Dimensions of the Couple and Family Map Model - Essay Example

Family Map Project Dimensions of the Couple and Family Map Model There are three dimensions of the couple and family map model. These dimensions are: family cohesion, family flexibility, and family communication. Cohesion is the feeling of emotional closeness to another person (Olson, 2003, as quoted by Olson, et.al., 2005). This cohesion refers to the emotional connection with another member of the family. For some families, this cohesion can fall in four levels or degrees of cohesion: disengaged, connected, cohesive, and enmeshed. Disengaged and enmeshed are extreme forms and levels of cohesion, one is so detached in the family emotional dynamic, and the other is too attached to the family. They sometimes represent unbalanced relationships in the family that prevents healthy family dynamics. Connected and cohesive levels of family cohesion represent the “most functional across the life cycle, in part because they balance separateness and togetherness” (Olson, et.al., 2005). Family flexibility is the “amount of change that occurs in leadership, role relationships, and relationship rules” (Olson, 2003, as quoted by Olson, et.al., 2005). Flexibility refers to the family’s ability to adapt or to adjust to an event and to deal with changes in the family. Flexibility is also categorized into four levels, which are: rigid, structured, flexible and chaotic. The balanced response to change indicates the degree of a family’s flexibility. A rigid family has an extreme resistance to change and the chaotic family leans so much on change that its stability is placed in jeopardy. The structured and flexible family balances stability and change as and when events take place in the family. “Families need a basic foundation that gives them stability, but they also need to be open to change when necessary” (Olson, et.al., 2005). In order for a family to become stronger as a unit, it needs to accept the inevitability of change and still maintain its stability despite the changes. The third dimension of the couple and family map model is communication. “Communication is the grease that smoothes frictions between partners and family members” (Olson, et.al., 2005). Communication allows family members to work through and to work out their problems and issues with each other. It involves listening skills, speaking skills, self-disclosure, clarity, staying on topic, and respect and regard. Listening skills include empathy and giving feedback; it is not just hearing the other person speak, but also listening to what the other person wants to say. Speaking skills involves actually speaking for oneself and not for others. It involves owning up to what one is trying to say and not passing on the responsibility to another member of the family or to another person entirely. Self-disclosure is about sharing one’s personal feelings with family members. Clarity involves expressing oneself clearly to the members of the family. Staying on topic is important when other issues which are not relevant or related to the present issue are being brought up and added into the discussion. Finally respect and regard includes the family’s good intentions and genuine regard for each other (Olson, et.al., 2005). Family Relationships and Current Dimensions Family interactions with each other can run the gamut of emotions from the joyous to the grievous. Family events and changes have the tendency to test the family’s stability and adaptability to change. The characteristics of the family in terms of the three dimensions in the couple and family map will also define how the family handles and deals with tumultuous and challenging upheavals. The events that will be described in this paper shall narrate family events measured against the different dimensions in the family map. Each event shall be broken down based on family cohesion, flexibility, and communication. The family that shall be featured in this paper is my best friend’s family with whom I have shared many moments with and have come to relate and communicate with on a regular basis. They have gone through their share of ups and downs and each trial their family has gone through has both been uplifting and downgrading for their family. This paper seeks to assess their family dynamic in the hopes of further understanding the family in general. Event 1 My friend narrates that the first event that had a big impact on her life was her parent’s divorce. Her parents divorced when she was 13 years old; her parents agreed that it was best that she and her siblings stay with their mother after the divorce. Their father got to see them every other weekend. At the time of the divorce, the family had a disengaged relationship with each other. Her parents were always busy working and did not spend much time with her and her siblings. Her father was always out of town on business trips and her mother was a workaholic, often working long hours as a lawyer. Her relationship with her older brothers was also disengaged at the time of the divorce. They rarely spent time with each other, and when they were at home each one was busy with their own tasks and activities. During weekends, they went their separate ways and spent time with their own circle of friends. Her two brothers sometimes played basketball with each other, but they rarely hang out with her. Occasionally they would get together, but they sometimes felt awkward around each other. As a result of the divorce, my friend’s family became even more disengaged from each other. Their parents barely saw and spoke to each other; and my friend barely spoke to her parents and to her brothers after the divorce. In terms of cohesion, the family at the time of the event can be plotted as disengaged. There is a great degree of separateness in their relationship with each other which became even more separate and disengaged after the divorce. The members of the family had a low emotional connection with each other, and after the divorce, they dealt with the event by drifting even farther away from each other. I plotted their relationship after the divorce as such because at the time of the event, the members of the family rarely spent time with each other. The parents were so focused on their work that they barely had time to nurture a close relationship with their children. As a result, decreased family time also decreased the bond of the siblings. They took the cue from their parents by spending time away from each other, barely getting to know each