Making Friends and Making Them Count - Book Report/Review Example

Your Making Friends and Making Them Count: A Review Synopsis Making friends is one of the most important activities that we as humans do. Making friends and being a friend to others takes a great deal of skill, one that we all need to develop. As Em Griffin, author of Making Friends and Making Them Count, reminds us, God has created us to be in relationship with one another—in other words, to be a friend and to have friends. Griffin’s purpose in writing this book is to help his readers develop friendship skills. As a communication skills instructor, he believes that communication is the way we develop friendships. He clearly states his “bias,” right at the beginning, in his introduction: “I believe that God gave us the gift of communication so we can get close to others” (9-10). His book is about effective communication, but with a distinctly Christian perspective. Griffin’s introduction also clearly states how he intends to instruct his readers about communication, which are the extensive use of illustrations, examples, and stories. He describes his teaching method, which he uses throughout his book. The introduction, like most introductions, also describes the book’s structure. Griffin includes three sections, entitled “Understanding Me,” Understanding Thee,” and “Understanding We.” The first section, “Understanding Me,” focuses on the self. Griffin believes that one cannot be a good friend without a healthy self-esteem and a measured understanding of yourself. He uses the Golden Rule and Jesus’ greatest commandments. “Do unto others as you would want them to do to you” assumes that you must think highly of yourself in order to expect others to treat you well. Loving others and even loving God, Griffin states, requires that you love yourself first. He says, “Our self-concept is made up of our identity—the picture we have of ourselves, plus our self-esteem—how we feel about the images in that picture” (pp. 40-41). He believes that you cannot be a good friend without loving and knowing yourself well. In these chapters, Griffin explains, using surveys and questionnaires, how to know oneself better, and how to increase one’s self-esteem. The second part of the book, “Understanding Thee,” focuses on how to increase communication skills. These chapters explain the process of communication, and how to effectively get your point across to another person. Griffin uses two metaphors to illustrate his point: bowling and charades. Effective communication, he states, is more than what happens in bowling, when the sender points and shoots the bowling ball in the hope that the receiver stands there and waits for the message. Instead, effective communication is more like charades, which uses give and take and requires the active participation of both parties. The chapters in this section are essentially a lesson in effective communication skills, from the perspective of a Christian speaker and writer. Griffin uses Scripture and Christian/church examples because that is his audience. The information in these chapters can be learned from any basic college course in effective communication. It is good information to have, since as Griffin says, effective communication is important in close relationships. He makes it clear that without this information, and without using it, we cannot have meaningful friendships. One of the most helpful and important statements in this book was, “You cannot not communicate” (21, 144). It was so important that Griffin states it twice, in his introduction and in his chapter on nonverbal communication. A chapter on nonverbal communication and the importance it plays in relationships is appropriate in a book about communication, and this book has many good tips about how to read nonverbal communication in others and how to develop it for ourselves. Griffin emphasizes that the way we say something is at least as important as the words we use. Griffin lists and describes eight aspects of non-verbal communication. They are body language, facial displays (or facial expressions), eye behavior, appearance, use of space (which differ according to one’s culture), touch, voice, and smell. Some emotions, like happiness, sadness, and shock, are easy to detect, while others (like disgust, which is similar to anger) are more difficult. These aspects of nonverbal communication also affect another important aspect of communication, perception (how we see each other). As Griffin states, “First impressions are hard to shake” (83). The third and final part of Griffin’s book is entitled “Understanding We.” He explains the process of friendship, from beginning to end and all and the stages in between. He describes the stages of intimacy, which he numbers as ten and considers circular. His stages are: initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, bonding, differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating. These stages radiate out from each other, with the fifth stage, bonding, in the center. The book is full of images, so Griffin provides one for this discussion, in the form of a chart (182). This way of presenting friendship is useful and makes sense, since most of his readers, which consist of young American Christians, will be able to relate to the information presented in this way. The final chapters of Griffin’s book are full of advice and counsel regarding relationships and how they should be. He uses Biblical examples of relationships throughout the book, of David and Jonathan, of Paul and Barnabus, of Christ and His apostles, with emphasis on the friendship between Jesus and Peter. He uses these illustrations to show the ups and downs of friendship, and how positive and beneficial they can be for us. Christian friendship, of course, is the pinnacle of friendships—mostly importantly, our friendship with God and with His Son, Jesus Christ. Griffin’s advice and counsel for good relationships and friendships is practical and easy to follow. It is clear, however, that keeping and maintaining good friendships require a great deal of hard work, but Griffin presents his information in a way that makes his readers want to do what it takes to have good friends and to be good friends to others. His audience is Christians, so he discusses trust, honesty (or transparency), accountability, and forgiveness, and why these things are important in Christian friendships. Griffin considers forgiveness and accountability so important in Christian friendships that he put them in the same chapter at the end of his book. For Griffin, forgiveness and accountability go together in Christian friendships. He calls forgiveness without accountability “sloppy agape” (185) and wonders if the reason most people avoid closeness and intimacy with others is because it requires struggling with others. He says, “In fact I think many folks avoid intimacy because they tacitly understand that closeness requires both forgiveness and accountability” (185). Critical Analysis Making Friends and Making Them Count is a valuable book, full of information most people should find useful. We can all use improvement in our relationships and in our communication skills, and Griffin presents practical ways we can do that. It is important, as