Interpersonal Communication: Verbal Abuse - Research Paper Example

Verbal Abuse Important lesson about Verbal Abuse Verbal abuse is a term is used synonymously with the word revile. It is described as a statement told to a victim in order to negatively define them and make them feel inferior. When a person withholds a response which will make a victim feel non-existent, then that would be an act of verbal abuse. This can happen in school with children in the form of bullying. A bully child will say words to another victim child to make them feel superior to the victim. It happens also in relationships. Married couples can separate themselves from their companions when wronged to make the offender irritated. They may also use offensive words to get back at the offender. (Patricia 191). A parent may also verbally abuse their children by calling them demeaning names. This changes how children think of themselves and their parents. They develop a boundary and fear creeps in whenever they are with the verbal abusive parent. Verbal abuse underlies all other forms of abuse because it can be manipulated to mean something different. It is also difficult to prove that the verbal abuser did really abuse the victim because there would not be, in many cases, any evidence about the abuse. Examples of verbal abusive statements include: ‘I can’t believe I married such a stupid man.’ ‘You are as dumb as your mother.’ ‘Look at her; one would think she is ugly when she concentrates.’ (Suzette 101) Different people experience verbal abuse every other day. This means that verbal abuse can affect anyone. In a family setting or in a relationship, abuse may increase with time unless it is addressed. This can lead to relationship breakdown and even divorce in marriages. Verbal abuse can affect the victim health wise. The victim will be traumatized with time and develop clinical stress which eventually lead to serious illness. The psychological effects may include, anxiety and constant fear of the abuser, disorders in memory, problem of lack of sleep and eating problems, anger management issues, engagement in alcohol and drug abuse, or even thoughts of suicide. The victim may also develop problems in effective communication. They may develop problems of self-esteem and may end accepting they are what the abuser says they are. To a child victim, verbal abuse will affect him/her for the rest of their lives because it will make them feel inferior to the abuser. They may develop psychological disorders that may worsen as they grow up. The child may engage in substance abuse which mainly affects the boy child. They may get physically aggressive with time to counter the abuse. Social problems will also creep into their life as they may develop self-esteem problems. Children who are verbally abused by their parents may feel not loved by their parents. This may lead to mistrust in the parent- child relationship. Parents who keep on telling their children that they are dumb or stupid may make them grow up believing that they are really stupid or dumb. These effects summed up shows that verbal abuse may seriously affect a person’s life and may be more dangerous than any other forms of abuse. (Patricia 193) Aspects of verbal abuse that people should understand Verbal abuse has been present in different communities for a very long time. It has not been taken as a serious problem but sensitization different professionals and authors have made people aware of its magnitude. This has helped in the fight against verbal abuse stigmatization and psychological breakdown. Organizations have also come out to help the victims of verbal abuse by providing venues where victims are counseled. There are victims who, although they are verbally being abuse, continue to stick in a relationship. This long time endurance of verbal abuse does stigmatize the victim. It would not be advisable to remain a relationship where your partner has developed and stacked to verbal abuse. The victim will tend to accept that he/she is inferior to his/her partner and that relationship will be one way. The victim will be abused continuously as long as the relationship is on. (McLeod 67) These organizations should sensitize those victims on the importance of leaving a relationship if the situation cannot change to avoid further abuse. This will only be made possible by clearly stating the effects of long term verbal abuse to victims’ health and well-being. This has been made successful in some cases but has not been exploited entirely. Verbal abuse is concentrated mainly in remote areas where people are not well educated. The urban areas have well been educated and know when they are verbally abused. Lesson learnt about my own communication behavior Verbal abuse, as stated earlier can be experienced by anyone. It is very difficult for anyone to claim with confidence that they have not, in one way or another, be involved in verbal abuse. On a more personal level, I have been involved in this kind of abuse. I have been involved both as a victim and an abuser. This has happened to me severally but one case I remember clearly was when I was in high school. It was a sunny Friday afternoon. We were in class and about to wind up the last lesson of that week. As the school games prefect, I was supposed to pick up games kits for the school football team from the games store as there was going to be a football tournament the following day. I had to wait for this lesson to end for me to head to the store. It was a history lesson and the teacher was a lady. She was so boring that half of our class was dozing off. I was so eager for this class to end so that we could start the weekend. I was now peeping through the window and did not concentrate on what she was saying. My mind was floating in wonderland. Suddenly, I was brought back to class by her shout. She told me that I was day dreaming. She asked me to stand up and walk out of her class and I should not come back to her class. I stood up and started walking towards the class door thinking way she had only spotted me while half the class was asleep at the moment she shout. I asked her if I was the only person she had seen on the wrong only to realize that I had said this in a verbally abusive tone. She did not realize it and told me that she was in the process of spotting other students. She said this in an abusive tone too. I did not speak any other word. I walked out of the class. This experience came to my mind after completion