Children and Divorce - Essay Example

 Children and Divorce Introduction Just a few decades ago, the idea of divorce was something which was largely alien to society as the occurrence as well as the incidence of divorce was rare. The divorce rates have been climbing steadily in recent times and it seems that fewer people are willing to live with the decisions they made when they made up their minds to get married to another person (Weitzman, 1985). However, many divorces take place once the couple has had children and therefore, the process of the divorce, custody, child support and even the means by which the children are kept by one parent or another can be quite complex. Beyond that, a divorce always has an impact on the children and that impact may be quite negative in certain cases (Amato and Keith, 1991). An understanding of the issues surrounding divorce and children thus becomes very important for all students of psychology, sociology and even education. Children and Divorce The ideas concerning divorce have gone through tremendous change overtime yet it seems strange that certain myths about divorces and their impact on children continue to exist even though the reality may be quite the opposite. Contemporary viewpoints about divorce and children who come from families that have undergone a divorce show us that in many ways, a divorce between the parents is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. Clandos et. al. (2007, Pg. 1) note that, “Many children go through their parents’ divorce with relatively few problems or permanent negative effects”. This is because it may be healthier for a child to live in a violence and hostility free environment rather than a house which is filled with anxiety and abuse. However, there is a large body of evidence which shows that divorce has a negative impact on children. It is noted by (Wee, 2007) that the idea of a strong and supportive family structure is important for the human psyche. The notion of family in some form or the other has been present in almost all societies that evolved to develop structures for managing social groups. Of course, there have been differences in how families are arranged; the idea of a mother, a father and other members of the family has remained strong in many different cultures. Even the ancient Asian thinkers such as Confucius and Hsun Tzu noted the importance of having a supportive family. When this supportive family is taken away from a child, the natural result may be anxiety, anger, depression and even a sense of worthlessness (Clandos et. al., 2007). Western thought on the importance of family has not been very different from the Asian example since the family unit has been given considerable importance by many prominent thinkers (Forbes, 2005). As discussed by Cashmore and Maclachlan (2008), western philosophy about the family structure and the idea of divorce itself has been strongly affected by the Judeo-Christian notions of what a family should be therefore the idea of the modern nuclear family has found strong roots in nations like America, Canada and the UK. Of course, the idea of getting a divorce may be an individual choice but it is still considered by many to have a negative impact on all concerned parties. This is because divorce of the parents is a traumatic event for the children. The level of trauma is measured by the experience which the children have of the event and not just the divorce itself. For example a divorce which is amicable and allows some sort of continuity with regard to the relationship between both children and the parent may not be quite as traumatic as a bitter divorce in which both parents are hostile towards each other (Clandos et. al., 2007). In fact, depending on the reaction of the children, children within the same family may have very different emotional reactions when it comes to the changes in their life as a result of the divorce (Amato and Keith, 1991). The parents have a critical role to play here since the actions of the parents can put the children through emotional trauma or guide them towards dealing with their problems in a healthy manner. Emotional Impact This trauma has been known to cause depression and high level of anxiety for children whose parents have undergone a divorce. The effects of the divorce related trauma may be exhibited at the time of the separation, during conflict over the divorce or even years later once the divorce is done with. There are also particularly difficult periods of the year where the children may miss the complete family that they had such as weekends, birthday celebrations and even religious holidays. To prevent the children from going through a trauma with regard to their parents getting a divorce, there are several recommendations made by experts on the subject. The first amongst these is to show the children honesty and discuss the potential impact of the divorce on them with regard to their emotions (Clandos et. al., 2007). Children that show signs of emotional withdrawal may be more emotionally traumatized than children who openly show that they are upset. The parents should encourage the child to describe and express the emotions they are going through so that comfort and assurances can be given to them when they need them. Children who go through a divorce may also feel that their life choices are being taken away from them and a feeling of loss of control may be quite strong. In such cases, children would need to be given choices whenever it is possible so as to increase their sense of having power over their own lives. These choices may include healthy food choices, clothing options and other opportunities that let them make selections for their positive growth. Other family members, friends and even councilors can be used to provide the support needed by the child. This helps in