A Psychological Examination of Why We Choose Who We Choose and How We Relate in Love - Literature review Example

A Psychological Running head: THE PSYCHOLOGY OF LOVE A Psychological Examination of Why We Choose Who We Choose and How We Relate in Love of Client Name of University Name of Class A Psychological 2 A Psychological Examination of Why We Choose Who We Choose and How We Relate in Love In an attempt to win the love of a woman of whom he was completely enamored, the famous impressionist painter Vincent Van Gogh, “cut off the lower half of his left ear and took it to a brothel, where he asked for a prostitute named Rachel and handed the ear to her, asking her to “keep this object carefully” (Schultz, 2005). Love can create some of the most bizarre and unreasonable behavior that humankind will exhibit in comparison to any other topic. Love will change the course of a life and will lead to a journey of self-discovery that could not be imagined without it coming into one’s life. In looking at the way in which men and women choose their mates, the study of love and attraction poses fascinating psychological revelations. As one looks at the aspects of attraction and the reasons or choosing one man over another, it is significant to first look at the physiology of sexual attraction. The basic needs that men and women seek in looking for a mate are based on biological imperatives. Sternberg and Barnes (1988) state that “females value males with resources and males value females who appear to be able to have children”( p. 116).Initially, attraction can be observed in biological responses that the body will display. Steve Harvey (2009), in his book Act like a lady, think like a man: What men really think about love, relationships, intimacy, and commitment, reinforces this in describing the forces behind what drives a man in his life. He says that men are driven by “who they are, what they do, and how much they make” (Harvey and Milner, 2009, p. 11). The way in which women are driven to be more conscious of their looks, while men are driven to succeed in A Psychological 3 order to be able to provide is an indicator of the basic biology that defines attraction. One of the growing sectors of study is in finding the human pheromones that can act as attractants between the sexes. Androstenol, according to Quirk (2006), is found “at the base of every male hair follicle, especially under the arm and in the pubic region” (p. 124). He also states that in order for the pheromones to work, a couple must get close and stay in close proximity. “Pheromones are designed to secure pair bonds and prepare women for intercourse and ovulation”(Quirk, 2005, p. 125). However, the biology of attraction can also be defined by hormonal interactions within the brain that drive behavior. Helen Fisher (2005), in her book, Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love, discusses the way in which dopamine and norepinephrine interact during courtship. Dopamine levels raise when one is near someone that promotes a response of attraction. The feeling of ecstasy that is associated with this feeling which can be associated with “energy, hyperactivity, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, trembling, a pounding heart, accelerated breathing, and sometimes mania, anxiety or fear”(Fisher, 2005, p. 52). Dopamine can also be held responsible for the tendencies that can be experienced toward obsessive behaviors which can lead to a certain amount of inappropriate reactions when a relationship appears to be dissolving. As well, Fisher (2005), notes that low levels of serotonin can contribute to these obsessive reactions. There is a “negative relationship between serotonin and its relatives, dopamine and norepinephrine, As levels of dopamine and norepinephrine climb, they can cause serotonin levels to plummet. This could explain why a lover’s increasing romantic ecstasy actually intensifies the A Psychological 3 compulsion to daydream, fantasize, muse, ponder, obsess about a romantic partner” (p. 55). According to work done by Dr. Marazziti, a professor of Psychiatry, at the University of Pisa, other levels of hormones, like serotonin and oxytocin change early within a romance, but return to normal after some time has passed (Kahn, 2004). These forms of change can explain the extremity of behavior that can be seen during the first phases of a relationship. While this is associates with the newness of a relationship, these changes can lead to poor choices when a continued arousal in these hormones is observed. The natural inclination is for the levels to equalize. However, as much as the biological responses to pheromones and to the hormonal changes are important in the search for a mate, it is the mystery of that connection that drives humans to distraction and incites psychologists and layman to write lengthy explanations for how to find love. According to Fisher (2005), “The more we learn about the biology of romance, (and lust and attachment), the more I believe we will come to appreciate the role of culture and experience in directing human behavior - and the more we will need to address these - and many other conflicts of ethics and responsibility.”