Significance of Parent-Child Communicative Interactions - Essay Example

Parent-Child Communication One of the most important relationships in a child growth is the relationship between the child and the parent and how this relationship is maintained through parent-child communication. Through this communication, a child can develop a strong character right from a young age to adulthood. On the other hand, a child can develop a lack of character or even queer character right from his childhood to his adulthood. Therefore, parents should be careful when communicating with their children in order to make sure that the best is developed in a child from this priceless communication. In order to layout the importance of this communication in much details, an explanation of my own life and how communication with my parents have contributed to what I am today is necessary. To start with, it is important to present ad brief overview of my life in the context of my parents care. I was born in a family of three as the first born. All my parents participated in my upbringing meaning that both tried to make sure that they brought the best way possible based on their personal understanding of parenting. Like most women, my mother was the caring type always showering me with her love when given the chance. However, my father was different since he was and is still considered the family’s disciplinarian. Therefore, their parenting style when exercising them individually was different based on the role of each in the family. However, when need be, they always arrived at a conclusive agreement on the type of parenting style to use for their children. Going back to the class readings on parent-child communication, three types of interactions were identified. The first one is the unidirectional approach, which holds that parent’s communication directly affects the child. The approach also holds that parents always face a conflicting tension between controlling their children and communicating warmth to them. In the context of my life, I saw this approach affecting my mother more than my father. My mother’s love towards me and the rest was always being conflicted with the need to control my life. For example, when I was young, I developed some rebellious attitude. I would refuse to go to school simply because I did not want. By this time, my father was working in a different town from our home meaning that my mother was the only disciplinarian we had at the moment. She knew that I needed serious scolding even serious beating. However, she was unable to exercise her control over me since I needed serious pressure, which she could not exert. She resorted to speaking warm words in order to have me back in school but it took time before my behaviors were rectified. Although I may not have understood her in the beginning, I learned her use of warm words instead of scolding. I learned that my mother loved her children dearly and instead of beating me, she was using these words to communicate she still loved me and she was not happy that I was going in the wrong direction. She also understood that my age was tender and what I needed more was communication and loving support in order to get to the next levels of cognitive development. The loving warmth in my mother was not something that just came into be when I was between 5-12 years. Instead, she was loving right from the beginning. I saw her treat my small brother in a very caring manner meaning that it was something that she started right when each of her children was born. This explains why even at this age I find my mother’s hugs warm and comforting since it is something that is in her and she started showing us right from when we were born. My communication with my mother came in different styles as observed earlier. She could use facial expressions, words and even touch to express her warmth towards me. On facial expressions, I could tell when my mother was angry with me or when she was happy with me. For example, at the age of 3-5 years, my mother greatly used facial expressions to communicate with me. When I did something wrong, she could stare at me with an angry face or with a stern face, which was enough to warn me that I was doing something wrong. On the other hand, a happy face denoted that she was happy with me or was used to encourage me to do something me. Sometimes, she used a happy face just to show her warmth and to show much I meant to her. As I grew up, I observed change in attitude between me and my mother. I became so sensitive to the outer world and could take anything said by my peers seriously. For example, at one time, one of my classmates told me that I was foolish. Neither in my life had I been told that I was foolish and this came as a surprise to me. I started telling myself that I was foolish just because I couldn’t beat this girl in school. When I told my mother about this problem, she came to my aid with a lot assurance that I was not foolish. From then on, she would constantly remind me that I was bright and I could make it. This constant assurance from my mother changed everything. My self-esteem was boosted since I believed everything my parents told me was true. When they said I was smart, it meant that I was smart. All I needed was them to say that. When I wore anything, I just needed my parents’ confirmation that I was looking good and I would walk with my head high out of being proud for what I was wearing. The importance of what my parents were doing by encouraging me was seen when one time my mother was angry with me and she told me I was bad. I took this seriously and it kept me thinking for a while. In fact, I could not face my mother until she noticed that there was a difference between us. She then cleared the air and explained what she meant by saying that I was bad. Apart from warm words, there were other methods of encouragement used by my parents to boost my self-esteem, presents. It was common for my parents to always bring presents when they were from a long journey. For example, when my father used to work away from us, he would bring many presents every time he came to see his family. I interpreted that dad loved us so much to an extent that I always looked forward for his arrivals. This trend was not only used to show us love. However, it was also used to boost my desire to study more. I remember my father promising to buy me a bike once I became number one in my class. That year, I made sure that I read a lot in order to get my gift. My learning was positively affected and before the end of the year, I made to number two in my class. Although I had passed, I felt so bad because I did not make it on top of