of this research paper. This research has come in handy in educating me about verbal abuse. I did not know what verbal abuse was at the beginning. In my mind, it was just a general abuse. It has taught me so much about ways in which we verbally abuse people or we are abused. The different techniques that are used to defend oneself against this type of abuse have been my turning point. Specifically, I would say the verbal aikido has become my favorite. The principles of Suzette on how to know a person is verbally abusive has also caught my attention in a big way. (Suzette 114-115). All these will help me join other people in the fight against verbal abuse. I was not aware that verbal abuse could cause so much destruction in one’s life, more than other types of abuses. This research has been a big educator. Communication advice that experts give about dealing with a verbally abusive people Experts have come up with different ways of defending oneself from the different types of verbal abuse. They call this process self-verbal defense. This has to do with everything including a person refusing to tell the abuser what they want to know and in the process cut off the abusive nature of the person or the person may just refuse to engage verbally with the person trying to manipulate them and in this way end the conversation. This is important in dealing with the abuse which will stop them from their abuses. For instance, Suzette Hagen came up with four principles to fight verbal abuse: 1 Know that you are under attack. 2 Know what kind of attack you are facing. 3 Know how to make your defense fit the attack. 4 Know how to follow through. The first principle creates awareness of verbal abuse. Most people who are verbally abuse do not know that they have been verbally abused. They may not take the situation in a very serious way. They also tend to blame themselves for the situation or, in worse cases, not understand themselves. They may feel miserable and not understand why they feel this way. According to Suzette, the tone used in a verbal conversation, or in this case, violence, will tell exactly if the person is verbally abusive or not. (Suzette 95) The second principle takes up from the first principles and work hand in hand with the third principle. Suzette categorizes verbal abuse into different language behavior modes which she explains should be dealt with in a different way from the other. When one use a defense in a right condition of abuse, then dealing with this abuse will be more effective. She creates rules to use and deal with those abuses. Principle number four comes with its problems in that in most cases, victims of verbal abuse do not want to involve themselves in the verbal abuse. This will let the abuser get away with this abuse. Women victims normally feel guilty of defending themselves against verbal abusers. The victims have these two barriers in mind. They always have the notion that confronting the verbal abuser will make them even more aggressive and will further abuse them verbally. (Suzette 105) She uses what she refers to as Miller’s law: ‘In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to imagine what it could be true of.’(George Miller 1980). This law explains that a person being verbally abuse should try to assume that what the abuser is saying is true and how it would be if it were true. In many cases, victim will concentrate on the statements being false and ask themselves why that person said that. This will bring about communication breakdown and worsen the situation. She also comes up with techniques of dealing with verbal abuse which include: use of sensory mode, use of satire mode and recognizing and responding to verbal attack patterns of English. (Suzette 115). Other professionals and authors have come up with different forms of verbal defense. They include avoidance of scenarios that may lead to verbal violence, withdrawal from an argument by making an excuse and exiting from it, change of topic in order to deflect the course of discussion that would lead to a verbal argument and compromise of ideas to offer solution that would ease the thoughts of the aggressive person. An approach known as verbal aikido has also been used. This is a communication technique based n martial arts. It has been used in martial arts practicing countries. It tries to treat the abuser as a partner rather than an enemy. This helps bring the two parties together and resolve the problem. All these tactics and techniques have greatly help in verbal abuse management when use in the right manner. (Archer 103) There have been differences in several techniques of self-verbal defense among the different authors and professionals. These differences have not hindered the experts in providing solutions for verbal abuse. There are victims who, although they are verbally being abuse, continue to stick in a relationship. This long time endurance of verbal abuse does stigmatize the victim. It would not be advisable to remain a relationship where your partner has developed and stacked to verbal abuse. The victim will tend to accept that he/she is inferior to his/her partner and that relationship will be one way. The victim will be abused continuously as long as the relationship is on. (McLeod 67) Relationship between Verbal Abuse and what has been Learnt Setting boundary and use of I and U language are concepts that helps one protect one’s self. These are concept that has been used to protect victims of Verbal abuse, which has been a big concern to many people. These two have been viewed as a problem (verbal abuse) and it solutions (setting boundary and use of I and U language). People should learn to express their feelings when, for example, they are disappointed by someone’s words or actions. They should come out to defend and protect themselves from verbal abuse using these concepts Works Cited 1 Elgin, Suzette Haden. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-defense. Dorset: Dorset Pr., 1980. Print. 2 Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Expanded 3rd ed. Avon, Mass.: Adams Media ;, 2010. Print. 3 Archer, Luke A. Verbal Aikido: The Art of Directing Verbal Attacks to a Balanced Outcome. Lyon, France: Betterfly Publications, 2013. Print. pp. 101–106. 4 Bosch, Kathy Renee. When Words Are Used as Weapons the Signs of Verbal Abuse. Lincoln, Neb.: U of Nebraska, Cooperative Extension, 2004. Print. Extension 5 www.patriciaevans.com 6 www.stopfamilyviolence.org Read More