Marriage and Divorce - Essay Example

Marriage and Divorce Love and marriage. The romanticized of matrimony, celebrated by an endless array of song and story, is a concept that is as old as civilization itself. Marriage is something that virtually everyone does but hardly everyone is successful at doing. Few, if any, couples that exchange vows are prepared either practically, emotionally or psychologically in dealing with the realities of a life-long commitment with another person. Therefore, only a minority of marriages can truly be characterized as successful. This is a disturbing and heartbreaking truth because failed marriages bring about lasting detrimental consequences to not only the couple but their children as well. This discussion takes an in-depth look at marriage and divorce including a brief historical assessment, statistics and trends regarding both marriage and divorce and the many varied factors that contribute to divorce. It also includes the story of a couple that are now happily married after both experienced divorce and input from two experts in the field who give advice on how to avoid actions and feelings that contribute to an unhappy marriage. Brief History of Marriage The sanctioned ceremonial joining together of a man and woman can be found throughout all societies of the world and predates the written language, the use of sophisticated tools and expressions of art. However, this practice has taken on many forms in the long history of mankind (“History of Marriage”, n.d.). Ancient peoples formed societies because they found safety in numbers, the ‘pack mentality.’ Pairing-off into man-woman couples provides many advantages that are common to early and modern day people as well which includes the proliferation of bloodlines, a structured system that enhances the chances for successful reproduction and allowing for an orderly procedure in which to pass along property and other assets to family members. Marriage, in both early history and today, is the product of love and affection and, to roughly the same degree, a need for economic and social stability. The custom of wearing a wedding ring dates back to the days of Ancient Rome. Its round form was and is still believed to symbolize an eternal and never-ending union of two souls (“History of Marriage”, n.d.). Around the time of the fall of the Roman Empire, the practice of polygamy was officially prohibited and laws were enacted banning adulterous relationships as well as all other types of relationships that were considered inconsistent with a permanent, monogamous covenant. These laws were the foundation of the concept of marriage that those in modern Western society recognize today. It was also during this period of history, approximately 2,000 years ago, that Augustine and other prominent Christians composed guidelines regarding the marriage ceremony within the boundaries of the Christian Church (“History of Marriage”, n.d.). Those of the Christian faith began having their marriage performed by ministers but it wasn’t until the 12th century that marriage was defined as a formal, religious sacrament endorsed by God. In many regions of Europe during of 18th Century, a new ritual emerged where a small piece of bread or biscuit was broken over the bride’s head as she was exiting the chapel. Guests of the wedding who were still unmarried picked up these pieces and then put them under their pillow while they slept in the belief that this act would assist them in their ambition to be married (“History of Marriage”, n.d.). It is thought that throwing the bouquet and the carving of the wedding cake originates from these customs. During the 19th Century, commonly identified as the Victorian era, the idea of romance and love became regarded as the principal reason for two people uniting in marriage. This resulted in the courting rituals to become increasingly formal in nature (“History of Marriage”, n.d.). For example, if a man was romantically interested in a woman, he could not just approach her and begin an informal dialogue such as he would today. It was required that he be properly introduced then, if she were interested and they began an (innocent) relationship, they had to wait for an appropriate amount of time before they could be seen together in public as a couple. After the man was introduced, they might agree to meet at a social gathering and if he wanted to escort her home, he gave her his card. The woman might collect several cards at an event then would decide which one to accept, if any. All this formality was simply to decide who would take her to back to her parent’s house. Practically all of the courting (dating) took place at the woman’s house and not out of sight from her parents. As the courtship progressed, the couple would be allowed to sit on the front porch together. The couple was rarely seen without some type of chaperone whether at the woman’s house or in public (“History of Marriage”, n.d.). When the man proposed marriage, it was by formal announcement in