Can Men and Women be Just Friends - Research Paper Example

Introduction One of the most pervasive questions in gender relations is whether it is possible for men and women to be just friends. When considering the topic of relationships, it’s a common topic of conversation, with many individuals claiming that it is entirely impossible; still others claim that it is possible and speak of instances in which they have successfully maintained long-term friendships with members of the opposite sex. This essay argues that the question of whether men and women can be just friends is more complex than a simple yes or no answer, and asserts that there are varying degrees of friendship that can be achieved under certain situations, while under different circumstances such friendship is shown to be impossible. Analysis When considering the question of whether it’s possible for men and be to be just friends it’s necessary to consider the nature of friendship. The definition of friendship states: “marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity”. (Davidson 1987, pg. 5) Marked by a warm bond. It is defined that in an intimate relationship, a warm friendship is essential. The friendship in a committed relationship is based on a shared history, intimacy, and commitment. A shared history involves both memories, and events. It attains moments when obstacles were conquered, when dreams were achieved, and when goals possibly failed. A shared history entails constant emotional support, being there through and for anything; the willingness to listen to ones problems, being open-minded about differences, and the compliance to compromise. In times of need, there is a shoulder to cry on, a sense of compassion for one another, and a bond through trials of error and or victory. That all, being done together as one, creates a sense of comfort, support, and loyalty. In many instances, individuals of the same gender are capable of achieving this closeness; it is when intimacy becomes involved, generally between men and women, that the true question of whether it’s possible to maintain a friendship is raised. (Stevens 1999) Intimacy involves a sexual association to a relationship. As Stevens (1999, pg. 20) puts it, “Sexual tension charged the lines of communication between us. White noise crackled on the wire as desire and jealousy, fear of loss, and the need to be loved conspired to cloud and distort expression.” When sex is included in a relationship, emotions erratically build, and get stronger. Boundaries are set, and territory is marked. The need for constant reassurance is vital. Through intimacy, secrets, flaws, and personal experiences are exposed; which creates a stronger bond. A sense of affection, the ability to comfort one another in time of need, the power to genuinely care about one another indefinitely, intensifies the connection. In considering the nature of intimacy in relation to the question of whether a man and woman can be friends there are a number of important points to consider. As Stevens notes, when intimacy is introduced into a relationship then the natural balance of friendship is subject to intense and oftentimes irrational functions. In this regard, when one member – man or woman – has a desire for intimacy with the other person in the friendship, then it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain a balanced friendship. For a friendship of a man and a woman to work it’s highly important that both members of the friendship do not harbor a desire for intimacy. In The Republic, Plato (252-253) distinguished between the two primary types of love: the erotic, romanticized love felt by individuals, and friendship or love which was caring but devoid of any sexual desire or connotation. Plato (252) recognized that "surely some terrible, savage, and lawless form of desire is in every man." Because this was the case, love can be "called a tyrant (Plato, 253)." Love acquires the profile of a tyrant when it becomes the or at least a dominant force in shaping man's life. Plato (255) asserted that man needed to eliminate any tyranny established by love because when he was subject to the grip of love and its impulses, "love lives like a tyrant within him in all anarchy and lawlessness; and, being a monarch, will lead the man whom it controls, as though he were a city, to every kind of daring." While differentiating between the desirable love to be found in friendship, Plato (291) emphasized the primacy of filial love and maintained that non-erotic love had the capacity to unite men in society and ultimately to improve society. This is not to suggest that Plato (137) rejected erotic love, but rather that he put it in a position subordinate to that of friendship. The comparison between a platonic relationship and an intimate relationship may seem simple, but actually, it is intense. Sex is the difference between platonic and intimate relationships. What sex brings to a relationship is what makes it intense. Sex brings out so many emotions. It makes love grow faster. Sex, intensifies the relationship by adding compassion for one another, loyalty, and privacy. In platonic relationships, there are emotions for each other, but not necessarily as strong. It’s in these instances that