Making Marriage Work - Essay Example

Paper # 3- Marriage Paper- doc Making Marriage Work Full Mt. San Jacinto College, Menefee, CA Communication 103 Mrs. Berokoff This paper aims to examine the validity of the theories or concepts regarding intimate relationships presented by Gottman and Chapman and other sources discussed in class. This is achieved through an interview of a couple to whom I spoke with about their relationship and examine how true our discussions are as applied in their relationship and what the couple used or did not use in their relationship to make things work for them. The subject of this study is a couple, Grace and Carl who have been married for sixteen years whom I consider to be my friends. I called Carl asking if I could meet them at their house knowing that they are both busy with their jobs and children, and requesting them to spare me at least thirty minutes for the interview to which they gladly agreed to. Carl and Grace are, a common couple who sought out to develop a relationship with each other looking out for attributes they considered important to a relationship. Though circumstances in their jobs brought them together, things did not come to them as a result of the situation but they both purposefully looked out for the things they wanted in a partner. The criteria they used in the development of their relationship are appearance, similarity, complementary, reciprocal attraction and matching hypothesis. These are evident as their answers during the interview will give light to what they think about themselves and their relationship. According to the couple, the primary measure they looked for in finding the right partner was physical appearance. Grace says she wants her partner to be good looking and well-dressed, meaning he is educated and has the means to provide for his personal needs. Carl on the other hand is just like any other man who sought to have a girlfriend with aesthetic qualities not only on the face and shape but on the inside as well. Both claim to have been physically attracted to each other the time they were introduced by mutual friends and they considered and hoped seeing each other again. Carl thought her new found friend might just be the perfect match for him because they are both independent and working on the same level of business so that he made the effort of taking Grace’s phone number to which the lady thankfully responded positively so that the former was able to get in touch with her in the following days. When they first dated, Carl and Grace found out that they have similar interests and beliefs. They both were involved in sports; Carl loves to play basketball while Grace plays lawn tennis. They are both active people, not wanting to be bound at home by a partner or any other thing like children and chores, not that they are not willing to do household jobs but they believe their lives would be more exciting and fulfilling if they have a variety of activities. Of course they also have their differences but they look at their distinguishing features on a positive light, finding them to be complementary of what the other lacks (Fitzpatrick). For instance, Carl loves food and loves to cook, which Grace praises so much because she claims not to distinguish a pan from a pot which is of course an understatement to her culinary knowledge. Carl on the other hand is the forgetful type of guy and is always thankful for having a loving wife who patiently finds time to work an extra hour listing her husband’s schedules and needed materials, arranging them in a fashion that Carl could not just miss to notice. Carl claims to have found the notes placed by Grace in his wallet every now and then, reminding him of their children’s birthdays, schedule of activities and other meetings especially when work calls most of his time for travel, being a businessman. Deciding to get married was such an easy task for the couple at the time they agreed to stay together forever because they were so in love and found each other the right persons. Grace says Carl had all the important features she liked in a future partner so that she did not think twice when Carl proposed to her. The man on the other hand thought there could be no other woman who could satisfy him both in bed and in his other needs like care and love but Grace, so that he really got hooked up with her and jokingly said he had no other choice but to get the best. In less than a year, they were getting ready for their wedding which was attended by family and friends only. They always wanted their wedding to be simple but very memorable which came true on November 28, Grace’s birthday which was followed by a short vacation in Hawaii, enjoying the warmth of the place and the people. The calming effect of the beaches were just wonderful that it made the couple feel like they were in paradise with nothing to worry about but just to enjoy life together. The first few years of the marriage brought no problems or so they thought, probably because they were just so attached and attracted to each other that they did not have time to look for anything to worry about. On the fourth year of their marriage, a baby made a great change in their schedules and activities. Grace was not able to go out as much as she used to and Carl was not used to listening to a crying baby all night that he started coming home even later than usual, claiming he then did not see anymore the Grace he wanted to arrive home to. When yelling and fighting started, Grace made the first move of speaking to her husband about hiring a maid so they could still have time for each other and do the things they want to do. The plan was wonderful to Carl but financial constraint was another issue they had to face, having bills to pay and a new baby’s needs to support. However, the couple did not like to compromise their relationship to the changes brought about by a gift, their baby. This made them decide to work things out, helping each other with things they can do at home and working hard enough to provide for the family’s needs. This is the most trying time they both consider to easily come