writing. It is commonly thought that the concept of divorce has existed for about as long as has marriage. It seems that people have never been good at living in a truly monogamous relationship. Divorce was allowed rather liberally in ancient Greece; however, the person applying for the divorce was required to present their request to a local magistrate who then would decide if there was sufficient reason to permit the request. By contrast, divorce was a relative rarity in the early era of Roman society. As the empire expanded in both territory and power, its laws gradually began to accept the concept of divorce. Romans eventually could become divorced practically on a whim of either the husband or wife (“History of Marriage”, n.d.). From about 2,000 years ago until the 16th Century, divorce was commonly considered distasteful. From the early years of Christianity, the only suitable way to end a marriage was for the Church to consent to an annulment. Divorce was to become a significantly historical event when King Henry VIII of Britain decided to divorce Catherine of Aragon. The Roman Catholic Church refused his petition for divorce so Henry broke away from the Church and took the entire nation with him. Thus, the formation of the Protestant religion began because one man wanted a divorce (“History of Marriage”, n.d.). Statistics on Marriage and Divorce The status of marriage, the cohabitation of couples in general, has changed substantially over the past 80 years or so (Saluter & Lugaila, 1996). In 1920, the divorce rate stood at about 12 percent. In 1960, about a quarter of marriages failed and by 1974, the number jumped to a full third of all marriages ending in divorce (Gutierrez, 1988). In 1996, it was reported that almost half (43 percent) of first marriages ended in either divorce or separation by the15th year of the relationship, according to a study conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics (Saluter & Lugaila, 1996). The current trend indicates that not only is the divorce rate steadily increasing but also results from the fact that a greater percentage of people are postponing their first marriage for a few years. This and other changes, such as a greater number of adults living without a partner and more children living in homes that contain just one parent, is causing a widespread change and a re-alignment in the common perceptions of marriage. There were 95 million married adults in 1970 as compared to 38 million single adults in the U.S. A quarter century later the number of married adults climbed to 166 million (23 percent higher) and the number of single adults was 77 million (more than 50 percent higher). Seventy-two percent of adults were married in 1970 but only 60 percent in 1996 (Saluter & Lugaila, 1996). From 1970 to 1996, the number of people whose marital status was ‘currently divorced’ grew by four times, from 4.3 to 18.3 million. This represented three percent of adults in 1970, 10 percent in 1996. Half a million couples cohabitated without benefit of marriage in 1970. In 1996, this number grew to four million, seven times higher than 1970. More than seven percent of households are made of unmarried couples (of the same gender). This compares to one percent during the ‘free love’ era of the late 1960’s. These statistics require some qualification. “Although the unmarried-couple household figure is intended mainly to identify cohabiting couples, and presumably does in most cases, it also may include those with a roomer, boarder, or employee living in the household. The estimate, in turn, misses other cohabiting couples in households where more than two adults are present” (Saluter & Lugaila, 1996). The slogan, ‘The family that prays together stays together’ is well known (“Divorce Statistics”, n.d.). This, of course, is dependent on the quantity of cohesiveness in a particular family. What may be somewhat surprising is that the divorce rate of those who are Jewish or conservative Christian is sizably higher than are those of other religious categories. Thirty percent of Jews and 27 percent of ‘born again’ Christians either have been or are divorced, 24 percent of those who identified themselves as ‘other’ Christians and 20 percent of Atheists and Agnostic fit this category. By area of the country, 27 percent of those who live the South and Midwest either have been or are divorced, 26 in the West and 19 percent in the Northeast (Ontario Consultants on Religious Tolerance, 2006). From a purely statistical and scientific perspective, the divorce rate has grown in large part because of the increased life span during the past century. In 1900, the life expectancy was 47. Today it averages 73. Marriages could last more than 25 years longer thus the rate will naturally increase (Gutierrez, 1988). However interesting and the amount of pertinent information learned from statistical data, numbers do reveal the human aspects of divorce. Contributing Factors to Divorce In every developed country, the rate at which couples