the list. I remember that my dad went on to buy me a bike even though I was not in the first position as we had agreed earlier. This boosted my self-esteem to an extent that I always worked hard only to please my parents. This went on until I realized that working hard was not just for my parents only. Instead, it was also good for my future. From the interaction with my parents, I realized that control should not just be exercised. Instead, it should either come before or after control in order to get the desired outcomes. For example, when chastising a child, it is not good to chastise the child with hatred. Instead, doing it with much love and warmth brings out desired results. In the process, the child realizes that his/her mistakes are the ones being corrected and the parent is not hating him/her. This is one of the reasons why my parents always to say that I was not the one being chastised in case of a beating. Instead, they always explained that the mistake was the one being punished. Through these encouragements, I developed a desire to always do what was right so as not to be punished when the mistake was being punished. While observing my relationship with my parents, I also observed other children’s relationship with their parents. In all these families, I came to realize that not all warm message bring about positive results. Instead, some of them were dangerous to the children. For example, unlike my parents who were loving and always watched what they said or did to their children, other parents did not. One of my friend’s parents were drug addicts and they claimed to love her while they did not. They were selfish and all they cared was their lives. The girl was suffering from inconsistent warmth since the parents always assured her of their love, but did not live up to provide or show their love to their child. They could not pay for her school fees and they also never used to buy her clothing like most of the children at her age. Eventually, the young girl ended up being depressed until one of her uncles decided to stay with her and educate her. However, a follow up on this girl shows that she is still affected by her parent’s behaviors since she is still bitter with them even now that she is an adult. From this child, I learned that showing love while tagged with other behaviors is not the best. For example, when warm messages towards a child are accompanied by criticism, they bring negative repercussion especially when the child realizes that he/she is being criticized. I have also realized that constant warmth messages at all situations either good or bad are not good. A child needs to be praised for the good things. However, when/she is in the wrong, the parents need to tell the child that she is not on the right path. This need to be done with much love as explained earlier. As said earlier, I have observed some of my friends as they grew up on top of observing my own life. I saw children who were praised unconditionally for what they did adopting a weak personality. It became hard for them to differentiate between good or bad deeds. For example, it took time before one of my friends knew that disrespecting older people was bad since the parents praised her in whatever she did without caring whether that was good or bad. In fact, my opinion of this type of warmth is that this is not love in real sense since love should be a path to the right. Among the control methods being exercised by my parents, one of them was behavioral control while the other was psychological control. Behavioral control was exercised by establishing of limits. For example, as much as I could go to play, I was not expected to be out at a certain time of the night as a child. In most cases, children used to play until it was dark but my parents did not like to see me playing out past six in the evening. I was expected to be back and either watching TV or doing my homework as early as it was. Unlike behavioral control, this type of control regulates a child’s cognitive response. For example, although my parents did not view crying as a bad thing when wronged or when punished, they could not allow me to go beyond the normal. For example, crying for long was not allowed in my family. Being gloomy the whole day was also not allowed. Sometimes, this behavior was regulated with much warmth, but sometimes my parents had to let me know that that was not good and they were not happy with it. In my interactions with my parents, I have seen them getting disappointed with me in various forms. For example, one time I threw a stone to a child in school and hurt his head while I was five years. The child had really pissed me off and I picked the only that was close to me to express my anger without thinking. Since this was not good and the child was hurt, my parents were summoned in order to discuss my behaviors. In my life, I had never seen my parents as angry as they were and they were really disappointed in me. I felt like I had committed one of the greatest sins in the world and this greatly affected me for some time. However, my parents later cleared the air between us and they gave me a lengthy friendly talk asking me not to behave as I did earlier ever again. It was only after they talked that I realized that I had sinned. I sought forgiveness from them and I also asked the child who I had hit to forgive me. After doing all this, I felt the weight of guilt in my shoulders lifting and I swore never to do that again. However, I came to realize later that much of the feelings I had felt were not because I had hit another child. Instead, I felt the way I did because I would never have loved to make parents angry. I also came to realize that my parents had realized that their outright expression of disappointment had lowered my self-esteem and if they did not rectify that later, it would probably hurt my self-esteem for a longer period than anticipated. As noted earlier, most of the unidirectional approach of communication in my life was evident between my communication and that of my mothers. However, my father was a bit harsh and controlling than my mother. I can explain his psychological control over my life as parental intrusiveness. This is because my father was always over protective of me and my siblings. I always hated my father’s control over my life and I always felt that he was impairing my individuation process. To him, I was young and could not do anything sensible by myself. This was not noted until was in my teenage years when I needed some time alone or to make some decisions on my own. My father always wanted to know about whom I was close to and who I was dating since he thought that I