Counseling Women to Get Over Their Cheating Partner - Essay Example

? Counseling Women to Get Over Their Cheating Partner Introduction Marriage is a relationship based on trust; however more than fifty percent of the spouses cheat on their partners. According to a study by Hawkins and Fackrell (2009), 55% of marriages in the United States end because of infidelity. During the course of marriage, partners are often not honest with each other, half truths, hiding information, lies and broken promises are some form of betrayals that are a part of married life but infidelity is considered the ultimate betrayal because it shakes the very foundation on which marriage stands; trust and commitment (Fitness, 2001). It has also been observed that men cheat on their spouses more than women. Men give different reasons for infidelity; for instance some feel neglected and unappreciated by their wives while some believe that their marriage lacked spark and intimacy (Perel, 2011). Some men confessed that stressful events led them to cheat on their wives and some said that they had extramarital affairs because their friends had so (Fitness, 2001). Boredom and emotional deprivation are some other reasons men gave to justify their adulterous relationships. Sometimes men face financial problems and are reluctant to discuss them with their wives; as a result they turn to other women for solace and sympathy and end up having an affair. Besides feeling betrayed, the cheated wife feels aggrieved, confused, devastated and alone. Once the affair is discovered, the couples face two options; to forget everything and move on with their lives or to end the marriage. The women who decide to give another chance to their marriage constantly live under the fear that their husbands may have another affair. Some women seek divorce while some men leave their wives and children for the other woman. In any case, marriage comes to an end when the affair is discovered because the possibility of normal relations after this gross violation of trust becomes zero. The betrayed partner is haunted by the question “why?” and often it becomes difficult for her to go back to normal life. Under these circumstances counseling can help lower the pain experienced by the wronged partner. Different counselors suggest different ways of getting over their cheating partners. Psychological Effects of Infidelity Infidelity especially one which leads to an end to marriage leaves deep psychological scars on women. Gordon, Baucom and Snyder (2004) in their study discussed at length the impact of infidelity on the betrayed wives. Depression is also common among women who have been betrayed and may cause them to act irrationally such as enter an unhealthy relationship, seek revenge or as in most cases inflict self-harm. Suicidal thoughts in depressed women occur because they think that their lives have become meaningless and they do not have a reason to live. Women become emotionally insecure, their initial reaction of shock changes to anger, rage and disbelief and then sadness seems to engulf them. Besides feeling sad and empty, women lose interest in activities, do not care about their appearance, and feel lethargic and worthless. Experiencing changes in eating habits and sleep patterns is also common; women betrayed by their husband may experience lack of appetite or a sudden craving for food making them eat more than usual. Sleep also does not come easily to them. Betrayed women also lose faith and question the general goodness in the world. The first suggestion that counselors give women is to stop blaming themselves for what happened. The victims of broken marriages (wives) often end up blaming themselves for pushing their husbands into infidelity. This is because people strongly believe in the “good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people theory”. The victim feels ashamed and foolish for not detecting the signs of infidelity earlier and to make matters worse, the betraying husband holds the wife responsible for his reckless actions making her believe that the infidelity was all her fault. Self-blame can destroy the confidence, courage and self-esteem and self-worth in a woman. Low self-esteem can paralyze a person emotionally (Gordon, Baucom & Snyder, 2004). Techniques for Recovering Betrayal of a husband and broken marriage leaves a woman in psychological and emotional wreck as it causes emotional, spiritual and psychological damage. Betrayed women need to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence and get on with their lives; however to do so women need strong support and need to have positive feelings about themselves. Rebuilding lives after such a traumatic experience takes time and is certainly not easy; following are some techniques suggested by counselors to move forward. One way to get over a cheating husband is to reach out to friends and family (Keeran, 2010). Friends and family are the closest to a person and provide support in time of crisis. Sometimes talking to a friend or a family member a person is close to helps; it is a great way to vent out emotions without restraints. Usually in a marriage women rely too much on their husbands and when the marriage ends find themselves alone. However with the love and support of family and friends they can get the courage to move forward. Another technique to overcome the pain caused by betrayal is to join a