other. They were not used to sharing their joys and their pain with each other that when their parents divorced, they did not know how to share each other’s pain and hurt. As regards flexibility, my friend’s family may be plotted as chaotic. At the time of the divorce, there was too much change and not enough stability going on in the family. The members of the family were used to doing things their own way. The parents were busy and focused on their careers and the children were also busy with their own lives and their own activities. There were no definite rules in the family and what rules there were were ignored as and when it was convenient for the members of the family. The roles in the family were also chaotic. Since her parents were away at most times, the authority and decision-making roles of their parents were rarely manifested in their lives. When their parents were around, they deferred the decision-making to them; but when their parents were not there, they went about their own activities without consulting their parents. Her older brothers did not mind what her activities and so she got used to not asking their permission in going out and in conducting her own activities. After the divorce, the family flexibility became even more chaotic. Since they seldom deferred to conventional family structures, roles, and rules before the divorce, they dealt with the event in much the same way – without structure and with chaos. The text mentions that the chaotic family operates on the principle that nothing is constant in life but change (Olson, et.al., 2005). As was demonstrated by my friend’s family, the divorce was not too big a change for the family. They were already a chaotic family unit to begin with; the major change in their lives would be chalked down by its members as nothing more than an expected occurrence in their family. In terms of communication, there is no open communication between and among the members of my friend’s family. They barely listened to each other, because they barely spoke to each other in the first place. They did not openly share their feelings and problems with each other, and they eventually had little respect and regard for each other. Between the siblings and their children, communication was at its all-time low. They did not listen to what each party wanted to express. They also did not stay on topic; my friend often expressed how every time she had an argument with her mother, her mother had the habit of not staying on topic. She narrated how her mother often brought up the fact that their father was unreliable at home, even when the topic was not about their father. There was no self-disclosure with their parents because their parents did not express to them before the divorce that they were having marital problems. Because of the bitter relationship that they now had with their parent after the divorce, she and her brothers were not at all disposed to disclose their feelings to their parents. I plotted her family as chaotically disengaged. They were chaotic because there was no definite structure, rules, and roles in the family. They were also disengaged from each other because they barely spent time together as a family unit. Most of the time, they went their separate ways and conducted their activities separate from each other and without consulting each other. Event 2 The second event that my friend chose to share was her father’s death from an automobile accident about 3 years ago. Her father’s death was an abrupt and shocking event in their lives. It came at a time when my friend was slowly resolving issues and reconciling them with her father. It came at a time when the bitterness and indifference she felt for her parents was starting to fade. The event brought her great pain because she felt that she never got to make her peace with her father before he died. In terms of cohesion, at the time of her father’s death, she and her father had a connected relationship. Her father retired from his stressful and busy career and they were slowly and gradually becoming reacquainted with each other. She and her father were both making an effort to connect and bond with each other, and both their efforts were paying off. However, at the time of her father’s death, her relationship with her brothers and her mother was still chaotically disengaged. Her mother was not overly affected by her former husband’s death because they have been disengaged from each other for many years; there was too much separateness between her parents during her father’s death for it to affect her mother monumentally. During her father’s death, she still had a disengaged relationship from her mother and her brothers, so she dealt with her father’s death separately and differently from the rest of her family. In terms of flexibility, at the time of her father’s death, her family still had a chaotic structure. The structure, rules, and roles in her family were hardly present because her brothers have moved out of the house and she was starting college. Her mother was still working, and she let them decide at most times what they wanted to do with their lives. The roles and rules in the family were chaotic, with each member following his own rules and not minding the roles that each one played in the family. As regards her relationship with her father at the time of his death, she had a flexible relationship with him. Their relationship, as was described in the text, was “more democratic, and [had] more role-sharing…” (Olson, et.al., 2005). Her father knew that it had been a long time since he had any role and impact on her life, and he also trusted her enough to make the right decisions in her life. He knew that she would not welcome his interference in her life, and so he respected her decisions while occasionally offering advice. My friend appreciated her father’s efforts to try and make amends and she freely asked for his advice on some of her decisions. As a result of this flexible relationship with her father, my friend was able to cope well with her loss. At first, she was really devastated and was in pain because her loss came at a very inopportune time. But the bond she was starting to develop with her father was not given enough time to take root. In terms of communication, at the time of her father’s death, the members of the family (except for my friend and her father) were not communicating with each other. They did not listen to each other because they were barely speaking with each other. During the few times they did communicate