Emory Griffins Making Friends and Making Them Count - Essay Example

Name) (Instructors’ name) (Course) (Date) ‘Emory Griffin’s Making Friends & Making Them Count’. Griffin set out to write a ‘keen account of what goes on in the face to face interaction’ (p.9). He states that a clear understanding of this type of interaction will make an individual’s personal communication more fruitful and effective. In this communication paper, a synopsis of Emory Griffin’s book will be highlighted as well as a critical analysis of the work and finally; a prospectus for growth will be devised based on the book. Synopsis.   The entire book emphasizes that communication is a process. The author explains ten steps which he cites as the ten rules of ‘interpersonal communication’ (p.18). The rules are:     ‘Interpersonal communication is a process. No single snapshot does it justice’ (p.18). The author explains that just like friends, it is best to perceive communication seen a transaction that is in progress or is ongoing. ‘Interpersonal communication starts with self’ (p.19). He states that the image an individual has of themselves significantly contributes a person’s actions around other individuals. It is important that the image is right from within. ‘The chances for effective communication increase as people become aware of their motives for getting together’ (p. 20). He states that communication is effective when people have a grip on the forces that are drawing or pulling them towards the encounter with other people. ‘People communicate to reduce uncertainty’ (p.20). He relates this rule to a game of charades by stating that the aim of the game is to move from what is unknown or to move from unclear circumstances to what is known or certain. In his own words, he says ‘to bring order out of chaos’ (p.20). ‘Words do not mean thing, people mean things’ (p.20). He illustrates this rule by recounting an experience with his daughter. He states that the meaning does not exist in the world; rather, it resides in the people. ‘You cannot not communicate’ (p.21). He uses the game again and states that charades is a game which is non-verbal. The idea behind the game is to make use of gestures as the players try to create the correct words. With this example, he says that during daily communication, position of the body, eye contact, signs, voice conations and other cues that are non-verbal facilitate communication. ‘Without identification there is no communication’ (p.21). The author states that most individuals prefer the company of other individuals who are like them. For instance, in the charades game, individuals who have similar values, back ground experiences or even personalities often talk the lead in the game. This aspect gives them an upper hand as communication between them is effective. ‘To reveal oneself opening and honestly takes the rawest kind of courage’ (p. 21). The author extensively deals with risk in chapter eight of his book. He states that most individuals weigh keenly the price of being exposed or vulnerable. Trust between individuals makes the risk of being transparent to another person bearable or tolerable. Self disclosure as a result boosts trust. The two work mutually in a crucial circle to bring individuals together. ‘Communication is irreversible and unrepeatable’ (p.21). The author brings to light a very important concept or rule. He says that every interchange either verbal or non verbal is unique because it takes place only once. It is ‘etched in stone’ (p. 22). Once communicated an individual cannot take it back as the script cannot be rewritten. The tongue has no eraser and thus it is important that individuals learn to be responsible in thoughts, words or actions. Once communication is conveyed, it is impossible to undo. ‘Communication = content + relationship’ (p.22). In the final rule the author states that the feeling individuals have for each other is the dominant feature in communication or the free flow of words. Feelings combined with relationship equals communication. The rules discussed above are topics to each chapter in Griffins book which may be divided into three sections, ‘Understanding me’, understanding thee’ and ‘Understanding we’( p.22-23). He states that some authors refer to the relationship that arises between two people as ‘a spiritual child’ (p.23). He marveled at this description and developed it further by analyzing the fact that some children are nurtured and developed well whereas there are children who is stunted by lack of attention and neglect. He first outlines that understanding oneself and possessing a proper image of self as well as concepts is essential to being able to form solid relationships. It is also important as it helps us communicate well with others. He proceeds to ask a series of questions regarding how individuals viewed themselves at which point he proceeds to give his answers to the questions as well as his analysis on the same. In the brief analysis, he focuses on the fact that individuals have a desire to feel special. He says that it an innate desire or some sort of inspiration for all humanity is to feel that they are different from one another. Human identity is not something that is definite or set because, today an individual is this person and in five to ten years that are totally different people or their thoughts, actions and beliefs are different. He makes encourages the people with low self-esteem by suggesting that they should develop a ‘sense of moral worth’ (p.36). He states that in order for an individual to have a high or elevated self esteem, they must have courage and be confident that they have God’s approval. In short that they are