divorce has climbed, although not necessarily steadily, from whatever point in modern history one may choose. Though many reasons can be cited as to why couples divorce, it has been demonstrated through various studies that there are two prevalent causes driving the divorce rate consistently higher, not only in the U.S. but in all other parts of the world. The degree to which women depend on men for their financial survival has consistently decreased over the years. Second, the availability of birth control allows people to segregate sexual relations from bearing children (Saluter & Lugaila, 1996). Another reason for a rise in the divorce rate is attributed to “no-fault divorce laws, which give all spouses unrestricted access to divorce” (Family Research Council, 2004). It should be mentioned that many couples stay together even though they are unhappy in the marriage because of financial or religious considerations and a reluctance to upset their children’s or their own lives. Thus, “many marriages that do not end up in divorce are often as unhappy and even unhappier than those marriages that have” (Saluter & Lugaila, 1996). One of the only comprehensive studies examining the motives for divorce scrutinized the counseling reports from more than 600 couples who had applied for divorce. Men responded that inattentiveness of the children and home, mental cruelty, sexual incompatibility and infidelity were the main reasons for filing. Women cited mental and physical cruelty, alcohol abuse and financial difficulties. In general, persons in the economic middle class are concerned with emotional and psychological satisfaction. Lower-class couples are concerned more with physical actions of their husbands and financial difficulties within the relationship. Numerous background elements are associated with higher rates of divorce. For instance, couples who are better educated have a lower risk of divorce than do those who are less as well educated. Accordingly, “divorce is more common among lower socioeconomic groups than among professional groups” (Gutierrez, 1988). In addition to divorce rates being tied to economic concerns, it is commonly acknowledged that marriage is as well. Married couples, on average, enjoy larger incomes than do those who are not cohabitating but are not married. Therefore, studies that make comparisons between domestic violence, overall happiness and health disparities find those who are married and those who are not are actually measuring the effects of affluence. Wealthier couples enjoy enhanced access to health care, education, live in safer neighborhoods and have more life options. For couples that choose to live together, not being married isn’t what their problem is, it’s poverty (Solot & Miller, 2007). When examining the cultural issues regarding marriage and divorce, the redefining and subsequent confusion regarding specific gender responsibilities has caused a negative impact on marriage. In part because of the Women’s Liberation Movement, women’s status in society and the way they view their role in the marriage and family changed radically in a relatively short period of time. Men have responded to this change in different ways and many remain largely uncertain of exactly how to react to it. The gender role they learned as children by observing their parents’ behavior are seldom relevant in an age where women either want a career or simply need to be employed. By and large, both partners did not need to work in the 1950’s, for example, but in the economy of today, they do. “The rapidly changing status of women and the resultant demands on men being aspects of social changes to which many people have not adjusted, particularly in relation to concepts of marriage” (Standing Committee on Legal and Constitutional Affairs, 1998). Several studies have suggested that when many couples marry, each member of the couple believes an individual’s rights and desires supersede compromising for the sake of the marriage. It is argued these couples are improperly equipped to handle a lifelong marital commitment. They frequently have impracticable expectations regarding the challenges of marriage. It does not help that the media often projects idyllic marriages which also contributes to heightened expectations to those that do not necessarily possess marital skills. In terms of the interpersonal aspect of marriage, the ability to effectively communicate is often cited as one of the main causes for the breakdown of a marriage. Couples frequently convey that their emotional needs are seldom acknowledged and that they want their partner to listen without becoming angry or defensive. “There appears to be a lack of social/relationship skills in dealing with problems in relationships. Parties need assistance in developing negotiation skills to relate effectively” (Standing Committee on Legal and Constitutional Affairs, 1998). Interview/Personal Research Though no marriage or divorce can be classified as typical because of the wide variety of unique