Resurrecting Sex by David Schnarch - Assignment Example

RESURRECTING SEX by David Schnarch What notion or assumption underlies contemporary sex therapy (non-Schnarch)? Contemporary sex therapy assumes that love naturally leads to good sex. Sex is a natural function that can be expected when two people are physically attracted to each other. It also upholds the belief that effective communication that includes empathy, understanding, acceptance and validation is the key to having healthy sexual relations. 2. How does Schnarch define healthy sexuality? Healthy sexuality is being able to desire out of fullness and not out of lack. When people are emotionally satisfied, they seek out partners not for purposes of reassurances or validation, but to celebrate what they already feel. They feel desirous and desirable enough to be capable of gratifying and fulfilling sex. Since they do not need other’s validation, they are free to pursue the sexual satisfaction they seek and can provide to achieve intimacy. When they reach orgasm, they just don’t roll over and go to sleep. They want to keep going until their soul, not just their body, is done. A healthy sexuality actually enhances one’s personhood rather than diminishes it. 3. Describe our historical quest for intimacy and/or sex. Hunger and sex are two primal human instincts. Feeling good with other people is so gratifying that in itself, has served as motivation to further evolve our capacity for feeling good. This is the force behind human females’ evolutionary shift from estrus-related sexual receptivity as a natural function for procreation to non-seasonal sexual desire as a motivation for sexual gratification; the development of a forward-tilting uterus permitting face-to-face intercourse; the natural selection of men for their capacity to pair bond; and our complex sexual-emotional interpersonal signaling system. Bonded together by the ability to make each other feel good, our ancestors began staying together year round and paved the way for language, and with it, our capacity for self-reflection, our ability to bring high meaning to sex. All of these abilities came into being through our neocortex, the latest part of our brain to evolve. And with them came the ability to raise the "I/Thou" distinction, fundamental to intimacy, into an art form and to a spiritual plane.(Schnarch, 1994). Sex was used to be thought of as a purely physiological response, The involvement of the neocortex brings out the quest for intimacy, and true intimacy, is a self-reflective process. The concept of self is rooted in the neocortex. This is what is most human about human sexuality. (Schnarch, 1994) 4. Compare and contrast Schnarch’s model with those of Masters and Johnson and Kaplan. Dr. Schnarch’s controversial sex therapy model challenges long-accepted and well-studied conventional therapies. His Crucible Approach differs from the highly scientific sex therapies developed by Drs. Masters and Johnson’s to treat sexual dysfunctions, and Dr. Helen Singer-Kaplan’s approach to sexual desire problems. In Schnarch’s approach, he does not advocate “sensate focus” exercises (those that make clients focus on their own sensual pleasures that usually “tune out” their partners during sex), no homework assignments, and no “bans” or prescriptions. There is no concept of “client resistance” and no focus on “unconscious processes”. Instead of advising clients on techniques, the Crucible approach works with clients’ spontaneous sexual behavior as a window into people and their relationships. Both Schnarch and Masters and Johnson believe that sex may be possible way into the later stages of life. “Masters & Johnson were the first to conduct research on the sexual responsivity of older adults, finding that given a state of reasonably good health and the availability of an interested and interesting partner, there was no absolute age at which sexual abilities disappeared.” (Wikipedia,, n.d.) However, while Masters & Johnson noted that senior citizens needed longer periods to become aroused and typically require more direct genital stimulation, Schnarch proposes that most people are much better in bed as they mature, citing “Cellulite and sexual potential are highly correlated.” (Schnarch, 1991) Kaplan’s concept of “performance anxiety” affecting sexual desire brings sex to a different level, that of performing for an audience, mainly, the sexual partner. The solution is to “bypass” or to disconnect and focus on one’s sensations in order to overcome the sexual dysfunction to enjoy sex better. In contrast, Schnarch advocates “eyes-open sex” for better connection, hence enhancing intimacy between sexual partners. The Crucible Approach also differs from conventional couples therapy by not teaching communication skills, empathic listening, or compromise and negotiation. Treatment focuses on helping partners handle their anxiety better, rather than encouraging constant anxiety-regulation by accommodation and lock-step reciprocity. The intensity level of sex that it recommends is far greater and the pace of treatment of sex problems is much faster. The therapist’s differentiation plays a critical role in treatment. 