Success in Marriage - Case Study Example

Topic: The psychological effects of relationships of the University Topic: The psychological effects of relationships Introduction Marriage is supposed to be the merry-age. But not so for more than 50% of the married couple in America; it is the sorry-age for them. When an individual feels that his/her marriage is on the rocks the solution is not in the number of books one reads about saving the marriage. It is about how many times one reads a good book on marriage and puts the principles enunciated in them and puts into practice one by one and works on them slowly and steadily and gains something positive about staying together. It is easy to break but the building process is arduous but worth the try. John M. Gottman et al. (2000) argues, “Why is marriage so tough at times? Why do some lifelong relationships click, while others just tick away like a time bomb? And how can you prevent a marriage from going bad—or rescue one that already has?”(2) These are profound questions and no clear-cut answers can be given about a particular case. Each man, each woman, is special as such their marital issues are also special and the psychological methods to treat them need to be in tandem with the intensity and complicity of the conflict related to their relationship. Look at a wooden log, ill-formed and unattractive. But the sculptor visualizes a beautiful statue within it. He chisels the non-essential parts from it steadily and finally a beautiful statue emerges. In the married life there are two sculptors and one wooden log through which an ideal statue of marriage has to be chiseled with the joint efforts and skills of both. Success in marriage is simple to workout. Gottman (2000) expresses similar sentiments and argues, What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage. (p.3) In a happy marriage all problems need not be solved. What is important is we need know how to live life without being affected unduly with such problems. If perfect discipline and joy is not available, carry on with the available discipline and joy. One need to know how to negotiate the ship of married life through turbulence. The couple need not damage relationships on every unsolvable issue. For some issues, only time is the greatest healer. Is visit to a psychologist always necessary? When the issue of treatment is referred to, one need carry the impression that one has to visit the chamber of a psychologist to avail the treatment. Self-education and devising an own time-table is also a procedure to obtain the benefits of change. Marriage counseling availed from a third party rarely works. Maintaining private relations in a marriage is as good an exercise as maintaining public relations in a company. To maintain honor and respect about the partner solves most of the problems. How marriage-counseling paradigms can work in individual cases? Each individual is special and one’s psychological world is also special. As such there is no cut and dry formula for a successful marriage. The talk of scientific approach to marriage is all superfluous. This subtle relationship beats all mathematical calculations. In the “The Story of an Hour” by Kate Chopin, the concept of liberated woman is intelligently articulated by the author.The psychological suffering of Mrs. Louise Mallard continues throughout her life, she suffers from extreme mental agony with her unfulfilling marriage, but outwardly she never expresses her unhappiness. As such by societal considerations, they lived a happy marriage. Destiny and social restrictions play an important role in the life of Mrs. Mallard and she struggles to challenge them in her own styles and it has been a tussle of her life-time to achieve social and personal independence. Yet, from the societal point of view, it was a successful marriage. Mrs. Mallard never thought of a divorce. In the patriarchal society the women suffered with denial of freedom in all segments of life, they were emotionally blackmailed, sexually suppressed and remained subdued under the domineering attitude of their husbands and yet such women did not think of divorce. As such it is possible to live life with differences, not with inner contentment though! The best treatment to divorce is to avoid divorce. The characters of a husband and wife may be different, but there is a common linkage between them. Intelligence is no solution to the psychic ailments of an individual. Reconciliation of differences in married life demands some simple procedures. Gottman writes (2000) “Remember, working briefly on your marriage, every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.”(261)The cause of divorce is lack of understanding about the institution of marriage in the correct perspective and the best course to fix relationships is to give up a part of the so-called individual freedom by both husband and wife. Conciliation is far better than confrontation. To shun responsibilities and imagine freedom ingrained in life is like the life of a kite whose string is cut off when it will have no other course except to wander in the sky directionless and destination less. When the string of the moral and social responsibility of that kite (meaning the concerned individuals both wife and husband) is cut off, the freedom derived out of it does not allow one to enjoy what you call freedom. It will not take the couple to greater heights in life and throws them into the ocean of sorrow. The couple should not try to find an escape route and shy away from each other; instead they should challenge the problems, instead of challenging each other. Marriage is neither a “test-drive” nor a “lust-drive.” Both are responsible for the safety of the drive, and the husband and wife is eligible to occupy the driver’s seat in shifts. Scott Haltzman et al. (2007)writes “Your marriage has created a world, an environment, that encompasses the life you live…take some time to think about all the good that’s come your way because of your marriage.”