(p. 219). However, she also states that “of one thing I am convinced, no matter how well scientists map the brain and uncover the biology of romantic love, they will never destroy the mystery or ecstasy of this passion” (p. 219). In her search to create a template in order to define attraction, anthropologist Helen Fisher has designed four categorizations of personality types that can be used to distinguish the way in which men and women are attracted to one another. In creating a A Psychological 5 study of how people choose mates, she decided that each person can be put into four main categories of personality, the Explorer, the Builder, the Director and the Negotiator, . Fisher (2009) states that “all Explorer, Builders, Directors and Negotiators are not alike” (p. 25) although the way in which attraction is defined by similarities and compliments within a relationship can be boiled into these four categories of personality. Explorers tend to be ‘sensation seekers‘ (p. 43), living in a way that explores the world and is somewhat unafraid to try new things. Builders are traditionalists. The builder seeks to be “relaxed, social, interested in home and family, community-oriented, conscientious and cautious” (p. 64). A director tends to be “Analytical, logical and direct” (p. 89). While a negotiator is philosophical and approaches the world on an emotional level as they “find patterns in the data they collect. They read between the lines. They assemble facts, combine categories, unite opposites, and focus on the larger concepts and principles these data suggest” (p. 105). In assembling these personality categories, Fisher (2009) also discusses how these personality types can be combined. While she admits that the concept is not perfect, she has established ways in which these personalities relate to one another and on what level the relationship becomes connected and in tune. As Fisher identifies these types and creates profiles for their personality traits, it still does not clarify attraction because of the unknown factor that puts two people in a place within their relationship so that they are able to create a commitment to each other. The reason that one relationship will fizzle while another will flourish is still not quantifiable. The way in which men and women approach a relationship not only differs in A Psychological 6 what they are seeking, but also in what they expect. Harvey (2009) discusses the way in which men love as it compares to the way in which women love as it develops through the needs that they expect to fulfill. Harvey (2009) says that what a man will offer when he feels love are “The Three Ps of Love - Profess, Provide and Protect” (p. 36). When he is in love, he has no problem telling people about a woman. As well, he will concern himself with the resources that he has to offer. He will protect a woman that he loves from anything that crosses her path and suggests a threat. That protective instinct will drive him to provide and to establish his claim on her. What a man needs in a relationship, Harvey (2009) states is “support, love, and “The Cookie” (p. 39). ’The Cookie’ as Harvey refers to it, is sex. What a man is seeking is very basic compared to the complexity of needs that a woman will seek in a relationship. According to John Gray in his book, Men are from Mars, women are from Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex, the complexity of a woman’s emotional life creates an ever changing list of needs and constant increase and decrease of how those needs need to be addressed. Gray (2004) says that “A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really, good she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down” (p. 120). In understanding this wave of needs that a woman will experience, a man can better understand that, while her love never wavers, her need to experience that love is dependant on where her emotional life sits at any given time. According to Gray (2004), “A woman’s ability to give and receive love is generally a reflection of how she is feeling A Psychological 7 about herself”(p. 121). Dr Laura Schlessinger discusses the way in which what a woman needs and wants from a man clashes with what he is truly capable of giving. Schlessinger (2004) says that “women do tend to have largely unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of their men. This happens when women don’t accept or respect the unique masculine qualities and quirks of men” (p. 92). These two opposing forces create a tension that is ever present between men and women. While Schlessinger suggests that the needs of women must compromise to the ‘quirks’ of men, and Gray suggests that this wave of emotion exists within women, who would not choose it if given a choice, one must wonder how these relationships are ever successful. The male needs during love, and ultimately marriage, are more emotional than what women may realize. Fisher (2009) says that “Men fall in love faster than women do”(p. 220). However, it might be accurate to suggest that they don’t fall in love as often, which may make it appear as if they don’t fall in love easily. Harvey (2009) describes the way in which his attention may not be as needy as a woman might desire by saying that “a man who is in love with you is probably not going to call you every half hour and give you an update on how much more