maintaining a sense of continuity for the child since relationships may have been formed with members of both sides of their families (Weitzman, 1985). The continual support coming from the relationships formed before the divorce can go a long way towards helping children deal with the trauma that comes after the divorce. The sense of continuity can also be developed through structured living where meal times and bedtimes are stabilized along with educational activities and entertainment. During the divorce, arguments between the parents may be a natural element but arguments that take place in front of the children can have a very negative impact on how the children deal with the divorce in emotional terms (Weitzman, 1985). Parents should not talk with the children about details of any negative behavior shown by the other party and it should be shown to the children that the relationship between the parents is amicable. Parents should try to be polite to each other during and after the divorce (Clandos et. al., 2007). In fact, the emotional stability of the parents can lead to the child being better able to cope with the divorce itself (Amato and Keith, 1991). Impacts on Development Undoubtedly, many children with inquisitive minds will have a lot of questions about why the divorce is taking place and what will happen after the divorce. It is important for the parents to be completely honest, but not be critical of their partners. Depending on the age of the children who are going through the trauma as well as the reasons for why the divorce is taking place, this reasons given to the children will need to be formed carefully. As children become more mature, they will most likely want more information about the events that took place and it should be given to them with honesty without damaging the image of either parent involved (Everett, 1989). It is important for both parents to be supportive and be present when any discussion is had with the child regarding the arrangements during and after the divorce. The children may need continual reminders that they are loved by both parents and that the parents respect each other despite them getting a divorce to end their marital relationship (Clandos et. al., 2007). Most importantly, the children need to be told that the failure of the marriage was not the fault of the children and that the children are not responsible for fixing the problems between the parents (Weitzman, 1985). This is because one of the impacts that divorce has on children has to do with the idea that children may believe that they had caused or had something to do with the root causes of the divorce. They may recall the times when they had argued or fought with their parents, obtained poor grades, or got into any trouble with authority. In support of this idea, Kierkus and Baer (2002, Pg. 443) report that children from nontraditional families are, “Less likely to be attached to their parents than are children from traditional families” and they further report that, “Children from traditional families will be the least delinquent, followed by children from single parent homes and reconstituted homes, followed by children from neither natural parent homes, who should be the most delinquent (Kierkus and Baer, 2002, Pg. 443). In fact, Eberstadt (2004) goes on to suggest that the idea of divorce should not be seen as the right of the parents and something which could be good for the children. It should instead be seen as something which puts children at risk since their chances of becoming delinquent adults can increase if a divorce occurs between their parents. She further notes that the nontraditional family is not as good as the traditional family when it comes to raising children. She writes that: Whether they like it or not, whether they begrudge the fact of nor, most people in the public square today have been brought around to recognizing the truth of this proposition: the traditional family, despite its problems, is nonetheless the best arrangement yet contrived for raising children (Eberstadt, 2004, Pg. 10). This is because in certain divorce situations, children may internalize the blame for the divorce and may even worry that their parents would stop loving them. It must be clarified to the children that the divorce does not mean that they would never get to see one or the other parent. In certain situations, younger children may not even fully understand the meaning or the permanence of a divorce with regard to the divorce dissolving the marriage (Everett, 1989). The problems faced by the children may be made more complicated by the fact that the parents themselves may be dealing with their personal feelings of grief, shame, doubt, fear, anger, and even relief at the end of the marriage (Everett, 1989). Some parents may have the notion that just because they have such feelings, their children may also have the same emotions and that may not be the case at all. Their feelings may be quite different about the divorce than the parents’ emotional situation and these may need to be managed through active counseling (Clandos et. al., 2007). Emotional Responses Amongst these feelings, rage, depression, resentment, sorrow and even anger in subtle forms can be very hard to deal with when it comes from children who may find it difficult to separate and deal with emotions on their own. Children will certainly express them in whatever manner they can and may even exhibit their anger at one or the other parent. The parents need to understand that this is a normal response to the loss suffered by a child and there are ways in which the child can be helped to deal with the issues. Children should be given chances to express their anxiety and anger openly within reasonable terms and the parents should not respond with their own displays of anger. Parents themselves should