Christians, to have good relationships with others, and sometimes many of us lack those skills. The world’s friendships are often based upon what people can do for them, and friendships in the kingdom of God can and must be different. My issue with Griffin’s book, however, is that much of the information can be gained from other sources, and in some cases, presented in better ways. The only thing that is different about Griffin’s book is his audience. Making Friends and Making Them Count is basically a self-help book, similar to the scores of self-help books one can find in any bookstore. Most secular books about friendship and communication probably do not have information about accountability and forgiveness, though, so I found this section the most valuable for me personally. This is a Christian book, and although it may seem strange to put it this way, I did not think it was Christian enough. The same information could be presented to any audience if the writer changed the examples, stories, and illustrations. I would have liked a stronger presentation of Christian friendships, and the ways that makes friendships amongst Christians different than friendships between members of other groups. Griffin’s presentation of friendship was slanted towards his audience, single young Christians. He discusses very little about marriage, for example, something I found a little off-putting. Although I am a part of his audience, I would have thought that he would discuss marriage, the most important relationship any of us will have, even just at least a little. I realize that there are other books about marriage, but it seemed that it was completely ignored in this book. Griffin included a lot of Scripture in his book, but it was not Scriptural enough, either. Perhaps a better way to put it is that it was not theological enough. He never answered this question, at least not to my satisfaction: What is the Biblical and theological purpose of relationships and friendships? Another question he never answered was: What has the Christian Church, in her two-thousand year history, taught about the kind of relationships we should have with one another? Perhaps Griffin could have answered these questions by discussing what teachers and theologians have said about it, or by giving examples of friendships amongst believers throughout history. In spite of these weaknesses, Making Friends and Making Them Count is a valuable book for his audience, young single believers, to read. Griffin’s bibliography at the end of the book is an excellent resource for those who want to go deeper into this important topic. All of us, especially Christians, can benefit from learning how to communicate better, and it is a good resource for that. It is refreshing to be exposed to this information from a Christian perspective. As a Christian, I was able to relate to the information Griffin presented, and his examples, stories, and illustrations made the information more real and more useful to me. I am sure that many other young Christians have had the same experience, and that this book has made a difference in their lives. Prospectus for Growth Even with this book’s weaknesses and ways in which it falls short, there is much to be gained from reading it. It is a good short course in improving one’s communication skills, written from a Christian perspective, for a Christian audience. Griffin’s examples, stories, and illustrations were touching and thought-provoking in many ways. One of the most touching stories in the book for me was at the beginning: his interaction with the girl from camp who was angry at him for ignoring her all week. I identified with that story because I often feel ignored, too, especially by adult leaders. I have come to understand the reason I am often ignored is that people assume that I am doing all right and that I do not need the extra attention. Most of the time, they are correct, but it can still be lonely and brings up a lot of pain. It also can cut me off from people wanting to be my friend, which is also painful. I know that I need to reach out to others, but I can tend to be shy, so I am often alone. I was also struck by Griffin’s information about nonverbal communication. It reminded me of the television show, “Lie to Me,” about the man who can detect people’s emotions by just looking at them. (Of course, one of the points of that show is that this man does not have close relationships, even with his abilities.) I realized that, after reading this section of Griffin’s book, I need to develop my nonverbal communication skills. I knew a boy in my high school with Asperger’s Syndrome. He was unable to detect when he was annoying or when people around him felt uncomfortable. I am better at detecting nonverbal communication than he was, but I am not as good at understanding how I come across to others. Even though I am young, I have been hurt by friends who I thought were trustworthy and cared about me. Some of these people were even Christians, who you would think would know better. I realized after reading this book that most people, even Christians and perhaps even me, do not know how to be good friends because we have not had a lot of experience with it. As Griffin states, most people do not go past his first few stages of relationships, or they bypass the more intimate stages to the final stage, terminating. As I read Making Friends and Making Them Count, I was struck at how many of my friendships failed to be very intimate, and my reaction was embarrassment and shame. I realized that I have not been a very good friend, and that I could use the information Griffin presents to improve my friendships. Griffin described many situations in which people’s painful experiences with friendships prevented them from having the kind of relationships God wants them to have, and that could be said about me as well. The chapter about forgiveness and accountability were the most powerful for me personally. Griffin stated, perhaps in not so many words, that these were the most important aspects of Christian friendship, and what makes Christian friendship different than other types of friendships, amongst people in the world. I realized, after reading Making Friends and Making Them Count, that God calls us as Christians to have intimate relationships with each other. It may be the most important part of the Christian life. This book can be helpful in teaching us Christians how to be better friends with each other, because in my experience, many of us lack the skills in communication, which is necessary in being a good friend. Griffin is a good teacher, and is able to use effective stories, examples, and illustrations that young Christians like myself can relate to and use. Even though this book lacks a great deal, and does not go into detail about many aspects of friendships and Christian relationships, it is a valuable book for young Christians to read. It has a great deal of advice and counsel in how to communicate effectively, which is necessary to have good friends and be a good friend. Making Friends and Making Them Count lacks depth, but it has inspired me to be a better friend. Works Cited Griffin, Em. Making Friends and Making Them Count. Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 1987. Print. Read More