5. What does the Quantum model of sexuality mean? Schnarch adds another dimension to his views on sexuality. He explains a process closely linked to Physics and metaphysical experience which he called the Quantum model. The Quantum Model, that takes into account our neocortex and the impact of meanings and meaningfulness. Humans are meaning-making animals; the more meanings we bring to sex, the more richness our life has--and the greater our ability to feel good. The Quantum model of sexuality goes beyond the ‘cause and effect’ pleasure functioning of physical sexuality into the ‘multi-reality configurational’ realm of intimacy. Deep trust and mutual respect can be seen and sustained through eye contact during sex. Open eye contact can put two conscious minds into co-resonance, and thus in joint resonance with the containing environment.. it can close a triadic loop and establish the conditions for multi-reality, container-constituent wholeness or ‘harmony of whole-and-part’. This results in deep intimacy, which Scharch contends is the key to having the best sex. In attaining self-validating intimacy in sex, one can experience a phenomenon termed as ‘age-shifting’. Here, a person holds his partner’s face in his hands and suddenly see what she looked like when she was younger or what she will look like when she ages. It is very moving. “In the timeless connection of profound sex--- if we have the strength, and that is an important caveat--- we have the opportunity to drop our mask, to drop our character armor, and to let ourselves be seen behind the eyeballs, metaphorically and literally. Its where we see ourselves and our partners against the backdrop of the mystery (and absurdity) of life." (Schnarch, 2002) 6. Explain, in detail, “total stimulation” and how it works. Total stimulation means heightened sensorial awareness during sex. Having sex at the limits of one’s potential involves profound connection that takes place on multiple levels. It brings one to a spiritual experience few people attain. Having profound involvement in the sexual experience makes one feel as if time is suspended. There is a lack of awareness of pain, as total stimulation overshadows it. A laser-like focusing of consciousness is experienced, and one becomes oblivious to extraneous noise. Reality fades, and the world seems to be centered on the setting of the sexual experience. A sense of peace and calmness descends. Intense connection with one’s partner may also result in the phenomenon of Age-shifting, or seeing how one’s partner looks like across time. 7. Explain the nature of anxiety and sexual functioning (detailed/extensive answer). Common sense will suggest that anxiety will greatly affect sexual functioning. Nervousness or over-concern about how one’s sexual partner thinks or feels about you takes away the pleasure of intimate sex. Schnarch offers a different take on the role of anxiety in sex. It usually takes sexual difficulty, sexual boredom or the possibility of divorce to open us to a different course. “This is what I call the sexual crucible: When couples think they are falling apart, they are often on the verge of having the best sex of their lives. The fact that the relationship gets sexually boring, eventually makes you push and shove in your relationship to create something new. “ (Schnarch, 1994) Sexual boredom may be an impetus in trying to develop oneself and pursue the sex he wants. In the midst of this anxious process, he stops being afraid of being anxious and strive to overcome it. It’s all a matter of choice and maturity. A mature individual will choose this. A less mature one, whether he knows it or not, chooses to dwell on anxiety causing his sexual dysfunction. 8. What makes begrudging respect a powerful aphrodisiac? Hesitancy in according respect for a partner because of his inability to accept and understand some of the other partner’s issues and concerns creates stress and anxiety in a relationship. As mentioned in the previous answer, a little anxiety can go a long way in improving sex between two people. If a couple has reached a state of differentiation in their relationship, and emotional fusion is seceded, two very different individuals come to discover newness in each other, hence being powerful aphrodisiac to each other. 9. Discuss the role of orgasm in Schnrach’s model. In Schnarch’s model, orgasm between two sexual partners is reaching the highest level of intimacy by letting one another see through the person’s soul. A great deal of trust and acceptance is necessary for this to be possible. Having eyes-open orgasm is the epitome of intimacy. To do it, one has to integrate his partner into his mental sexual pattern to such an extent that awareness of his partner enhances rather than distracts the sensory awareness of his own arousal. 10. Discuss the role of differentiation in helping us develop as people and as sex partners. Differentiation means keeping hold of your individuality. You are your own person and your partner is his own person. Before you can have an intimate connection with a partner, you have to have a solid connection with yourself. The development of your own identity -an internal sense of self that you value, maintain and live is necessary in order to have greater sexual pleasure and intimacy. Differentiation comprises a four pronged tool: the art of holding to your values despite opposition from your partner; the ability of soothe yourself in the face of hurt and anxiety’ to stay non-reactive when your partner is anxious or provocative and to tolerate pain for growth. 