The Seven Principles of a Few Relationship-Strengthening Activities - Essay Example

Subject: Family and consumer science, Essay Date: Topic: Relationship Reading Project 2 The seven principles along with a few relationship-strengthening activities to try as enunciated by Dr. John M. Gottman are: 1. Describe the Seattle Love Lab, the research behind the 7 Principles and how Dr. John M. Gottman predicts divorce. Dr. John M. Gottman, (2000) a psychologist, has established a special place called “Love Lab,” (p.1) “at the University of Washington in Seattle.”(p.1) to map the inner world of the couples and through their interactions during a fixed period of the day, Gottman comes out with startling and more or less accurate revelations about their married life. This is an arrangement with consent where the married couples express their willingness to get themselves “to uncover truth about marriage” (p.2) and the thought processes of the couple are analyzed. The ideal result expected of a marriage is ‘to flow together harmoniously’ from the day they tie the knot and take the oath of mutual allegiance. They try to find a common goal, and they respect the goals of each other. The happy couples develop a find sense of anticipation and are familiar with the contextual expectations of the partner. They store the essential information about the partner and style their responses accordingly to take care of the small and big desires of the partner. They try to nurture mutual dreams and co-operate in all possible ways to fulfill them. To enable them to find an amicable solution in the areas of conflicts like, equitable distribution of the household tasks, management if children, family budget and investments, disposition with near and dear ones, relations, and the serious issues like, drinking, drugs and smoking, extra-marital relations and the like, this “Love Lab” is the experimental spot. Gottman’s first conclusion is shocking. He asserts that that there are no happy couples, as there are no lasting emotional relationships without chronic conflict.(p.2) He asserts that there is something seriously wrong about the couples that have no chronic subjects to struggle and tackle with. Authentic relationship and emotional distance are not the alternative beats of the same heart. There is a problem with such hearts. Emotional detachment is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship, especially marriage. Dr. Gottman observes, “In fact, I am now able to predict whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way. I can make this prediction after listening to the couple interacts in our Love Lab for as little as five minutes!”(p.2) His research laboratory has turned out to be the transformation center to hundreds of couple whose marriage has been running through a problematic phase. 2. Describe Love Maps, how they help to build knowledge about each partners inner world, and explain how to do the exercise. Husband and wife are like two Public Relations Managers working for one institution who have equal powers. The name of that institution is the institution of marriage. These two individuals can build or break it. Couples need to have and develop on an ongoing basis positive outlook of each other. “Nurture your fondness and admiration,”(p.61) asserts Gottman. Can the two walk together, unless they are agreed and adjust the pace in tandem with the needs of the other? If the couple faults on this account on a recurring basis, the marriage cannot be saved. Gottman suggests a helpful activity to sustain the feeling of love. He suggests to the couple to make use of the loving phrase, “I appreciate.” He details an imaginative exercise, to locate three or more positive qualities of the partner and to read the contents to each other. He mentions these exercises as building of the love maps. These are the sessions of the couple wherein they exchange Open Ended Questions. This session is bound to instill enthusiasm with the couple which will help to mend the fences. The couple should think of the time at the beginning of a relationship, the long durations of telephonic conversations at the time of building love maps. This should continue throughout the married life, it is sort of a review session, the recollection of the past that will provide the vision for the future. Just like with each reading, the literary agent improves the manuscript and gets new insights about it, these Love Maps turn out to be the building blocks of strengthening relationships. They inform about the stress impacting your partner and goings on in the inner world. Does your partner know something about your childhood friend and what common dream you shared with him/her? Love Map conversations sustain the relationship and provide new insights. “Study-buddy” approach to this question-answer session is the ideal choice. Simple questions put forth in a gentle style like, what are your aspirations? What is most relaxing to your partner? 