Making Friends and Making Them Count by Em Griffin - Term Paper Example

?Making Friends Making Them Count) by Em Griffin Introduction: Making Friends Making Them Count) is a book written by Em Griffin, where he tried to survey the art of friendship through his thoughts on how one person can be attracted to another, how self concept and self esteem can affect or improve relationships, how impressions are formed, and how friendships can be maintained for long lasting times. Through the book, Em explained the necessity to understand one’s own self, understand the other person in relation with him, and understand both together to give meaning to a relationship and form a bond. He stressed on the factors of interpersonal communication, perception, and motivation, and how all these issues may have impacts on friendships. According to Em, “Friendship is an art”, and the book analyzes the shape of the art. (Griffin, 7-10). The book mainly focuses on the communication aspects required within a relationship. However, it also explains the basic necessities of understanding and maintaining a friendship. Synopsis of the Story: Em Griffin started his book with his views on the interpersonal communication describing it as a “process of creating unique shared meaning” (Griffin, 13). He took examples of certain games and illustrated them to make the readers understand the importance of communication, and how it is related to a friendship between two persons. Bowling, ping pong, and charades were used by him to compare the communication process in these games and in relationships. He compared the bowling game with communication in the way a ball is delivered by a bowler which passes through a lane and strikes the audience, quite similar to the process by which a sender delivers his message which passes through a communication channel and reaches the receiver. Em took ping pong as another example to explain how it takes two people to complete a communication process, like the way the game needs “two to play”. Charades was taken as a third example to explain how a message needs to be expressed through depiction of words, such that the person can “build images” in his mind. Interpersonal communication is a continuing creative process. If images in the minds of two people can be related, effective communication would take place. Thus Em used logical examples with the help of games to explain the importance of interpersonal communication. (Griffin, 13-16). Em also described the process of interpersonal communication through ten rules which are: (Griffin 1) “Interpersonal communication is a process”, (Griffin 2) “Interpersonal communication starts with the self”, (Griffin 3) “The chances for effective communication increase as people become aware of their motives for getting together”, (Griffin 4) “People communicate to reduce uncertainty”, (Griffin 5) “Words don’t mean things, people mean things”, (Griffin 6) “You cannot not communicate”, (Griffin 7) “Without identification, there is no communication”, (Griffin 8) “To reveal oneself openly and honestly takes the rawest kind of courage”, (Griffin 9) “Communication is irreversible and unrepeatable”, and (10) “Communication=Content+Relationship”. (Griffin, 18-22). Em stressed on the communication aspect because communication is the most vital factor in any interpersonal relationship. In relationships like friendships, ineffective communication may destroy a relation. On the other hand, according to Em, effective communication, following the above mentioned ten rules may not only build strong relation but also maintain them. Thus, through the ten rules as mentioned above, Em tried to explain that interpersonal communication is a process which encompasses an “ongoing transaction”. When the transfer and getting of messages occur simultaneously, effective communication occurs. According to Em, interpersonal communication starts with the self because some people have a “self-concept” which may be an overestimated image and may affect the actions he takes, hurting relationships. When people have a clear idea of the “motives for getting together”, communication becomes easier and more effective. Every communication requires making some sense, thereby removing uncertainty. Thus even if a communication starts with ambiguity, it is reached at a certainty by the time the communication ends. Em also explained that it is people who mean things, and not words. Same words may be perceived by one person in one way, while to another person it may have a completely different meaning. Communication is not only dependent on words. Other factors like expression, tone of voice, body language, distance, and eye contact also affect the communication process as a whole. Identification is also necessary for communication. Many people identify others more when they have similar characteristics, and hence communication becomes more successful in such situations. Honesty and openness require daring, and hence, a person would require a lot of courage to communicate anything honestly in front of others. Another most important issue that Em came up with in his book is that words once communicated can never be taken back. So it is very necessary to think and then speak to ignore errors that may affect relationships. Lastly, Em derived at a relation of “Communication” with “Content” and “Relationship”. Content, as what is said is part of the interpersonal communication, and the relationship between the two persons “dominates the flow of words”. (Griffin, 18-22). Em divided the book into three main parts for better understanding of the readers. The three parts include “Understanding Me”, “Understanding Thee”, and “Understanding We”. By this, he tried to make his readers realize the necessity to understand one’s own self, understand the person with whom he has the friendship, and understand both together, to give significance to the relationship. While he discussed his views on understanding one’s own self, Em stressed on two important aspects, one being the “self-concept” and the other being the “self esteem”. It is important to know who one is as a human being. In Em’s views, “Identity is the mind’s eye picture we have of ourselves”. Hence a “well-focused” identity is important. Everybody loves to be special, and would be satisfied to find himself being different from others. If a person treats his friend as special, giving him all importance, he would be happy. The otherwise would, however, hurt him as well as the relationship. It is necessary to understand what to expect from one’s own self and not have an overstated self identity. Many times different changes occurring in life may also change one’s image and accordingly his behavior towards his friends. Changes like marriage, divorce may also cause crisis of identity. Self esteem describes how a person feels about his “mental self-portrait”. “Moral worth”, “Competence”, “Self determination”, and “Unity” are the senses that arise the feeling of self esteem within a being. Em also explained the necessity to understand the others and their feelings, and form a bond with the