Short Term Premarital Relationships - Research Paper Example

? Assignment Short term premarital relationships are a common affair in today’s day and age, however the term has taken a long time to evolve from the past and make its way into the present in most people’s lives. Being in such a relationship has both its merits as well as its demerits, and a proper insight has been provided regarding the same within this paper. Moreover, excellent examples of fiction and literature have been made use of in order to help to comprehend the impact that such a relationship might have on a person and whether or not, in the long run, it is the path to tread upon. Therefore, this paper has been written with a view to discuss why such short term premarital relationship might fail or succeed, depending upon the circumstances. Keywords: short term premarital relationships Short Term Premarital Relationships As long as time has existed so has existed the idea of marriage and matrimony; the harmonious existence of two people living with each other and spending the rest of their lives together. A couple is supposed to signify emotions of trust, loyalty as well as affection and love towards each other. According to ancient traditions all around the world, in various cultures and countries, marriages are very sacred and are considered to be a blessing from heaven. The union of two people along with their families and friends is considered to be a gift from above for the purpose of sharing love and mutual understanding. However, if one looks into the past, one can easily see that love developed among people without being given a chance; love is not an emotion that waits to happen, it just happens between people and then they need to explore it and find out whether or not the two chosen ones are good enough for each other. (Mueller, W) The problem was that in olden times, people were not given the opportunity to try and test out methods and carry out such experiments of short term relationships in order to scrutinize and understand a second person. Such a relationship was looked upon as a taboo. Divorce rates and break ups were not high at the time because of fear of being frowned upon by society. People were under pressure to be with people whom they did not want to spend the rest of their lives with as well. That is why, as more and more people began to look upon this emotion as a burden, thoughts began to become more open and people understood the need for giving time to get to know a person before jumping into an eternal bond with them in the form of marriage. In today’s world nonetheless, the concept of being with someone has changed quite a bit. Falling in love is a very easy aspect of people’s lives because of the kind of openness and broad mindedness that people have learnt to associate themselves with in the modern day and age. Being in a relationship with someone can range from being a long term to a short term process, depending on the understanding that two people are able to create for each other. It also depends on how well a person is able to adjust and absorb himself into the other’s space. Thus, the best way to understand another person is to find out his or her character and comprehend their personality in order to be able to fit into their lives. This can only be done if time is spent trying to understand someone and getting to know their likes and dislikes. For the most part therefore, couples today have begun to seek a premarital relationship which acts as a rehearsal for the main long term relationship. This involves living together as husband and wife but also knowing that in the eyes of law and on paper, they are still not bound to each other by holy matrimony. (Stahmann, R. F) Short term premarital relationships refer to live in relationship between people which last for a short period. Many people who get into such relationships are afraid of an everlasting commitment and thus are in it for a short time period. Being in such a relationship has both its pros as well as its cons, which have been further discussed within the purview of this paper. There have been a number of instances in literature where couples have opted for a short term premarital relationship in order to figure out the course of their lives before getting married to each other. Living together helps to give people an idea about what married life could tie them down to and the kind of responsibilities that they would have to shoulder. In ‘Love Story’ by Erich Segal, the two protagonists were in love with each other and decided to get married, however spent a decent amount of time being with each other and living together to be able to understand their feelings for one another. It is not easy to pin point a particular fact to gauge the success or failure of such relationships because it depends on a number of factors including the kind of situation that the couple has been thrust into. In this advanced technology age, along with the arrival of superior understanding amongst young people and the desire to live their life to the fullest has compelled many a young couples to forge their own ways at the very outset of their adulthood. Globalisation with respect to mass movement of cultural understanding among the youngsters of today has led many to believe that premarital relationships can work out if they are acted out in a mature sense. Short Term premarital relationships have longed been looked upon as the means to satisfy one’s desire and need of a partner in life. Although marriages are considered to be the most solid and compact form of ‘continued relationship’, short term relationships are now being carried out as the most sought after substitute for marriages. The reason for the change in such practice is the fast way of living youngsters have gotten accustomed to, along with the desire to satisfy one’s physical and emotional needs without any sentimental