11. Compare the sexual addiction treatment model with the sexual potential model. Sexual addiction is self-destructive. The client suffers from poor self-image, believing that he or she is a bad person, and keeps on expecting validation of this belief. Treatment for this dysfunction entails empathy, improvement of self-esteem and positive validation from another individual. The client in question craves for this validation from others before he gets to believe in himself. The sexual potential model likewise envisions a more differentiated, client, confident of his own personhood and his ability to self-validate and self-soothe as needed. The client learns to stand on his own without the need of others’ validation. The client can concentrate on developing his own sexual potential. 12. How do the processes of validation, happiness, self-rejection, and reciprocal disclosure relate to our desire for intimacy and sexual fulfillment? The ability to validate our own perceptions, feelings, and self-worth and soothe our own pains when the inevitable disappointments, frustrations and misunderstandings occur is coined by Schnarch as skills of self-soothing and self-validation. This relationship with our self determines how we deal with our relationships with others in both good and bad times. The better we get at soothing and validating ourselves, the less we need our partners to support us and the more we can support them. Because of our strong personhood, we can even allow our partners to influence us without feeling like we’re weakening our own position or interests in the process. This form of self-rejection does not bring about negative feelings but happiness in our relationship Our ability to self-validate and self-soothe is essential in maintaining long term passion, intimacy and sexual fulfillment in our relationship. 13. Define the “work” of intimacy. Being capable of self-validated intimacy makes you brave enough to reveal to your partner what you really desire sexually and daring to try out new things with him without fear of his reactions. This intimacy makes the couple totally engrossed in the sexual experience and going beyond physical gratification. It does not tune out the other person just to enjoy the sensual sensations but rather share this deep feeling of intimacy by being totally present for one another without pulling away. The result is deeply satisfying and fulfilling sex. 14. To what extent does research reflect a gender difference in intimacy and sexuality? We learned from Sex education that sex urges start to be felt during the period of adolescence. Males may feel a stronger sexual urge and easily get penile erections at the age of about seventeen. Hence, society has pegged the man to be the sexual initiator, and the woman, the passive recipient. Females reach their sexual peak in their 30’s, and they feel more confident initiating sex, knowing what they want and how their bodies respond to certain moves. Early in relationships, it’s often the woman’s reluctance that controls sex; in later life, it’s the man’s real or anticipated difficulty getting an erection that prevails. Over time, sexual dysfunctions may occur because of physical or psychological causes for both sexes. Indeed, men who focus on genital sensation report a decrease in sexual intensity as they get older, as opposed to women who report otherwise because they finally allow themselves to enjoy the experience. But couples who learn to integrate their increasing capacity for intimacy in their sex often report the most intense encounters of their lives. Intimacy acts as another kind of stimulation; it has a whopping psycho-physiological impact. 15. Schnarch uses the concept of “normal” to reflect what in terms of our social interactions. Schnarch offers relief in saying that sexual dysfunction is the norm. Inhibited sexual desire, unequal desire, difficulty with arousal and achieving orgasm are common, and to Schnarch are just signs that the relationship is working as it should. The point is there is no inadequacy. People undergoing relationship problems are likewise normal. Marriages that seem to need fixing are doing what it is supposed to do. If individuals look to their partner for validation, theyll be in trouble. The real challenge is how to reinvigorate these problematic relationships. The solution is restoring people’s sense of self, a respect for who they are when standing alone from their partners. That’s the only way to have a solid union, says Schnarch. That personal growth, not new sexual techniques will ultimately make the sex better. (Schnarch, 1994) 16. Discuss the phenomenon of “sexual prime”. People usually mistake adolescence is the sexual prime of life because of the potency of sex hormones raging in the body. This erratic belief confuses genital prime with sexual prime. Maturity brings with it better skills at sex. Mid-lifers and senior citizens often realize that they are much better in bed now than when they were much younger. Men relax their stereotypical role of being the aggressive partner possessing sexual prowess over women. They are not so concerned anymore with “performance” and can allow their partners to just hold them intimately. Women