Differentiation and Intimacy - Essay Example

? Human sexuality Human sexuality David Schnarch developed theories that aided understanding of how social groups, marriages and families influence people’s thinking capabilities, actions and feelings. Through his differentiation theory, he suggested that vulnerability of individuals to group pressures varies, as well as variation of amount of pressure exerted by a group on an individual. This paper will explore the central ideas in differentiation, intimacy, holding onto you and normal marriage sadism. Differentiation: Developing a Self-in-Relation Two basic forces of life drive differentiation, especially distinctiveness and togetherness. Individuality helps individuals to be themselves by creating their identities as they follow certain directions. It is fundamental to acknowledge that togetherness is an act of pushing oneself to other people’s directions making one part of a group. Individuality and togetherness have balanced and healthy expressions when fused together. These two important components of differentiation affect relationships in several dramatic ways especially by providing an individual with ability to maintain his self-sense when he is either physically or emotionally close to others. It becomes more challenging when the persons are closely important to the individual. During pressure, especially when there is intense lobbying for conformity from friends and family members, differentiation enables one to maintain his course and direction. A person who is not capable of undergoing emotional fusion is often labeled as emotionally fuse (Schnarch, 2009). Differentiation also provides an individual with the ability to maintain his self-sense during times when his or her partner is away especially during the early periods of a relationship. In as much as an individual values his contact with the partner, he must never allow himself to fall apart when alone. It is not similar to individualism because it provides one with the ability to find equilibrium between individuality and togetherness. A person who is differentiated is not only strong but also permeable. Regardless of manipulation and moldings from a partner, a differentiated individual can still afford to remain collected and calm. This individual would be able to change and retain his identity with admirable values and cores. However, differentiation should not be mistaken as the absence of emotions or feelings. One can easily connect with his partner without being afraid of his emotions. The solution entails conduct an effective subjective and objective evaluation of emotions. Additionally, differentiation is a type of self-determination that does not imply to any kind of selfishness. One can choose to be guided by self-interests of his partner at the expense of his own agenda. This does not mean that he is under rule from the other. A differentiated person recognizes the fact that people are different in nature and therefore have different interests. He must appreciate what these people want for themselves. Although, various ways of expressing love are evident, differentiation is a distinct way of articulating love. It is argued as a noble concept that one could partake. In couple’s therapy, differentiation can enable each partner to understand themselves in terms of both strengths and limitations and use constituting factors to enhance their marriage (Charlton & Yalom, 1997). Intimacy Intimacy is an experience that makes one aware that he is separate from his partner though he has parts and feelings that need sharing. It normally accompanies communication where each partner freely discloses personal information to the other. However, communication can exist without intimacy, especially in situations where people are engaged in verbal exchanges. Communication is not confined to absence of exchanges between couples because it entails any interaction that makes partners in marriage feel bad though this is poor communication. This implies that intimacy cannot be measured using communication if messages being communicated cannot be understood. Intimacy is a unique part of a relationship that can be developed through self-validation, independent disclosure and divergence. In a marriage set up between couples, the person whose desire for intimacy is less often controls intimacy in that relationship if the partners depend on each other’s validation. It involves executing two missions of confronting self and disclosing self to a partner. Disclosing self to others implies that an individual expects empathy, validation and acceptance or even reciprocal disclosure from his audience. Conversely, self-disclosure intimacy depends on the maintenance of self worth and identity by an individual without expecting reciprocation, acceptance or empathy. Self-validated intimacy has proportional bearings with differentiation levels within an individual. In self-validated intimacy, one provides support for self while at the same time letting themselves be known. This might contradict the idea of differentiation as the maintenance of self especially when one maintains contact with other people. However, differentiation forms a good foundation for a lasting intimacy in marriage. Through intimacy, the embodiment of holding onto oneself is unleashed. A lasting marital relationship involves partners who are free to express themselves honestly without fear of the other partners’ silencing. This marital affair is prone to remain intimate based on each other’s validation of self, though; this is not mutual weakness (Schnarch, 2009). An additional validated intimacy requires fusion of thoughts and acceptance of self. This kind of intimacy requires consensus as a key driving force before the commission of any task in the relationship. This relationship must be defined by empathy, validation, acceptance, empathy and reciprocation. It is fundamental to acknowledge that growth and development of one partner must affect the other partner as well. The moment one partner decides to hold to self in such a association means that another partner would be controlled in the same manner. It is clear that fighting cannot be ruled out when either of the partners in the relationship expects validation, trust and common reality. Highly differentiated people experience other-validated intimacy feelings that ensure their relationship lasts. However, experts argued that other-validated intimacy could only act as an artificial improvement of a relationship. However, it is associated with several setbacks (Schnarch, 2009). This category of intimacy encourages each partner to be solely dependent on the whims displayed by other persons. The problem highlighted by such a scenario is that relationships undergo some low moments such as stress making it difficult for partners to enjoy true intimacy. A deeper analysis indicates that poorly differentiated people need other-validated intimacy. However, this type of relationship is difficult to maintain. This type of intimacy could be confusing because one hopes that his or her partner controls actions. The sharing of personal information between couples enables them to reciprocate their disclosures. However, these disclosures can be used against any of the partners when the relationship breaks up. Therefore, other validated intimacy puts the couples into a situation of feeling bad for each other. Additionally, other-validated intimacy has inherent limitations due to self-presentation instead