Boundaries with Kids by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend - Book Report/Review Example

 Boundaries with Kids by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend Introduction The book “Boundaries with Kids” is written by the two American authors; Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. The book basically describes the different situations and circumstances that come up in a parent-child relationship. It teaches parents how to go about in training their children to become respectable people in the future. The book is divided into a number of ideas; why kids need boundaries, ten boundary principles kids need to know, implementing boundaries with kids, etc. It is important to elucidate to the younger, fragile generation as to what they should do and what they should not. Teach them about the facts of life and how fierce it may become if we fail to comprehend its beauties in a positive manner. In addition, monotonous environment, tantrums and too much affection can spoil a child just the way too many cooks can spoil the broth. Therefore, children should be taught to be thankful, appreciative and honest at all times. In cases where they cannot make their own decisions, it is of course our foremost duty as elders to help them make the right decisions in life, by patiently listening to their problems and encouraging them to come up with the right solutions to them. The cover page describes the main idea of the book really well.“Boundaries with kids” is about “When to say YES and when to say NO to help your children gain control of their lives” (Cloud and Townsend, 1998). In this Big Idea Paper, we will summarize the five main ideas given by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend, understanding each one in detail as we go along. The Need of Boundaries The Authors believe that children of the present era need boundaries. However, they should neither be left wholly to themselves nor be treated like delicate crystal showpieces. It is important for the parents to make the little ones realize that their future is theirs. In order to build a brighter future, they must start preparing for it as soon as possible; at a very young age. This book does not only provide guidance to parents but also to all other elders who come across dealing with kids and are a part of the kids’ lives; teachers, nurses, nannies, coaches, all alike. If the elders understand the matter, their young ones will be better equipped to deal with the problems they might face in their future lives. Children need to be taught to learn to accept and take up responsibilities for their own selves. It is therefore necessary to start with the idea related to their character building for the future. Hence, all of us as parents, guardians, teachers etc, need to realize the importance of these boundaries. At the same time, children should also be taught the importance of character building, as this serves as a major factor throughout their lives. Also, children are more productive and creative when they have a certain level of boundaries. It makes them feel secure and complete. After all, when we teach them to learn to fend for themselves, we should also accept it if they act aloof at times and show the need for space. However, a close eye should still be kept on them, as it is certainly a bad idea to let them take care of their selves on their own without keeping a close check on them at all times. Everything needs to be measured. It is indeed true that we need to teach our kids to be responsible, but that does not mean that we totally leave them independent, with negativities of the world all around them. They should be taught the difference between what is right and what is wrong, what will yield good results for them in the future and what will prove hazardous. Thus, it is our duty as elders to teach them about life, telling them about our experiences and what we went through at various stages of our lives to help them be mature, independent people in the future. In order to implement boundaries with kids, we as their guiding light should correct ourselves first. If we ourselves are a confused creation, kids naturally will come to know. After correcting our own selves, we must teach the kids the consequences of all good or bad things they might do, or intend to do, in the future. It is also ultra necessary to establish a good supportive relationship between ourselves and the others around us. For example, if there is a conflict of trust between the parents, the child will not listen to any of his parents and will eventually grow up to be a confused, frustrated human being with nothing but disturbing memories etched in his brain. Another major factor is regarding “treat others the way you want to be treated” (Cloud and Townsend, 1998), if children see that their elders are rude or display a tendency to lie and be hypocritical, they will follow the same set of useless rules. Therefore, every situation needs to be dealt with 100% truth, honesty, mutual agreement and understanding, for our own betterment in the coming decades. “Remember, parenting has to do with more than the present. You are preparing your child for the future. A person’s character is one’s destiny”. (Cloud and Townsend, 1998, 14) Understanding the Child; Sowing and Reaping Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud also illustrate the importance of understanding the child. The child psychology is an advanced field that needs to be clear in the minds of the readers. Therefore, those