Parenting Example in Literature: The Case of J. S. Foer's - Research Paper Example

?Parenting in Context to English Literature: Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close tells the story of Oskar Schell, a nine-year-old boy who is attempting to deal with the recent loss of his father, Thomas Schell. For an entire year after his father’s death, Oskar couldn’t bear going into his father’s room because it was too painful. Finally, since he already had “heavy boots” (Oskar’s euphemism for misfortune and broken heartedness), Oskar made the trek into his father’s room so he could retrieve a camera. Clumsiness prevails and Oskar knocks over a vase, but in so doing uncovers a hidden key in an envelope labeled “Black.” It is this key and the search for its lock that the novel is focused on, and these two things take on unforeseen significance as the story unfolds. Layered beneath the story of Oskar’s present tense experiences is the story of Oskar’s relationship with his father, who was in the World Trade Center on September 11th. Oskar and his dad had a very close relationship, and it is clear that he and his mother do not enjoy the same closeness. Although his father is absent, he nonetheless remains the primary relationship for Oskar. Oskar continues to focus only on his father even while his mother is still there for him, at least physically. When his grandfather suddenly materializes out of nowhere, Oskar engages him in a relationship, too. Oskar’s grandmother is present for him and represents another active and engaged adult figure in his life. Indeed, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close provides several unique opportunities for examining the unique parenting styles exhibited by the various adults in Oskar’s life. Oskar’s intense connection to his father no doubt has to do with his having Asperger’s Syndrome and the unique way his father was able to engage with him. Asperger’s syndrome involves a collection of very unique symptoms, including “a distinctive way of thinking and acting” (Cohler and Weiner 208). This manifests through language, preoccupations, and clumsiness among other things (Cohler and Weiner). As is true for Oskar, a significant number of individuals that have Asperger’s are highly intelligent (Cohler and Weiner). They also struggle with social situations and propriety, and exhibit behavior that others find bizarre (Mayo). Though the novel doesn’t revolve around Oskar’s diagnosis, it is definitely an evident and relevant feature of the story. Oskar’s behavior supplies a bevy of evidence in support of the idea that he has Asperger’s Syndrome, including his method for cursing without actually cursing (“succotash my Balzac, dipshiitake”) (Foer 5). His preoccupations are interests that he remains focused on, and it seems his father discovered a way to normalize this for him by devising the Reconnaissance Expeditions that were so important to Oskar. Oskar’s speech and way of asking questions stands out from the other figures in his life, and his methods for coping with the things that are happening around him also seem strange in comparison. If Oskar wasn’t so clumsy, he never would have knocked down the vase containing the mysterious key. Another aspect of Oskar’s behavior that further reveals his Asperger’s –like tendencies is his need to attribute a cause for everything that happens. He cannot accept that things happen for no reason or that they can’t be explained through logic, or that the system of thought organization he’d been relying on for so long could be incapable of dealing with this new ambiguity. The fact that Oskar has Asperger’s and that his father managed to find a way to relate to and bond with a child having such a difficult diagnosis makes this novel an interesting starting point for a discussion of the relationship of parenting styles and Asperger’s syndrome. Thomas is probably best described as an authoritative parent, and there are many passages in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close that can be viewed as evidence of Thomas’s fulfillment of an authoritative parenting role. Authoritative parents are supportive, emotionally nurturing, and giving, but they also require responsibility on the child’s part (Brown). Authoritative parents provide positive structure and direction for their children (Brown). Thomas did this for Oskar by giving him positive activities he could do that were still relevant to his preoccupations, and by constantly engaging with Oskar in so many ways. This built their relationship and made them closer. Instead of trying to make Oskar conform to any certain idea of how a child should behave or what he should be interested in, Thomas is supportive and nurturing of Oskar and creates opportunities for enjoyment for him. From one perspective, we might perceive that Oskar’s father is also one of his preoccupations, and that Oskar’s intensely disturbing experience of loss went beyond mere grieving because it also struck the core of his Asperger’s Syndrome. Thomas’s parenting style seems to be the perfect fit for Oskar, and it seems to be similar to Grandma’s. Since Thomas’s father was absent, we might assume that Grandma was the primary role model Thomas patterned his parenting styles after. When Oskar and his mother go to the storage space Thomas had rented, they find a set of walkie talkies there. His mother explains that they used to keep one in their bedroom and one next to his crib, so Thomas could talk to him when he cried. Oskar takes these back home with him, giving one to Grandma. He checks in with her frequently and is even awakened by her nightmares. Grandma accompanies him on expeditions into Central