support group. A support group comprises of betrayed spouses who are trying to overcome this traumatic experience. As they have gone through the same experience, they can discuss different strategies to overcome the pain and provide mutual support and support that helps a person move forward. Although it is difficult to disclose and share personal experiences with a group of strangers but in the long run it really helps as people unload their problems. The fact that they are among people who understand their problems and have been through similar phase in life encourages the women to open up and talk about their feelings. The members in the group who have successfully overcome the pain can help guide others to leave their past behind and plan for the future especially when young children are involved (Steffens & Rennie, 2006). Those who find it extremely difficult to carry on with their lives should consult a therapist (Fife, Weeks & Gambescia, 2007). A therapist can help a woman to see the end of her marriage as a new beginning. A therapist offers unbiased advice and can help women rebuild their confidence and discover their strengths. A therapist also helps in choosing the next course of direction and plotting the future. The suggestions of a therapist can also help the victims to transform their rage and negativity into constructive and positive feelings about themselves and the future (Fife, Weeks & Gambescia, 2007). Although therapy puts one on the path of recovery quicker, it is an expensive option and is not affordable by everyone. Focusing on the future also helps betrayed wives to leave their bitter past behind them. Concentrating on the future not only helps them to emerge from crisis but also makes them aware that life did not end with their marriage and there are many options they can explore. It helps them to become stronger, regain trust and become independent (Baucom et al, 2006). Work is also one of the best techniques that get one past an unpleasant experience in life including infidelity (Baucom et al, 2006). Women especially those are financially dependent on their husbands find it difficult to get on with life after the husband has left. At this point women need to discover their talents and options; they can either take college courses or learn and start a trade. There are many career options for work at home mothers as well. Work not only takes the mind off problems but the financial independence that comes with it gives a sense of achievement. Work has its own thrills and challenges and by overcoming those challenges, women can rebuild their confidence and start a new life. Conclusion Infidelity is considered to be the biggest form of betrayal as it goes against vow the couples take when they get married. Although infidelity is committed by both men and women; it is more common for men to have an extramarital affair. Infidelity may occur because of sexual disconnection and lack of intimacy. Lust, stress and boredom have also been cited as reasons for betrayal by men. The shocked and devastated wives feel used, humiliated and abandoned and at times hold themselves responsible for their husbands’ actions. The trauma of their husbands’ infidelity and broken marriage often leaves them hurt, confused and alone with no one to turn to. In such cases the counselors suggest that victims of infidelity should seek the love and support of their loved ones to rebuild their lives. Joining or forming a support group also helps as it consists of people who have been through or are going through the same painful experience. Therapists also help women to recover from their spouses’ betrayal but their services are expensive. Counselors also suggest that by focusing on their future and through work, betrayed women can regain their self-esteem, confidence and trust in life and move forward leaving the bitter past behind. References Baucom, D., Gordon, K., Snyder, D., Atkins, D. & Christensen, A. (2006). Treating Affair Couples: Clinical Considerations and Initial Findings. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy: An International Quarterly 20 (4), 375-392 Fife, S. T., Weeks, G. R. & Gambescia , N. (2007). The intersystems approach to treating infidelity. In Peluso, P. (ed.). Infidelity: A Practitioner's Guide to Working with Couples in Crisis, pp. 71–97, Philadelphia, PA: Routledge. Fitness, J. (2001). Betrayal, Rejection, Revenge, and Forgiveness: An Interpersonal Script Approach. In Leary, M. (ed.) Interpersonal rejection, pp. 73-103. New York: Oxford University Press. Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H. & Snyder, D. K. (2004). An Integrative Intervention for Promoting Recovery from Extramarital Affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30 (2), 213-231. Hawkins, A. J. & Fackrell, J. D. (2009). Should I Keep Trying to Work it Out? Utah: Utah Commission on Marriage. Keeran, D. (2010). Common Issues in Marriage Counseling. College of Mental Health Counseling. Retrieved October 13, 2013, from http://www.academia.edu/859634/Common_Issues_In_Marriage_Counseling Perel, E. (2011) After the Storm. Retrieved October 13, 2013, from http://www.estherperel.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/after_the_storm_perel.pdf Steffens, B. A. & Rennie, L. (2006). The Traumatic Nature of Disclosure for Wives of Sexual Addicts. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13, 247–267 Read More