The Self and Conflict Relationships: When Harry Met Sally - Movie Review Example

HERE HERE YOUR HERE HERE The Self and Conflict Relationships: An Analysis of “When Harry Met Sally” The motion picture “When Harry Met Sally” illustrates the complicated relationship that can potentially exist between men and women, when intimacy is blended with platonic relationships. Throughout the picture, both of the main characters hold fast to their beliefs in their own realities, which, in turn, creates considerable conflict at the psychological level. In order to prove that their unique positions about gender and relationship roles for men and women are accurate, they sacrifice what might have been a quality camaraderie in favor of resistance to change as well as clinging to two distorted self-concepts. The conflict created is a product of this stubborn assurance, leaving both main characters with ongoing mixed emotions and disappointing relationships instead of embracing the others’ idea of the male/female social reality. There is a high level of immaturity that both main characters share, this is noticeable when they are having some of their first discussions in the 1970s. Harry’s character attempts to flatter Sally and she is angered by these efforts, accusing Harry of wanting more than merely a friend. Rather than discuss the problem objectively, they part ways with considerable animosity and negative feelings about one another. In this situation, it is Sally’s self-concept that stands in the way of allowing this friendship to continue and endure. Sally automatically believes that she is being harassed as somewhat of a preliminary effort to get her into bed with Harry. Harry, however, having a more traditional masculine personality, sees Sally much like he sees himself: contented by praising his positive attributes in order to make himself feel important. Self-concept is present with Harry from the beginning of the film, with Harry being quite sure that he is knowledgeable on relationships though it is borne from little experience, being the student that he is. Sally, also inexperienced in relationships because of her young age and little lifestyle experience in romance, tends to see men as too sexually aggressive and she feels like she is being treated like a “sex object”. This was a very common attitude in the 1970s when there was a strong resurgence in women’s rights and women’s values, which created misunderstanding and strong belief in women as strong and without the need for men’s approval. In this early part of the film, Sally is the person most responsible for creating conflict in this relationship before it ever gets launched. Harry, unaware of what women genuinely want because of his inexperience, holds firm to his masculine values on the male/female friendship. Both of their self-concepts are superiority, creating a rigidity that prohibits any type of positive relationship negotiation. As more than a decade passes, the viewer is able to witness the changes in their relationship, with both Harry and Sally becoming more honest and open about their needs, values and lifestyle goals. Though they still do not understand each others’ self-concepts and how ego is closely related, they manage to find a common ground in re-establishing the platonic relationship. However, arguments (conflict) are constantly created throughout this relationship each time the discussion turns back to dating, love and romance. It is in this section that the well-developed (however inaccurate) self-concepts from each main character prevent emotional growth. Sally, though clearly no longer a feminist straight out of the disco era, still believes in female superiority as the dominant figure in the relationship who remains the individual most capable of understanding, rationalizing, and teaching men. Harry, who’s masculine ego is acceptable to him and is reinforced by others in his social life, finds Sally far too argumentative and conflicting, helping him weave his own idea that Sally is out of touch with reality. What is happening in this situation is described by Epstein (1973) who offers that when a person’s self-esteem has been injured in front of people important to them, the effects can be “acutely distressing”. This distress can lead to sleeplessness and the negative feelings can linger for many months or even years. Harry and Sally are experienced living among society and have well-developed social networks. They have grown accustomed to accepting the opinions of others in these networks, having their values and beliefs reinforced by people who matter. Sally and her arguments about reconsidering Harry’s values toward love represents a threat to his self-esteem and could, potentially, embarrass him in front of the very people who continually tell Harry that his thinking on love and romance is top-notch. Sally believes that men and women can absolutely be friends and she holds fast that Harry needs only adjust to her method of thinking in order to be equipped to manage successfully in a romantic relationship. This inability to come to a common ground on love looks to be merely an excuse to maintain the conflict in the relationship since it seems to be the only thing that fuels any real passion between the two of them. This is especially true since they have not, yet, experienced any real physical intimacy at this point in their complicated friendship. Pietromonaco, Greenwood & Feldman (2004) offer information about a study in sociology that revealed higher levels of conflict in male/female relationships from men with reduced self-esteem. In these types of relationships, there is usually blaming and hostility that is created as a result of this self-esteem issue, whether small- or large-scale. Sally continues to harm Harry’s self-esteem, a social interaction that is often known to create not only conflict, but is the product of Harry’s blaming. When he is around Sally, he is at his most aggressive when she attacks his tried and tested (the self-concept) values related to the female partnership. Whether right or wrong, Sally continues to threaten what Harry considers to be an acceptable and stable method of looking at women, making him reject rationale in nearly every case. In so many ways, this is still an example of immaturity on behalf of both main characters, however at this stage in emotional growth it is Sally who seems more in tune with the notion that her values might need adjustment. Some of this is reinforced by another female friend that Sally tends to value considerably. The immaturity in this case, on behalf of Sally, is being overcome and she is learning to shed some strongly held feminist values that still linger under the surface of her consciousness. When Harry and Sally finally realize their long-time attraction to one another, they experience their first physically-intimate encounter. Harry, who has not yet grown emotionally, is the only person with serious issues about the affair and he is unable to discuss his feelings openly with Sally. Rather than come to grips with the idea that he is enticed by Sally as both a lover and a friend, he would rather sacrifice it in favor of holding onto what his male friends would most applaud. In many ways, Harry believes that Sally would be somehow victorious over Harry’s strong male personality so he is unable to cope with the idea that their relationship has evolved to a new plateau. It is only when the reality of loss comes into the picture that Harry and Sally begin to grow and accept that their views on relationships, sex, and the role of men or women in society need adjustment. Harry’s self-concept is always in jeopardy in the presence of Sally, while Sally is quite slow to abandon her belief in female superiority. This film is one of growth, leaving both Harry and Sally to realize that a positive self-concept really does come from flexibility and being honest with oneself rather than bowing to the fragile ego. References Epstein, S. (1972). The self-concept revisited or a theory of a theory. University of Massachusetts. Reprinted from: American Psychologist (1973), 28, 404-414. http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/ewaters/345/2007_self/self_revisited.pdf Pietromonaco, P., Greenwood, D. and Feldman, L. (2004). Conflict in Adult Close Relationships: An Attachment Perspective. Viewed July 12, 2010 at http://www.people.umass.edu/monaco/Pietromonacoetal_attachmentandconflict.pdf. Read More