Park at night and uses radio lingo with him: “Yes, Darling? Over? ” (73). Grandma expresses her role through the things she presents to Oskar throughout the book, including but not limited to: white hat, gloves, and scarf that she knit herself, stamp collecting materials, rocks, Shakespeare’s collected works. Grandma shares a lot of herself, but at the same time she doesn’t tell Oskar a lot about the details of her life. It seems that part of what attracts him to her is that she is focused solely on him when they are together. As she tells him, “I love you so much it hurts me,” and that he should never love anything as much as she loves him (Foer 104-5). She recalls the events that unfolded on September 11, and as she does it’s “I hope you never think about anything as much as I think about you” (224). Oskar is Grandma’s priority, the thing that is most important in her life, the person that she would do anything for. Grandma reveals her unique perspective on the experience of children while describing her own experiences earlier on in life. She describes going to her grandmother, and how she didn’t know her because “I didn’t have any interest in knowing her. I have no need for the past, I thought, like a child. I did not consider that the past might have a need for me” (78). Here, she equates youth with immediacy, drawing parallels between childhood and an attitude of disregard for old ways of doing things. History, intergenerational knowledge, and genealogy are topics that the child Grandma describes would have no interest in. Grandma was recognizing in hindsight that she really should have forged that relationship with her Grandma, and that her attitude about the older generations was the wrong one. Grandma also gives a unique window into her thoughts about being a Grandma herself through her description of her own Grandmother’s letter, which said “I wish I could be a girl again, with the chance to live my life again” (79). Perhaps Grandma is stating that she shares this perspective, and that she wishes she could take back things that she did. Certainly, any parent has regrets and wishes they had done things differently. Even parents who honestly do the best they can have failures. Grandma is permitted a chance to do it over again with Oskar, to take the experiences and knowledge she learned through parenting Thomas and apply it to parenting Oskar. It seems likely that Oskar’s intelligence and personality have benefited from the parenting styles of his father and grandmother. According to studies of parenting styles, the ways a child is parented can have an impact on their behavior (Alizadeh, Talib, Abdullah and Mansor). Each parenting style has its own unique impact on behavior. Studies have shown some of the differences between children raised under the various styles of parenting, and longitudinal research reveals how children raised under the different circumstances go on to exhibit specific and sometimes predictable behaviors. For example, children of authoritative parents are less likely to use or abuse drugs and less likely to have behavioral problems than those raised under authoritarian or permissive parenting approaches (Alizadeh et al.). Though Oskar is under very intense circumstances of grief during a sensitive time in his development his behavior is relatively commendable. His relationship to his mother is difficult, but that’s really not anything to do with his behavior. Children of authoritative parents can be more closely contrasted with those using other parenting styles, including authoritarian. Authoritarian parenting is not the same as authoritative parenting, and is a “because I said so” style that demands much from the child (Alizadeh et al.). The authoritarian parent doesn’t provide much support or emotional nurturing to the child, but does give a lot of direction (Brown). This style of parenting is severely controlling, restrictive, and negative (Bolghan-Abadi, Kimiaee, and Amir). Children of authoritarian parents are more likely to have behavioral problems, delinquency, and other problems (Alizadeh et al.). In considering Oskar’s different personality quirks, it seems obvious that he would not have thrived as much under an authoritarian parenting style. A third style is known as permissive parenting. Permissive parents are very supportive and emotionally nurturing, but they don’t provide a lot of structure or direction (Brown). While permissive parents certainly have the best intentions, there are many problems associated with this style of parenting. First, permissive parenting has been linked to anti-social behavior (Alizadeh et al.). Furthermore, permissive parenting is neglectful in teaching respect and can result in aggressive tendencies (Bolghan-Abadi et al.). The typical permissive parent seems more like a peer or friend to the child (Williams and Wahler). Permissive parents tend to avoid having conflicts at all (Williams and Wahler). Oskar needed the structure and guidelines that his father provided, and this permissive style would have been very difficult for him to understand and cope with. Oskar needs logical and rule-driven understanding, and the ambiguity of permissive parenting would deprive him of this. For most of the book it seems that Oskar’s mother—though physically present in his life—is just not there. In a flashback scene from the film, Thomas asks her, “What kind of adult is he gonna turn into?” and she replies, “I don’t know, that’s what I have you for.” She doesn’t realize when she says this that Oskar is spying on the conversation and overheard the whole thing. She doesn’t seem involved with the kinds of activities Thomas does with Oskar, and she might even