3. Explain how to nurture Fondness and Admiration and why it is important. Romance does not go well with the aristocratic structure. Nurture the simple issues related to the day to day life with application, sincerity and imagination. Air-travel to hill resorts, lavish vacations once a year and party in an expensive hotel, are not the ways to keep romance alive and kicking. Make everyday interesting, stay connected, lookout for interludes filled will humor. Answer each problematic question, with a solution-finding approach. Show your concern. Deposit something in the “emotional bank account,” (p.82) of the partner. Satisfy the cravings of the partner with the innovative approach in carrying out the day to day activities, and let the days and weeks not slip into boredom. Let your reactions be positive and not negative. Bid for your partner’s attention and wait for the answer with all eagerness and affection. By remaining emotionally engaged and staying connected will add vibrancy to living though the hours, days and weeks. Express yourself, the joy and the thrill that you experience in fulfilling her small demands when she needs something special for the party which she hoists for her college friends. What you do is important; but how you do what you do is more important. For example, you have seen your husband leaving for the office with a troubled disposition, about which he does not reveal much. Your guess is that it relates to something about the office work. Leave a voicemail that how you care about his health and moods and what special eats he would like to have for dinner. Do not hesitate to call him for the second time to remind him that you are eagerly waiting for him and that he should leave office in time and drive the car quite relaxed. Remind him about the promised weekend trip to the River walk. Your passion and efforts to remain connected with him are bound to bear the fructifying results. He will remember and appreciate your generosity and goodwill. 4. Describe emotional bids for connection, how one may respond to bids and the importance of turning towards one another instead of away. When the thoughts are changed, the mind is changed. When the mind is changed, the man/woman is changed. This the golden approach for the couple. ‘Whatever I say is correct,’ says the husband. ‘Whatever correct is there in the world belongs to me,’ says the wife. Where, then is the scope for misunderstanding? All that matters is your ability influence the thought processes of your spouse. If your partner influences you, do not interpret it that you are being dominated. The capacity to take the joint decision, after discussing the pros and cons of an issue, is the strongest building block of a happy relationship. It is a twice-blessed position. Avoidance to discuss an issue, though minor in character, cracks the relationships. Unsolved and sticky issues are like the bad debts in the balance sheet of the bank. They erode into the ‘profitability’ of marriage. Be not hungry for power, remain hungry to share power. One muffled drum spoils the symphony of the entire orchestra. Misunderstandings grow fast and the fodder of silence accelerates its growth. Talk and resolve and realize the importance of turning towards one another instead of away. Men who allow their wives to influence their decisions have a happy married life. Take her opinion and feelings and make it your working philosophy. Let her feel that she is actively participating, and she is not like the dormant account in a bank. Do not escalate the negativity of your wife with sharp retorts. When your wife is in a bad mood, the time is not ripe to express your literary genius. What is required is the healing touch with simple words like, ‘I understand’, ‘that aspect escaped my attention’, etc. Never be a bully to control your wife by quoting the scriptures of the religion you practice. To lead a happy married life is also an important part of the religion. The emotional world of women is more fertile as compared to men. Do not attack it with your harsh and negative approach over issues. Have a firm conviction that if there is an issue, it can be solved. 5. Explain why it is important to let one partner influence the other, and why it is especially important for a husband to accept his wife’s influence. All The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, are equally important, but principle number 5 is something special, it consists of many interrelated deciding factors that indicate whether the marriage will work or not. With mutual respect for each other, it is possible to solve differences that arise from time to time. Persuasion is a good quality but insistence to settle disagreements on one’s own terms is not! Gottam identifies two types of martial problems: conflicts that can be resolved and perpetual problems that can’t. It is for the couples to determine the diving line between these two sets of problems. How the couple, at least one of them, approaches the issue matters a lot. The wise saying goes, well begun is half done. The startup needs to be with a positive indication that you are interested in resolution and you are up to the repair attempts. A soothing beginning and an attitude of compromise, and remaining tolerant of each other’s faults are the good startups. These are all parts of the positive communication. No special training is necessary and these are part of the normal etiquettes and their practical application needs a bit of imagination. Always remember that the person in front of you is not an ordinary individual or a casual acquaintance. Both of you have vowed to share life with each other. Harsh startup increases the emotional distance, friendship and sense of connection are lost. In the startup do not take the posture that you are up to outsmart the spouse. Rigid startup may seal the fate of the conflict. The intent of the startup is to decrease the tension, not to maintain it or increase it. Temper is very valuable; do not lose it. Remember you are confronting an issue, not the person. Save the dignity of the spouse, the ultimate purpose is to find an amicable solution. Even if your spouse is to blame, keep an honorable escape route open. Focus on your words; they should not contain seeds of hurt. You cannot play the roles of lawyer and judge both. Just explain your perspective in the most civilized manner. 