dynamics involved in each relationship, similarities can be identified. By interviewing people that have experienced both the ups and downs of marital relations, others may find helpful information from their real-life stories that extend past what one might learn from literary works alone. The interview’s to follow were conducted with a couple in their early 40’s who have both been divorced from marriages that produced children and now have found what they describe as a marriage that is as ideal as one could be. Dave and Trudy met 10 years ago at a renaissance festival. Both had their children along with them so Dave’s two kids and Trudy’s one, who were all elementary school-aged, all met at the same time. Both had been divorced for three years and neither had been in a serious relationship since nor was either looking for one at the time they met. Trudy’s first marriage was emotionally abusive. She had moved out of her parent’s house at age 15 yet stayed in school. She lived alone on the beach and subsisted by working odd jobs. At age 18, she was working the night shift at a gas station when she met a guy who was especially nice to her, which in her life was a rarity. Though she was (and is) an incredibly pleasant person with a warm, loving personality and strikingly good looking as well, she had been a loner with few friends and no family. The relationship progressed and she decided to move in with him. Though she became quickly unhappy, she also became pregnant and was married soon after the child was born. The husband never wanted or accepted the ‘family life’ and was seldom home, which Trudy said she was fine with because they only fought when he was home anyway. He was also openly involved in several extra-marital affairs and spent all of their money on other women and bar-hopping. Trudy and her child regularly went hungry and the utilities were turned-off on many occasions. Trudy had been much better off when she was homeless on the beach. When her child was one, Trudy contacted her mother and moved back home. On the way, she had to beg for food to feed her child. Life with her mother was unpleasant but her child had food to eat. After about a year, Trudy’s mother, a staunch Christian woman, convinced her to try and save the marriage so Trudy moved back in with her husband. Trudy said that, at the time, it seemed the lesser of two evils because her mother was relentless in her efforts in persuading her to do what ‘God wanted’ and live as a family. As a Christian, Trudy agreed to some extent as well so she made an effort but this time, the husband’s actions were worse than before. When her child was three, she moved out for good and filed for divorce. She justified it in her own mind by referring to the Bible and discovered that adultery was cause for divorce. She moved back to her mother’s house and vowed to never marry again. Dave was in trade school, in his early 20’s, and had never been involved in a meaningful relationship. He had given up on finding true love because everyone he had dated was far from what he was looking for. He wanted a family and yearned to be a father. To him, nothing was more important and, as a single person, his life felt meaningless at the time. He began dating a nurse who was not close to his level in intellectual terms nor was he attracted to her physically. They had nothing in common either. He was adventurous, was involved in sporting activities, read extensively and kept up with current events. She was happy going to work then returning home to watch television and was interested in little else. However, she was a ‘motherly type’ and a skilled emergency room nurse. Dave thought that this person would be the ideal mother to his children and that he would learn to love her over time so he proposed marriage. As would be expected, the marriage was not a happy one. When friends would come to the house, the conversations were lively and covered many topics including politics, science, world affairs, sports, etc. while his wife sat silent in a corner of the room upset that she was not included. Dave attempted to bring her into the conversations but to no avail. Dave liked to venture outside the house. They went to fairs, festivals, boating on area lakes, exhibits and many other events but while Dave was enthralled, his wife was bored and just wanted to go home. After four years of marriage, they separated amicably, Dave helped her move and made sure she had everything she needed. Dave was ready to move on with his life realizing that this relationship could not work but was still disappointed that the prospects for a family remained elusive. After six months, Trudy moved herself back in while Dave was at work. He did not have the heart to tell her to leave so the marriage resumed and was a relatively happy one for a short while. During this time, his wife became pregnant which, for Dave, solidified the relationship and ended any thoughts he may have entertained for dissolving it for good. The baby came and Dave could