The Only Way Out is Through C S Lewis on Grief - Essay Example

The Only Way Out is Through: C S Lewis on Grief The loss of one’s life partner is not easily described in words, but C S Lewis does this emotionally difficult task in a small book, A Grief Observed, in which his disclosures are unashamedly intimate. Here, an attempt will be made to analyse the depth of his grief, the manner in which he bears it and shares it, and how the lessons of his narrative can be used in grief counselling. First, the initial shock of bereavement will be examined, where immediate ‘first aid’ counselling is required; and then the plateau period of adjustment to truth, where deep explorative talking can help; and finally, how support therapy can ease a person back into functional and meaningful living. Events involving loss or separation may occur throughout our lives (Lendrum & Syme 2004) but death is a particular form of loss that is very different from the loss of innocence or control, such as in sexual abuse or rape; or loss of status and income such as in retrenchment or unemployment. It is also vastly different from the loss of dreams or ambition such as in the birth of a disabled child. Death is not only devastating, it is final, (Lendrum & Syme 2004) and any counselling that occurs must take into consideration that bereaved persons understand this in different ways. Different individuals have varying concepts on what death brings, not only to them as the bereaved, but to the person who has died (Walton 1996). Not everyone believes in the hereafter, and that souls are reunited after death. Not all believers share the same concepts about death and resurrection (Duffey 2007). There are many variations on both philosophies. C S Lewis is well known for his Christian outlook, with an understanding that eternal life lies ahead for all souls, but a variety of these concepts exist in the community (Blank 2009). In addition, the shock of bereavement can give any person a new insight into their long-held beliefs. So allowances must be made; and jumping to conclusions, or making presumptions, must be avoided if possible (Kubler-Ross & Kessler 2007) . Just as C S Lewis had to redress his faith when his beloved wife died (Lewis 2001), many of those recently bereaved experience a shift in attitude - no matter how long they were held - that comes through shock and disbelief. Initial distress can often register as physical pain (Malkinson 2007). Lewis suffered from osteoporosis, so he was no stranger to pain, but the loss of ‘H’ struck him like an ache from which there was no relief (Lewis 2001). Reaction to the death of someone close is often physical, resulting in protracted weeping, vomiting, shaking, screaming, or an increase of physical ailments (Dyregrov & Dyregrov (2008). “I lie awake all night with toothache.” (Lewis 2001). ‘Grief can be a threat to physical and mental health.’ (Parkes 2002) Lewis not only describes what happened after H died in a simple narrative style: he delves deeply into how it affected him, and analysed everything he felt. He dismantled himself in writing (Lewis 2001). Analysis of this sort can be examined as a clue or a symptom: what could it mean? Some therapists see it as an attempt to salve guilt (Kuenning 1987), to disburden themselves of the immense problem (Humphrey & Zimpfer 2008), or to perpetuate memories (Walsh-Burke 2005). Others see it as a desire to surrender to the sorrow (Levy 2000) or to lengthen the grieving time, in reluctance to let go (Felber 2000). Anger can be dissolved or aggravated by examining deep emotion and asking questions of oneself (Bonanno 2009). Lewis does not seem to follow the Kubler-Ross pattern of five stages of loss. These, according to Kubler-Ross (2007), are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, generally experienced by those who experience loss, and by the professionals who see to them, in that order. Although they all seem present, their order is different. He examines his attitude to pain and disablement, “At present I am trying to get about on crutches.” And trying to understand his own unwillingness to let go of mourning, and coming to the conclusion it must resemble vanity (Lewis 2001). Perhaps letting go seems disloyal, which can be manifested through rituals that cannot be broken (Duffey 2007). Acceptance seems to come early to Lewis “Now there is nothing but time.”: but this is perhaps a reader’s perception: after all, writing a book takes time and reflection, and the decision to write such a final book can only be made through acceptance (Lewis 2001). The depth of Lewis’s grief is such that the reader feels his emotion. It cannot be called emptiness: he is a writer whose words fill him; “I see the rowan berries reddening and don’t know for a moment why