be uncomfortable with his Asperger’s Syndrome. Oskar creates a rating system of how much he loves people in his life, with his father in first place, Grandma in second and Mom in third (73). It seems that Oskar prefers his father’s mother to his own, and in an attempt to emulate his father, he alienates himself from his mother. There is something between the two of them that seems to be creating a barrier to relationship, and now that Thomas is gone the distance seems exaggerated. Oskar has plenty of reasons to view his Grandmother as a maternal figure, though. For example, he describes: “When I was a baby, Grandma would take care of me during the day. Dad told me she would give me baths I the sink, and trim my fingernails and toenails with her teeth because she was afraid of using clippers” (Foer 100). Again, Grandma reveals that her priority is Oskar. Oskar therefore feels safe with her, feels fully accepted, loved, and nurtured by her. On the other hand, his mother never went to such extremes for his benefit, and was gone all those times that Grandma had to be his caregiver. Oskar also describes spending a lot of time at his Grandma’s apartment, going over there almost every day after school “because Mom worked at the firm on Saturdays and sometimes even on Sundays” (Foer 100). It seems that Oskar’s mother puts her career first, funneling most of her energies there. Although this is obviously beneficial to Oskar, he cannot grasp the full complexity of these circumstances at this point in his childhood. Oskar certainly senses that his mother’s priorities are elsewhere, and wonders at her absence during some of his school events. Undoubtedly, her distance emotionally and her absence physically combine to create an emptiness of relationship with her son. At one point, Oskar’s mom tries to get him to talk to her, or let her read to him, or even do something he used to do with his dad: go through the newspaper to look for mistakes. Oskar rejects every offer she makes and finally asks her to promise not to bury him when he dies. Instead of responding with a quick answer (which it seems obvious Thomas would do), she tells him he’s not going to die. Oskar argues, and none of his mother’s arguments are logical to him. She tries to say that Thomas is in the empty casket, that his spirit is there, and Oskar becomes very angry: “Dad didn’t have a spirit! He had cells!” (Foer 169). Here, Oskar is demonstrating that he knows his father better than she does. He also exhibits that inflexibility and need for order that is so common in Asperger’s Syndrome (Mayo). He wants every key to find its lock and every puzzle to be solved. Since Oskar’s mother hasn’t been actively involved in much of his life this far, she struggles to form an alliance with him in the aftermath of his father’s death. The culmination of the above argument is that Oskar demands that she explain where she was on the day that his father died, and why she wasn’t home when he came in from school. She arrived after Oskar, and he had to wait, alone, and listen to the answering machine messages he left all by himself. It took her longer to get home from work, and it was impossible for her to change that. She told Oskar, “I can’t make the impossible possible,” to which he replies “You should have!” (Foer 169). If she had been there, he believes, something would have gone differently. It seems that Oskar is really trying to tell her that she should have been able to stop everything that happened that day from ever even happening. When his mom makes a new male friend, Oskar refuses him and says “I didn’t want gifts from Ron” (Foer 154). He tries to get his mother to promise to never fall in love again, and he saw her formation of relationships with new men as symbolic of her inauthentic feelings for his father. Oskar further places blame in her direction due to Ron, and accuses her of not missing his dad, using Ron as evidence. Finally, he explodes: “If I could have chosen, I would have chosen you!” (Foer 171). Though he eventually tries to take it back, they both know exactly what he means, and that he will never be able to take it back. There are other familial conflicts in Oskar’s life. One of the main stories that runs like a thread throughout the book is that of Oskar’s Grandfather, Thomas Sr., who is a much discussed figure due to his absence during all of Thomas Jr.’s life. Through passages by Grandma about Grandfather and passages by Grandfather as well, we come to understand a very complex story about two people who got married and lived together in a New York apartment. Grandfather didn’t speak anymore, and lost his ability to speak shortly after arriving in America; for this reason he carried a notepad around with him everywhere he went. Grandma and Grandpa conducted their relationship through her speech and his writing. They created a little world all their own in the apartment, until Grandma became aware that she wanted to have a baby—even though they’d agreed not to. She hid the baby from Grandpa as long as she could. Finally, while they were both lying in bed one night, she turned on the light and showed him her stomach. He left her not long after that, taking a big heavy suitcase with him. One portion of the book is a description of this relationship by Grandfather in which he addresses Thomas Jr. He seems to be telling a long story about their relationship. There are many rules they made, including no listening to sad music or looking over his shoulder while he’s writing. He says “I’m telling you all this because I’ll never be your father, and you’ll always be my child” (Foer 135). In this he is saying that because he abandoned his wife and Thomas