compromise, where there lays less scope of having an obligated bondage which might result out in disaffection and ultimately the loss of love. (Stahmann, R. F) Youngsters have adopted to short term marital relationships precisely because they live extremely busy and competitive lives and do not have the time to devote their energy to an entire scope of relationships which constitutes of marriage, therefore, they engage themselves to short term relationships where they can not only satisfy all their needs and wants, but they can also save themselves from the negative emotional bondages which come with a marriage proposal. [http://cache.zoominfo.com/CachedPage/?archive_id=0&page_id=-2101000010&page_url=%2f%2fwww.hslda.org%2fdocs%2fhshb%2f78%2fhshbwk7.asp&page_last_updated=11%2f27%2f2007+1%3a39%3a34+PM&firstName=Emerson&lastName=Eggerichs] Pre-Marital Counselling Pre-Marital counselling refers to the process which is designed to enhance the productivity of short term pre martial relationships by advising on the problems affected such relationships and finding a way out of such problems through therapy and other emotional streghntenging means. Nowadays there is a growing concern for counselling on pre-marital relationships. The most primary function of pre-marital counselling is the preparation where the partners are given advice and help to chart out a marital plan for the long term. This involves the process of understanding of partners as well as being open to each other for better communication. Following are the goals of pre-marital counselling: 1. Easing the transition from single to married life 2. Increasing couple stability for the short and the long term 3. Enhancing the communication skills among the couple 4. Increasing friendship and commitment to the relationship 5. Increasing couple intimacy 6. Enhancing problem solving and decision making skills All these aspects will be studied in detail by the writer. These are the core aspects which underline the counselling of pre-marital relationships. Through these aspects is the whole structure of pre-marital relationships are understood, where after the gaining understanding counselling is provided to the couple which constitutes to be involved in such relationships. One of the foremost goals of a counsellor on pre-marital relationship is to ease the transition from the single to a coupled life. Even though the couple are not married at the time of the relationship, the transition takes the same shape as it would have in case of a married life. It is the duty of the counsellor to make sure that the partners to the relationship have an easy transition from single to a pre married life. A lot rests on how smooth the transition process usually is. If the transition is not smooth then such relationships might be prone to failure and therefore there lies a huge possibility of a breakup among the partners. However, if the counsellor is sound with his understanding of emotions and has a good skill set of imparting such understanding to the partners, then in most circumstances the relationships succeeds and may also result into a fruitful marriage later on. Another point to be kept in mind by the counsellor is to increase the couple stability for the short term and the long term. Stability can only arise once the couple have started living together. The more time they spend with each other, the more understanding they gain about each other. With this understanding the couple then face the challenge of applying it for a long term. Although there are couples whose main motive is to convert the short term relationship into long term, there are certain couples who don’t desire to have a long term relationship, rather than that thought process they live their life as it comes and therefore develop a very effective and common understanding due to their spontaneous nature which then culminates to a very stable relationship if things work out the way they make them. Communication goes a long way in unearthing the pros and cons of each individual. The same is true for relationships as well. On the aspect of pre-marital relationships, it is pertinent that couples engage themselves in an open dialogue to remove any negativity from the relationships. If there is no solid communication between the couples then that might lead to instability in the relationship. A proper communication level between the partners results in the solving of problems and also allows for slight modifications and adjustments wherever required. Once the couple has entered into a pre-marital relationship, it is very important for the partners to maintain the level of commitment and love throughout the duration of the relationship. This can only be done when the couple are counselled for the importance of maintaining such commitment and the consequences if such requirements are not fulfilled. If the couple are mature enough to carry out the commitment then there is no need to counsel them, however, there is need to maintain an order of commitment so as to maintain the intensity of the relationship. If the couple falls short of keeping the commitment at the desired level, then that might lead to a failure of the relationship. The contrary is true to have a successful relationship. Intimacy and sexual desires are one of the primary requirements of any relationship. The reason why pre-marital relationships are emerging is due to the fact that youngsters look for a stable process to satisfy their sexual needs along with an intense level of intimacy. To have a stable relationship there needs to be a level of intimacy and sexual affirmation among the partners. This can only be achieved if the partners are comfortable with each other and are open to their sexuality with one another. For a relationship to have a stronghold, it is pertinent that the partners engage in intimacy with one another to prosper a healthy relationship. Even if the