with each other, they barely stayed on topic and did not express themselves clearly. Their respect and regard for each other was also very low. The death of the father did not open the lines of communication. She barely spoke to her mother and her brothers before her father’s death and she found it so awkward to suddenly open the lines of communication with the rest of her family after their father died. As for my friend and her father, they were starting to communicate openly with each other, they listened to each other, and they stayed on topic during their conversations. They were also starting to build their respect and regard for each other. She felt bereft after her father’s death because she knew she would surely miss her conversations with her father. Event 3 My friend got pregnant about a year ago. She is now mother to a 3 month old baby girl. She was in a relationship with someone and that someone bailed on her when he found out she was pregnant. She was adamant about keeping the baby even if she was about to become an unwed single mother. At the time of her pregnancy, she had a connected relationship with her mother and her brothers. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer months before she got pregnant and the event seemed to be the catalyst which opened the lines of communication within her family. While her mother was battling cancer, their relationship as a family unit became closer and stronger. In terms of cohesion, the family relationship at the time of my friend’s pregnancy was connected. The focus of their relationships was the individual. They had their individual identities throughout years of being their own person. However, they were starting to make room for each other in their lives. They met every weekend, had family dinners, occasions, and holidays with each other. However, at most times, they still lived their separate lives and activities apart from each other, coming together only for weekends and during family occasions. But this connection was better from the previous family set-up when they were very much disengaged from each other. As a result of my friend’s pregnancy, her family had an even better connection with each other. In a way, they became more cohesive as a family unit. Her mother was very expectant and very eager to be a grandmother, but in the face of her own mortality, she wanted the opportunity to hold her granddaughter before she passed on. My friend’s brothers were also excited about being uncles. Her family was initially disappointed that she got pregnant at a very young age and without finishing her college studies, but their new bond of connectedness with each other immediately turned this disappointment into eagerness and excitement. Their connection with each other deepened into cohesiveness because the event was a shared experience that they were all excited and happy about. My friend initially dreaded her impending role as a single mother, but with the support of her family, she was now excited to be a new mother. In terms of flexibility, her family may be considered as flexible. Leadership in the family is now shared. Their mother knew that her children were already grown and could make up their own minds about their lives. Sometimes she deferred the leadership to her children when it came to important decisions because she had every confidence that the children would do the right thing. The siblings also had no problem deferring leadership to their mother or to any one of them, as and when it was necessary. The leadership role in their family was open to changes. They openly discussed what was happening in their family and in each other’s lives. The rules in the family were also not rigidly set. Changes in these rules were sometimes allowed especially when all the members agreed that change was needed. After she became pregnant, her family remained flexible. Their family had a balanced relationship; therefore it was able to withstand changes and to remain stable despite the changes in the family. The role sharing that existed in their family before her pregnancy helped ease them into a modicum of stability. Their stability as a unit was not fazed by my friend’s pregnancy. In terms of communication, at the time of my friend’s pregnancy, her family had an open communication with each other. They were listening to each other; more importantly, they were speaking with each other. They were also being clear in their conversations with each other. They were also staying on topic while conversing with each other. They also disclosed their feelings and they openly discussed and settled issues they had in the past. As a result of their open lines of communication, they developed respect and regard for each other. It was easy for my friend to open up to her family about her pregnancy. She knew that she had to tell her family she was pregnant and whatever their reactions would be, that things would eventually fall into their proper place. She was correct in her calculations. Her family’s open communication lines paved the way for acceptance and support. These lines of communication stayed open when she announced she was pregnant. The event did not change their relationship with each other. In a way, they became even more open with each other. My friend became more open in sharing with her family her fears about losing their mother and about being a single mother. They discussed all of these emotions and they were able to deal with these emotions as a flexibly connected family unit. My friend’s family managed to go from a disconnected and chaotic family unit to a flexibly connected one. During the first event, the family was chaotically disengaged from each other. They were also barely communicating with each other. As a result, they dealt with the divorce in a disconnected manner. During the second event, the family was still chaotically disengaged from each other although my friend and her father had a connected relationship with each other. As a result, their father’s death did not cause any major upheavals in the family unit. During the third event, the family was flexibly connected with each other. As a result, they were able to deal well with my friend’s pregnancy. The different dimensions that exist in family units exemplify how different each family unit is, and how each experience can have different effects on the member depending on the family dynamic that exists. Reference Olson, D., et.al. (2005). Marriages and Families, 6th Edition. New York: McGraw-Hill Publishers. Read More