Analysis of Mrs Miller's Monologue - Essay Example

?Mrs.Miller’s Monologue: Since my husband’s death a few years ago, I am increasingly feeling lonely. My advancing age is also making my life difficult. Relatives are no consolation either. To the contrary they prove unbearable in the limited time I spend with them. I try to distract myself everyday by going to the market and cafe. I have a favorite cafe, where the waitress is a friend. I chat with her and catch up on interesting things. Some days I go to the cinema, though I do not particularly enjoy the films being made these days. But at least, it helps me keep away thoughts of acute loneliness and the persistent fear of death that visits my mind. My daily routines provide another source of comfort during my old age. The punctual regime of waking up at the stroke of dawn, making my own breakfast, cleaning the two rooms and the kitchen, at prefixed hours gives me a sense of surety. At the same time, at times these daily routines could be oppressive, as they constrain me from trying something new or different – activities that would cheer me up or rejuvenate me. At times I think that I should volunteer for community work, so that I meet up new people and perhaps acquire new friends. The death of my husband has been a catastrophic event in my life. Since his demise, I’ve lost a great deal of physical and mental strength to face up to life’s challenges. He was a man whom I deeply loved; to lose him at an untimely and premature fashion has shattered me deep inside. That we did not have children during our married life further adds to my pain and loneliness. When I was young, I would dream of having kids of my own as part of married life. This dream was never fulfilled. But, whenever I look at children in the streets, they bring out my unfulfilled maternal instincts and make me feel incomplete. This longing has, in recent times, invaded my nightly dreams as well, as images of little girls frequent the fantasy world of my sleep. When I first encountered the little girl Miriam (how strange but inevitable that her name is same as that of mine), I felt a genuine affection for her. Although I did not show it expressly (or at least I thought I did not), perhaps, she too sensed my loneliness. This is probably what gave her the license to come visit me again without me having invited her. For a girl who is hardly 10 years, it’s remarkable the way she behaves. There is something strange about young Miriam as well. She sometimes seems to possess wisdom that is beyond her years (as evident in the range of vocabulary she uses). Yet, at other times, she behaves very petulantly, as in the other day, when she broke the flower vase and trampled the flowers in anger. What is so eerie with respect to young Miriam is that she somehow managed to see through my loneliness. It was this weakness in me which she thoroughly exploits. Despite my utterances to the contrary, Miriam knows quite well that I don’t mind her company, however annoying her behavior is. It could also be true that Miriam is fulfilling my unrequited motherhood. This is perhaps the reason that I get recurrent dreams involving marriage, young girls, etc. The void left by unrequited motherhood must have gotten embedded so deeply in the subconscious that they appear both as conscious thoughts during my waking hours and as persistent dreams during my sleep. With each passing day I am unable to distinguish between what is dream and what is reality. This is highly troubling, as I may eventually lose my sanity if this pattern intensifies. As for young Miriam though, despite her petulance and naughtiness, she is a nice girl. She has some adorable qualities about her. The brilliant white hair of hers and the sprinkle in her searching eyes are very attractive. She also has a mature understanding of human frailties. She was able to spot the loneliness and longing in my heart upfront and from that moment on I’ve been under her spell. She’d somehow become the center of my life however reluctantly I want to admit it. Her most outstanding quality, I have assessed, is her guts. It takes a lot of guts to single-mindedly pursue me the way she has done. Despite my stringent warnings to leave me alone, I can’t fathom how she comes back and takes liberties with me. It is as if there is a pre-destined relationship between the two of us that she is totally cognizant of. What I say or do will have very little bearing on how the relationship unfolds. She never mentioned her parents or a family. The only reference she made was a poor old man with whom she lived before. So it is likely that he is her foster parent or guardian. And her own lack of roots is the reason for her to seek the comfort and security of my home. In this way, we both are just in the same position, albeit separated by our age and experience. She needed a mother just as much as I missed having a daughter. I’ve even dreamed of a congenial home atmosphere in my old age, where a young, vibrant and beautiful daughter such as Miriam would provide motivation and support. It would be ideal that I spend the twilight years of my life in that fashion. But something deep within my heart says that it is not feasible. I’ve started to wonder, why, despite what looks like a convenient arrangement for both of us I wouldn’t allow her to come stay with me. The more I think of it, the more confused I become. What troubles me most with respect to young Miriam is the great fear she induces in me. The other day, when she tried to move in to my house and arrived with her dolls and clothes all packed in, she created great panic in my heart. The reason escapes me, as to why I should be so afraid. After all, we both could fulfill and complement the emptiness in our lives. It is in recognition of this potential fulfillment that I bought almond-cakes and cherries for Miriam. Yet, why should I shiver and shake when she insists on staying with me. The more I think about it, the more confused I get. As to the Miriam puzzle, I think I now have an answer. It is impossible for a girl of her age to find out my address just with the help of my first name. There must be a more intimate connection between the two of us that escapes my conscious recognition. I think the same identification ‘Miriam’ for both of us is a strong clue. In this regard, it is possible that young Miriam is not a real person at all, but an illusion contrived by my depressed psychology. It is very likely that she is just a character out of my nocturnal dreams, where I often see young girls and wedding occasions. This also explains why I shivered and shook upon Miriam’s insistence to stay with me – because it is impossible to stay with a non-existent person. There is a lot more going on deep down in my psyche than I am consciously privy to. But based on what I am able to analyze and rationalize, it is fair to assume that young Miriam is a mirage in the landscape of my famished and desolate mind. I rather accept this reality and learn to cope with my loneliness in a pragmatic manner. Otherwise, I may have to spend the last years of my life in a lunatic asylum. Such an outcome would be the most tragic end to my life. And I sincerely hope that I am destined for something better than that. Read More