The Consequences of Divorce on Parents and Children - Research Paper Example

?“Till Divorce Do Us Part” It is a sad reality that in this modernized world, many families face disintegration due to a variety of causes. Usually, it results to parents divorcing, leaving negative consequences on the parents as well as the children. Although effects on children may be different, based on their age, culture and situation, the fact remains that there is usually damage caused either emotionally, socially, personally, a combination of these or all. I. Emotional Effects Divorce evokes a wide range of strong emotions from relief to regret, remorse and devastation. Divorcing parents may go through stages of grief. A. Parents The Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle (1969) discusses stages of grief of people who may be unaccepting changes that inevitably follow a highly stressful event such as death or divorce. The first stage is shock. When a spouse decides to divorce his or her partner, the partner may feel numb at first because such numbness protects him or her from the pain. When the truth sinks in, that is when he or she would feel the enormous emotional pain. Next is the denial stage. When the truth is too hard to accept, the partner being divorced may choose to deny it and live life as if nothing happened. However, he or she would need to be constantly reminded of the truth, and if necessary, even be provoked to face it just so he/she can move on. The next stage is anger. This is the outpouring of emotions that the partner may have repressed in the earlier stages and vent it out to anyone. Constant questioning and lamenting about how unfair it is to be in such a situation accompanies the anger. As soon as the anger is let out, clarity of mind may be expected after. When the anger has been expressed and dissipated, the bargaining stage comes next. The partner being divorced may ask for a second chance or the. If the bargaining is unsuccessful and nothing can be done to stop the divorce from happening, he/she may fall into the depression stage. He/ She can be hopeless, devastated and unable to continue living normally. He/She may also tend to withdraw from their personal relationships with other people and keep to themselves. Although still in a state of depression, grieving people may come to a point when they realize they cannot be helpless forever and try some things that may be more proactive. It has been identified to be the initial step towards the acceptance stage. People in the testing stage now look into the practical things that could be done while there is still an opportunity. Finally, they come to the stage of acceptance and readiness to move on to the next phase of their lives. This may take a while longer depending on their capacity to heal from the emotional hurt that the divorce has caused. B. Children The children may feel abandoned and at a loss when their parents decide to divorce. Some may blame themselves and believe it is their fault that their parents’ marriage did not work out as it should. They may be torn between which parent they would prefer to be with and undergo strong ambivalent emotions toward one or both parents. For some children, loss of self-confidence and self-esteem will affect their productivity especially in school. Some children will display rebellious behaviour while others will be overly solicitous of the parent they are left with. The children may also go through the stages of grief discussed above and try all means to get their parents back together and strive to be a whole family again. It is a very emotional period in their lives. II. Social Consequences of Divorce A. Economic Espenshade (1979) explain that divorce affects the family’s economic standing but since families’ needs for income may differ according to the family size and composition, the economic effect may be not be standard. A study by Hoffman (1977) conclude that women are at a much greater disadvantage economically than men as they experience a reduction in living standards whereas their former husbands experience a gain. This may be due to the fact that wives mostly have custody of the children and they struggle to support them apart from maintaining their own stature. The alimony or child support payments from the husband usually fail to compensate fully for the costs of child care. Duncan and Morgan (1976) studied the effects on the children under 10 years of age and find that it is dependent on which parent they go with after the divorce. The study shows that most of the time, they fare better economically when their fathers have custody of them. However, that study was in the 70’s when women had less earning power. Nowadays, women are empowered to earn even more than men and capable of providing well for their children. B. Relationships When marriages or unwed relationships that have borne children break up, the problem of who the children live with and be primarily raised by is perennially faced by the “un-couple”. It is not enough to settle a parenting plan that will work for both parents. What is of utmost importance is how it works for the child’s or children’s best interests. Unchanging parenting plans that have been agreed upon from the time of separation of the parents to the time the child grows up to be an adult have not taken into consideration developmentally appropriate conditions that take place as a child grows. This means whatever had been effective for a toddler might not work anymore when he is a teenager because his needs constantly change. For example, being a weekend parent from the time his child was a preschooler all the way up to being an adolescent may be a routine that provides a comfortable rhythm to a father. However, there are times when a child might need him more, especially if the child is a growing boy who needs a male role model in his growing up years. Each developmental