Jr., he’ll never have the experience of being a father. Even so, Thomas is truly his child and that cannot be changed. He has love for him, and in some way he even believes that his absence was a gift to his child. He makes comparisons about how he expresses his love and his existential dilemmas, “if that sounds simple, it’s simple like a mountain is simple” (Foer 135). Then later he says to Thomas, “I want you to be happy, I want that more than I want happiness for myself, does that sound simple?” (Foer 135). In this we understand that he views his motivations as being focused on Thomas’s well-being instead of his own, and that he must have removed himself from the family because he thought it was best for everyone. Oskar’s family relationships ebb and flow and intertwine in the film adaptation of the novel. Grandfather becomes engaged in the quest for locating the lock for Oskar’s key, and Grandfather struggles to find a way to relate to Oskar without causing him harm. While Oskar and his Grandfather start to forge a relationship, it seems that he moves farther away from his mother. Though finding the lock for the key symbolizes his search for his father, so too does it symbolize a moving away from his mother. He describes: “Every time I left our apartment to go search for the lock, I became a little lighter, because I was getting farther from mom” (Foer 43). It almost seems like he knew it would be too much to be around someone else that shared his pain and new his father so deeply. Grandfather, of course, was external to this entire situation and therefore posed no threat; this could be the catalyst for Oskar’s absolute verbal meltdown within moments of meeting Grandfather, in which he even shows him his self-inflicted bruises. Grandpa’s distance from the family means he doesn’t pose the threat that those closer to him might. As much as Oskar emulates his father through his relationship with his Grandmother, he emulates his father in other ways, too. When Oskar begins visiting people with the last name “Black” in an attempt to locate the person that owns the lock to his key, he encounters Abby Black. Abby is sad and crying, and Oskar describes: “I went over to her and I put my hand on her shoulder, like Dad used to do with me. I asked her what she was feeling, because that’s what he would ask” (Foer 97). Oskar makes it clear that these are not things he would do naturally, and that he learned them from observing his father. Similarly, when Oskar first arrives at Abby’s door, he tells her “I’m sure people tell you this constantly, but if you looked up ‘incredibly beautiful’ in the dictionary, there would be a picture of you” (Foer 91). This seems a sophisticated contrivance for an eleven-year-old, but Abby isn’t offended by his overture and takes it in stride. Another time, Oskar’s mom tells him, “You sound just like Dad” (Foer 43). For Oskar, this is a great compliment. Since the novel is set in Manhattan, it reveals some of the unique parenting challenges and opportunities that might be presented to families living there. Of course, Oskar’s father has the ability to create such amazing Reconnaissance Expeditions based on their proximity to Central Park. This was beneficial to Oskar, as were his visits to the museum, or the fact that Grandma could go to the planetarium gift shop and buy him astronaut ice cream. Many elements of the book are specific to New York City: that Thomas was in the World Trade Center on September 11th, that Oskar spends his time in Central Park. However, there are many things about Oskar that could be true for a child just about anywhere: he enjoys stamp collecting and playing the tambourine, he’s afraid of bridges, his mother is a lawyer and his father is a jewelry salesman. For Oskar’s parents, there is undoubtedly more stress and worry about a child’s welfare in New York City than there would be in a suburban location. We especially confront this when Oskar goes for a walk with Grandma and hides from her. Grandma panics and gets very upset, even though Oskar is only playing. Though we don’t have a lot to go on with Oskar, it seems obvious that Thomas was concerned with his safety during the Expeditions and had built in precautions, such as a grown up’s presence. A specific element of the story that really brings New York City into focus involves Oskar’s solo expeditions across Manhattan and into other boroughs in an attempt to locate the key’s lock. In searching for the key, Oskar not only moved away from his mother but he moved toward strangers, represented by the hundreds of people in New York City with the last name “Black” that he’d intended to methodically meet and interview about the key. Some of the people he meets, like Abby, seem totally benign. But other treks seem dangerous, though not necessarily to Oskar. Oskar locates danger in the subways, flashing lights, bridges, and other city features that scare him, but seems utterly fearless when it comes to knocking on the doors of complete strangers and asking about highly personal information. Oskar has no concept of exactly what he has lived through. His strange behavior—though some of it can be attributed to Asperger’s Syndrome—can be seen as a way to try to cope with the loss of his father, the one person he was closest to and admired most in the world. His experience of being sent away from school to an empty home due to the attacks was truly traumatic. He was alone, and terrified, and though he couldn’t sense exactly what was happening, he knew something had gone wrong. He hears the phone ringing but can’t bring himself to answer it. Eventually, he reveals that he had been home during his father’s last calls and that he