to mind because they really felt the difficulty when they experienced having one complete family, realizing the great responsibility there is in raising a child. Though the couple did not study about relationships as a part of an academic program, they did their best to study relationships of other people and reflect on their own relationship, making it work in the long run. Without knowing about Gottman’s principles, Grace used one of his principles for fighting fair which is making repair attempts and learning to receive them (1995). She claims to have been blessed to have a partner who was willing to work things out with her for the sake of a successful relationship. Carl, on the other hand, realized his responsibility as a father and a husband and decided to help Grace in the changes they were both experiencing. Learning to adjust has been difficult but it made them feel more matured not only in providing for the family’s needs especially to Carl but more so in being fulfilled and more focused in the family. Being willing to accept each other’s faults and adjust one’s self to accommodate the other was not all easy but it sure made things easier when the second baby arrived. The couple actually used ‘solve your solvable problems’ concept while it was still on its early stage which was a good thing because they did not wait for it to become a large issue and difficult to deal with before attempting to work on it. They also turned to each other with the woman making the first attempt which could have been difficult for her but proved to be an advantage because it seemed it was all that Carl have been waiting for him to see where he stands. Although it was not Carl who made the first move, his character was still admirable because he did not turn away from Grace’s concerns but looked to the same direction with her, supporting her. One of the strongest things Carl claims to have helped him in seeing through the eyes of Grace was the respect he had for her knowing that she was the witty kind of woman who thinks deeply about things and cares a lot. He had thoughts of leaving his wife when things were not easy on him but the woman’s positive affects on him bugged his conscience, he was not able to push through with his plans until the time things became better as he yielded to be changed along the process. Carl and Grace are an independent couple (Fitzpatrick) who have an unspoken deal of giving each other the room to be themselves, not being forced to do one thing or another but given the freedom to choose what each love to do. They may be this type of couple but not all of what the author said about such couples is true in them. For instance, Fitzgerald sees an independent couple to have no marital satisfaction but to Carl and Grace, they consider satisfaction an important factor to making a relationship work. Having an education, Grace does not like to be the traditional type of wife who stays at home to do the household chores and look after the child but she is one who seeks to use her resources to providing for her personal needs. Carl on the other hand is not the controlling type of husband but he says he values the beliefs and desires of his partner, allowing her to have the fullest person she could have by being fulfilled as a wife, mother and career woman. Things, they say, were not easy for them in keeping their relationship intact but they were able to make things work through hard work and a lot of understanding. In summary, looking at the life of the couple who have been married for sixteen years, a pretty admirable achievement at this generation where divorce is rampant, is an inspiration one could look up to and know that there is hope in making relationships work. Communication is indeed one of the most important factors that keep a relationship on fire because this could also be a sign for a failing one. Constant communication lets the couple know each other even better and allow them to admire characteristics they have not seen during the dating period. However, allowing one’s self to be influenced by his/her partner is another important factor a couple has to consider if they want a successful relationship because talking will just end up to fights if the couple will not be able to agree in their beliefs and principles. Modern couples are now faced with more challenges as they deal with the growing demands of children’s needs and personal needs to keep the marriage intact. These pose a problem to couples which if not resolved, can end up in separation. This then demands all the more communication between couples to keep themselves always be reminded that there is ‘us’ and they are not living separate lives even if work and other circumstances bring them apart for a while. It should not matter if the communication will bring some disagreements along the way, but what is important is that, the couple will come to realize and resolve their problems as we have seen in the video. Fighting should not be something a couple should fear about because this does not mean to say the situation can get worse which might end in divorce. It actually could be helpful if the couple learn to use fights to their advantage. When a person is emotionally affected, s/he tends to say things that could hurt the other person but are usually true though never could be said when all is well because they know they will hurt the other. However, in such a case, bringing out hurts could help in the mending process and if the person involved is open-minded, it would be helpful when a positive change is desired. Though negatively expressed, it still is a part of communication to which the couple has to work together to resolve problems whether great or small. References Berokoff, T. 2011. Lecture Notes. Mount San Jacinto College. IPC 103. Fitzpatrick, M.A. 1998. Between Husbands and Wives: Communication in Marriage. Newbury Park, California: Sage. Gottman, John. 1995. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. USA: Simon and Schuster. Last name, first name Producer, & Last name, first name Director. (Date). Title of video. Place of production: Company. Read More