The Effects of Parental Conflict and Divorce on Childrens Development - Term Paper Example

The Effects of Parental Conflict and Divorce on Children’s Development In almost all modern societies of the world, marriages start out with vows of eternal devotion to one another and hopes of eternal bliss in one certain form or the other. Most newly wed couples naturally hope to live in a life of fantasy and dreamlike happiness, but the stark reality of the situation is that however well they might start off, one out of two American marriages is going to end in divorce (Divorce rate, 2011). Most divorces are bitter and complicated affairs for all parties involved, be it over the matter of financial settlement or compromises over otherwise jointly administered material. These issues are a source of great conflict and obviously have great adverse effects on the two individuals undertaking the divorce. Be that as it may however, one party that is often overlooked in these decisions are the children of the divorcing couple and the lifelong effects that a divorce may have on them. Because we live in a country and world that so glorifies freedom of choice and will, we seem to think, and probably rightly so, that we have the power to change any unpleasant situation we are involved in. When marriages turn unpleasant, as a result of conflict, whether arising from unresolved problems, disagreement over decisions regarding the future, or a simple change of heart, couples are choosing more and more to simply opt out of the marriage as a 'solution' rather than work through the drudgery and complications of searching for other solutions. What they don't realize however is that as time goes by, this freedom becomes interlinked with other people's lives and eventually, our every decision has some form of implication on someone else. In the case of a marriage, the people most affected, other than the two involved parties are of course the children. Children are the direct result of the union of two people. When that union comes to split, how does it affect a child and their sense of unified self? When the question of divorce first arises parents are likely and normally so involved in their own personal conflict and matters that they often fail to notice the effect that this critically drastic initial state is having on them. More difficult than coming to accept a decision is having to work out for your own something that you do not wish to accept or acknowledge, yet are exceedingly forced to consider a reality. Researchers claim (Amato & Keith, 1991) that it is this initial stage that is perhaps most devastating for a child, one in which they are exposed to vulnerability regarding their future, grief over the disintegration of their family, and the difficult acceptance of partially losing one of their parents. Indeed many children are not aware of their parents troubles, and the realization of divorce is one that takes them by blind surprise them. As a result this leaves them feeling angry and powerless. All these feelings have significant impact on a child's development, depending on their age at the time of the divorce. According to Wallerstein (1996), children of a preschool age, three to five, are likely to withdraw on the most recent developmental milestone they had achieved, whatever it may be. As they are too young to consciously understand or acknowledge the situation they are in, they react by consistently yearning for and desiring the parent that is no longer around them. This may lead to a certain feeling of vulnerability among them leading them to desire the security and comfort of a familiar feeling, which they may seek in a familiar toy or blanket. They may also begin wetting the bed as a result of the fear and insecurity that they feel. Slightly older children, aged six to eight, understand the absence of their parent, and instead replace them with fantasies and imaginary situations involving either that one single parent, or the hypothetically happy union of their parents. It is likely that these children, who are young enough to understand the situation, but not old enough to make sense of it, that are most greatly affected and confused by the divorce. Children aged eight to eleven exhibit the greatest emotional response to the situation, as they understand the situation well enough to respond to it, but are unlikely to understand how to deal with it. They mostly exhibit a feeling of powerlessness and grief, and tend to side with and label one each parent, one negatively, and one positively. They may feel conflicted feeling of loyalty to the each parent, and tend to seek answers the questions regarding the reason behind the situation they currently find themselves in (Wallerstein & Corbin, 1996). Children aged twelve to eighteen, adolescents, have a greater grip on the reality of the situation and can often make sense of the reasons and causes behind it. While some adolescents tend to go into depressive grief, the most prevalently negative effect is feelings of loneliness and grief, as well as disillusionment or reconsideration of present or future personal relationships. The effects of the divorce however last longer than just the initial stages and extend to further than just a child's reaction to the divorce. For example it also tends to affect a child's relationship with each parent. In the aftermath of a divorce it is likely that each parent is significantly preoccupied with their own stages of adjustment to the divorce and are unlikely to be able to offer support or understanding towards the adjusting child and the mental transitions they might be going through. This might make a child feel neglected