6. Describe the two types of marital conflict and explain the difference between them. The union between two individuals does not necessarily mean the union of two ideas. If someone wishes for a marriage without issues, he/she is wishing to swim in an ocean without waves. That is impossibility. The waves shall be there. The important issue is the skill of the swimmer to negotiate the waves. If your spouse is unresponsive to your cherished dreams, it may lead to gridlock. The ambition and goal of each one is important from the perspective of that individual, howsoever insignificant it may be from the point of view of the other. Talk about your dream; explain how it is important in your life, why it is the passion that you cannot ignore, and what the possible outcome is. Convince your spouse that the process of living the dream is more important than the achievement related to the dream. All martial conflicts are of two types, the ones that can be solved and those which are perceptual. Customize them and evolve the coping strategies. Some of the common perpetual problems are to have a baby or not, one of the spouse wanting more sex, husband not owning and performing his share of housework, faith related issues in inter-religious marriages and about disciplining the children. Despite these differences marriages can still be successful, if an element of humor is introduced in these problems. The differences of opinions need not lead to a crisis; it can be an opportunity to know more about the goings on in the inner world of the spouse. Acknowledging that there is a problem is the beginning of the solution. Thus, never disengage from each other emotionally. That may lead to resentment. No one is one hundred percent right. Reality is subjective and that is the reason, why perspectives differ. Repose faith on the possibility of change in the perspective of one of them. Pardon, and bury the resentment and await a fresh morning, just like the sun surveys the world every day, forgetting the darkness of yesterday. Forgiveness is twice-blessed. 7. Explain softened startup, repair attempts, self-soothing techniques and how to find compromise in order to solve solvable problems. In this principle, Gottman reaches out to spirituality. If an individual possesses or attempts to possess spiritual understanding, conflicts and misunderstandings in any area get diluted and they vanish ultimately. Spirituality paves the way for bliss. It is not the way, the highway but the highest way that an individual can aspire for. Marriage involves many routine and unavoidable activities like raising kids, splitting chores and making love. To be a part of the family is to be a part of the heritage and each individual has the role. A family is the building block of the society. Recognize and appreciate the dream of your spouse, even though you may not share those ideas. The couple generally belongs to a common culture. Conflicts (and they are bound to be there) should never be allowed to reach the level to cause mutual distress. When your fundamentals are strong, when you value your family culture, the differences can be ironed out. When an atmosphere prevails in the family where one can express freely, where one can talk about one’s convictions without fear, there is no room for serious conflicts. In that healthy ambience, positive thoughts will sprout and the marital relationship will strengthen. Family conversations are an ideal cementing force. But with the impact of materialistic civilization and technological advances, the human element of life is fast disappearing. For example, watching television during dinner, by sacrificing your time for interactions, is a negative trait. Creating situations and informal rituals connect you emotionally. Emotional bond is the critical element in marriage. You have a role to play in life. Your relatives and in due course your children closely watch your performance. You can expect repeat performance of your dispositions in many areas of life, by your children. They learn by watching and imitating you. If your children are screaming, ponder whether you have passed on your own heritage to them. You are the torch bearer and you will pass on the torch to them. 8. Describe how to cope with solvable problems The first criterion to cope with the solvable problems is the willingness that it must be solved. Every problem creates different levels of pressure in the minds of partners. The procedures to reduce such pressure need to be looked into. Solvable problems are different from the perpetual problems that impact the deeper layers of the personality within the marriage. With accumulation of such problems marriage turns from merry age to sorry age! Some such predicaments are feeling of rejection by your partner, engage in endless talks over an issue with no progress towards settlement, and on the contrary create more rigidity and contradictions, remain steadfast on your principles giving no scope for latitude, every discussion leading to more frustration, conversations are harsh and rigid, with no humor or affection, take pleasure to vilify the other and eventually disengage from each other emotionally. If the situation in the relationship does not fall into the above categories, your marriage has a chance to remain on the happy note and your problems are solvable. Majority of the situational problems can be solved, as they are not rigid or fundamental issues. Aim at productive discussion, not accusations. Complain about an issue without blaming and fixing the responsibility of your own, without considering the viewpoints of your spouse. One may have reasons to do a particular thing at a particular time. Know that reason and give chance to the spouse to do it differently on another occasion. Be polite and make use of soothing words like “please,” “I expect,” and “I would appreciate…” Do not postpone the opportunities for amicable settlement of the issues. Pent up feelings lead to frustration, and finally when you are ready to burst, the chances of losing the mental poise are real. Look out for repair attempts and decide that tomorrow should be better than today in your relationships. Introduce something new, something novel, in your friendship. An appreciation of your friend’s visit the month before, on this day might delight your spouse. You lose nothing by speaking good, encouraging words. Know for certain that none of you is perfect. Appreciate the viewpoints of the other, even when you do not agree with it. Communicate often and try to discover new positive layers in the personality of your spouse. 