he loves you at 5:30 p.m. than he did at 5:0 p.m. (p. 21). As Schlessinger quotes from one of the men she interviewed when asked what he needed from a wife as saying , “For me it is to FEEL in my heart that someone truly cares for me and loves me; that I am immensely important to her. I can only get this through my wife’s actions. Words area whisper, but what she does for me is thunder”(p. 90). However, as the many millennia that mankind has successfully reproduced and proliferated proves, the relationships between men and women do work. Ultimately, the A Psychological 8 goals are more similar than the differences can deter. According to Fisher (2009), “If men overestimate a woman’s sexual interest, women underestimate a mans willingness to commit” (p. 220). As much as a man is interested in sex, he is also interested in commitment and the benefits he will receive from this relationship. Fisher (2009) presents three aspects of love that come together to form the male/female dynamic of monogamous relationships. She states that “The sex drive motivates us to seek sex with a range of partners; romantic love predisposes us to focus our mating energy on just one individual at a time; and feelings of deep attachment inspire us to stay with a partner long enough to raise our children as a team” (p. 221). In choosing a mate, one must first contend with the biological responses that are evident during those initial phases of attraction. The hormonal secretions will create a series of responses that can lead two people toward a connection. As the relationship develops, personality traits will take over in helping to create a balance between the couple. As in Helen Fisher’s categorization so personality traits, the couple will begin to explore what is different and what is the same in order to create the best possible harmony in within which to build a family life. The next step is to learn how best to serve each other’s needs as husband and wife, fulfilling the biological, emotional, and physical needs that are central to the strength of the relationship. By understanding that there are differences, the male and female within the couple can learn how best to counterbalance the needs with fulfillment. However, these opposing emotional needs would serve a purpose within the relationship and have developed in order to keep a strong pairing. Still, these differences can create problems A Psychological 9 that may prolong or stagnate a relationship in a way that is frustrating. Harvey (2009), when discussing relationships that cannot seem to get to the engagement phase states that there are three possible reasons for this “(1) he is still married to someone else; (2) you’re really not the one he wants; or, the real answer you don’t want to hear, (3) you haven’t required him to marry you or set a date” (p. 195). The only viable solution is to create the expectation, and understand that staying when that expectation will not be met means that the relationship is not the right situation. In other words, if a man is not willing to protect a woman within the commitment of formal marriage, it is very possible that he is not actually in love. The need to protect promotes the need to have the commitment formalized so that there is not question by anyone what woman and man belong to one another, The becomes part of his need to profess his love. The way in which men and women relate is complicated and with a multitude of variables. The complexity of women and the simple nature of men clashes within the emotional life of a relationship, but those two aspects support the way in which they are able to successfully interact when respect is used from both members of the union. As the biological imperatives promote reproduction, the pair has a balance that can meet the challenges that parents will face as they raise their children as a couple. According to Fisher (2009), “We are born to love” and within the aspects of the sex drive, romantic love, and attachment (p. 221), the way in which the relationship will develop has a continuity that supports the reproductive imperatives. Within the heterosexual relationship, the celebration of the differences between men and women create the structure of marriage, family and a fulfilling life. A Psychological 10 References Barnes, M. L., & Sternberg, R. J. (1988). The Psychology of love. New Haven: Yale University Press. Fisher, H. E. (2005). Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love. New York: Henry Holt and Co. Fisher, H. E. (2009). Why him? why her?: Finding real love by understanding your personality type. New York: H. Holt. Gray, J. (2004). Men are from Mars, women are from Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex. New York: HarperCollins. Harvey, S., & Millner, D. (2009). Act like a lady, think like a man: What men really think about love, relationships, intimacy, and commitment. New York: Amistad. Kahn, J. (2004), “A Matter of Chemistry”, Health, October, 2004 Quirk, J. (2006). Sperm are from men, eggs are from women: The real reason men and women are different. Philadelphia: Running Press. Schlessinger, L. (2004). The proper care and feeding of husbands. New York: HarperCollins. Schultz, W. T. (2005). Handbook of psychobiography. Oxford: Oxford University Press. Read More