relationship is carried out without any purpose in the future, it is imperative that to continue and to survive in the relationship the partners have a high level of sexual intimacy. For a couple to grow in any relationship there has to be a common understanding for problem solving as well as the trust on each other with regards to decision making. Only when we have such qualities in the relationship can we call it a successful relationship. Couple need to have trust in each other to carry out the relationship for the long term. In short term relationships, it is important to develop the trust as without trust there can never exist a relationship in the first place. Whenever a problem arises in the relationship the couple should have the maturity to solve the problem and understand each other’s needs and wants so as to avoid such a problem in the future. A relationship is not only a means of satisfy one’s needs, but it also constitutes a way of life where two people come together and live as one. The couple should have the ability and the openness to make decisions for each other. In a short term relationship it becomes tough to attain such maturity for the couple out rightly. However, with proper counselling and advice the couples may be trained and taught to have trust for each other and let each other make life decisions for them. [http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1467-6427.00140/pdf] Pre-Marital Relationship: Drawbacks There have been various studies which point out that couples who have been in relationships at a pre-marital level have a higher chance of having divorce when the get married than those who have not been in such relationships. Research has indicated that couples who are in a pre-marital relationship have a tougher time sustaining the relationship than married couples. Galena Rhodes had the following observation to make: “We think that some couples who move in together without a clear commitment to marriage may wind up sliding into marriage partly because they are already cohabiting.” Scott Stanley had the following observation: “It seems wise to talk about commitment and what living together might mean for the future of the relationship before moving in together, especially because cohabiting likely makes it harder to break up compared to dating.” [http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/07/14/new-advice-on-premarital-relationships/7100.html] Understanding from the observations made by the people in the above quotes, it is fair to say that couples who have not yet gained the maturity to live as couples and start at a young age face an uphill task to carry the relationship forward and bring it to a select conclusion. There are many examples as to why a pre-marital relationship might fail. There are various theories to that effect as well. However, the primary theory remains that most of the failures are compounded due to the fact that they engage into a relationship merely to cohabitate with each other. Most of the couples have failed to realise the core essence of relationship. They only think from the perspective of having sexual relationship with each other, forgetting the fact that there lies much more than just the satisfaction of one’s physical needs. Another factor which acts as a deterrent for pre-marital relationships is the fact that couples who enter in such relationships usually are not in a strong financial condition to support each other. Due to the lack of financial resources couples tend to break free from each other. Experts tend to believe that this is a major reason why so many live in relationships have failed over time. Lack of maturity is also a drawback behind the failure of pre-marital relationships. Pre-Marital relationships suffer from the lack of understanding between the partners. It is a failure when the partners are reluctant to understand each other and not have a mature perspective and understanding about each other. [http://marriage.about.com/cs/cohabitation/a/livingtogether.htm] Couples who tend to fall in such relationships without having the prior knowledge or understanding of how a relationship works face a mighty task to uphold the spirit of the relationship. There is a very fine line of balance between couples who think they have an understanding of a relationship and couples who know that they have the knowledge and understanding of how a relationship works. Most of the times it happens that couples are too fast and hyper to engage themselves in such relationships without understanding the pros and cons of such relationships. When that happens, it is imminent that pre-marital relationship would fail. In order to make it succeed the partners have to do a lot and commit to each for the longer term. CWA in their article had the following observation to make: “Americans are turning to cohabitation as security against divorce. But in doing so, they are placing their cherished relationships in even greater jeopardy. Cohabitation is not the answer to the rising divorce rate. Understanding, communication, selflessness, and commitment to the marriage vow is.” It is clear from the above passage that couples tend to live each other for the sake of avoiding divorce and other drawbacks which arise out of marriage. However, in doing so they fail to understand that cohabitation and pre-marital relationship is not the answer to escape divorce. In fact, it is one of the major reasons as to why the pre-marital relationships have failed. Pre-Marital Relationships: Advantages Having studied the disadvantages of pre-marital relationships and why it is prone to failure, we shall now discuss where all the relationship works and can be an advantage for those who know how to apply it for their benefit. One must be willing to prepare himself for the pre-marital relationship in order has a successful stint together with their partner. However, it is not an easy