My Inner-Outer Dance - Behavior in a Tricky Situation - Essay Example

Conflicts between two people in a kind of relationship are unavoidable in this life. Being brought up in an unstable marriage institution is a torture in one way or the other. Dad being away most of the times things got a little out of hand for mom as I later learned. It was tolerable at first as she excused herself with piled workloads at the office. It was a huge disappointment to learn that the person I was looking up to was now turning into an alcoholic. The frequency of arguments with dad over the phone and when he came home was increasing. I later on questioned her about her change of character when the situation got worse, and her answer was hurtful. She stated that I was too young to understand the situation. The situation got out of hand when I threatened to leave home and go live with a grandmother. Uncle Ted among others came, and while talking about the issue, one thing did not make me happy. I was asked to forget about the matter and not speak about it with dad no matter the situation. Part one Judging and blaming My mother had been the closest friend from the day I understood what friendship meant. She had been an answer to the questions about life that seemed unanswerable. She was a solution to a variety of challenges in life always being there for us. The person who had been a mentor losing herself was more than traumatizing, and I judged her thinking that she was doing all this to herself. Blames for my deteriorating social life was directed towards this changed figure that was giving me nightmares. Every time I looked at her, anger rose like mercury in a thermometer and my mind was filled with blames for every little mishap that was happening in my life. Connecting with my observations The worst feeling so far is being disappointed by the person one considers perfect and a role model. At first, the trust built blinds an individual trusting every word given by the other party. The trust and belief on my mother prevented me from judging as in the first step of judging and blaming after making the observations on the altered behavior towards the worst. Denial becomes the main thing as one tries as much as possible not to judge and associate challenges faced with what is happening with the other party. The love and connection to the other person in conflict prevents one from placing blames on the individual who in the real sense is the cause of the problems. Accepting the reality is a task on its own which is what eventually grants one the urge and courage to pose questions on individual causing the conflict. Connecting with my feelings Disappointments and hurtful acts cause the developments of various feelings. Connection with the observations dawns a painful reality to an individual. After noticing the frequent misbehavior, devastation kicked in, and I started getting distant. The rate of communication reduced no matter the complexity of the situation faced. After continuous display of the behavior with little concern for what I was going through, anger kicked in, and I started evading the reality by playing more computer games and watching television. However, this did not help as I was still in the same place observing as in the second step of connecting with her behaviors and getting more agitated. Having no one to talk to due to the warning given not to talk to dad about it led to a feeling vulnerability. One feels exposed and fragile to the cruel world. Connecting with my needs Negative feelings develop in such a situation due to failure of one party to meet emotional feelings of an individual. There are several things need to the parent especially the one closest to an individual. One needs to see the love, care, and concern from the mom who claims to have unconditional love towards the child. Deceit from the guardians deprives one of honesty which is what every child looks for from the parents. It forms a good basis for nurturing one to be a productive and responsible member of the community. Irresponsibility of the parent deprives me or rather an individual of several needs which is what results in the development of negative feelings towards an individual. Understanding is crucial in such kind of a relationship. My mother does not seem to understand the torture I am going through due to her behaviors. Being considerate is imperative in such a situation. Connecting with my requests Honesty is vital in any relationship. Understanding and openness should be treated the same as various external forces can affect the character of an individual and thus distort a relationship. Something caused the change in behavior of mom’s character. A good explanation in one way or the other would prove crucial in the quest to save the other party the agony. The needs developed in the previous step of connecting with my needs can be expressed in making requests that provide answers to my questions. I have a series of questions running through my head and failure to understand why mom is doing these results in feelings as seen in the step of connecting with my feelings. The feelings developed are negative and are doing more harm than good to the relationship. Part two Expressing my observations In a relationship, it is vital to make it clear to the other party that you have noticed something wrong. I expressed my observations by reduced rate of communication and staying up late to show her that I have noticed the changed behavior. Furthermore, I expressed my observation through asking questions that she could not answer, questions that would require a full explanation of why the sudden change in behavior. I would stay update and let her see me as I watch stagger towards the door. I would dress warmly and appear frustrated just to show her how much she has abdicated her responsibilities as her parent. Expressing my feelings Continuous display of the bad behaviors by my mom led to a pileup of feelings such as anger which in the end could not be hidden. At some point, I remember tears after she came staggering and could not even manage to ask me how my day was despite not seeing or communicating with each other from morning. I had not taken anything and when she offered to prepare me something to eat I turned it down due to frustrations. The observations as mentioned in the previous step expressing my observations fueled the emotions that were eating me up from inside. I tried as much as possible to show her that she was the cause of everything and had the chance to do something to save our long term relationship. I could leave the dining table while we were still eating and bang my bedroom door just to show her my level of frustrations. Expressing my needs In such a situation, the offended has specific needs that need to be met. Expressing needs can be related to expression of feelings in the previous step of expressing my needs. Tears while looking at her while she staggered across the lounge show the feelings of frustration and despair. Losing focus by a leader means the person who looks up to that person has a high chance of losing sense of direction. My fear of having a sense of belonging led to speaking out to her directly telling her about complaints made by teachers in school and other people who have known me for a long time. Such an action portrays the need to have a person who provides guidance, care, and support. Expressing my request Communication is vital in the quest to settle any dispute. In my situation, I expressed my request through talking to my Uncle and other people. I talked to mom but feelings dominated my mind thus could not settle. I had a million questions to ask my mom having in mind how she tells me to be strong while facing a difficult situation, and a solution will present itself. I felt disappointed and wanted to request my mom to speak out what the issue is and am certain a solution can be achieved. I asked Uncle Ted to move in even with us for the time being and see how the situation gets worst with time. Talking helps one in controlling the emotional feelings and think in terms of ‘how can I help my mother?’ Part three Facing such a tricky situation makes on understand various things about one. The first thing I learned about myself is that I am keen and can easily notice changes. Despite the excuses given by mom about her coming late I doubted and stayed up late so that I could find out. The other component I have noticed about myself is that am quick to anger. The banging of the door was a completely new thing to me. There was no point I ever imagined doing such a thing especially with my parents. I lost hope in life, and all was thinking about was how I could leave and never come back to this horrible place. The final thing I learned about myself is that am considerate. At one point despite being angry and frustrated, I helped my mother up the stairs when she was drunk and could not carry herself up the stairs. The love I have for her still dominated the anger and frustrations. Read More