The Verbally Abusive Man by Patricia Evans - Book Report/Review Example

The Verbally Abusive Man by Patricia Evans Order No. 373412 February ‘10 The Verbally Abusive Man by Patricia Evans Introduction The Verbally Abusive Man is a book by Patricia Evans, an acclaimed communication specialist, public speaker and the author of several bestselling books on verbal abuse. In this book she carries forward her thoughts of her previous work, The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Controlling People. She does more than identifying verbally abusive behaviors and outlines a course of action to be adopted by both the victim and the abuser. In the book, she poses the question,” Can a verbally abusive man really change?” According to her getting a man to admit that he has verbally abused someone is difficult. But getting him to change is even more difficult. Here she provides us with tools; one can use to determine if a partner is likely to change and if he is willing, a course of action to help him change. She opposes verbal abuse of all kinds and the male-dominated society that allows such abuse. She is also against unqualified therapists. This book is very useful for people who have suffered verbal abuse in a relationship and are struggling to survive in such a relationship. What is verbal abuse? To understand the book better one needs to know what verbal abuse is. Abuses perpetrated by persons are of various kinds and can range from verbal, emotional, physical to sexual abuse. According to Straus, 1979 it is “the use of verbal and nonverbal acts which symbolically hurt the other or the use of threats to hurt the other". Verbal abuse is one kind of beating or rough treatment that does not leave evidence like physical abuse. Pamela Johnson and Julie Indvik (2006) while discussing verbal abuse write, “COPYRIGHT 2007 The DreamCatchers Group, LLC. This material is published under license from the publisher through ProQuest Information and Learning Company, Ann Arbor, Michigan. All inquiries regarding rights should be directed to ProQuest Information and Learning Company. (Hide copyright information) Verbal abuse is intended to cause distress to the target. Verbal abuse is overt or subtle verbalizations ranging from profanity and openly hostile remarks about competency to double-edged comments, gossip and rumors”. But this can be as painful as physical abuse and recovery can take more time. Patricia Evans gives a clear definition of this in her book. She says, “The verbally abusive man often has an ‘inside’ self and an ‘outside’ self. He shows one self to the world. This is the persona or image that he made up from the outside in. It is his outside self”. She further says, “Verbal abuse defines people in some negative way, and it creates emotional pain and mental anguish when it occurs in a relationship …. Another common way the abuser defines his partner is by walking away when she is asking a question, or mentioning something, or even in the middle of a conversation. By withholding a response, he defines her as nonexistent” (Patricia Evans). Describing a verbal abuser, Patricia Evans in another book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, says that a verbal abuser is an immature and an insecure person who wants power and control over another person. Again according to Evans verbal abuse may take the form of withholding, countering one’s ideas and feelings, discounting what one holds dear, accusing and blaming, criticizing, trivializing and making light of the other person’s work, calling names, ordering and verbal threats. Verbal abuse is an important form of abuse and according to Follingstad, Rutledge, Berg, Hause, & Polek (1990), “many women report that it is as harmful as or worse than physical abuse they suffer “ Theme and arguments in the book According to Patricia Evans abusive men pose as good men while they are wooing their victims to marrying them. And once an abusive man gets his victim to have a relationship with him, he soon begins to show his true abusive nature. Here she gives the example of an outwardly happily married couple. Soon after they are married, the man purchases a life insurance policy of a million dollars on himself. He believes that no sane woman will leave a man who has a million dollar life insurance policy. Once he has surprised his wife with this, his behavior reverts to his true abusive nature. Again according to Patricia Evans, verbal abuse is irrational and hence using a rational argument to defend oneself from verbal abuse is not an effective response against verbal abuse. In Evan’s words, “Realizing that verbal abuse is not rational, it becomes clear that the man indulging in it cant hear a rational response from his partner. But it is difficult for the partner not to respond with a rational explanation”. One of the important points she makes in the book is to not try and respond to verbal