task to accomplish and the couples must be open to the idea of falling out and have every consequence in their minds. Counselling to make short term pre-marital relationships have been a huge business worldwide, and it is no surprise why it happens to be. As mentioned earlier, couples who enter such relationships have less idea of how any institution of relationship works. Therefore, the couples have to be prepared to talk out with their partners and put things into the right perspective. Following are the ways where the pre-marital relationships are successful: Maturity at Early Age: This is one of the main criteria for any relationship to work, be it marriage or an open relationship. The couples need to be in sync with the idea of love and relationship with their partners and should be prepared for any calamity to happen to them. If a couple is willing to understand each other and work the relationship then pre-marital relationship may act as a boon to the whole idea of living together under the same roof. Although there are many roadblocks to the same, the couples need to know that the partners they have chosen are the right one for them and they should be prepared to work out the negativity of their relationship with each other. (Klassen, M.) Financial Capabilities: Along with having the maturity, the couples need to realise that nothing will work out for them until and unless they have enough financial backing for them to survive in the relationship. Loving each other and living in the same house is one thing, but what they need the most is money to sustain their relationship. The advantage of marriage against pre-marital relationship is that under a marriage couples are contracted mentally to earn for each other and they have this realisation at the utmost level. However, at the level of a pre-marital relationship it is tough to gain the same level of understanding. This is why couples should take advice of counsellors in order to make them realise the importance of money in the relationship. Once the couple is able to engage themselves in professions where they can earn and feed each other, then pre-marital relationship works as a solid background for the institution of marriage. (Sydsjo, G) Decision Making and Openness to Talk: Another factor which is important for a pre-marital relationship to work is the openness of the partners and the ability to make decisions for each other as mentioned earlier. (Stahmann, R. F) Couples should engage each other in conversations material to their relationship. They should also act each other’s guide and sort out their issues which plague them during the course of the relationship. The relationship would hit rock bottom if it is not carried out by care. It is the duty of the partners to make each other comfortable in the course of the relationship. More often than not breakups happen because of lack of communication between the partners. This can be solved by having a proper dialogue between each other and having the willingness to understand each other. (Stritof, S., & Stritof, B) Communication is essential in any form of relationships. When it comes to couples it is even more important as it is the foundation on which the entire relationship is based. If this foundation is altered with or broken, then that might prove disastrous for the couple. Therefore, in a pre-marital relationship the couple should have the openness and the willingness to engage each other in conversations. This is a very important criteria to meet and whenever this requirement is fulfilled the relationship becomes a successful affair. Intimacy and Commitment: Last but not the least, intimacy and commitment act as the building blocks of the relationship. It is one thing to fall in love and engage a relationship, but it is a totally different affair when it comes to lasting a relationship and growing in one to sustain the level of intimacy and love. Couples should strive to make their relationship last by developing the same level of intimacy between them which was their when their relationship started. It is important for the couple to maintain the commitment and not shy away from disclosing their secrets from their partners. The goal of any relationship should be to last long and healthy, and intimacy goes a long way in maintain this level of commitment. (Nauert, R) Intimacy is the pivot of the pre-marital relationship, and therefore along with the sexual needs and desires it needs to be in sync between the partners to foster the growth of the relationship. Commitment is the be all and end all of the relationship, therefore, intimacy coupled with sexual needs and love is what it takes for any relationship to be successful. References Mueller, W. (1989). Premarital Relationships.Northwestern Lutheran, Retrieved July 3, 2011, from http://www.christianliferesources.com/?library/view.php&articleid=735 Stahmann, R. F. (2002). Premarital Counselling.Journal of Family Therapy, 22(1), Retrieved July 2, 2011, from http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1467-6427.00140/pdf Stritof, S., & Stritof, B. Living Together: Is Cohabitation a Good Idea?. About.com Guides. Retrieved July 3, 2011, from http://marriage.about.com/cs/cohabitation/a/livingtogether.htm Sydsjo, G. (2005). Relationships in couples after failed IVF treatment: a prospective follow-up study . Oxord Journals, 20(7), Retrieved July 3, 2011, from http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/20/7/1952.short Nauert, R. (2009). New Advice on Premarital Relationships. Psychcentral.com. Retrieved from http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/07/14/new-advice-on-premarital-relationships/7100.html Klassen, M. (1981 October). Counseling for Quality: Recent Research Relevant for Premarital Counseling in the Church .Direction Journal, 10(4), 32-40. Retrieved July 3, 2011, from http://www.directionjournal.org/article/?415 Read More