Verbal Abuse in Relationships - Essay Example

Verbal Abuse in Relationships Verbal abuse is the excessive use of language to undermine a person’s dignity as well as security through humiliation or insults, in an unexpected or repeated manner. Verbal abuse can either occur in relationships between spouses or between a parent and a child. In this paper, I will discuss the various forms of verbal abuse, characteristics of verbal abuse, the effects of verbal abuse on both the adults and children, and steps the abuser can take o recover from verbal abuse. 1. Forms of verbal abuse Verbal abuse can take various forms, they include: foul or demeaning language, threats, hostile volume or tone, sarcasm and intensity of delivery whether quiet or loud (Gary 1). Foul or demeaning languages refer to using words such as idiot or stupid or swear words to cause someone to think less of him or herself. Hence language is utilized to put down the other person and acquire a psychological advantage over the abused and where the abusers hence see themselves as superior. In this case, one person demeans the other via the utilization of language. Intimidating or hostile volume, tone, or intensity of the way the message is delivered might be seen as screaming, yelling or shouting or alternately, talking quietly though intensely, with the intention of instilling fear in the other person. Typically this type of verbal abuse makes the abused to comply due to fear of self-harm, above all scaring the abused that the issues might escalate to consist of physical abuse (Gary1). Threats are meant to intimidate or scare the victim into submission. It can be of bodily harm to an individual or other family, the person’s pet or friends. Threats can also include making total lies about an individual or exposing secrets such to either cause to appear bad in another person’s eyes or humiliate them. Threats can also be towards material goods as in telling someone they will demolish something. Furthermore, threats can also be financial, hence wanting to hold an individual captive by intimating poverty (Gary2). Sarcasm is the use of humor to disguise threatening or belittling language. Hence the information is conveyed in such a way in order to provide two different messages. The external message is that the intent is levity or humor whilst the inner message is one that, threatens, demeans or belittles. Since the conveyer of the message makes use of humor to disguise the message, the conveyer will attempt to deny the deeper message when confronted, hence leaving the receiver of the message rather disarmed and not able to protect themselves against the deeper message (Gary 2). Normally the person using sarcasm disagree with the deeper message in an attempt to free himself from any bad behavior and more insidiously attempt to conclude that there is something erroneous with the receiver of the message because of their misapprehension. This obfuscation of the reality the receiver in this situation is as well a type of psychological abuse. Once the receiver of the message gets irritated adequately because of the sarcasm, the abuser who is naturally sarcastic then makes use of the receiver’s demonstrate of anger as their proof that any predicament in their relationship starts off with due to the receiver’s anger. Hence sarcasm as a form of verbal abuse is a powerful form of acquiring an advantage in a disagreement and is a powerful means to have power over another to one’s benefit (Gary 2). 2. Characteristics of Verbal Abuse According to Patricia (81), Verbal abuse has many characteristics. One of the most important characteristics of verbal abuse is unpredictability. The partner is astonished, shocked, and taken aback by their mate’s sarcasm, hurtful remarks or angry jab. Verbal abuse is extremely hurtful and normally attacks the personality and abilities of the spouse. Eventually, the spouse may start to think that something is wrong with his or her abilities. He or she may end up feeling that he is the problem, and not their spouse. Verbal abuse can be overt via name- calling and angry outbursts or covert through very subtle remarks. Overt verbal abuse is typically blaming and accusatory, and as a result confusing to the spouse. Covert verbal abuse, that is hidden aggression, is said to be even further confusing to the spouse. Its objective is to control one’s spouse without them knowing (Patricia 82). Verbal abuse is controlling and manipulative. Even reproachful remarks may be expressed in a very genuine and concerned way. However the objective is to have power over and manipulate the person. Verbal abuse is insidious. The self-esteem of the abused partner slowly reduces, usually without them realizing it. They may knowingly or unknowingly attempt to change their behavior so that they do not to displease the abuser in that relationship. Verbal abuse is the issue in the relationship and not a side issue. When couples are having a disagreement regarding a real issue, it’s possible to resolve the issue. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no exact conflict. The abuse is the issue, and this issue is not determined. Verbal abuse normally escalates, growing in frequency, variety as well as in intensity. The verbal abuse may begin with cutting remarks masked as jokes. Soon after, other types of verbal abuse might surface. At times the verbal abuse may grow into physical abuse; initially there will be “accidental" pushes, shoves, and bumps (Patricia 83). Verbal abuse conveys a double message. A difference exists between the abuser’s real feelings and the way they speak. For example, the abuser may sound very honest and sincere when he or she is telling their partner what is not right about them (Patricia 83). 