was not responsible enough and I could cause a mess when I was still young. However, what he received from me was increased rebellion since I wanted him out of my private affairs. Apart from the unidirectional approach to parent child communication, another approach known as bi-directional approach and involves continued responses from both child and the parents. Children, especially infants always need responses from their parents and mostly become distressed if this does not happen. From my life, I can tell that this statement is true since I always became distressed when my parents did not respond my demands for response. For example, sometimes I just needed my parents to smile at me and failure to this would leave me distressed. Another approach of parent child communication observed in my life was the systems approach, which sees the parent child communication as being part of a larger system and being influenced by this system. This approach sees the communication as being caught in the middle of the social and the family system. In this case, individuality is discarded to allow the system to influence the communication between the parent and the child. In my life, this could be observed partly because I was not the only child and also because both of my parents were different in terms of personalities. Therefore, it was necessary to try and fit in in others’ context when communicating with one parent. For example, my mother was more loving and caring than my dad who was more controlling than caring. On the part of my siblings, I was sometimes left out for the sake of my younger brother’s emotions whereby my parents used to argue that I as an older child was supposed to understand my younger brother. All this can be explained through triadic parenting approach whereby one of the parent’s communication and parenting style is different in the light of the other parent. It can also be explained using dyadic parenting, which is seen when the parent is alone with the child. A comparison of my mother’s parenting and that of my father’s shows that my mother’s attitude, communication and parenting was more affected when my father was present since she had to yield to my father’s demands of correct parenting. My father always felt that my mother was lenient with me in her parenting and that she needed to be a bit serious. A look at my mother and my father as it has been discussed shows that both had different parenting style. My father’s style was mostly an authoritative style while my mother’s style was a bit permissive. In the authoritative style high control, which is age appropriate is exerted. This has been so with my father who is always controlling depending on my age. For example, when I was a toddler, he seemed very caring and only firm when need arose. However, this changed as I became older and as I started understanding my surrounding. A higher control seemed to be exerted when I was a teenager and although I did not like it, I can say that it helped me since I did not go astray. In most cases, my father always did this with much affection explaining that all he wanted was a better future for his children. However, my mother was not like my father. Her parenting and communication style was a permissive style. She exerted little control over my life and only controlled me in extreme cases. This helped me in trusting my mother more than my father since it was easier to approach her. However, I finally came to understand that all these styles were necessary since a permissive style was toned down by an authoritarian style. All in all, what I understand as a grown up is that the person I am today has been greatly influenced with the parenting and the communication style between me and my parents. The fact that my parents were loving and were willing to show me the right path has led to a successful future. In addition, most of the self-esteem I have today was developed by my parents since they worked hard to encourage a positive self-esteem. Therefore, through my own life, I can attest that parenting is important and communication between the mother and the child is equally important. While observing other friends during my childhood and comparing them with my communication relationship with my parents, I noticed a problem with some parents’ communication and parenting style. For example, I noticed that one of my friend’s parents uses authoritarian communication style, which involves high demands and little reasoning. My friend’s mother could punish her without investigating the real cause of the problem. At one time, she was engaged in a fight between her and her neighbors and they ended up hurting each other so badly. When her mother came home night that night, she received the news with a lot of anger and really punished for that. However, she did not seek to know the real problem or why the fight broke up. She also did not want to listen to her child who was pleading to be heard or through the punishment. What I observed from my friend was loss of self-esteem. She was unable to engage in feuds or fights with other children since she knew that she were the one to suffer for the mistakes. From this girl and others I met in my childhood, I came to realize that my parent’s parenting styles were the best. I also came to realize that my mother’s parenting style was not all that good, but my father was always there to tone it down since being overly permissive could harm us or could encourage a person like me to get out of control. I also came to realize that the strong relationship between my parents was also important to me and my siblings since they were always united in making sure that their children were brought up in the best way possible. In addition, there little fights between them meaning that the house was always full of peace. As I conclude a review of the parent-child communication in the context of my own interactions with my parents shows that it is true that this communication is important in a child’s growth. Through this communication, a child can develop a strong character right from a young age to adulthood. A look at this communication shows that it involves various factors, which are different from parent to parent and which bring about different effects on the child. Communication full of warmth and control at the same time brings positive effects on a child while communication full of control alone may be detrimental to the child. This means that parents need to determine the best parent-child communication in order to develop a child’s self-esteem and also develop a child relationship not only with the parents but also with others in the community. Read More