(p.259)The solid support of this relationship is not sensuality, selfishness and romance-like silly issues. All these levels have their own significance. On the other hand solid trust, love, sacrifice and the attitude of total unselfishness matter much. The commitment on these counts must be deep and abiding. This sort of relationship has its own grandeur, respect and limitations, and it plays the vital role in creating a healthy and happy society. To fix relationships by psychological methods, go deeper and deeper and reach to the root cause of the issue. This is not the issue related to your life alone, because your life is linked to several familial relationships—your father and mother, brothers and sisters, the relatives and above all your precious assets, your children! The couples are an important and integral part of the society. If something happens to you, its effect reaches out to the entire society. The society is just like a sheet of cloth, and it is created by joining together of several threads. If each one cries out, “My life-My Life”, and tries to pull out one’s thread, the societal structure will be rendered to shreds and no one will be able to save it! Failure is a great teacher. Thorin Klosowski, (2013) writes about his post-divorce recollections thus: Divorce is never easy, but its one of those life events that deserve a serious postmortem examination to figure out what really happened… It might not seem that obvious at a glance, but what psychologists call attachment styles is an important thing to think about when a relationship starts to get a little rocky. Attachment styles are essentially how we handle emotional attachment… (lifehacker.com) The Relationship Counsellors generally help when the problems accelerate. Nothing substantial can be secured by the couple at that stage, as most of the damage is done and the vehicle of relationship is almost condemned. Things have fallen apart. Klosowski (2013) further argues, “Spouses need to speak in a calm and caring voice. They should learn to argue in a way that produces a solution, not just more anger. They have to practice "active listening."(lifehacker.com)This is a challenging proposition, but workable. There are possibilities of derailment even in the smooth-moving and happiest of couples. Fighting in the married life is not a pointer to the direction of divorce. To remain continually submissive is also not the index of a successful marriage. Marrying needs maintenance. The type of courtship one had has the telling effect on the duration of the marriage. When courtships are instant and brief romance is mindless, the psychological effect of it is like a short-sighted adventure attempted without thorough preparations and the chances disastrous ending are more. Evaluate your experiences during courtship and the procedures of enduring relationship. Slowdown the process of interaction during the courtship, see whether the spouse is still responsive and has patience. This is a better procedure than to endure the agony of a divorce later. Once you have entered into the wedlock, try to maintain the level of positive feelings as best as you can. Many new factors will emerge that may seem problematic, there can be confrontations with disappointment over issues, but that does not mean that the marriage is doomed. You may just need to change the thinking pattern and make some adjustments. Conclusion The relation needs to be established on a solid foundation and the life of wife and husband should be like the train that speeds on two parallel tracks. Bottom line is people should be upfront, honest, and open in a tactful, respectful, and caring way. Before marriage, do not have great aspirations and appointments relating to each other. Fixed appointments result in disappointments. Communication, listening and the processes of mutual adjustment need to be pursued with all sincerity, before the problems take the foothold in the emotional battlefront and the conflict gets hardened. The two cannot walk together, unless they are agreed. References Cited Haltzman, Scott (Author), DiGeronimo, Theresa Foy (Author) (2007). The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wifes Heart Forever: San Francisco: Jossey-Bass John M. Gottman, John M. (Author), Silver, Nan (Author) (2000). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Countrys Foremost Relationship Expert Paperback: New York: Harmony; Chopin, Kate.(2014) The Story of an Hour. New York: Harper Perennial:eBook Klosowski, Thorin. (2013)Relationship Advice I Wish Id Heard before Getting Divorced. Web: lifehacker.com/relationship-advice-i-wish-id-heard-before-getting-div-4... Read More