on the other hand stop hiding their eroticism or protecting the man’s ego and openly enjoy uninhibited sex. More mature individuals have more capacity for meaningfulness necessary for intimacy. Since they have developed more selfhood, they have more “self” that they can disclose to their partners, earning them more capacity for intimacy, hence, they are able to have more profound and passionate sex. 17. How does Schnarch suggest that people deal with aging issues such as declining hormonal drives or reflexive responses? It is a reality that as people age, a litany of aging’s negative physical impacts comes up: cellulite, menopause, reduced erections or less vaginal lubrication, stretch marks, hair loss, weight gain--the list goes on. Although ways of enhancing body image and genital performance in later life multiply daily, Viagra, liposuction, implants, collagen injections, lifts, tucks, and makeup often seem like attempts to camouflage reality and make the best of a deteriorating body. However, taking advantage of their sexual prime as discussed in the previous answer (# 16) may greatly help them in developing more differentiated selves, capable of intimacy with their partners, hence being able to indulge in great sex. This may alleviate physical and psychological stresses that come with aging. 18. Describe the goal for using the sexual crucible as a form of sexual marital therapy. The Crucible Approach is based on differentiation or the ability to maintain oneself while maintaining relationships with others. It is a non-pathological view of common difficulties in love relationships such as sexual dysfunctions, sexual disinterest, emotional estrangement, and stalemated conflict. It embraces a healthy view of human resilience, personal growth and life-long sexual development. Marital counselees are in for learning terms of relationship processes that they can relate to, as well as being equipped with “tools for connection” with their spouses to enhance intimacy, sexuality, self-regulation and improve relationship stability and individual function by enhancing differentiation. 19. What roles are played by a therapist in using the approach of the sexual crucible in sexual marital therapy? The therapist focuses on the counselees’ strengths rather than their childhood traumas He helps people stop trying to gain acceptance and validation from their partners and instead helps them understand and accept themselves wholly. The therapist does not focus on communication skills because the messages relayed to the counselees may not be acceptable to them. They are trained to develop self-soothing and self-validation because these skills help them speak and hear difficult truths. The therapist also help couples develop themselves within their relationship rather than focus on compromising and negotiating with each other all the time because these things can kill sexual desire and passion in their relationship. 20. Reflect upon possible messages of affairs for individuals/couples to consider when addressing their sexuality and intimacy. People in relationships who are locked in an emotional fusion or the state when partners become enmeshed in a kind of gridlock with each other because of over-familiarity or adherence to society’s advocacy of being “one” have the tendency to break free from that emotional gridlock. One way is to find someone new who is very much different from them, so there is still much to discover. This element of differentiation creates an attraction and a temptation to get to know the new person more. This new set-up is exploratory, with both partners unafraid to express their real selves for fear of hurting the feelings of this new person whom he or she has no deep emotional investment yet. Couples who want to protect their relationships must avoid clinging to each other. They are encouraged to pursue their individual interests and develop their individual selves so they can bring in more of themselves to their “union”. More disclosure about their individual discoveries about themselves fosters intimacy. This is one strategy to keep the relationship exciting 21. How does Schnarch suggest that we think about arousal problems and their solutions? The gist of his book, Resurrecting Sex can be condensed in a few sentences. He says, "Resurrecting your sexual relationship isnt as simple as learning new touch techniques, improving your communication skills or rescheduling your time priorities. It involves growing. A sexual problem is not just about genitals that wont do as their told. It involves two people with very complex feelings about themselves, each other and the world. Context is everything. Your sex life shapes your relationship and your relationship shapes your sex life. If you have a sex problem, you have to get your relationship to a state that supports good sexual functioning." (Schnarch, 2002) 22. Discuss Schnarch’s counterintuitive approach to achieving “the best” sex. Schnarch offers some tools for having the “best” sex. These tools are effective in fostering intimacy between couples that result in their ability to have superlative sex. Among these are “hugging till relaxed”. This helps the body achieve calmness and balance. It also involves standing on your own two feet and focusing on yourself. It is impossible to relax when you are leaning on your partner, as every move she makes forces you to adjust your position. This is a concrete model for differentiation. Another tools is kissing and making love with your eyes open, so you’ll really see and be aware of your partner. He also shares some styles and meanings of sex and encourages experimentation to widen people’s sexual repertoire.. 