A Review of Em Griffins Making Friends and Making Them Count - Essay Example

Running Head: A Reflective Paper about Friendship A Review of Em Griffin’s Making Friends and Making them Count Date of Submission Introduction It is not simple to initiate determined and persistent efforts to penetrate the enigma of friendship in some extent by unearthing and identifying fundamental components of making friends, manifesting their relationship, visualizing the best toward which that friendship of its form leans, and making them count. Emory Griffin made such an attempt in his book Making Friends and Making them Count. The fundamentals of personal friendship Griffin observed and illustrated are apparently not all entirely situated in that bond. This or that fundamental or a number of them together may be situated in several other emotional relationships, as well as non-personal friendship. This essay is an attempt to summarize and apply Emory Griffin’s ideas about personal friendship and communication. Summary of Griffin’s Making Friends and Making them Count If what has been mentioned above is true, it is certain that the first and most important among the fundamentals of friendship is shared personal love. Griffin specified the actual range of varied ideas of love among authors in an effort to find an equivalent broad range of understanding of the essentials of communication and mutual love in friendship. Griffin describes ‘personal love’ or what he specifically referred to as ‘intimate friendship’ as a human relationship that has “a life of its own that is greater than the separate lives of the two friends” (Griffin, 1987, 214). This definition apparently includes personal awareness by each on the other’s distinctive self-identity. It has been argued that since intimate friendship us a special type of deep-seated love, it will in fact frequently transform into deep-seated love and create desire, or love, for what the completely loved individual requires as instrumental objectives or as way to these objectives. Love will encourage actions. Griffin reminds that intimate friendship, of its essence, will be fundamental love, specifically, imbued with sentiments of love such as bliss, pleasure, sweetness, warmth, or in several instances, forgiveness and sympathy. Making friends and keeping them requires a lot of uphill struggles. Elements like acceptance, patience, understanding and love determine friendship in its best. The main thing that grows as roots to the mentioned instruments is communication; nevertheless, reminds Griffin, communication has also its limitations. Not all communication efforts can strengthen, mend, and revive broken relationships; it can also destroy a good friendship. Communication should then be used with extra caution by making use of judgment. Griffin elaborated that words can harm, in a metaphorical way. Hence, he argued that communication should not merely be furnished with a logical mind but also with a sympathetic heart. He writes perceptively about the importance of communication in friendship. As he eloquently stated, “the chances for effective communication increase as people become aware of their motives for getting together” (Griffin, 1987, 20). Griffin emphasizes in general the need in any form of friendship of a common motive. This aspect is evidently needed for making friends. It can herald or follow upon intimate friendship. Communication of a common motive paves the way to friendship, and friendship with a union of common motive paves the way to shared friendliness and functions as a positive matrix for development into intimate friendship. However, it could also happen that people who are already fond of each other becomes friends just after they find out that they have shared motive. However and whenever the individuals discover their common motive it appears that no friendship can be build or carry on without it. Basically, Griffin emphasizes in his book that communication in building and sustaining relationship is extremely vital. It establishes the form of friendship there is. With no communication, friendship will cease to exist and this is highly known to individuals who have friends and striving to keep them. It is quite essential to have friends who we can communicate with. Nevertheless, all forms of friendships will confront some sort of troubles regarding communication. The problems are not the relationship’s flaw but the eagerness to straight things out. It will all be established by the types of friends people make. Before people build friendship, it is important that they visualize a future. There are those who only make life unhappy whereas there are those who help other people to improve. The latter will constantly triumph in the effort to make friends. People all desire an individual who can help them attain their objectives through their inspiration and words. Communication in personal friendship is the solitary way that you can actually discern the heart and mind of your friend. Hence, it is just right to give a great deal of attention to it. When friendship has a strong foundation, it can deal with any challenges in this regard. Communication will hence be established by the type of foundation a friendship has. If you are friends with people who are not equally of your liking, there is no way that you can develop an ideal relationship. Communication will contribute a lot in finding out whether some friends are merely using you and whether others are real. As Griffin stated, to have a strong base, it should all begin with you. You should be congenial so that people will have trust you. Deal with your weak points and build a favorable setting where love for friends can actually develop. Make use of features in character to distinguish who real friends for you will be. By so doing, you will have healthier communication with your friends. When the foundation is strong, you can confront all challenges through better communication. For instance, there are moments when friends are harmed by your words and since you appreciate and deeply know each other, you will discover a way to forgive and move on. Appropriate communication in friendship will make sure that you forgive and forget. In several friendships, friends remain silent and they are unable to discern the trouble unless forgive each other. It is important for all friends to be aware that friendships concern choices or decisions and when you choose correctly you will have prevented a lot of misery in your relationship. According to Griffin, you should not ignore problems because this can destroy the friendship. He reminds us that friends are there to support us during trying times and, to be happy for us during good times. Life will never be fulfilling without good friends. Friendships should be kept. It is important to invest time in knowing what your friends dislike and prefer. These will pave the way to communication and your friendship will become stronger. As a closing discussion for Griffin, he argued that only a very few people actually know the most preferable way to make new friends. And extremely few know the secret to maintain a strong friendship throughout the years. The key to making friends is to make a decision to be fond of the other person before s/he begins to like you. Once you carry this out you normally become affectionate to the other person, s/he then feels this and responds as a result. Choosing to like another individual in spite of their appreciation of you has a remarkable outcome. You are not afraid of rejection anymore. You will have a better self-esteem. Genuinely appreciate your friend and it will be reflected in everything that you say and, more significantly, in how you express it in words. That happiness in your face reveals more about how much you are fond of your friend than any utterances you can give. Evidently choosing