realize that their urge to fix a situation that is not fixable is a dangerous thing and can only lead to more hostility at a later stage (Clandos et. al., 2007). The emotional trauma can result in direct physical impact for the children as they may lose their eating or sleeping patterns. Children may need to express and discuss their fears several times and the parents should listen to them patiently. When children voice their concerns, parents should respond with honesty and show their support if their worries are well founded and have a possibility of occurring. Anxious child may appreciate a constant routine which puts them close to familiar people and takes them to places they regularly visit. For children who show signs of prolonged anxiety, professional help is certainly recommended (Weitzman, 1985). Children can develop emotions such as sadness to the point that they get depressed. Concern over the family’s new situation is quite normal and being sad is certainly an appropriate response. However, when being sad is added to with a sense of hopelessness and loss, the emotional state of the child may become continually depressive. The manifestation of this depression may be turned inwards into anger coupled with self neglect. Children may lose interest in school, dissociate from their close friends and even discontinue those activities that once gave them immense pleasure (Clandos et. al., 2007). The signs exhibited by children who are depressed due to the divorce of their parents are quite easy to see since children who are normally playful can become quite moody and may say that they feel that they are stupid or not important to anyone. They may also exhibit a tendency to withdraw from people or become disinterested in others while clinging to some. They may also show poor self grooming, become disorderly or even show an unwillingness to go to sleep. Nightmares, bedwetting and refusing to go to school are also common symptoms shown by the children (Weitzman, 1985). In fact, the emotional state of the children can put them in a place where they would be more likely to be delinquent and have trouble with the law as compared to children who have both parents in their life. Engaging in excessive risky behavior such as sexual promiscuity, drug use, experimenting with tobacco, medications or other controlled substances may be one of the reactions for such children. Beyond these, children may also engage in self mutilation which gives a relief from emotional pain due to the physical pain experienced by them. In extreme cases, children may also talk about suicide and may even attempt it. Professional help should be obtained before the situation comes to a point where it becomes difficult to deal with (Clandos et. al., 2007). At the same time, some children may actually avoid talking to their parents since they would not want to hurt their parents. This lack of communication can also stem from the fact that they feel responsible for not adding to the problems of their parents. It must be noted that such things can emotionally separate the child from the parent and close any changes of having open communications. Friends and family members can be of use in such situations since the child can talk to the other members of the support group if s/he is unwilling to emotionally open up to the parent (Clandos et. al., 2007). It seems that the much idealized nuclear family is little more than an ideal since single parents and children living without their mother or their father is slowly becoming common. As described by Laslett (1977, Pg. 12), “This family pattern no longer singles out Western European culture as once it did… Indeed certain important features of it have ceased to exist altogether in the contemporary West”. The modern family has to deal with modern issues and amongst them is the issue of divorce in which the children may be impacted as much if not more than the parents involved in the process. Conclusions It becomes easy to see that the overall impact of a divorce on children is largely negative and can influence them in many ways concerning their wellbeing as well as their mental and physical health. While the decision for going towards a divorce is a tough one, the process by which a divorce is carried through is also a complicated matter since the involvement of children in the divorce may cause emotional stress and trauma to all parties. Nevertheless, as long as the children are protected from the harmful effects of a divorce, their emotional well being as well as their personal development can have minimal effects. The responsibility of this comes to the parents since they have to make sure that their children do not suffer because of their personal decisions. Works Cited Amato, P. and Keith, B. 1991, Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis, Psychological Bulletin, vol. 110, no. 1, pp. 26-46. Cashmore, D.and Maclachlan, D. 2008, Render to Constantine? The New Zealand Journal of Christian Thought & Practice, 16(4):1. Clandos, R. et. al. 2007, ‘Coping with Divorce’, [Online] Available at: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm Eberstadt, M. 2004. The Family: Discovering the Obvious, First Things, vol. 140, no. 2, pp. 10-12. Everett, C. 1989, Children of Divorce: Developmental and Clinical Issues, Routledge. Forbes, S. 2005, A Natural History of Families, Princeton University Press. Kierkus, C. and Baer, D. 2002, A social control explanation of the relationship between family structure and delinquent behavior. Canadian Journal of Criminology, vol. 44, no. 4, pp. 425-458. Laslett, P. 1977, Family Life and Illicit Love in Earlier Generations, Cambridge University Press. Wee, C. 2007. Hsun Tzu on Family and Familial Relations. Asian Philosophy, vol. 17, no. 2, pp. 127-139. Weitzman, L. 1985, The Divorce Revolution, The Free Press. Read More