23. Compare and contrast the benefits and liabilities of using medications to aid in sexual functioning or sexual pleasure. Medical research has unearthed “miracle” drugs that can resurrect sexual desire and pleasure dampened by sexual dysfunctions. The most popular and controversial of these is the drug Viagra which reverses erectile dysfunctions. Many men claim that it is very effective in sustaining their erections, bringing prolonged sexual pleasure not only for them, but for their partners as well. There are also reported cases of heart attacks. These side-effects are difficult to control, considering people have different body make-ups. Although using medications to aid in sexual functioning or sexual pleasure may bring about blissful sexual encounters that couples cannot have otherwise, it raises a lot of questions on its psychological and physiological effects. One issue is morality as defined by the church. People with strong religious convictions who may have sexual dysfunctions may be at a dilemma as to its use. This confusion may cause him undue stress. Another issue is dependence on the drug to the point that one cannot function anymore without using it. This may be a factor that affects his self-esteem. This modern preoccupation with sexual aids only proves that we confuse sexuality with physical function, and human sexual desire (e.g., desire for your partner) with "horniness" and biological drives. Although we believe wholeheartedly in intimacy, which we call "making love," most of us cant explain how profound intimacy with a desired partner makes your genitals work better--even though we know it does! The question of Viagra to aid erectile dysfunction exposes the value--or rather lack of it--we place on the emotional side of sex. (Schnarch, n.d.) BONUS: (This question is optional.) Consider implications of Schnarch’s model for the development of sex education programs that are appropriate across the life span. Schnarch’s model is recommendable in developing a sex education program appropriate across the life span. Adolescents will greatly benefit from a point of view that stresses the emotional significance of intimacy in sexual relations. Current sex education programs offered in schools focus on the biological aspect of sex, leaving out essential information that would help shape the moral and emotional development of children and adolescents. The view that sexual prime will not be reached until a person has matured enough (well into his fourth or fifth decade of life) may convince teenagers in postponing their sexual experimentation, in the assurance that they will derive more pleasure when they are more ready for life’s challenges to them. On the other side of the age spectrum, “mid-lifers” and senior citizens are given hope that age is no impediment to attaining sexual pleasure and intimacy with a beloved and trusted spouse. The Crucible Approach, though controversial in a sense, likewise gives emphasis to a deeper value of sex, that of intimacy. Although some people may view the differentiation principle as antithetic to the precept of marital union, of being “joined as one”, it gives much importance to one’s selfhood, and one’s contribution to a more profound, intimate human connection. References Apfelbaum, B. (n.d.) On performance-anxiety anxiety. Retrieved on November 8, 2006 from http:// www.the ego-analytic model is the how-you-handle-it model.htm Cook, E. (2001)The Sexual Crucible and Imago Relationship Therapy: Two Approaches to Marital Counseling. Retrieved on November 8, 2006 from http://www.aphroweb.net/papers/schnarch-hendrix-comparison.htm Dr David Schnarch of the Evergreen Marriage and Family Health Centre in Colorado. The Health Report. September 25, 1995. Retrieved November 8, 2006 from http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/8.30/helthrpt/hstories/hr250901.htm Dr David Schnarch of the Evergreen Marriage and Family Health Centre in Colorado. The Health Report. September 25, 1995. Retrieved November 8, 2006 from http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/8.30/helthrpt/hstories/hr250901.htm Hey, B. (2002) Want good sex? Start with intimacy. Denver Post, August 6, 2002 Masters and Johnson, Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Retrieved on November 8, 2006 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masters_and_Johnson Montreal (2000). The Physics of love and the myth of ‘selection’. Retrieved on November 9, 2006 from http://www.goodshare.org/lovemyth.htm Schnarch, D., (1991) Constructing the Sexual Crucible: An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy. W.W. Norton & Co. Schnarch, D. (1994) Joy with your underwear down. Psychology Today, July/Aug. 1994 Schnarch, D., (2002) Resurrecting Sex: Resolving sexual problems and rejuvenating your relationship. Various articles on Dr. Schnarch . Retrieved on November 8, 2006 from http://www.thirdage.com/insider/romance/schnarch/919272810-1.html Read More