who have once been children themselves should not forget how they used to feel in different circumstances all through their infancy till their adulthood. We learn a lesson every day, but we need not forget what we have learned as we grow older. It is also essential to observe and remember what the child must feel in a particular situation. As the children are not as experienced as us, we need to be their gurus for some time, till they learn to fend for themselves. For example, taking drastic steps in order to force your child to do something that you want him to do despite his lack of willingness to do it will only trigger more aggression, and aggression once triggered is very difficult to suppress. If a child shows disregard for someone, it is not reasonable to be hard on the child and force him to respect the other person. Ponder upon the facts; try to reason what the cause of this disregard is, who knows the third person might be a bad influence for the child. After all, not everyone around us can be trusted. Sometimes children tend to be driven away from a person only if he acts in an indecent manner. Always encourage the child to talk but don’t make him talk against his will. Make an environment where your kid feels he can share his thoughts with you. Share your thoughts with him as well. Tell him what you know and what you wish to know about him. Ask light questions, as they will slowly open him up if he seems confused or feels insecure due to any person or thing or situation that might be bothering him. “Continuing to ask them to let you know what is bothering them and requiring them to express their feelings is helpful”. (Cloud and Townsend, 1998, 201) One major rule that helps in personality formation and development of character is the ‘consequence’. We have to follow this rule as an obligatory duty. Teaching the child what can happen and what is bound to happen as a result of anything that he might do is mandatory. The knowledge and acceptance of different kinds of consequences will help the child or the teenager to evaluate how he should go about in a certain situation. This can be explained by using the example of school. If the child tells you that another boy in his class cheated on a test and got an A and that he plans to use the same strategy; discourage him at the very moment. Tell him that such an attitude will ruin your whole productive capacity and in turn, your entire life. Discuss with him the consequences of getting taught while cheating as well. Suspension from school would be the worst thing that could happen to a developing personality. “As you sow so shall you reap” was the proverb we grew up on. Never try to harm others in any way. A slap, a swear word, or even a disgusted look can become a lifelong memory and when you hurt someone today, someone is sure to hurt you in the future. This principle is vital while growing up. Thus when kids know and understand the consequences, they will always think before they go out and do something reprehensive. Parents too should follow this rule and cast an example on their offspring if they wish to expect the same sober attitude from them. Responsibility and Power According to “Boundaries with Kids”, children need to be taught about responsibility and power. It is essential in the first place for us to understand responsibility and then teach the kids all about it. They need to learn what is fruitful and what is useless for them in order to accept responsibility and use it well. We have to explain to them how to live life without wholly depending upon others for help. By doing this, we will provide them with a considerable degree of self confidence which will help them be better people in the future. Relying on others is good, especially when you are young and are going through the learning process. However, it is not acceptable if you still fail to make your own decisions even after you have reached adulthood and are an independent person. The development of the sense of responsibility is a quality that very less people possess today. If a mother has a 5 year old son and another one is born, the older son must be taught that he will now have to do many things himself, that previously his parents used to do for him. Treating him like an older person can do the trick. A good way would be, “I know you can do it now that you are five years old. You are a big brother now” such encouraging sentences work wonders. By teaching them responsibility at a tender age, these children will stay responsible forever and will always tend to act in a positive way. Power is another main rule that children need to learn. Parents and other elders that they come across must make kids understand that while they are little, all decision making authorities are for the elders. While teaching them to be responsible, we should also make them understand that we as elders are strong and experienced enough to know all that they need to know. Also, in the example given above, when a mother teaches her elder son to be responsible, she must be careful not to rely too much on the child. He might start to think too independent of himself and go about committing wrong acts. Tell him that even though you cannot handle each and every task while taking care of a little baby, you are not helpless or that you will become so without the older son’s help. Power to teach all that needs to be taught about life to these young kids is vested in the elders and elders alone. This is because elders have observed, understood, experienced and