbands. Linda Edelstein (1999) documented several studies which showed that women who chose occupational positions did not relinquish domestic roles and it is close to saying that they have a combination of mother and father roles which makes life complicated for themselves and their partners. (p. 183) Therapies To summarize the solution and therapies that could help middle-aged couples deal with conflicts in their marriage, we include medical remedies to address severe physiological changes as well as exercise can help treat anxiety and depression. Walking everyday and changing routines, for instance, such as parking farther from workplaces and stores, called lifestyle walking, are effective anti-depressants. But these are just superficial answers to midlife crisis and thus are not the solution to midlife marital conflicts. And so we have mentioned the importance of exerting effort to create an environment that enhances a relationship and in rekindling a fading romance. This gesture is a manifestation of a person’s understanding of the situation and hence, would probably lead him to a deeper solution to midlife conflicts. It is in this regard where we emphasize the role of open communication as well as harmonious intimate relationship between the parties involved, which could be enhanced by counseling; and learning how to grow old. Counseling Counseling is still one of the most effective solutions in turning around the effects of unresolved conflicts in midlife marriage. Counseling takes many forms which include professional marital counseling, lay or friendship helping, pastor-provided counseling within a congregational context as well as professional pastoral counseling. (Worthington 1999, p. 20) The differences are significant enough and understandably, a couple could expect their relationship to be strengthened by a professional counselor while they may expect this as well as an increase in spiritual intimacy with the help of a Christian counselor. One of the approaches to marriage counseling, for instance, is that one advocated by Everett Worthington which is anchored on honoring the marriage in the context of the Scriptures, where marriage is a shadow of the relationship that we are expected to have with Jesus – permanent, loving and committed. (p. 17) This was chosen since the main argument of this paper is founded on the revival of religious perspective on the subject as will be elaborated later on. Meanwhile, here, Worthington set store on achieving a healing character in relationships so as to strengthen marriages and reduce divorce. Professional marriage counselors, on the other hand, would employ clinical counseling with the aid of proven approaches and methods that could address specific issues that assails marriage. How do counselors address the variables such as ageing, sex dysfunction, work and extramarital affair? In terms of ageing, the religious and philosophical argument is for middle-aged couples to “grow older”. That means it is imperative for them to understand what is happening and eventually accept what is coming. For clinical counselors, there are sociological and psychological methodologies that designed to inculcate positive attitudes towards growing old. Some employs specific methods and some integrated methodologies that allow partners to approach issues of communication, anger, and faith, to name a few. Learning to Grow Older One has to accept that the confusion and disorientation that we experience during middle age is an important part of growing up and that accepting and working our way through the endings are part of life’s many transitions. Here we emphasize that reflecting on these transitions will lead us to acceptance of the ending of life’s chapters as well as the changes that occurred. Thomas Robb (1991) provided us an interesting explanation in this regard: When we are young, our transitions are so often marked by eagerness for the beginning that is occurring that we fail to take seriously, or deal with, the endings that are occurring… In later life, our transitions are often characterized by an intense awareness that an ending is occurring, accompanied by the assumption that no beginning is possible. [But] the transitions of life’s afternoon are more mysterious than those of the morning, and so we have tended to pass them off as the effects of physical ageing. But something deeper is going on, something as purposive in its own way as the development of social roles and interpersonal relationships in life’s first half. It involves letting go of a particular kind of self-image and style of coping with the world. (p. 69) It is easy to say that finding solution to marital conflicts, woes and other stressors is very important for a successful marriage particularly for those couples in their middle age. But the reality is another thing. One cannot discount the fact that in most marriages there are episodes where problems and difficulties arise within the relationship. In this paper it was outlined that the person you marry at twenty seven will be in some ways the same, but in other ways different by the time you reach the age of fifty. Furthermore, the initial intensity of love that one has for his or her partner during the early years of a marriage allowed him to accept or even ignore the partner’s faults. But