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Peer Review for 3 - Admission/Application Essay Example

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Summary
However, in the area of technology, globalization’s benefits outweigh its costs.”
1) “There is nothing personal through internet.”…
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"Peer Review for 3"

Download file to see previous pages For instance, in paragraph 3, the student claims that technology is bad for privacy, yet student only reacts in paragraph 4, but only after discussing the positive effect of social media and internet on fast updates of news. The counter argument begins with “In the article ‘Internet Privacy.” This one explains how to improve privacy. It responds to privacy concerns, but it is not clearly connected to paragraph 3.
The second counter-argument to the thesis of the student is paragraph 5, page 4. It is about destruction of environment through globalization. The answer of the student is in paragraph 6, where he refers to “modern technologies” that can “help eliminate pollution by using more eco-friendly fuels and more eco-friendly innovations.”
1) Put an arrow from “In the article ‘Internet Privacy’ Kalinda Basho…paragraph 4 and create new paragraph after third paragraph. Arrow to the front of the fourth paragraph. Write beside it: “Start new paragraph, in response to counter-argument.” A suggested transition is: “Though technology sacrifices privacy, technology and human elements can also protect privacy.”
The paper has some topic sentence problems. Not all topics have clear meaning in relation to the thesis. For example, the 4th paragraph can be restated to improve clarity and transition: “Though technology sacrifices privacy, technology and human elements can also protect privacy.”
The 5th paragraph has a weak topic sentence too. It should just focus on the counter-argument to the thesis. A suggestion is: “Another negative effect of globalization through technology is the overuse and abuse of natural resources and creation of ...Download file to see next pagesRead More
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