heard his father’s last words. He had lied about this. Research describes a variety of different reactions to trauma among different people, with traumatic experiences having an identifiable pattern that is detectable in some of those that have been exposed to them. For example, some individuals go on to develop post-traumatic stress disorder, which can include the symptom of re-experiencing the trauma (“Disaster”). This can happen through flashbacks, nightmares, or recurring memories. We know that Oskar had a hard time sleeping, and he was frequently thinking back to that day and remembering every detail of what happened. Oskar was obsessive about discovering whatever he could about his father and what his father wanted for him. People with post-traumatic stress disorder can also suffer from angry outbursts due to irritability (“Disaster”). There was definitely evidence of this with Oskar, including his behavior toward his mother. He was angry about his father’s empty coffin being buried at a funeral. He is angry about his mother’s new friend. He is hurting himself in the hopes that someone will notice how much pain he is in. He describes how he woke up to mom helping him change into his pajamas, and obviously having seen his bruises: I DON’T PUT THEM THERE FOR HER, BUT I STILL WANT HER TO ASK ME HOW I GOT THEM (EVEN THOUGH SHE PROBABLY KNOWS), AND TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME (BECAUSE SHE SHOULD REALIZE HOW HARD THINGS ARE FOR ME), AND TO FEEL TERRIBLE (BECAUSE AT LEAST SOME OF IT IS HER FAULT), AND TO PROMISE ME THAT SHE WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE. (173). The catharsis in the book seems to relate to the last statement above, in which Oskar expresses his wish that his mother never abandon him. His behavior seems to portray a lack of emotion and love for her, but we eventually come to find that this is not true. Through Oskar’s ability to finally let his mother in, there is some closure to the cycle of searching, disappointment, and loss that Oskar had been steeped in for so much of the novel. Oskar just cracks one day, starts crying and telling his mother that he doesn’t want to be hospitalized and that he’ll be better soon. He tells her he has tried as hard as he could. Their exchange represents grief exposed and shared without holding back, and this is the first time they’ve been able to do this. Though this is a profoundly sad passage in the novel, it is interwoven with hope. Until now, Oskar has kept his mother at a distance, and the loss of his father seemed to represent a loss of any parental relationship. Now, with his mother’s renewed presence and Oskar’s newly open heart, the two can at least share in their sadness and heal together. At the end of Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, the reader understands that Oskar and his mother are going to be able to forge a relationship after all, and that the two of them will form a family unit together. Whereas Thomas expressed an authoritarian parenting style, Oskar’s mother will have to eke out her own parenting style under these new circumstances, and be willing to adapt to Oskar’s needs. Based on the last portions of the novel, it seems likely that she will manage to adapt the authoritarian parenting style that Thomas modeled, though in her own unique way. Oskar will need the support and nurturing of authoritative parenting, as well as the structure he became accustomed to with Thomas. She will also have to become comfortable with the quirks of Oskar’s personality due to Asperger’s Syndrome, and learn how she can assist him with related challenges. The novel and film Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close revealed an extraordinary parenting style on the part of a devoted father. In the context of complicated family dynamics, Oskar was able to thrive and connect with his father and their shared interests. The death of Oskar’s father represented a massive crisis for him, in which he temporarily lost his sense of security and comfort. Through the healing quality of time and being permitted to work out his own way of grieving, Oskar came to accept what happened to his father, even if he couldn’t understand it. A new parenting relationship forms out of the destruction of another, and Oskar and his mother forge a real bond for the first time. An illuminating view of unique parenting styles, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is a unique representation of the complexity of relationships between parent and child. Works Cited Alizadeh, Shahla, Mansor B. Abu Talib, Rohani Abdullah, and Mariani Mansour. “Relationship between Parenting Styles and Children’s Behavior Problems.” Asian Social Science, 7.12(2011): 195-233. Bolghan-Abadi, Mustafa, Sayed-Ali Kimiaee, and Fatemeh Amir. “The Relationship Between Parents’ Child Rearing Styles and Their Children’s Quality of Life and Mental Health.” Psychology, 2.3(2011): 229-233. Cohler, Bertram J., and Talia Weiner. “The Inner Fortress: Symptom and Meaning in Asperger’s Syndrome.” Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 31.3 (2011): 208-221. “Disaster and Trauma.” Harvard Mental Health Letter, 18.7(2002): 1. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. Dir. Stephen Daldry. Perf. Tom Hanks, Thomas Horn, and Sandra Bullock. Warner Bros., 2011. Film. Foer, Jonathan Safran. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2005. Print. Mayo Clinic Staff. “Asperger’s Syndrome.” Mayoclinic.com. Web. 15 May 2012. “When it Comes to Handling Your Hard-to-Handle Child, Are You an Authoritative, Authoritarian or Permissive Parent?” Brown University Child & Adolescent Behavior Letter 16.3 (2000): 9. Read More