Structure and Transition of Paragraphs and Sentence Construction - Essay Example

A thesis paper should be started with a little bit of background about the era which is being mentioned here; in this case it should include the kind of life the women lived during those days. At the outset you could mention how the women were confined to their homes with very little education. They were not brought up to be career women like today’s women. Their main source to become successful and financially independent was to latch on to a successful man. This was a sure shot to get a secure future and so some overly ambitious women did not think twice before using unfair means to get there. I think this should take care of your introduction. Now, you must get onto developing your main idea which you have done well, I am talking about your opening paragraph. In fact your opening line is very effective. You could add a little more descriptive over here. Probably you could put in a little background of the story in this paragraph because you are presuming the reader knows everything about the text but actually you must think the reader needs to be told about it. This will help build up your thesis well and you will be able to expand your writing as well. When you talk about women disrupting men’s lives due to their scheming nature you may write about a few instances from other works, which your teacher must have referred to in class while teaching. References to instances from other simila works adds to your paper. You seem to have sound knowledge about your text because the way you put your points forth is great, you just need to talk about each idea a little more in detail. For example in your second paragraph you have mentioned just one particular incident and how Candide’s hardships begin. Here you may write in a little detailed manner about the relationship shared between Candide and Miss Cunegonde and the situation which led to the kiss Your paragraph three is mainly a quote, here you may add a little bit of your reflection, what you think about the whole episode, you may even take a side and develop your points on the basis of the stand you have taken. Paragraphs could be made a little more cohesive and interwoven, at times your paragraph comprises of just a quote that can be avoided. Do try to add your own reflection/judgment on the quotes, which are great if aptly used. Your paragraph transitions are pretty ok but you need to put in your judgment for every episode so that your thesis will appear cohesive and well stretched out rather than expanded just for the heck of it. Probably you must have read / discussed some other works in class on similar lines do remember to draw comparisons as that will display a far greater understanding on your part. Your conclusion seems to be pretty much the same as you had started with, so probably your conclusion should contain a sort of wrap up of the thesis. You may stress on the fact that men were absolutely vulnerable and did not learn from past mistakes. Bring out the weakness in their characters, you can show the strength of a woman’s character here, you may refer to Plutarch . Your sentence structure is fine, you have basically used simple sentences which convey the meaning clearly you need to be a little careful with your vocabulary though for E.G. “ejected” is used more thrusting something out in this case “expelled” is more appropriate .You need to be a little careful with your grammar , I think more with the use of prepositions. While writing a thesis in Literature you actually need to include a lot of your own judgment rather than just incidents from the book. This will help you in expanding your answer to the desired level. To sum it up I would say that you need to concentrate more on developing your ideas in greater detail. Your introduction and conclusion need to more powerful and of course you need stronger vocabulary and grammar base. Assignment 2 You could begin with about 4-5 sentences on how computers are a boon for mankind. In paragraph 1 you can say how the world has turned around because of computers. Now since the essay is basically about how it may cause problems in education you can begin by saying ,how reading books is becoming passé and youngsters no longer browse through books in a learning resource centre. All they do is browse through websites for gaining additional knowledge. The argument you have written about virtual/on line classes is excellent .Your paragraphs need to be little more reflective .I mean that you state your facts accurately but you need to add a little judgment of your own, talk about the adverse effects on generations to come. You basically need to focus on your grammar and vocabulary. At times your arguments which are very good do not convey the meaning effectively because of limited use of vocabulary and grammar. I will quote an example from your essay “As they became less active, so they are not physically fit as other of the same age few decades before.” In this case you can see you have mixed up the tenses. There are many other instances of this sort in your paper you can go through,you will find them yourself. Most of the views you have mentioned are too brief. You need to expand your views; mind you your arguments are very good it is just the way you have presented needs to be worked on. Please go through your essay and check the grammar. Your content matter is very good; you must talk in detail about each aspect that you talk about. Generally you mention your ideas in one sentence .Please express yourself in greater detail, use examples to lengthen your assignment. Structure and transition of paragraphs seem fine .The conclusion needs improvement though .You need to sum all the problems you have mentioned in your essay and then give your own views /judgment. Again your grammar needs to be worked on. To quote from your essay, “There is a prediction of no colleges, universities and no more schools in the next century”. This sentence construction needs improvement. So to conclude - You need to work on a little more detailing which I have mentioned for both your assignments. Remember you generally mention certain facts and aspects from your reading book or paper, you need to give a little bit of your own views .It would help in two ways – a. It would lengthen your assignment. b. It would make paragraph transitions easy. c. Do take care of the prepositions you use. d. Pay extra attention to grammar. All the best with your assignments. Read More