abuse with logic. Most importantly, she argues you that a transformation is possible when provided with the right circumstances. Patricia Evans further says that it is possible to determine whether the abuser has really changed, and if one finds he has not changed Evans helps that person to decide whether it is time to leave the relationship and if the time has come, what one should do. Here it should be noted that many abused women choose to stay with the abusive man for various reasons, economic and social constraints, being one of them. Another explanation given by Dutton & Painter (1981) focuses on the woman’s psychological dependence on her abuser such that whenever she moves toward separation from him she experiences distress at the prospect of losing this important relationship”. Evans in her book shows why and how to leave a relationship. Lessons to be learnt from the book Patricia Evans uses stories of abusive men and abused women and abusive men taken from her own case studies to provide tools necessary for transforming a relationship. She combines the latest clinical research and some practical applications to help us to empower ourselves and change our life for the better by bringing a change in our relationships. As mentioned earlier one important point one learns from this book, is that one should not use logic to respond to verbal abuse. This book provides hope to an abused person who continues to have a relationship with the verbal abuser. It offers hope of change for the better. . It provides specific steps to be taken to bring about this change. The book is worth its price as it provides us with two key ideas that can prove to be useful. One is that it defines verbal abuse so that one can recognize it easily when it happens. Second it teaches us not to respond to verbal abuse logically. According to her verbal abuse is not something you can do away with reasoning The book is refreshing in that the writer does not blame the abused one for being abused. Instead she helps you understand what is happening and to equip yourself to respond effectively to the situation. The book provides the reader guidelines to find out whether the abuser is likely to go back to being a loving partner. Patricia Evans uses the book as a platform to lecture against unqualified therapists. This can prove to be useful to therapists as the book can be used as an important source of information by them. Patricia Evans, herself has to say this about her book: This book “shows the reader exactly what to do to wake up a person who indulges in verbal abuse …… This book helps to sort it all out and is ideal for partners of people who indulge in verbal abuse, and likewise is ideal for people who want to stop being verbally abusive”. This is very important as verbal abuse may lead to domestic violence. According to Maiuro, Roland D.; OLeary, K. Daniel (2000), “Psychological abuse does not always lead to physical abuse, but physical abuse in domestic relationships is nearly always preceded and accompanied by psychological abuse”. In conclusion it can be said the book is of great help to people who want to evaluate their relationship and helps them to differentiate between what is abuse and what is not. The book uses simple, uncomplicated language to provide us with innumerous helpful solutions. As Sondra Eklund (2009) rightly says, “This is truly a wonderful, helpful, and healing book”. References 1. Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1981), Traumatic bonding: The development of emotional attachments in battered women and other relationships of intermittent abuse, Victimology: An International Journal, 6, 139-155. 2. Eklund Sondra (2009), Sonderbooks Book Review, http://www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/verbally_abusive_man.html 3. Evans Patricia, The Verbally Abusive Man, Adams Media Corporation 4. Evans Patricia, About my books, http://www.verbalabuse.com/indexmain.shtml 5. Follingstad, D. R., Rutledge, L. L., Berg. B. J., Hause, E. S., & Polek, D. S. (1990), The role of emotional abuse in physically abusive relationships, Journal of Family Violence, 5, 107-120. 6. Johnson, Pamela R; Indvik, Julie (2006), Sticks and stones : Verbal abuse in the workplace, COPYRIGHT 2007 The DreamCatchers Group, LLC. This material is published under license from the publisher through ProQuest Information and Learning Company, Ann Arbor, Michigan. All inquiries regarding rights should be directed to ProQuest Information and Learning Company. (Hide copyright information) Journal of Organizational Culture, Communications and Conflict, January 1, 2006 7. Maiuro, Roland D.; OLeary, K. Daniel (2000), Psychological Abuse in Violent Domestic Relations. New York: Springer Publishing Company. p.197 8. Straus, M. A. (1979), Measuring interfamily conflict and violence: The Conflict Tactics (CT) Scales, Journal of Marriage and the Family, 41, 75-88. Read More