they, of all things, should be depressing.” (Lewis 2001) He tells all, since communication, for a person to whom language is everything, is like breathing, so healing, discussing, arguing and experimenting are all done through words. This is a useful way to energetically work though mourning (Dyregrov & Dyregrov 2008) and it would be a useful expedient for those gifted with language to excise their grief through writing. Keeping a grief journal is a very useful tool used by many as a cathartic tool (Humphrey & Zimpfer 2008). But writing is certainly not the only way. Others can do it through talking, since specialists have found that talking through a traumatic event shifts it from short-term to long-term memory (Lendrum & Syme 2004). Emotional support gained through talking to a willing listener is very beneficial. But perhaps writing is more than just cathartic. It might have the same benefit as talking, with the added advantage of the writer being able to read back what was written later, to gain a realisation that a stage has been reached and passed (Dyregrov & Dyregrov 2008). Lewis bears and shares his mourning. It is in a way ceremonial, like inviting the world to participate in his grief. It has long been understood that a community ceremony is important to consign the dead person to another realm (Bonanno 2009): it is a rite of passage that is communal in spirit, and helps the bereaved with the comfort of support, commiseration and understanding. This is the way Lewis chose to consign his loved one to death. The way he chose to self-help is also indicative of an analytical person: he studies the way he attempted to visit the special places they used to visit together, such as their favourite pub. He describes the experience as not very helpful, since H’s absence was “no more emphatic there than anywhere else.” (Lewis 2001) Counsellors often advise the best way to deal with trauma is to immediately revisit the occasion like “sending a pilot up again immediately after a crash” (Lewis 2001). This strategy sometimes helps, but Lewis analysed it for himself and found his grief was layered over everything, like the sky. Lewis had a very good understanding of the limits of his own ability to share his wife’s pain, and consequently understood that it would be hard for anyone to fully participate in his grief. His children would have no part in the way he wanted to discuss their mother, for example (Lewis 2001). A counsellor’s task is firstly to find out a sufferer’s notion about how sharing takes place, and how far they think a loss can be shared (Worden 2008). Group counselling is sometimes sought by those who think they can gain benefit by talking to people who have suffered a similar loss. Grief professionals also try to gauge the responses and concepts of family members, since not all those in one family always treat grief and loss in the same way (Worden 2008) (Nadeau 1998). The plateau of adjustment is a very significant time. “When unanticipated or incongruous events such as the death of a loved one occur, a person needs to redefine the self and relearn ways to engage with the world without the deceased.” (Worden 2008) It is incredibly hard for those whose relationship or marriage was very close and intimate, but it is also very painful for those where there was conflict and disagreement, because the burden of guilt might sometimes be even greater (Lendrum & Syme 2004). When there is a ‘survivor’ situation, if a couple has experience the same accident, for example, and only one dies, the guilt can be unbearable. In the case of a terminal disease, such as Lewis had to deal with, there is possibly less guilt, but the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and inability to function in society as a single person (Humphrey & Zimpfer 2008) immobilises the bereaved. “The beginning of separation which is death itself,” is the way Lewis describes it. It is a felt declaration, not a platitude. Lewis’s whole book - not surprisingly - is devoid of platitudes. In counselling, they should be avoided too. The author writes he had no patience for those who came to him with sentences such as ‘There is no death.’ He did not like people to say to him that death did not matter because all that was important was eternity (Lewis 2001). He did not feel like that when H died. All his spirituality was confused and turned upside down, and he was not soothed or comforted by the fact his wife might have gone to a better place. Care must be taken when choosing words of comfort for different people (Walsh-Burke 2005). Even within the same family, different attitudes, beliefs and concepts are to be found (Nadeau 1998). A lot of reluctance can be encountered when trying to ease a bereaved person back into society. The general understanding is that it is healthy for a sufferer to be re-inserted into society without too much delay (Neimeyer 2001). But one cannot do this without first finding some sort of meaning. Emotional trauma must be dealt with in an emotional way, and people find their ways automatically: some cry, some grow silent, some talk a lot, and so forth. But there is a vital intellectual component that needs to be addressed (Neimeyer 2001). According to Neimeyer (2001) many writers have agreed that ‘attributing meaning to loss is essential to grief resolution.’ Perhaps Lewis understood this in a very intellectual and personal way: he is after all a very cerebral person, to whom analysis and argument in the philosophical sense are vital. He had that kind of rapport with his wife: an intelligent seeking for meaning in everything, which they shared (Lewis 2001). Intellectual resolution - reasons for the loss that the bereaved understands fully, and accepts completely - is not always easy to come by because it must be tailored perfectly to the individual, and the only way to discover what is meaningful is to get that person to talk and disclose (Lendrum & Syme 2004). This is very good in finding a path away from helplessness, which often overtakes the surviving half of a close couple. Lessons can be learned from the way C S Lewis managed his own grief. His motives in publishing such a book are two-fold: wanting to explore and analyse his feelings while showing them to others, and offering a helping hand to those in a similar position. He takes a look forward a number of times, thinking of his own death. He also learns. Some people come out stronger after loss than they were before (Parkes 1985). Our own mortality is emphasized when we experience bereavement - some even wish for death to relieve the pain (Worden 2008), but some achieve inner fortitude. But there is a strength and a renewal of purpose in Lewis’s narrative, even behind the hurt. This is a strength that can be shown to sufferers, to show what is possible (Kuenning 1987). Gentle, un-intrusive, long term support therapy is very useful here. In conclusion and summary, it can be seen that grieving is an inevitable process that must be borne by survivors, and that there are ways - discovered and used by Lewis in his writing - to take on that process (Dyregrov & Dyregrov 2008). The pain and suffering cannot be avoided, so the only way out of it is to endure it and go through it, perhaps with the aid of a caring professional who understands two things: the common signs and indications that all people have following a death, (Lendrum & Syme 2004) and the individual, very personal, symptoms of grief that also need to be met and provided for (Felber 2000). * Sources cited, Bibliography and Further Reading Books Bonanno, George 2009, The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells us About Life After Loss Basic Books Duffey, Thelma 2007, Creative Interventions in Grief and Loss Therapy: When the Music Stops, A Dream Dies. Routledge Dyregrov, D and Dyregrov A 2008, Effective Grief and Bereavement Support: The Role of Family, Friends, Colleagues, Schools and Support Professionals Jessica Kingsley Publishers Felber, Marta 2000, Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies Ave Maria Press Humphrey, GM and Zimpfer, David 2008, Counselling for Grief and Bereavement Sage Publications Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth and Kessler, David 2007, On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss Scribner Kuenning, Delores 1987, Helping People Through Grief Bethany House Lendrum, Susan and Syme, Gabrielle 2004, Gift of Tears: A Practical Approach to Loss and Bereavement in Counselling and Psychotherapy Routledge Levy, Alexander 2000, The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief After the Death of Our Parents Da Capo Press Lewis, C.S 2001, A Grief Observed HarperOne Malkinson, Ruth 2007, Cognitive Grief Therapy: Constructing a Rational Meaning to Life Following Loss W W Norton Nadeau, Janice Winchester 1998, Families Making Sense of Death Sage Neimeyer, Robert 2001, Meaning Reconstruction and the Experience of Loss McGraw-Hill Walsh-Burke, Katherine 2005, Grief and Loss: Theories and Skills for Helping Professionals Allyn and Bacon Walton, Charlie 1996, When There Are No Words: Finding Your Way to Coping With Loss and Grief Pathfinder Publishing Wordon, J. William 2008, Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner Springer Publishing Company Journal Articles Blank, K 2009, Reflections on Grief in J Pastoral Care Counsel Fall-Winter;63(3-4):18-1-2 Parkes, Collin Murray 1985, Bereavement in British Journal of Psychiatry 146, 11-17 --------- 2002, Grief: Lessons from the past, visions for the future in Death Studies Jun;26(5):367-85 Read More