to be fond of someone implies that you can still express yourself and ascertain the other individual treats you good. In reality they are more apt to do so when they feel they are appreciated and understood. Critical Analysis of Griffin’s Making Friends and Making them Count Mutual love or fondness between individuals with pleasant characters and common motive does not automatically result in personal friendship, as Griffin claims. I agree with his argument that communication is essential in building relationships, which is already known in several academic circles. However, communication is not the only factor determining the success of building and sustaining friendships. Another factor is important, unity of personal love. One thing that I have observed in Griffin’s work is that it is a serious error to claim that personal union of love can be encountered only in times when, in detachment from other life activities, the two individuals give complete attention to each other. Union of personal love can be encountered also indirectly as individuals move on with their routines together with their attention concentrated more intimately on what they are accomplishing. This union is then more completely understood afterwards in reflection on and remembrance of the experience. Hence I and my friend might be involved together in an attempt to comprehend some occurrence or some though we have stumbled upon. We may be cooperating to generate a text or be dynamically involved in political or social activities; we may be at a basketball game, a concert, or a social get-together, and so on. Our focus is on what we or other people are performing; but indirectly we are reflecting on and loving each other as we are expressed in our behavior, thoughts, and emotions. This aspect has not been fully explored by Griffin. Then, each can recall all these expressions of the other with pleasure, happiness, admiration, regret—and love. Griffin failed to observe that although these responses and recollections are not communicated to each other, they are an ingredient and fulfillment of the indirect union of love throughout the task together, especially so when the sentiments and ideas are communicated. However, I agree with Griffin’s argument that once friendship is strong founded, although communication is seldom or not possible for a quite some time, it is still probable to keep some kind of genuine friendship by mutual love and memory with trust in each other’s affection and remembering. An excellent example of this is the friendship that was built among a small group of men who met at the University of Paris in the 16th century. These friends struggled and suffered adversities together in the service of the Church, and eventually established the Society of Jesus, or more popularly known as ‘the Jesuits’. The most popular among them are Francis Xavier and Ignatius Loyola (Toner, 2003, 48): By the time Francis was sent as a missionary to the far east, his friendship with Ignatius and with the others in their group had grown deep and strong. Although at that time it took about two years to send a letter between Europe and India and get a response, Francis and the others were continually in each other’s thoughts and love. Francis cut the signatures from their letters and carried them in a pouch over his heart (ibid, p. 48). This story shows that friendship and spiritual unity endured and thrived although the friends were poles apart in distance and communication. Genuine mutual commitment, coupled with well-established communication, guarantees that friendship will endure any challenges. Strong faith by both friends in the dedication and loyalty of the other and strong faith that both will fulfill their promises forms the core of completely established personal friendship. It is wholly probable for an individual to desire for an eternal commitment to another without the other being aware that s/he actually fulfils this task. Both or one can even articulate a promise of commitment and intent with both or one not trusting that what is communicated by the other is genuinely and honestly meant. Yet again, each may trust that the other does sincerely aim to be committed and does genuinely tie oneself by a vow and yet not actually believe the other to fulfill that vow; both or one may distrust that the other has a firm enough disposition to persistently perform what is genuinely pledged. In any of these cases no friendship in the absolute sense is really possible; it may exist in probability. If all the other fundamentals are realized, the connection may be referred to as a budding friendship, or defined as ‘something that is already very precious.’ When there are adequate even though unsound reasons to explain faith and belief in the other’s vow, then it is completely justifiable to respond boldly. Friendship, just like those that are most valuable in human existence, requires risk. Prospectus for Growth There is much more that has to be carried out in the entire experience of making and keeping friends. Given that Griffin has discussed sufficiently about personal friendship and communication, it will be enough to make my own ideas of developing friendship. Primarily, for an absolute experiencing of sharing my life to others, the friends whose life I shared as my own in her/him has to have at least an indistinct unreflective belief or knowledge that s/he is to me another self, his/her life to a certain extent discerned by me from within and encountered as my life in her/him. S/he has to know my life as his/her in me. As stated by Griffin in his example about evangelism sharing lives in a fellowship requires that people within it are “sensitive to those who are constitutionally fearful of intimacy. Group confession is not for everybody” (Griffin, 1987, 70). Each friend has to uphold a faith that the other is knowledgeable of his/her experience, condition, and belief. Ultimately, I and my friends have to sustain the life of these factors in our dealing with each other and our trust in the action of each other so until it all turns out to be a component of the principle of friendship, a steady composite character in both of our hearts and minds, which comprises the way we are at every moment with regard to each other and which creates the conscious realizations or our existence as friends comfortable, blissful, and refined. However, I am not claiming that for the intricate experience of building and keeping friendship, or sharing lives, an explicit and thoughtful understanding of all these forces in it is essential. Nevertheless, I am expressing, and expressing firmly, that without communication and belief on all the primary forces involved in making friends and making them count, the friendship will be deficient of something of the strength it would otherwise possess and that the completeness of like and happiness in friendship, to which individual vigor leans, will be deficient. One can continue living and unthinkingly appreciating and understanding the world and life in it and afterwards, after several experiences, for instance, an intimate experience of death, reach a greatly intensified understanding of the marvel of common things, of the marvel of being alive. Hence as well, one can exist unthinkingly in friendship, keeping it and celebrating it but failing to be completely conscious of the tremendous opulence of it until somehow the mystery is laid open in the light of contemplation. This can take place as an outcome of having the mystery revealed by descriptive exploration such as what Griffin accomplished. It has occurred to me as well while writing this essay. References Griffin, E. (1987). Making Friends and Making them Count. Illinois: IVP Books. Pahl, R. (2000). On Friendship. UK: Polity. Toner, J. (2003). Love and Friendship. Milwaukee: Marquette University Press. Read More