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Peer Review for 3 - Admission/Application Essay Example

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Summary
However, in the area of technology, globalization’s benefits outweigh its costs.”
1) “There is nothing personal through internet.”…
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Extract of sample "Peer Review for 3"

USE RED PEN
Double underline the thesis: “Both Friendman and Giddens agree that globalization has both positive and negative effects on our life. However, in the area of technology, globalization’s benefits outweigh its costs.”
Underline all topic sentence of every paragraph because they all support the thesis.
Circle this sentence:
1) “There is nothing personal through internet.” page 3. This is confusing in relation to the thesis. Does this mean instead “there is nothing private through the internet”? Put on the side “confusing meaning.”
USE BLUE PEN
Put this in bracket, this is the counter-argument, Paragraph 3, pages 2 to 3. It begins with: “One of the downside of modern technology…”
Put this in bracket too, also a counter-argument, Paragraph 5, page 4. It starts with: “In contrast, globalization has both negative and positive affect on our life…”
The author explains the weaknesses of each argument in the next paragraph, although the connections are not clearly stated. For instance, in paragraph 3, the student claims that technology is bad for privacy, yet student only reacts in paragraph 4, but only after discussing the positive effect of social media and internet on fast updates of news. The counter argument begins with “In the article ‘Internet Privacy.” This one explains how to improve privacy. It responds to privacy concerns, but it is not clearly connected to paragraph 3.
The second counter-argument to the thesis of the student is paragraph 5, page 4. It is about destruction of environment through globalization. The answer of the student is in paragraph 6, where he refers to “modern technologies” that can “help eliminate pollution by using more eco-friendly fuels and more eco-friendly innovations.”
Circle all signal words:
1) Put “no transition” beside paragraph 3. It just says: “One of the downside of modern technology…” There is no transition.
2) Circle “in contrast” in first sentence of paragraph 4.
3) Circle “in contrast” in first sentence of paragraph 5.
4) Circle “however” in first sentence of paragraph 6.
Organization of paper
1) Put an arrow from “In the article ‘Internet Privacy’ Kalinda Basho…paragraph 4 and create new paragraph after third paragraph. Arrow to the front of the fourth paragraph. Write beside it: “Start new paragraph, in response to counter-argument.” A suggested transition is: “Though technology sacrifices privacy, technology and human elements can also protect privacy.”
USE PURPLE PEN
Just add quotation symbol in purple for lacking ending quotation in paragraph 5. The sentence starts with, He argues “the World Trade Organization… This lacks close quotation (“).
The rest are properly quoted with introduction and explanation.
REMARKS
The paper has some topic sentence problems. Not all topics have clear meaning in relation to the thesis. For example, the 4th paragraph can be restated to improve clarity and transition: “Though technology sacrifices privacy, technology and human elements can also protect privacy.”
The 5th paragraph has a weak topic sentence too. It should just focus on the counter-argument to the thesis. A suggestion is: “Another negative effect of globalization through technology is the overuse and abuse of natural resources and creation of waste.”
I do not see any conclusion. A conclusion paraphrases the thesis and leaves something meaningful in connection to the thesis. Read More
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