and, as a result, choose to turn their blame and anger towards the first target in sight: the custodial parent (Wallerstein, 1989). Children might also choose to blame the parent for the absence of the other parent, whom they might tend to sympathize with considering their absence. The most dominant factor of effect after a divorce is how a child reacts to the absence of one parent in their life. The solution to this is either a joint living arrangement, where the child is 'split' among the parents, based on a certain period of days with one and then a certain period of days with the other, or by having one child live consistently with one parents, but with the other one being allowed regular visitation rights. Each arrangement has certain drawbacks and advantages on a child, with the negative effects revolving around a feeling of conflict and lack of settlement, feeling divided between two parents and two separate lives. Adjusting to these arrangements can be particularly difficult if the parents live in geographically distant locations. Why does divorce affect a child? The answer to that is that divorce exposes a child to many realities of life, physically and emotionally, in a sudden, sharp impact, giving them very little time to process it and deal with it. Divorce makes a child realize facts that many adults cannot even come to grips with, such as accepting that happiness in the future is not something that you can rely on, and that change can arise from the most unpredictable of places, including your parents, whom a child tends to idolize as the epitome of comfort and happiness. Divorce instills in children a fear of change, as everything around them suddenly changes, from the most minor of details, such as possibly a new school or new house, to more major changes, such as learning to live without one parent, or having to choose one parent over the other, in terms of living arrangements or otherwise. Divorce also tends to instill in a child the fear of abandonment. Parents are a child's sanctuary, who they consider to be the central unification element in their world and who they refer to for a sense of balance and centralization. A divorce tends to break that structure of stability, and when a child finds that something they considered so fundamental and permanent can also leave their lives, it puts them into a sense of doubt over any form of attachment they may be exposed to, as nothing seems concrete and permanent anymore ( Kelly & Emery, 1993). It leads them to a fear of abandonment when they consider how if one parent leaves their life, so can the other, and so can other varying factors in their life. It is this fear of abandonment that might lead to a fear of attachment, as a result of which, a child might choose to stay unattached to people or situations in their life, as a makeshift solution to protect themselves from possible abandonment. Divorce also exposes a child to stress, conflict and tension, whether between both parents, or themselves and a parent, as they are forced to take decisions where each choice seems like a losing option. Parents that give their child the choice of which parent to live with might feel they are giving their child a certain form of freedom but in reality, they might be putting the child in a very difficult situation (Steinman, 1981), where they have to choose one parent over the other, and thereafter deal with the guilt that arises from it and they sympathy they feel for the parent they did not choose. Of course many parents may argue that an environment of unpleasant disagreement and conflict, one that is routinely disrupted by arguments and violence are more harmful for children than a divided household that arises from a divorce. This is of course a valid argument, but provided that the environment is one that directly and physically affects a child. In a household or marriage where one of the parents is abusive towards the spouse or even the children, it is indeed beneficial to get a divorce and give the child a nurturing environment to grow up in. Sadly though, the leading causes of divorce include matters such as infidelity, lack of commitment or communication among spouses or a simple change of heart, all of which have no direct effect on a child and do not arise from a cause related to a child. Their reaction to the divorce is therefore one of confusion over why they are suddenly in situation they had very little to do with. That of course is the most ironic aspect of children and divorce. They are likely the most uninvolved party in terms of causation and are likely to be the most affect party in terms of effects. As children are in a crucial developmental process throughout their early and later stages of childhood, these effects can be devastating on a child and may follow them throughout their life, even following them into their own personal relationships and families. References Amato, P. R., & Keith, B. Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin 1991 Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resiliency perspectives. 2003 Steinman, S. The experience of children in a joint custody arrangement: A report of a study, American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1981. Wallerstein, JS. Children After Divorce: Wounds That Don’t Heal. The Psychiatric Times: Medicine and Behavior. 1989. Wallerstein, JS. Corbin SB. The Child and the Vicissitudes of Divorce. Child and Adolescent Psychiatry: A Comprehensive Textbook. Baltimore, Williams and Wilkins, 1996. Rodgers, B. Social and psychological well-being of children from divorced families – Australian research findings, Australian Psychologist, 1996 Read More