as such intensity mellows as people age, romance fades and that there is a tendency for us to view our partners in a more realistic perspective. This is problematic in the area of expectation because a spouse eventually gets disillusioned as authors of prominent textbooks on intimate relations suggest. Miller, Perlman and Brehm (2006), for example, argued that the prototypical North American marriage occurs when people, who are flushed with romantic passion pledge to spend the rest of their lives together and that such blissful relationship is motivated to sustain the romance by idealizing their partner and initially ignoring faults. (p. 241) So what is the answer? Social Construct Eclectic research, according to Beth Hess and Elizabeth Markson, do not propose clear definition of middle age, either from a psychological or sociological point of view: For instance, there is uncertainty as to whether there are universal developmental changes that occur in middle age or that if midlife crisis is an idiosyncratic cultural or merely an individual process. (p. 57) For them, as long as the sociohistorical context of midlife – and specifying it – occurs is generally not considered, most approaches seeking to explain this stage tend to generalize a new developmental category of social age to any environment, as well to all social classes and ethnic groups. This becomes a problematic because developmental life-span perspective is hence contaminated by inattention to historical and cultural factors. This leads us to the concept that midlife events vary and fluctuate across social groupings and that the lack of consistency in midlife role transitions appears to be due to two intertwined factors: individual and societal definitions of time and finitude, and individual and societal economic and familiar resources. Fortunately this underscores the role of religion in battling midlife marital woes. Time and finitude, including feelings of futurity and mortality, are collectively defined within a given society and in turn internalized by individuals. (Hess & Markson, p. 58) And so, there are societies which reinforce or reduce pressures on individuals in terms of midlife marital relationship depending on their definitions and perspectives regarding marriage and the concepts of time, age, among others. This perspective is central in coping with a society such those of the US where liberal capitalist culture is hostile towards the concept of physical decline and has a tendency to regard health as a form of secular salvation. Hess and Markson have this to say on the matter: We need to revive existentially nourishing views of aging that address its paradoxical nature. Aging, like illness and death, reveals the most fundamental conflict of human condition: the tension between infinite ambitions, dreams, and desires on the one hand, and vulnerable, limited, decaying physical existence on the other – the tragic and ineradicable conflict between spirit and body. This paradox cannot be eliminated by the wonders of modern medicine or by positive attitudes towards growing old – hence the wisdom of traditions that consider old age both a blessing and a curse. (p. 34) Christian Marriage Courage and understanding needed to face the ambiguous reality were nourished in religious and philosophical traditions in the past which counseled resignation and transcendence. Unfortunately, the modern perspective sets store on the pleasures of consumption, the pressures of the marketplace and the promises of medicine that spirituality, contemplation and concern for virtues faded with time. Perhaps it is high time to give the spiritually-mature approach to aging another chance, where the “Christian marriage” is brought to a new revived light. In this “setup” the concepts of sustenance, support, healing and good-work not just towards each other but towards other people nurture a couple’s relationship which is considered a sacrament and something beautiful in the eyes of God. Even sex is considered an important variable here, as it is done for the love and sharing of two people. We take the example of Paul Stevens (1989) to underscore the point: My first day on the job as a carpenter pushed me off the stress scale. I could not keep up with my younger co-laborers. I banged my thumb with the hammer and while walking along some floor joists, slipped down with one leg on each side. But when I went home that night, Gail ministered to me with a good warm meal, words of encouragement and a listening ear. When we collapsed into each other’s arms that evening on the sofa, I was renewed by a spiritual grace through acceptance and companionship. (p. 19) Surely, this is inspiring. But could such beautiful relationship achieved easily or that could attitudes be trained in order to enhance relational intimacy? Spiritual Dialogue The preacher in the Old Testament told us that, “Pity the man who… has no one to help him up!” (Eccles 4:10) And so we are reminded that marriage is a partnership and not an individual undertaking. This is highlighted by religion, which for its part has been associated with social ends, such as the pursuit of relational intimacy, interpersonal connectedness, and social unity. One must take note that spiritual dialogue is now integrated in therapeutic counseling. The qualities of