fine, okay and that there is nothing wrong with them (Griffin, 36). Individuals who view themselves as low feel powerless and unable to change their lives. They see themselves as ‘a cloud driven by the wind’ (p. 40). He further states that the people who have a positive attitude and regard themselves highly often accept responsibilities for their circumstances, their lives and even their friends. He says that God saw everything as good and thus every person should not see themselves as less than what God saw (Griffin, 45). The author uses the bible verse that says men are created in the image of God as a way to encourage people to change any low perception because God made everything good. He also highlights that there are various personality types. They are those who need to achieve, those who long to belong and those who need power. He explains that power is not a word that is dirty rather it is something that God has given man and going against this notion is wrong (Griffin, 68). He also talks about perception and how we view each other. He elucidates that trust and transparency is important in every relationship (Griffin, 166). He illustrates how some emotions are quite easy to notice such as sadness, happiness and shock. He also mentions those that are difficult to notice or recognize for instance disgust. He also explains stages of intimacy by listing them in a circular manner with bonding at the centre and everything else radiating from this stage (Griffin, 182). The stages are important when building friendship with one another. He speaks of accountability and friendship among friends by illustrating the things that individuals should do to make friendships that real and strong (Griffin, 184). Griffin explains and illustrates many more aspects that are important in people’s lives, the list cannot be exhausted. A critical analysis. Griffin did an outstanding and brilliant job when he tackled the issue on friendship. His choice of writing is however, overly worded and nostalgic in certain illustrations. He was able to accomplish the task of explaining as well as to simplify the question of communication and friendship. His experience, analogies and recollections are comical a bit too revealing and perhaps they should not have been included in the work. Nonetheless, the illustrations and analogies are entertaining and they help the reader understand the topics in a profound way. The relation of the topics to everyday life makes people relate easily while applying the same to their lives. The author begins his writing expedition into the understanding of friendship by linking it to common games and activities. For instance, he makes a comparison between bowling and friendship (Griffin, 13). He goes to the extent of setting out the similarities between the two in a bid to help the reader fully understand the basics. Later he uses an illustration of friendship and the ping-pong game (Griffin, 14). This illustration almost sums up the reality of friendship and communication. Indeed the two often bounce to and fro or back and forth between two individuals and in certain instances, an individual misses and have to start again. He also uses charades (Griffin, 16). He says that communication and friendship is like a guessing game which requires words, expressions, sign and images for it to be effective. These illustrations are well used and they make perfect sense. The author has focused a bit too much on communication perspective of friendship. This is indeed important, however, there is a lot more that makes relationship grow, succeed and generally last. It is important to have common interests for friendships to work. It is accurate to state that some people are easier to relate to, to speak with, to get to know or more personable than others. Others individuals are introverts and desire to remain in that state. They do not share information with others readily as they wish to remain private about their affairs. The author singled out such personalities and categories of people. He selected a few and gave the reader only tips and beautiful worded sentences and fancy pictures. It is not disputed that he did manage to illustrate in a profound way the other personalities and made it easy for people who could relate. One other aspect that seemed to lack in Griffin’s work was a true and proper definition of a friendship that is real. He briefly considered the friendship of David and Jonathan from the Bible. The story is much more than the little Griffin looked at and mentioned in his work. He failed to articulate and express the emotional depth can exist between two individuals who consider themselves as true friends. Some connections between friends can go much deeper than a partner one ordinarily has a good conversation with because they are mentally and soulfully connected. The friendship between the two Bible characters was beyond the normal friendships that many individuals experience. Griffin provides the reader with excellent and superb pointers for making good and meaningful conversation. One however questions whether he indeed provides goo pointers for friendship or simply good guidelines for those who are acquaintances and their communication. The critical analysis on Griffin’s work is certainly not a discredit to his work; he is obviously experienced in friendship, biblical provisions and even excellent academic achievements. However, life has presented opportunities for making true friends who came and went and most left behind scars as opposed to loving memories and experiences that are to be treasured for eternity. Griffin provides information that is helpful in the scrutiny of my past friendships. The