3. Reasons as To Why Be Men and Women Are Verbally Abusive According to Kellie (4), research has shown that verbally abusive people abuse due to the reason that they were abused when they were children and unknowingly switched off their ability to experience emotional pain inside themselves and also for others. Since they lack empathy for the pain of their victim, it permits them to go on abusing without considering one bit about the feelings of their victim. It is well known that a number of verbally abusive people suffer from a mental disorder; however, the percentage of abusers who have mental disorders is the similar to the population of the non-abuser. Abusive spouses may be suffering from various forms of mental illnesses that cause a person to be aggressive such as borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. Still, the abuser’s mental illness does not eliminate the danger towards the victim, and the occurrence of a mental illness should not hinder the abused from deciding to let go of the relationship. A verbal abuser might have suffered a stroke or a brain injury. Any of which could trigger aggression, anger or violence in him or her. But, if this was the case, he would have shown violent tendencies when the relationship began. They could not knowingly woo their victims at first and after that change to aggressive behavior when suitable; like abusive people do. Another reason is that abusers verbally abuse is because they have learnt at some point in time that control and coercion work to their advantage (Kellie 4). 4. Signs that a child is suffering from verbal abuse The most common signs that a child is suffering from verbal abuse is the child having a negative self-image. The child may utter things like, "Nobody likes me" or "Im stupid." Or he or she may simply appear depressed, sullen, or withdrawn all of which can be an indication of a low self-image. Another sign is when a child does self-destructive acts to himself. For instance, by using knives or razor blades to cut his own skin as well as all kinds of self-injury signal a problem, just like the other reckless activities that put a child’s life in danger. The child may as well show signs of antisocial behavior. The New Hampshire study, according to Benj (5), found that children who are verbally abused display higher rates of physical violence, delinquency, as well as interpersonal problems. The child may beat other children, quarrel with his fellow classmates repeatedly, or be cruel to animals. Delayed development is also another sign. The slowdown may become visible in a childs emotional, physical, social, or academic development. The child may encounter difficulties in making friends, participate in regressive acts for instance bed-wetting, thumb-sucking and rocking, or fall behind in school (Benja 5). 5. Effects of verbal abuse According to Patricia (6), the verbal abuse effects on a person are primarily qualitative. That is, they are not visible compared to the effects of physical abuse. Physical sign of injuries, broken bones, bruises or black eye are not present in verbal abuse. The intensity of pain which the abused suffers establishes the degree of the injury. There are numerous effects of verbal abuse on adults as well as children. Verbal abuse victims may experience dissociative disorders. Dissociative disorders can involve the behavior, memory, personality, or a mixture of all three. By dissociative disorders, the verbally abused person blocks hurtful and painful occurrences as a mechanism to cope with the situation and is capable of suffering selective amnesia. Individuals that have signs of dissociative disorders due to verbal abuse, usually develop this characteristic in an effort to flee feelings. This disorder can be seen as a way that the brain shields itself (Hill 6). The most common lasting consequences of verbal abuse are anxiety as well as depression, which in addition it opens the door to new symptoms for instance; anger issues, mood disorders, and self-critical tendencies. All of the different types of verbal abuse cut to the central part of ones life form and instigate feelings of being loathed, undeserving and insignificance. These feelings provide a quick ramp to anxiety and depression afterwards in life. After frequently hearing negative remarks and insults, both adults and children start to believe in what they have heard (Hill 6). Those persons who are verbal abuse victims are also suspected of developing personalities in them believed to be hostile or unstable, as well as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders (OCD), paranoia and other various social problems. The most terrible outcome, due to an individual being verbally abused continuous, is when the abused is not able to handle the disorders, anxieties, depression, paranoia as well as other psychiatric disorders anymore and attempts to or commits suicide. People on the outside, in many cases, are oblivious to the present issues as the abused may not talk about painful memories or past problems. Relatives, friends, and colleagues may accept this individual with his unique traits and acknowledge "thats simply the way he or she is," when in reality, behind this different and frequently difficult persona, rests the heartbreaking history of a person who is verbally abuse (Hill 6). The temporary of verbal abuse effects on a child are; depression, poor physical and mental performance and inferiority complex. Yelling as well as demoralizing a child causes him to connect all occurrences to a negative outcome and thus the child ends up feeling depressed. Among several other things, the child is very likely to assume he is inferior to his acquaintances (Vinesh 7). Children need confidence to perform at their best potential (Vinesh 7). For instance, if a parent encourages their a child in whatever the child is