stage comes with its own challenges. Some children may easily transition from relating to one parent to the other, some may be more difficult, and some may just be slow to warm up. The parent has his or her own temperament to reckon with, and the compatibility of the parent-child temperaments would constitute Chess & Thomas’ (1987) “goodness of fit” factor. In order to have a harmonious relationship, parents need to be able to adjust to their child’s temperament. There is no doubt that children need to have both parents in their lives. Opportunities with both parents should have stability, consistency in care giving and predictability of transitions. In sum, what is more important than the agreed upon time sharing schedule of the parents is the warmth, sensitivity and interest in the child (Whiteside, 1998 as mentioned in Hartson, 2010) that both parents must equally provide. III. Personal Impact of Divorce A. Parents Divorced parents undergo a lot of emotional strain and anxiety while undergoing the divorce. Apart from the pain of separation from the spouse he or she started a home and family with, raising the children singlehandedly or seeing the children on a limited basis depending on who gets custody becomes a constant source of stress (Furstenberg, 1990). For some people who have been raised to believe that a family should stay together, being divorced would be a great disappointment. It is worse if the person belongs to a more traditionalist culture where divorce is frowned upon. The added pressure of being looked down on for a failed marriage further inflicts more shame and humiliation on the person. The dream of having a happy family has now become an illusion because the dream was shattered. The divorced parent may seem hopeless that he or she can build another dream of a happy family with another spouse unless he or she has been having an extramarital affair to begin with (Furstenberg, 1990). With a bruised self-esteem, the divorcee may not be confident enough to resume the life he or she has been living before the divorce and may take a while before recovery. Springing back to normalcy will depend on the person’s personality and disposition (Furstenberg, 1990). B. Children Nicholson (2006) gathered studies regarding the effects of divorce on children and found that parental divorce and marital conflict can inflict poor health among children and adolescents which may be due to stress or psychosomatic causes. It was also found that by the age of 23, more people coming from divorced families get into cohabitation prior to marriage than those coming from intact families. This is in addition to the finding that parental divorce may increase the likelihood of early sexual experiences of the children, premarital birth and leaving home due to marital conflict. On the other hand, De Silva (2004) conducted a study that indicated that adults from divorced homes have greater difficulty establishing intimacy with their partners than those coming from nondivorced families. A fear of intimacy may have been implanted in them as a child witnessing marital distress from their parents. These negative outcomes of divorce calls for intervention at the time of divorce with counseling aimed at recovery of the emotional pain caused by the divorce. IV. Conclusion Ending a marriage is usually accompanied by pain and regret. The “un-couple” may face legal issues and custody battles and separation of properties. Parenting plans also get into the picture. In the midst of all this chaos, the children suffer the most, because they may be burdened with a decision they have had no voice in. Several lessons may be learned from witnessing a family go through divorce. One is real preparation for marriage by selecting a partner one can truly live with “in sickness and in health”. It takes maturity to choose the right person and not just basing it on surface features such as looks and success factors such as a great career and lots of money. One should look into the personality of the potential spouse, if such partnership will be able to withstand all of life’s challenges with each other and do it without losing the love and affection that exist from the beginning of the relationship. Marriage takes great work and sacrifice in order to be successful. Although divorce is now an option that can release one from marriage, it should be the last resort if one truly wants the dream of a happy family. References Chess, S., A. Thomas, and H. Birch., Your Child Is a Person: A Psychological Approach to parenting without Guilt. New York: Viking Press, 1972, De Silva, R., The impact of divorce on intimacy among adults who experienced parental divorce in childhood. M.S.W., California State University, Long Beach, 2004. Duncan, G.J. & Morgan, J.N., Introduction and overview in Duncan & Morgan’s (Eds.) Five Thousand American Families – Patterns of Economic Progress (Vol. 4) Ann Arbor: Institute for Social Research, University of Michigan. 1976. Espenshade, T.J., The Economic Consequences of Divorce, Journal of Marriage and the Family, August 1979 Furstenberg, F.F. Divorce and the American Family, Annual Reviews in Sociology, Vol. 16:379-403, 1990 Hartson, J., Children with Two Homes: Creating Developmentally Appropriate Parenting Plans For Children Ages Zero to Two. American Journal of Family Law, 23(4), 191-199. Retrieved from Academic Search Elite database. 2010. Hoffman, S. Marital instability and the economic status of women, Demography, Vol. 14: 67-76, 1977. Kubler-Ross, E.,On Death and Dying, New York: Macmillan, 1969. Nicholson, K.,Quality of parent-child relationship, self-esteem, and the marital attitudes of African American and Hispanic young adults from divorced and intact families Psy.D., University of Hartford, 2006. Whiteside, M., Custody for children five years of age and younger. Family and Conciliation Courts Review 36, 479-502, 1998. Read More