openness, comfort, courage, differentiation and the level of trust brought about by the spiritual experience enable not just the client but the therapists as well to successfully address marital conflicts. A characteristic of spiritual or the Christian approach to solving midlife marital dilemmas is the selflessness that comes with acknowledging God as the center of the relationship. This may seem hard for people who are used to being in control all their lives as well as the cynics and liberals who are more inclined to favor cognitive and clinical methodologies because therapies anchored on faith and religion are deemed unscientific and therefore unreliable. However, a number of counselors have noted the changes that spiritual dialogues and approaches that are integrated in their client’s midlife crisis’ therapies to be very helpful and effective. The efficacy of religious coping mechanisms as well as the Bible’s own messages on issues such as anxiety, fidelity, sex and relationships particularly increase confidence among clients which enable them to handle and strike a better balance between work and family and in dealing with stressors. The spiritual content whether between a counselor and his client or between a husband and wife will establish trust, which contributes much to any effort at training attitudes towards relational intimacy and eventually marital bliss. This is not surprising because spiritual dialogues cover the relationship between boundaries, caretaking, and Christian values of service, selflessness, and sacrifice; and that it also introduce a sense of relational justice. There are some who vouch for its efficiency and there seem to be few who are very critical. Karen Helmeke and Catherine Sori (2006) explained why this is so: Therapists often express a concern about imposing religion or spirituality on clients. As with all abuse of power issues, this can be a legitimate question. More often, however, this concern represents a lack of differentiation with religion or spirituality. Clinicians do not regard the introduction of new ideas or interventions as imposing their clinical theories on clients. Since clients are seeking help, these recommendations are offered respectfully in the context of being helpful. (p. 65) Indeed, for therapists, clinical training and spiritual paths each present a vision of health and that these visions can have a complex relationship. However, often, these two perspectives may be complementary and positively reinforce each other which result to a better understanding of health and the application of counseling interventions. One must take note of this fact, because midlife crisis and its impact in marriage may include many variables and therefore are complicated as it could be. And so counselors and therapists do use spiritual contents with their clinical experiences because these two inform each other, in effect, creating a more in-depth perception of health for human beings. Helmeke and Sori further argued that, “Clinical techniques can provide the steps to living out a spiritual value such as forgiveness. Or, a client may draw on spiritual resources to meet a clinical goal such as setting boundaries in important relationships.” (p. 58) Chris Sherrerd (2003) wrote in his book, The Christian Marriage that about 60% of middle-aged American males are indulging in chronic masturbation today. In a study, they pointed the reason for this is as the depression wherein the act appears to provide the only pleasure possible when life appears to be hopelessly joyless and that individuals feel trapped for life in an offensive life style, or where life offers little hope for true happiness. This is not entirely news for all of us. We live today in a society that is consumerist, liberal and with a rootless and commuter culture. Materialism is the cornerstone of most people’s lives and that emptiness is the logical result of such lifestyle. In consonance with what this paper has argued, Sherrerd pointed out that healing the midlife marital dilemma as well as living the a healthy life requires the completion of the inner heart healing process through totally involved repentance of every aspect of our mistakes and the full affirmation as persons through our personal relationship with God. (p. 223) Only then when factors such as forgiveness, sacrifice, understanding and harmony in relationship would follow. These are simple but not entirely generalized or abstract solution to the problem at hand. Needless to say, they are difficult to achieve. What is being required is commitment to change, learning to grow up and acknowledging that one needs help and support either from the spouse, on one’s faith and the family and friends. People are different and that this universal solution may be applied in varying degrees and efficacy but this is a solution. A deliberate choice on our part is vital here. Success in addressing midlife marital woes and issues of longevity requires us to consciously, deliberately, and persistently choose the correct basic goal of handling our inner sense of emptiness, lovelessness, and insecurity through dynamic faith in God with the help of the means available to us such as therapy, our support group, the spouse and most importantly, our own selves. 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