friendships between men and women are made impossible. Throughout life, people have lost good friends due to drama, or communication problems, and it wasn’t that big of a deal. Once you bring sex into a relationship, it’s hard to let go. When the intimate relationship is dying down, and it is obvious it will be no longer, it is harder to get over than a platonic relationship. This is also why some religions believe not to have sex until marriage. Sex is so sacred that you only want to share it with someone you truly love. Though platonic relationships and intimate relationships are on different levels, it is important to maintain both. In order to lead a healthy life, you need to have both intimate relationships and platonic same sex relationships. This way one can relate to others and not feel alone. One also needs to make time for both, and spend time with both. In an intimate relationship is essential to have separate lives; separate jobs, separate friends, separate hobbies, and so on; but also to have a life together as well. This will give each partner space, and then the time together will be more important. Having separate lives in an intimate relationship but also having a life together makes a relationship stronger. Having a platonic relationship as a best friend is good. Having an intimate relationship as a best friend is good as well. It is allowed to have more than one best friend. Having a lover become your best friend completes the relationship. Friedrich Nietzsche believed that friendship between men and women wasn’t only possible, but an essential element of life. Nietzsche (65) found something "ambiguous and suggestive about the word love, something that speaks to memory and to hope, that even the lowest intelligence and the coldest heart still feels something of the glimmer of this word." Like Plato before him, Nietzsche (65) recognized the difference between eros and its opposite, Platonic love, in which humans find enormous personal and emotional satisfaction in their relationships without the addition of sexual intercourse or contact. In discussing friendship, Nietzsche (66) argued that humaneness was an essential element of this particular type of love. Personal Experience Have you ever heard the term men and women can’t be friends? I am sure you have. This argument has bothered me for years now. Many people think that it is possible, when from my experience it is not. I believe in most instances men and women cannot be friends without anything happening between them. For me there is no such thing as a platonic relationship because whether it is now, or in the future something is bound to happen. At first I believed that it was possible to have a guy as a best friend, until I started dating him. This threw my theory right out the window. Usually, it is the guy who always wants more from the girl rather than friendship. The way guys are now a days, you can ask a group of guys how many female friends they have that they haven’t been intimate with and the chances of finding one are slim. I met my ex-boyfriend in high school. He was my best friend for four years before we started dating. The more time I spent with him, the more I wanted to be with him. This should me that even when a friendship seems to be working, there may always be latent desires for intimacy. I knew if anything were to happen, in the end we would not end up going back to the way it was in the beginning. But me being so naïve and anxious, took that risk. After we dated for some time, the breakup was horrible which caused us not to be as close as we were. Indeed, as the research argued after dating your best friend there is no way possible to go back to being best friends. There is always going to be one that gets jealous or insecure. Still to this day, we talk occasionally but it is nowhere near as much as we used to. Even if I call his phone, his current girl friend refuses to let him talk to me because of our past together. Is this fair? No of course not which just goes to show that she even knows men and women cannot be friends. Conclusion In conclusion, the question of whether men and women can be friends is shown to be a complex issue. While in my personal experience I have found this to be impossible, many researchers argue that it is highly possible; indeed, in the case of the philosopher Nietzsche such friendship is an essential element of existence. In the case of certain researchers the question of intimacy is the important point at which friendships between men and women are made impossible. Plato argues that there are such things as Platonic friendships that can be developed and in which individuals can draw enjoyment, support, and happiness from. Ultimately, these ideas are important in that they demonstrate that such friendship is possible, but only under certain circumstances and that it’s important to be aware of this else the friendship fall apart. References Craig, Edward. (2005). The Shorter Routledge Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Routledge. London. Davidson, Sonia. (1987). Friendship Factor. Augsburg Books. Minneapolis. Stevens, Peter. (1999) Gender Relations: The Intimacy Factor. Templeton Publishing. 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