The Importance of Emotions in the Development of a Human - Article Example

Connecting with One’s Self Post Seminar Assignment Course Title: Human Emotions Tutor – Eric. L. Dlugokinsky Student Name: Student Number: Date: “I believe my mentor gave me an important gift in teaching me to “be” with people without asking a lot of questions. I have gained greater acceptance of myself and others by practicing this process.”. (Dlugokinski undated, http://www.doctoreric.net/books/QnA/QnA-Intro.htm) Introduction The importance of emotions in the development of a human being it appears cannot be overstated. Healthy emotions aid the formation of a strong and positive personality, while unhealthy emotions appear to cause dysfunctional personalities in general. Therefore, an understanding of one’s own emotions and ways to handle them, direct them in a progressive manner is imperative in order to lead a fruitful existence. The book Caring Connections: without Co-Dependency (1990) by eminent psychologist and columnist in the Daily Oklahoman, Dr. Eric L. Dlugokinski, is an illuminating work that throws light on how one can strengthen one’s inner emotional ‘self’ through conscious inward analyses and determined action. As a licensed psychologist with over three decades of experience in the treatment and prevention of emotional disorders his works on Mental Health Education and Communication, are detailed with examples appropriately illustrating a point, and most importantly, easy-to understand. This essay shall briefly illustrate the important principles in the cultivation of healthy emotional adult relationships based on the above book of Dlugokinski. It shall also, discuss briefly the issues of empathy, compassion, and self-direction of people, with examples from both general and personal lives. In the process, it hoped to gain a deeper understanding of the complexities of emotional states, their potential to effectively limit or block relationships within one-self as well as with others, and how their patterns can be recognized and modified with conscious effort. The Two Relationships - with the Self and with Others Social relationships are an integral part of human communities. As such the every individual is a part of the society that he or she lives in, and is partially identified through it; however, the society in turn, consists of individuals who are its members, who sometimes give the community its identity, just as the above cultures were frequently identified with men like Homer, Plato and Aristotle. Thus, the relationship individuals build with others is significant. Equally important is another relationship – one which the individual builds within – with his or her own ‘self’. The confusion, disarray and disorganized pattern in which some people lead their lives, with addictions to alcohol, drugs, obsessive ambitions are but external symptoms of a improper establishment of relationship within one-self (Dlugokinski 1990, p. 3). The root cause of many of the present day ailments are anxiety, stress, fear, frustration, discontentment and the like. According to Dlugokinski (1990) when one is able to establish boundaries, set and strengthen certain healthier ways of relating to the self within and with others, it is more enriching and beneficial to both sides (pp.3-4). He pertinently points out that, “connecting with one’s self and treating one’s self with dignity and respect, seem to be the fundamental elements for resolving these crises” (Dlugokinski 1990, p. 4). This is because, the quality and texture of the relationship enjoyed is dependant on the kind of treatment that the relationship (with oneself and with others) is given. Unknowingly, or by tradition, one may have learned that relationship with others to be more important than with one’s self, or may have suffered in abusive relationships. Therefore, frequently it means unlearning what ever on has hitherto learned, and start from the beginning. This process though difficult, is important, since one has to overcome the unhealthy patterns that have been followed until now. Caring Connections and Co-dependency Dlugokinski (1990) cites Richard Bellingham and his fellow scientists delineating three kinds of connections, in order to have a sense of well-being, and fruitfulness; viz. a) connections with the self, b) connections with others and c) connections with a larger purpose or spiritual direction (p. 9). Dlugokinski (1990) stresses on the importance of striking a balance between the relationship between the self and others, since when the self of either party is ignored, then it results in one of the two being lost, over-helmed or uncared for. Thus, it is essential to understand what it means to develop ‘caring connections’ – which is healthy, while simultaneously distinguishing them from co- dependent relationships – which is unhealthy. Taking off from the definition of the term ‘co-dependence’ from Alcoholics Anonymous – the support group that helps alcoholics come out of their addiction, Dlugokinski (1990) further expands the scope of the term; he describes it as a ‘psychological identity problem” (p. 8). In a co-dependent relationship, one of the two individuals loses his/her relationship with his/her self, and then, boundaries between the individual and the other too disappears; thus even connecting with others (including spiritual connections) when there is no