of self-disclosure. By presenting self, a partner can easily adapt to the differences of partner to reduce anxiety. This act does not guarantee acceptance security because of the knowledge that the other partner has information about them. Forcing the other partner feel secure might lead to insecurity in the remaining partner. An additional problem with other-validated intimacy is the capability to make one partner feel manipulated by the realities of the other partner. In couple’s therapy, intimacy helps couples to open up to their partners with intention of living a trustworthy life (Charlton & Yalom, 1997). Holding onto yourself Holding onto oneself requires some personal development and crucial fundamental changes in the life of an individual. Some of the activities involved in holding to oneself include the maintenance of a clear sense of identity especially when intimacy with a partner increases. The partner must acknowledge his beliefs and values. It also involves maintaining a perspective of limitations, shortcomings and anxieties that usually activates or deactivates them. Holding onto oneself is also the willingness to confront self. This is important for the growth of an individual. An individual is able to rise up against his or her fears, hatred, selfishness and manipulations towards other people. It also involves acknowledgement of one’s distortions and projections. One should freely admit when he or she is wrong and allow corrections for the purposes of moving on. Finally, holding one yourself requires tolerance of pains associated with growth. One would have to organize himself to achieve growth that he aspires and values. When somebody is hurt in any way, he or she should strive to sooth away the pain without over -indulging with self (Charlton & Yalom, 1997). Although it is normally difficult to hold onto yourself, the benefits associated with it are numerous. The ability for an individual to hold onto himself is important because it allows pullout from negative interactions and admission of positive feelings. It is important to acknowledge that one must stand independently in trouble. This means that when one partner goes down with stress and depression, the other partner must remain solidly strong. Some people would argue that holding onto oneself is a deprivation of empathy. However, when one becomes offended whenever the other partner is distraught, it implies that the relationship is stable. People with poor differentiation contain their reactivity by acting indifferently. Holding onto yourself allows a partner to develop deep connections with feelings of other partner without any break of contact or being reactive. The essence of holding onto oneself is for a partner to allow the decisions of one partner to influence her spouse without losing resilience of self. It also allows the demonstration of mutuality where one partner decides to forego his or her personal gratification for the sake of partner. It is through holding onto oneself that sex and intimacy is achieved. Without holding to oneself, key aspects of intimacy such as self-confrontation and disclosure are in jeopardy (Charlton & Yalom, 1997). One partner cannot control the other in a marital affair by developing adequate self-control mechanisms. This is based on the premise that when one person has the capability of controlling self, then he will have less desire to control others. The ideology behind this ideology is practicing self-mastery. It is through self-mastery that cooperation is built in a marriage. The two aspects of holding to oneself especially self-confrontation and soothing affect interaction patterns in a relationship or marriage. All issues pertaining to marital affairs involves both high desire and low desire partnership. It is important that each partner identify their high and low desires and act with intention of acting on them for the sake of the relationship. Based on these considerations, it is crucial to acknowledge that holding onto oneself should not be mistaken with adversaries. This means that couples must not always be opposing each other as a show of holding onto self. Additionally, for each of the partners in a relationship or a marital affair to comfortably hold onto self, he or she must build an precise picture of self and partner. It is through holding to oneself that a couple would be able to disclose their limitation or shortcomings to the other partner. This information is essential for the couple’s therapy (Schnarch, 2009). Normal marital sadism Many situations in life present people with opportunities for making decisions. Making some decisions involves hard choices presenting dilemmas to decision makers. Couples have mostly two choice dilemmas in marital affairs. The two-choice dilemma should not prevent couples from making important choices that pertains to their marriages. Instead, they should face the choices directly despite the difficulties. Some of the difficulties associated with two-choice dilemma include the inability of a partner to maintain calmness amidst the agenda of another partner and refusal to consider a partner as an independent person by the other partner. Couples are also not willing to tolerate their personal growth anxieties because they are rigid especially when handling tough positions (Charlton & Yalom, 1997). There are only two ways of dealing with two-choice dilemmas. These are confronting and dealing with the surrounding issues with intention of getting to core of the problem or avoiding them. However, avoiding them is a choice that has its consequences. As one partner avoids the dilemmas, he or she is truncating the growth or happiness of another partner. Making of the final choices involves reflection on intolerable anxieties and expendable options. This is because anxieties of life are unavoidable. Every person was born with some anxieties that are inherent in growth. Besides, anxieties play crucial and productive roles in pleasure and sexual development. Anxiety and ambiguity are responsible for sexual novelty. This clearly indicates that anxiety is part of human nature because it is responsible for crucial biological developments. However, the most pressing problem is that humans fail realize this concept making them develop fears and intolerance to anxieties. Since decision-making is inevitable in any relationship or marriage, experts have argued that developing into maturity can be a long-term solution to anxieties. Normal marital sadism helps in couple therapy because it enables concerned parties to make good decisions (Schnarch, 2009). Conclusion Understanding, resolving and improvement of relationship and marriages could be understood through couple’s therapy. Therapy allows couples to obtain communication, negotiation and problem solving tools. Healthier arguments also assist improve 23relationship between couples. Consequently, this investigative process discussed different aspects of couples’ therapy in key areas that are important for the success of a marital affair or any relationship. By identifying their differentiation capabilities, intimacy, the manner of holding onto self and their normal marital sadism, a couple can effectively learn the virtues of living happily. References Charlton, R. S., & Yalom, I. D. (1997). Treating sexual disorders. San Francisco, Calif.: Jossy- Bass Publishers. Schnarch, D. M. (2009). Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships. New York: W W Norton & Company Incorporated. Read More