lived in the world for decades more than the younger generation. To create a clear image of responsibility and power, parents and guardians should neither be too lenient nor too hard on the kids. Neutral and diplomatic is always the best idea to go about in any sort of circumstances. Respect, Motivation and Activity The other three rules for a better future can be taught by teaching the kids respect, motivation and activity. Respecting others is the key to a respectable life. Motivation is necessary for success and activities help to open up our minds to the vast knowledge around us. In order to teach the children to respect others, the elders must also show respect to each other to cast a positive impression on the kids. If the child grows up in a tense environment, always on the verge of hot arguments and fights on petty matters, he will too involuntarily learn to do so. Therefore, maintaining a peaceful and respectful environment is the first thing that should be done because it is solely respect that attracts people towards you and increases your goodwill when you face the world later on in life. As elders and teachers, we need to motivate the children to accomplish their goals, no matter how little they are. Encouragement and motivation at an early stage will lead to fantastic results in the future. If the child seems to be confused about a matter and needs guidance, it is essential that we talk to him about the consequences and show him the light at the end of the tunnel. However, be gentle and do not unnecessarily push him toward the task either. They must be given opportunities to try out different things in life and learn from their experiences, thus giving them a chance to discover new things every day. For example, many kids find it fun to write on the walls. In this case, they should not be scolded but given a particular corner on the wall to display their ideas as well. Getting them a chalk board would also be a very good idea for this purpose. Although some activities may be dangerous, but scaring your kids away just because they might injure their knees or elbows is not the way to go about. It is true that children go to school and perform many activities under their teachers’ guidance, but learning from home is also essential for their development and also for the parent-child bonding. Performing some of these activities with the children also proves to be very helpful in forming their character and personality. Evaluation and Thankfulness The children must be taught to consider each and every situation and make their own evaluation regarding that particular situation. They should be taught that blessings may at times prove to be hidden behind difficulties. Life is not like a bed of roses and everything happens for a reason. These rules need to be understood with clarity. In order to make kids stronger and mature, they must be taught that pain and depression can yield positive results in the long run. Before jumping to conclusions, one must clearly make up his mind as to what he needs to do and for what reason. Also, expected results must be calculated. If a child, teenager for instance, asks his father if he can get a pet dog, he must be made to realize what he will have to do for the dog and that he will need to take care of the dog as well as himself on his own. He should be asked to think over and decide if he can actually do that or not. Thankfulness, although discussed at the end of this paper, is the most important of all attributes that children need to be taught. Envying others or feeling jealousy towards others will only harm themselves. We should also help them realize this by displaying a thankful attitude towards everyone around us. An example would be of a child who wants to get a remote-controlled helicopter just because his friend has one. This child should be talked to and told patiently that he is so much better off than the less-privileged kids who do not even get a candy bar to eat and thus he should be thankful towards God and also towards his parents and teachers. Conclusion The book “Boundaries with Kids” is a highly recommended book and I believe every parent and guardian and teacher should take out some time to read it. Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend not only give comprehensive exemplary stories but also relate them to our everyday lives. This book provides an ideal written set of ideas that can be used and practiced by everyone who wishes to lead a better and more accurately managed life ahead. Cloud and Townsend wrote this book in 1998, basing it on their own experiences and analysis, to teach others to master the art of parenting and guardianship by keeping the child psychology in mind. The book tells us clearly as to what we should do and how we should go about while dealing with sensitive young brains. These sensitive minds will be our future mentors so treating them with care and teaching them each and every aspect of life is absolutely necessary. It is our duty to teach them respect, thankfulness, responsibility, truthfulness, consequential analysis and proactivity as we go along in our endeavor to turn them into caring, successful and compassionate human beings of the future. As per the book; “boundaries play an important role in managing. Setting limits and requiring the child to take ownership ad responsibility entail a clear understanding of boundaries”. (Cloud and Townsend, 1998, 21) References: Cloud, H and Townsend, J.S. (1998), Boundaries with Kids, http://books.google.com Read More