connection with one’s self, is unhealthy - in other words ‘co-dependence’ (Dlugokinski 1990, p. 9). To the contrary, boundaries are well-marked and well-maintained in healthy relationships, or caring connections, when one has a steadily established link with one’s self. With the relationship within oneself solidly established, and borders with others too become well-defined, one is able to relate well with others too, which paves the way to establish caring connections with others. When one has understood the need to value one self and think of one self as deserving, then personal connection with the self remains intact, and the person is more likely to value the other’s worth. Strong relationships nurture support and respect for delineating two distinct individuals and two distinct identities. For caring connectivity, the individual must develop connection with self, as this is essential for satisfying relations with others and in establishing meaningful social commitments; the inward strength supplies the individual to take a realistic approach to any given situation taking into account the advantages and the short-comings of one-self (Dlugokinski 1990, p. 9). Simba, Lion King - From Co-dependence to Caring Connections It may be appropriate here, to illustrate the difference between co-dependence and caring connections with some examples. In Walt Disney’s animated cartoon picture The Lion King (1994), the character of Simba - the young cub is a good example of one who is initially exhibits co-dependence. He is filled with low self-esteem and is even ready to kill himself since he is ‘blocked’ by the thought that he was in someway responsible for his father’s death. However, his two friends, Timon and Pumbaa - the meerkat and the wild boar, reach out to him and help him overcome his grief. Later his childhood sweetheart Nala, now a lioness, helps Simba overcome his co-dependent feeling of guilt – which was preventing Simba from establishing and strengthening his connection with his inner self. Nala empathizes with Simba, but the boundaries of a healthy connection are beautifully depicted there as she refuses to accept his inaction because of his guilt. She even ties to argue with him to make him realize his true identity, and connect with himself, and return to his pride as its rightful king. Samba refuses, but later, reflects on the events in his moments of solitude, to recover his trust in himself. The latter half of the movie depicts the young cub walking majestically filled with restored self-esteem and self-worth on the path to recovering his true identity, as the King of his pride. The recovered Simba is able to meet his mother without guilt and explain to her the precise sequence of his father’s death, thereby restoring (the hitherto avoided) healthy relationship with his mother. Simba is also shown as taking self-directed steps to plan his return to his fold. Though his friends Timon and Pumbaa help him and support him, there exists a healthy boundary in their relationship too with Simba, due to which they take the liberty to mock at him gently and advise him to come out of his despair. It should be noted that though Simba and all the characters in the movie are portrayed as wild animals, all of them are shown to possess human-being like traits and personalities. As such they possess human emotions like nobility, maternal and paternal love, affection, caring for environment, mercy, friendship, loyalty and love, on the positive side, and hatred, jealousy, cunning, treachery, revenge, guilt, remorse and the like on the negative side. Having given the illustration of Simba the Lion King, it is imperative to explain some issues of empathy, compassion, and self-direction, and the manner in which they help in the cultivation of healthy emotional relationships in adults. Empathy, Compassion, and Self-direction Dlugokinski in the latter part of his work Caring Connections: without Co-Dependency (1990) clearly elucidates the steps to be taken in order to embark on a journey towards forging caring connections and leading a life of fulfillment. It is important to bear in mind that, during this “recovery process” which is nothing but the “developmental process of regaining our person” one has to unlearn all the previous patterns and start afresh; this is because, the processes are often a part of working toward a new way of relating in our primary relationship or working through some traumatic incident in our past” (p. 59). Furthermore, Dlugokinski (1990) has drawn out the specifics to be followed by an individual aspiring to recover from co-dependant relationships (pp.61-81). They are 1) cultivating the habit of converting moments of solitude into moments of contentment 2) taking time to reflect and re-connect with self, even in social situations 3) planning ahead one’s own activities and agenda of action plan 4) break away from the shattering patterns of co-dependence and finally 5) grow, reach out and broaden your capacity and build more and more healthy connections. While learning to enjoy and cherish solitary time is imperative to self- reflection, and progress, one should not forget to connect with others either. However, in the process of connecting with others, there is the risk of losing one’s boundaries. Pausing in order to reassess and recollect the distinct boundaries is vital to healthy relations. While caring