person to maintain the relationship by understanding both together. In his book, he also talked about self worth and gave measures to cure lack of self worth. Finally he discussed about different personality types, and hence the different behaviors that may be expected, and also required to provide to build a relationship and maintain it. Different people would have different views and habits. Therefore, it is necessary to understand and respect others’ views so as not to hurt them. If this can be followed friendships amongst people would naturally perk up. (Griffin, 31-223). Critical Analysis: Em Griffin gave a broad picture of the importance of understanding relationships and the role that communication plays in building up and maintaining friendships. There can be no doubts in agreeing with the fact that the process of interpersonal communication has to be an unending process. It is also true that it is any human being himself who decides how to treat others, and how to behave. The “ten axioms” that Em laid down to explain interpersonal communication are invariably supportable (Griffin, 18). However, when he said that in order to express oneself “openly and honestly”, one has to be very courageous, he had given the example of a charade game where a woman had to act the title of a painting which was named as, “Nude Descending a Staircase”. (Griffin, 21-31). To act this out, she made stepping movements, and then reached for the “top button of her blouse”. It did not take people much time to guess the name the moment she expressed the act (Griffin, 31). Although it is true that being honest and open requires courage but courage may not mean disrespecting oneself. The woman could have chosen any other way to depict the name, but she preferred a rather wild way which may not be acceptable by many. So, being courageous may not necessarily lead to taking up irrational measures. Effective communication is a vital factor in determining the accomplishment of interpersonal relationships like friendships. Communication is an essential requirement for protecting satisfying relationships and the absence of valuable communication causes relationship failure. Ineffective communication is the cause of all societal troubles and good communication is the eventual cure. Any action requiring coordination and cooperation with others involve communication and therefore communication rules. (Nicotera, 3-6). This has been proved in the book written by Griffin. He pictured out the real importance of communication in a friendship, the study of which is carried out throughout the world. Often in our daily communication with our friends, it is seen that friendships break owing to bad behavior, or misunderstandings occurring within relationships. To give an example from personal experiences, there were two friends, Billy and Rian. One day Billy had a bad day at his office and in the evening he was supposed to meet Rian. But he cancelled the meeting owing to his bad mood. Rian asked him several times for the reasons but Billy did not share. Rian reached Billy’s place to find out the matter. Billy, instead of communicating his problem, shouted and insulted Rian and asked him to get out of his house. The relation broke. The main problem can be seen to be the communication. Billy did not communicate what he should, and when he talked, he hurt his friend and lost him forever. The other aspects on which Griffin had thrown light regarding “self-concept” and “self esteem” are excellent views supporting the needs of friendship. (Griffin, 28-31). Human actions that take place within uniform communication circumstances require common intentions, customary set of rules for the supportive attainment of those intentions, and a procedure for exhibiting the forces required for participation. Self concept is composed of self object relationships which include the identity self, the evaluative self and the behavioral self (Nicotera, 7). The book written by Em gives an insight on the very important factors affecting relationships. However, several other views or suggestions could be added to this book, in regard to how to maintain friendships, and add value to the concerned topic. Also, a person needs to carry several qualitative factors that are also required to build strong relationships, and maintain them. Discussions of such topics would also be a necessity. Apart from few such factors, the book as a whole is a wonderful step towards understanding the value of friendship. Growth Prospectus: Starting a relationship and maintaining it, are two different issues. A relation once started, requires nurturing for its continuance and maintenance. It is not an easy task to make a relation meaningful. Different qualities like loyalty, forgiveness, honesty, and dedication are necessary. (Parrott & Parrott, 82-85). The most important above all these factors is the communication. For all this factors to work, communication is necessary. This has been stressed in the book written by Griffin. Following the rules of interpersonal communication, one can improve his relationship with his friend to a great extent. As Em observes, “Interpersonal communication is a process. No single snapshot does it justice. Freeze frame any given instance of the process and you’ve told a lie. Only an account of the ebb and flow mirrors the truth.” (Griffin, 18). Thus by keeping this is mind, one can understand that communication is not only necessary in a relation but it also has to continuously go on as a process to improve a relation, and hence behave accordingly. One should try not to possess a misconception regarding his own image because that in turn may hurt friendships. Understanding that communication would reduce ambiguity and increase certainty would also help in improving friendships. As the view of the book is, “Sometimes in our quest for certainty we simplify and stereotype people to make them seem less complicated than they really are.” (Griffin, 20) It is necessary to understand that words, once communicated cannot be reversed. If this can be taken care of, many times bad behaviors may be restricted. According to Em, “Every verbal and non verbal interchange is unique. It happens only once and then is etched in stone.” (Griffin, 21-22). Moreover Em observes that, “Making friends isn’t easy. There’s no guarantee that interpersonal communication will produce intimacy. But without quality straight talk, lasting closeness is impossible. So let me encourage you to plunge into the process of understanding yourself, the other person, and your relationship.” (Griffin, 24) Hence, by following the measures stated by Em Griffin, every relation of friendship is expected to improve and succeed for long lasting times. Bibliography Griffin, Emory A. Making friends & making them count, Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 1987 Parott. Parott, Leslie L. Relationships: How to Make Bad Relationships Better and Good Relationships Great, Michigan: Zondervan, 2002 Nicotera, Anne Mayden. Interpersonal communication in friend and mate relationship, New York: SUNY Press, 1993 Read More