not have been more thrilled. However, his attention was directed 100 percent toward the child and he cared for its every need. His wife fell ill following the new arrival so Dave happily became both mom and dad for the first couple of months. His wife again was on the outside looking in on Dave’s interests and activities. His interest was not in keeping the marriage alive as it had been before, he was focused on the child and only the child. A second child was born but the marriage had long since become a sham. His wife began cheating on him and he really couldn’t blame her. He also didn’t really care. He had his children and that was enough for him. After a couple of years, Dave’s wife announced that she was leaving him for another man. Dave accepted this but demanded that he have his children on an every-other-day basis. She agreed and Dave ended up having the children even more than that so he was happy. He was with his kids and without her, life was good. He and the kids were out on one of their many various outings when they met Trudy and her child. The group spent the entire day at the fair together and had a marvelous time but neither made plans to see each other again. Fortunately for them, Trudy had showed Dave’s oldest child her business card which had colorful dolphins imprinted on it. The child asked to keep it to show her friends. The next week, Dave’s child asked him if he was going to see Trudy again and he said no, that he did not want to be involved in a relationship again, all he wanted to do was be with his kids. She pleaded with him to call her but Dave said that even if he wanted to, he did not know her phone number. The child produced the card but Dave still resisted. A few days later, he decided to call and the rest is history. Both Trudy and Dave loved their children dearly and had no plans to remarry. Their experiences had soured them on the idea and both were quite happy in their present situation. As their relationship slowly progressed, they learned that they had much in common and both admit to an intense physical attraction as well. He considers her one of the most intelligent person’s he has ever met which is for him an attractive quality. She echoes this statement. They enjoy discussing and debating a large variety of widely diverse topics and walks along the beach as well. They just like being together, wherever they are. They are compatible. This, they say, is the most important aspect of a good marriage. These are two people that were not looking for love or marriage nor did they want to suffer through another bad marriage and subsequent divorce but they too compatible to ignore. It’s not that they necessarily liked to do exactly same types of activities or shared similar hobbies. They enjoy new experiences and learning new things, neither care for the ‘bar scene,’ they enjoy the company of children and participating in activities that interests them and both love all types of music. Neither is wealth-driven. Both are essentially the type of people who are happy with what they have and do not yearn for additional possessions. It’s not specific interests that define compatibility. If a couple shares general interests and at least a somewhat common outlook on subjects such as morality and social issues, they could be compatible. Another important aspect of a good marriage is respect. They both admire the other person, as a person. They would like and respect each other whether married or not. Primarily because of this, their arguments are low volume, short-lived and hard feelings rarely last for very long. They claim to have a heated exchange about once or twice a year. It is usually the result of a misunderstanding when one or both are feeling stress due to an outside influence. Dave and Trudy went through bad marriages and divorce but learned from their youthful mistakes. Maturing, compatibility and respect seem to be the recipe for marital success or at least give the marriage a chance to be successful because without any one of these three elements, it would seem difficult to sustain a life-long relationship. Solutions Marriage counselors offer specific advice based on studies conducted on thousands of cases over many years. The following is but an example of some of the expert recommendations designed to help couples enjoy a successful marriage: When a couple is preparing to be married, they should discuss things that are important to them such as parenting, religion, where they will live, who earns the income, future financial plans and which one, if one, is to be a stay-at-home parent. “Talking about such important matters now will help you understand each other better and encourage open communication from the start” (Wendt, 2006). When the honeymoon is over and the hot flame of a new relationship is now a smoldering ember, couples begin to understand the amount of effort involved in maintaining a happy marriage. Positively managing conflicts within the relationship becomes the main concern. All married couples argue