My Character and Miss Brill by Katherine Mansfield - Essay Example

Synopsis Being reminded of personal childhood stories can make anyone smile and can rouse feelings of sorrow even if a long time has passed by. Adults know how to defend themselves from unexpected situations and to rationalize their embarrassing behaviors. They pull themselves out of a deep pit in a short time. However, children and teenagers are very sensitive and pure, so they accept it in their heart as it is. A traumatic situation carves and etches deep into their bones, and places a thorn in their hearts. I have a big thorn in my heart. Unlike in the U.S.A., a new semester in Korea begins in the month of March. In Korea, students stay in the same class and in the same seat for a year and the teachers come into the class everyday just like a routine. Sometimes, students change their seats twice or three times a year. In the beginning of every semester, students in the different classrooms are trying to know each other, so the classes are very noisy. Classes of students in the senior level of high school started at 8am, and finished at 11pm. High school seniors spend all day and almost all of the evening time at school, after which they would go home to sleep. With the tight schedule that seniors had with the same classmates, students in the same class can get to know each other pretty well in a month. When I was a senior in high school, I observed a very quite girl in my class. The girl studied very hard, and she would even study during the breaks. My classmates were whispering behind her back that the girl was a geek. Her seat was right next to mine. She initiated the first conversation and started talking to me. My principle was to not judge people before I knew them, so I listened to the girl. Engrossed in our chat, I realized that she was not as the other students were saying about her. She was not a geek. Moreover, she was very sweet. She said she used to excel in the middle school, but she was at the bottom of the class during the previous years of high school. I was surprised, and secretly pleased, as I was in exactly the same boat. There was a reason for excelling in middle school and finding yourself in the opposite situation in high school. Students in the middle school had to study hard to go to a good high school. We had to take a High School Entrance Examination and our future depended on the results. If we failed the test, we would attend a high school in the countryside. Both of us passed the examination. For the first mid-term in high school, we were not able to perform well academically because, we reasoned to ourselves, the students’ qualities were excellent and superior to ours. We were in shock and we could not get out of the slump for long time. Also, we found it hard to get along with others in the high school environment. In reality, though, actual reasons why we were the bottom of the class were because we were lazy and our mental strengths were too weak. I did not want to accept those facts, and she thought the same thing. But after we talked, we knew that there were two of us, so we laughed aloud. We both felt that we were not alone in this world. We talked very often, until eventually, she and I became best friends. We talked whenever we had time. She was not studying any more during the breaks. We had a lot in common. Don’t get me wrong, I made other friends in freshman and sophomore years, but I never felt this way. The relationship the girl and I shared was so pure. It was so easy to talk to her about anything and everyhting. We did not talk about our classmates behind their backs. We talked about TV dramas and how much studying we did last night. One time, she told me that she saw a boy who liked her in elementary school. He attended the boys’ high school, which was located at the right, next to our girls’ high school. After she mentioned him, we were giggling because we both felt shy. The girl and I promised that we would study hard, so that we could go to a university together. We kept waking up each other. If one felt sleepy, the other would bring a cup of coffee to wake him or her up. During a self-study time, some of our classmates were talking aloud, but nobody told them to be quiet. Actually, some of the other students wanted to be with them because they were the “cool” kids. Suddenly, the girl said, “It is studying time. You guys are supposed to be quiet!” I was surprised she said that. After that incident, some of our classmates criticized and teased her whenever they found her faults. One day, one of the “cool” kids came to me and said, “Don’t talk to her. You are going to be like her!” I wanted to say, “You are wrong. She didn’t do anything wrong,” but I chose not say a word. I was worried about other kids hating me. I felt ashamed. She was my best friend but I did not protect her. I only worried about myself and failed to stand up for her. I was so disappointed with myself. When I looked at my best friend, she smiled at me as usual, oblivious of what I had done, or rather, what I had failed to do. I felt so guilty. It was in June, but the weather was not hot. The girl did not arrive in school. The teacher came to class at 10:30am. His face was very dark, much like the darkness of the night. He said, “The girl had a big car accident. She died at the hospital.” I could not believe what he had said. No! I did not want to believe it. I cried for countless days and nights. In the middle of night, I cried inside my blanket to muffle the sounds of my sobs, but my mother still heard me and my crying. She would come to my room and console me all night. All of our classmates went to the hospital where my best friend had passed away. In Korea’s culture, there were small rooms beside the hospital. If someone died at the hospital, the family would bring a picture of their loved one and place it in front of the coffin. The remains of the deceased stayed there for three days. People offered incense and flowers to say goodbye to their loved ones. It was my turn to offer incense. I lighted the incense. I blew out a flame on top of the incense so it would burn out slowly. There was a flame still on the top of incense. I tried to blow it out a couple of times, but it was still there. I felt my heart aching. I realized, in a way, that it was like a means for my best friend to hold me. My eyes were full of tears, blurring my vision so I could not see my best friend’s picture. My best friend’s mother came to me, and asked, “Are you Hee Seon?” I answered, “Yes I am.” She continued, “My daughter talked about you a lot. Thank you so much for being my daughter’s friend.” She held my hands tightly. My friend’s mother and I hugged, and wailed. I did not remember how I came back home. I felt ashamed all over again. The events that took place that day when I failed my best friend and selfishly thought of myself and my reputation became vivid in my mind once again. It was a much stronger feeling than before, because I was never going to have any more chances to stand by my best friend’s side. I deeply regretted that I did not say anything when that “cool” kid told me not to talk with my best friend. I regretted that I chose to keep quiet when I know that what they wanted me to do was way out of line. In a way, I was as bad as the “cool” kids or even worse, because while I don’t talk about people behind their backs, I didn’t talk at all. It made me wonder sometimes, if cool silence or cruel words, is more deadly. I wished that time can go back and rewind itself like a film on tape, so I could correct my fault and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t feel this bad, maybe losing a friend would be more bearable, and sleeping at night would be a lot easier. My character was similar to Miss Brill in “Miss Brill” by Katherine Mansfield. She tried to discover something in her daily life to cover up the emptiness and isolation she felt. She pretended to be fresh, happy, and nonchalant. Also, she seemed to want to show others that life is precious. However, loneliness could not be covered up with anything. She saw people delighted, but what she felt was “They were odd, silent, nearly all old, and from the way they stared they looked as though they’d just come from dark little rooms or even - even cupboards!” (Mansfield 87) After my best friend had passed away, I felt like Miss Brill. I went to school as usual. I went about my daily activities just like before. I saw my classmates talking and laughing. They talked about the comedy show that they saw last night, and imitated what the comedian did, in front of me. In spite of all the laughing, I felt a sense of emptiness, and it could not be disguised by anything, not by laughter, by smiles, or by jokes. I watched each one of my classmates, and convinced myself to believe that they have a dark side in the present or if not, they will have one in the future. It was as if a see-through wall existed between me and my classmates where I could see them and they could see me, but still unreachable and cut off from each other. When I was on the way home, I felt chilly. I saw a tree that was lush and full of green leaves, but I sensed as cold and bare as Miss Brill felt. The birds still chirped, the wind still blew, and the sun still shined brightly as before, but I felt like I was in an empty room, alone and without a purpose. It happened 14 years ago. Now, I rarely see my best friend in my dreams. The thorn in my heart is not as much painful as before. The deep lines of sorrow it inflicted upon my very being have started to fade. Time continuously passes by, unconsciously diminishing the pain, my pain. Even the memory of the shame and the guilt has started to lose its vividness. Regret I felt has turned itself into resolve. In those 14 years, however, one thing has not changed, and that is, my resolution to never again hesitate to stand up and stand by my friend’s side. Read More