does include being empathetic about others feelings, it does not however mean total dissolution of identities between the individuals. Dlugokinski (1990) warns that, in order to continue to listen with empathy, one needs “to retain your [one’s] personal boundaries and separate your [one’s] emotional condition from theirs; failing which, one may be prone to “intrude on their condition and lose your capacity for closeness and acceptance” (p.66), just as Nala, Timon and Pumbaa did for Simba. One of my friend’s parents are both, accomplished violinists. Their only son (my friend) could not perfect his skills over this instrument, how much ever he tried. This caused deep resentment in his father; his mother suffered anxiety and fear regarding smooth relationship between the father and the son. My friend went into partial depression, while understood his plight and advised him to have a long and candid chat with his parents. I expressed my regrets to my friend and confessed that, irrespective of their response to the situation, put in his place, I would apologize to them, while at the same time gently but firmly reject the idea of becoming a violinist, citing inaptitude for the instrument. He thought about it, and explained his situation to his parents; slowly but steadily the started understanding his inability and their relationship soon improved Compassion is an integral part of such caring connections. It highlights the importance of sharing one’s personal experiences, and self in an intimate nurturing relationship. Communicating right is an essential part of this framework. Thus, one can forge more intimate caring connections by using personal statements starting with, for example, ‘I feel’ or ‘I think’ Frequently, in caring relationships, when one individual experiences discomfort or confusion, the other is affected too. However, the caring way to express one’s empathy and compassion for other person may be conveyed by using ‘I’ rather than you; since it helps the individual in discomfort to understand that the other person is supportive, and together with him/her in seeking a solution the problem compassionate manner (Dlugokinski 1990, p. 27). Compassion, however, appears to slightly relax the boundaries, as it may involve placing oneself in the situation of the affected other and gaining an understanding of the situation from that perspective. Spouses of war-heroes are given jobs in defense organizations on compassionate grounds. Self-direction is the most important and decisive step towards recovery. Self-direction is a personal planning that is worked out well in advance, in order to establish the path and direction for one’s own list of activities and the methodology to tap the right resources to execute it. This lays focus on one’s own life, instead of depending on manipulative behaviors of others. Since an individual is the at the best vantage position to assess one’s necessities and priorities, no one else work this plan for self-direction would arrive at a best balance to meet one’s needs and priorities. Dlugokinski (1990) calls it “a battle plan” because, it needs to be in a state of readiness, for defending the plan, and “battle distractions and diversions that could stop it from working. A battle plan is an assertive approach for our own life activities. It is not insensitive to the needs and wishes of others, but it considers them in the total perspective” (p. 73). The process of a student scheduling study hours, and preparing a time-table for covering all the portions of the syllabus, irrespective of the exams dates being announced is a good example of self-direction. Conclusion Human emotions are powerful tools that hold the potential to make or break people’s lives. It is necessary to build human relationships, with healthy emotions. In order to develop healthy relationships, on has to first connect with the self within. This done, the second step is establishment of the connection with others and connection with the spiritual purpose. However, in the absence of connection with the self, all other connections tend to become co-dependent. It is also essential to distinguish between co-dependency and caring connections. While the latter pave way for the self and the other to retain their respective identities in a relationship, in the first or co-dependent relationship, one of them is lost, and boundaries disappear, leading to unhealthy relationships. There is however a path to recovery, which entails specific norms to be followed. Most importantly, the hitherto learned patterns of co-dependency have to be unlearned, and healthy practices re-learned. Empathy, Compassion and Self-direction are important tools that enable healthy living. This study has been very rewarding and interesting to me, as it helped understand and connect to my – self, and overcome some of my personal inhibitions and fears. The study has enabled me a grasp of the consequences of co-dependency and the ways to win over them. References Dlugokinski, L Eric (1990). Caring Connections: without Co-Dependency. Feelings Factory, Inc. Raleigh. Pp. 1-81. Dlugokinski, L Eric (undated). The Introduction of Give Yourself the Answers Instead of Asking Questions. Online book retrieved on 5 April, 2008. http://www.doctoreric.net/books/QnA/QnA-Intro.htm Hahn, Don., & Allers, Roger., & Minkoff, Rob (1994). Lion King Walt Disney Pictures, USA. Read More