doing- be it in sports, academics or other activities- then the child would automatically imagine success and bearing in mind that there would be no alternate options or doubts in the child’s mind, he or she is likely to do his best not considering the outcome. However, if a child is told that he or she has got to be faster, or they do not have it in them then at that point, the child is primarily nervous since a bad result has been predicted for him. At that moment, the child may decide impulsively to be defeated to prove his parent correct given that it is the suggested result thus a possibility in the child’s mind. Therefore, it’s evident that verbally abused children lack confidence, hence, poor physical and mental performance Inferiority complex means that the child being shouted at directly believes that there has got to be something wrong with him or her and hence puts himself or herself below their friends and believes that he or she is inferior to them. Since it has been implied to him or her via demoralizing or comparison that he or she is not up to the mark and this means that another person is up to the mark and thus it makes the child submissive too. The long term of verbal abuse effects in children include: being susceptible to addictions health disorders, and low confidence and dominance. The verbally abused child becomes vulnerable to addictions. Several studies have linked depression to drug abuse plus it is not hard to understand this as there is simply nothing that holds back a low confidence or a depressed person from getting into alcohol and drugs (Vinesh 7). 6. Recovering from verbal abuse According to Patricia (5), the first step a person should take to recover from verbal abuse is to stay away from the abuser and also people who try to define him or her. The abused should learn how to monitor his thoughts given that everyone is in charge of their thoughts. The person should avoid negative thoughts about him or herself. The abused should not blame himself for not making the relationship work. He or she should know that no one can fix the abuser. An abuser is damaged and only the abuser can fix him or herself through extensive therapy. He should gather all the information they can about verbal abuse and controlling behavior so that they are able to recognize anyone’s attempt to define them in any way (Patricia 5). Developing self esteem and confidence is a very crucial towards recovery. A positive attitude and even the smallest success can increase a person’s self esteem. They should also try to find support by talking to only those people they can trust about what they are going through or have gone through. He or she should not expect everyone to understand since many people do not understand. He or she should not look back. He should remind himself to stay in the present and plan for the future. Conclusion Verbal abuse makes up psychological violence. Verbal abuse is detrimental to the spirit. It takes the happiness and energy out of life. Parents use verbal abuse to have power over their children, or to feel superior and mask their own failures and inadequacies. Verbal abusers often seek to detach their spouses, blocking or cutting off their relationships with family and friends. At times, the abuser works to persuade the victim that the abuser is the only one who is really concerned about or really likes the victim. In some instances, the abuser may own up to his or her actions and accept to stop. Naturally, however, the behavior starts all over again within a short period of time. Relationship abuse normally involves a pattern of abusive occurrences. With the exception of in rare cases, a single incident usually does not amount to abuse. In its place, there is normally a pattern of a recurring destructive behavior that grows rapidly after a while. Abusive relationships also entail the use of control and power. The goal of the abusers is to ensure that they are in total control of their victims as well as the relationship. Their controlling approaches may be subtle and not easily recognized. It may look as if them taking control of the victim’s time, buddies, and daily activities is a sign of caring as well as wanting no more than the best for their victims. As time goes by, the control the abused once had over his or her life disappears. Slowly using a wide range of tactics, the abuser was able to render the victim completely powerless and then place themselves in total control of the relationship they have with the victim. Verbal abuse can be exceedingly painful as well as damaging and its effects are long lasting. Verbal abuse can be named a ‘Silent Killer.’ Verbal abuse is designed to make the victim feel powerless. The aim of verbal abuse is often to demonstrate defamatory, offensive, disparaging, scornful slanderous and rude. Its intention usually is often to degrade a person’s soul and mind to such a point that person is left without the ability to retaliate. Works Cited Benj Vardigan. Yelling at Children (Verbal Abuse). Healthday.com. Web 26 March 2014 Gary Direnfeld. Verbal Abuse. Yoursocialworker.com. Web 26 March 2014. Jay Grady. Verbal Abuse. Godswordtowomen.org. Web 26 March 2014. Kellie, Holly. Verbally Abusive Men and Women: Why Do They Abuse? Healthyplace.com, 30 July 2012. Web 26 March 2014. Kerby Anderson. Verbal Abuse: A Biblical Perspective. Probe.org. Web 26 March 2014. Patricia Evans. (1996). The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation. Patricia Evans. (2001). Victory Over Verbal Abuse. . Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation. Patricia Hill. Effects of Long-Term Verbal Abuse. Ehow.com Web 26 March 2014. Vinesh Panditpotra. Child Abuse - Verbal Abuse - The Short and Long Term Effects. Ezinearticles.com, August 18, 2009. Web 26 March 2014. Read More