9. Identify gridlocked problems, explain how to talk about Dreams-Within-Conflict, and describe how a couple can soothe each other. In gridlocked problems the solutions seem impossibility. If one of the spouses does not want to have children, you are gridlocked. Do not close the chapter of such problems but enter into a dialogue. Acknowledging and respecting the view point of the other is the key to save the marriage. Every individual has dreams and such dreams do not end with marriage; rather they are likely to multiply. Some of the dreams enumerated by Gottman are a spiritual journey, honor, competency, getting over past hurts, having a sense of order, getting the priorities in order, travel, building something important and atonement etc. Marriage is all about finding a common goal, a common identity and shared dreams. One should not expect that the other will give up the dreams or share your dream. Take into account each other’s wishes and desires and be supportive to mutual dreams. If the differences in the dreams are serious and unbridgeable, learn to live peacefully with conflicting dreams. To live with hidden dreams amounts to suppression of dreams and this is a negative trait. When both of you understand that dreams are inching towards gridlock, begin to discuss them frankly. Do not make an attempt to solve the issues in one go. That may worsen the situation. The objective is to understand the details of differences. Explain in clear terms the merits of your dream, and how the active co-operation of the spouse will speed up its fulfillment. Supporting the dream of spouse does not necessarily mean that you share that dream. But this positive approach will generate tremendous goodwill that will impact the marriage life as a whole. Wait for an opportunity to say ‘thank you’ to your spouse and say it in the style that will reveal commitment and faith. Always keep your sense of humor intact. Say that you are a competent spouse, all things considered. Express your understanding of the dream. 10. Describe how a couple can create shared meaning. To create shared meaning leads to a good ambience at home. Wife and husband need to be like the two public relations managers, working for a common goal of an organization. The shared meaning principles are applicable in all situations, with all types of relationships. Experiment with them by putting into practice, one by one, as appropriate to the situation. Hasten slowly and watch the reactions carefully and make adjustments in your disposition as per the need of the situation. You will feel more connected and your relationship with your spouse will expand both horizontally and vertically. You are not a salesman to create dialogues as per the demand of the situation. You are with an individual with whom you have a lifelong commitment. So, your dialogues need to be hearty without the trace of artificiality. Your sincerity should reflect in your simples questions like, “How are you?” Such words need to cement the hearty bond. Listen to her version of happenings within the community and the interesting stories, howsoever insignificant they may be from your point of you. Surprise her with a weekend invitation for a movie or a visit to the coffee house of her liking. If you do not like a particular dish, do not complain, “This is no good.” Say, “You are capable of making this particular dish better.” Give her the opportunity to help you, even though you may not need the help. Just surprise her with a telephone call, when it is least expected by her. But see that the call is not to inform her that you will be late from the office. Show affection and congratulate her for winning the music competition in the kitty party, though it surprises you. Do not ever miss an opportunity to share laughter. 11. Relate a principle from this book and how it could be used to improve a non-romantic relationship such as a parent-child relationship. Children are the products of the marriage. A happy marital relationship obviously leads to happy parent-child relationship. Bringing up children is an important responsibility of the parents in the current level of civilization deeply impacted by materialistic values. In a non-romantic relationship such as a parent-child relationship, I think, principle number 7 in Goodman’s book, “Create shared meaning.” Translation: share values, attitudes, interests, traditions,” is an important one from the point of view of children. The combustible younger generation is stressed due to the impact of technological advancement and internet revolution. Traditional family values are given a go by the destination less and directionless younger generation and in this grim situation improving parent-child relationships assumes importance. Children have a keen sense of observations. If the relationship amongst parents is cordial and ideal, it is bound to leave a favorable impression on the child and contribute to full extent of a child’s development. It will have positive implications on the growth of personality, as children learn by imitation and try to emulate their parents. Children who are loved progress better in life than those who are not. References Gottman M. John (Author) Silver Nan (Author) (2000) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Countrys Foremost Relationship Expert. Three River Press Read More