circular chart that he uses shows the stages of friendship. Life experiences as illustrated in the chart as similar to those that I have experienced in the short life I have lived. His words concerning each stage ring with the whole truth especially that with painful swiftness and alacrity. The ability to relate my life with his work is a defining moment to me as a reader and indeed any reader who has experienced the same. The aim of a writer is to communicate his message to the reader regardless of the degree or level of influence achieved. Griffin thus has successfully communicated the intended message and information. The techniques and skills on communicating as rules will certainly apply to my tender life and well into my mature adult life. In particular the ‘don’t announce ask’ (p.27). It is indeed true in my life experience; I do indeed have a tendency to announce. Griffin has used biblical stories, figures and provisions to illustrate and explain his message. I have no issue with this fact because I am a Christian. However, he has left out his non-Christian audience who might not understand the words he has used or the characters and this may make them disregard the content all together. His work is limiting to that extend, but the message contained is important and can serve as a guide to many people who struggle with communication, relationships and friendships. His advice on attraction and the thought provoking are admirable though he may have overemphasized this aspect. Griffin highlighted in his book that understanding our self and having the right self image as well as the concept is significant in an individual’s life because it helps individuals to communicate properly with others and, to form relationships that are healthy and long lasting. On this aspect, I am in agreement with him as I think that a significant part of developing friendship is the ability to be able to portray oneself accurately to the person one seeks to have a relation or a connection. Prospectus for growth. The aspects that I plan to implement in my life are his advice on ‘self esteem and self worth’ (p.36). The people who I relate with have concluded that I portray myself a confident and at times arrogant person however that is the image they see and perceive of me. Deep within my understanding of myself, I know that I am not as confident as I look. The little confidence that I try to show others is the result of years of self encouragement. The advice from Griffin will further encourage me as well as fuel my desire to be better than I am today. It is my desire to implant a number of his techniques especially the tips on being aware about my personality, having self worth and self identity. In the current world of rush, money, limited time, technology and business, it is important for an individual to know their true identity and make friends that are helpful. The lack of time has generated a world of strangers as people lose communication. It is also easy for individuals to lose track of their identity. The illustration he used of the girl at camp whom he stated he ‘erased her identity’ (p. 75) was very profound and convicting to me as a reader. Many times we look at other individuals and ask them how they are fairing on without even getting to know their names. Identity is a central aspect in a person’s life since it is what individuals use to define each other. Griffin’s quote about the art of self disclosure, which is, being vulnerable and open, is emotional and poignant for anyone. It was really moving for me because, I have battled with openness. As already stated, I have experienced bad break ups from close friends. Having experience hurt from friends had made me hide behind tall wall and sink myself further into a cocoon. This fact has made me push good friends away by not realizing that communication is a process. The game of ping pong becomes relevant in this situation. Just like the back and forth movement, so does friendship and relationships. Another area that will form my prospectus for growth is the section on ‘you cannot not communicate’ (p.21). Many people believe that silence means lack of communication. According to Griffin and in actual reality, the lack of words or non verbal communication can say a lot more. It was quite interesting to realize there is more to eye contact, facial expression, body language than I had initially thought. It is quite riveting to watch other individuals portray and use the information that Griffin has highlighted in his book. The information has given me an upper hand in reading and comprehending the images that people present to us and how to deal with different people. The practice steps that I have sought to make my commandments constitute the list of things that Griffin suggests can cure the lack of self worth. I have sought to toss myself into a meaningful significant clause. This is the choice to view myself as worth a lot more than what critics say. I choose to surround myself with individuals who make me feel good about myself as opposed to those who make you feel low and unworthy. I seek to share my feelings with other people and not to bottle things. The world has individuals who will always be there for me. I will seek professional help when need be, for instance Griffin’s book is an authority in making friends that last. I seek to take life as it comes and not to take myself very seriously most of the time as this is exhausting. I will practice assertiveness in a positive manner and the greatest of all; I will seek to know myself (Griffin, 36-45). Work cited. Griffin, Emory. A. Making friends & making them count. Madison: Intervarsity Press, 1987. Print. Read More