but for marriages to be successful, the partners must learn proper way to argue. The principal rule to managing an argument is both must think and speak rationally and not allow emotions to escalate the situation. “Visualize a continuum of emotions running from 0 to 10, with 10 being the highest level of anger and dissent; you should try to keep your arguments/discussions at level 3 where you are engaged in the issues but not so overwhelmed by feelings that rational thinking is impossible” (Phillips, 2007). While arguing, do not be tempted to tell a partner they are wrong, because they are not. A person’s perception of a situation becomes their reality and is why they feel or act in a certain way. It will serve only to make that person take a defensive stance thus injecting more emotion into the disagreement. Raising the emotional level leads to impulsive responses, some of which may be very hurtful and hard to take back (Wasson, 2007). Many times, there is still hope even when a marriage is and has been in danger of ending, if one partner rejects marriage counseling or indicates that they aren’t ‘in love’ anymore. A good beginning point would be to attempt to understand the reasons they feel the way they do. Many people try to persuade their partner that their feelings about the relationship are not the way things really are. The reality that the spouse has a different perception of the relationship must be acknowledged. If this is not understood and the partner’s discontent is not accepted as real, the marriage is almost certainly doomed to fail. When either partner, or both, wants out of the marriage, if it is to be saved, both must look inside themselves to find what they can do to change the current situation. If the couple does nothing to alter their own reactions and perceptions, the relationship will likely not improve. “If you don’t change your direction, you won’t change your destination” (Wasson, 2007). Before a partner decides on the course to take when a marriage is failing, they should ask themselves several questions beside the cost of the divorce beyond the financial expense, which could be many thousands of dollars. The questions include: Is the divorce worth the massive amounts of the stress that it will cause that will also affect health? Does the marriage merit the effort that it would take to learn innovative methods by which to reunite with the partner? To what extent will I regret losing the marriage and how the divorce would negatively affect children and other members of the family? How a person answers these questions will enlighten them as to how dedicated they are regarding saving the marriage. If they decide the marriage is worth saving, it is never easy but nevertheless can be accomplished. It starts with introspection on the part of both partners. “A writer who doesn’t like the story (they are) writing can decide to start a new story” (Wasson, 2007). Love and marriage. Love is an intangible concept and impossible to measure or manipulate but marriage is very real. Techniques can be applied that will make the marriage stronger while inappropriate words and actions will make it weaker. A strong marriage is built on a solid foundation of compatibility and communication. Routine maintenance is also required for the marriage to last beyond the initial flame and not turn to the cold ashes of divorce. References “A Brief History of Marriage.” (n.d.). Genealogy. UKTV. Available February 14, 2007 from < http://uktv.co.uk/index.cfm/uktv/History.item/aid/581541> “Divorce Statistics Collection: Summary of Findings so Far.” (n.d.). Divorce Reform. Americans for Divorce Reform. Available February 14, 2007 from Family Research Council. (April 2, 2004). “Deterring Divorce.” Defending Holy Matrimony. Available February 14, 2007 from Gutierrez, Peter. (1988). “On Divorce.” The Skeptic Files. Available February 14, 2007 from < http://www.skepticfiles.org/aj/divorce.htm> Ontario Consultants on Religious Tolerance. (2006). “US Divorce Rates for Various Faith Groups, Age Groups and Geographic Areas.” Religious Tolerance. Available February 14, 2007 from Phillips, Betty W. (February 2, 2007). “How to Argue and Stay Married.” Available February 14, 2007 from Saluter, Arlene F. & Lugaila, Terry A. (March 1996). “Marital Status and Living Population Characteristics, Arrangements.” U.S. Census. Available February 14, 2007 from Standing Committee on Legal and Constitutional Affairs. (1998). “Factors Contributing to Marriage Relationship Breakdown.” To Have and to Hold. Available February 14, 2007 from < http://www.aph.gov.au/House/committee/laca/Famserv/chap4-1.pdf> Solot, Dorian & Miller, Marshall. (2007). “Marriage – Only Forces Don’t Help Today’s Families.” Alternative to Marriage Project. Available February 14, 2007 from Wasson, Nancy. (2007). “Keep Your Marriage.” Available February 14, 2007 from Wendt, Lorna Jorgenson. (2006). “Before Marriage”, “During Marriage.” The Equality in Marriage Institute. Available February 14, 2007 from Read More