Family Gathering as a Time for Joy and Celebration - Essay Example

 Family gatherings should be a time for joy and celebration. They should be a time to catch up with old friends and family members, people who one doesn’t see throughout the year. This is the way it is with my best friend, as her family gatherings are peaceful and fun. On the other hand, my family gatherings could not be more different from my best friend’s family gatherings. The basic difference is that, with her family gatherings, everything is nice and everybody gets along. With my family gatherings, it is just the opposite. There has not been a single family gathering with my family that has not resulted in a fight of some kind. As both of our families gather together at Thanksgiving, and, really, no other time except maybe Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving will be the example that will be used to illustrate what I mean. First, there are similarities that must be pointed out. Both of us have large extended families, and both of us see the members of the extended family on Thanksgiving. The food at these gatherings is traditional. Turkey, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, stuffing, pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes and gravy. With her family, there is a pot-luck, where guests bring a dish, and typically the dishes are of the dessert variety. So, one year the gathering had carrot cake and fruit salad to go along with the other offerings, while somebody else brought a small casserole to serve. My family is much the same, although my mother makes all the main courses. There is another difference, and that is that my family buys the processed and canned stuff, whereas her family does not. So, instead of real potatoes being used in the mashed potatoes, our mashed potatoes are from a box. Her mashed potatoes are actual potatoes which are put into a food processor with butter and sour cream to whip them up. Our gravy is from a jar; her gravy is made from scratch, from animal drippings, wine and flour. Our sweet potatoes are from a can; hers are made from actual sweet potatoes which are roasted and put through a food processor. Our cranberry sauce is from a can; hers are real cranberries, boiled and sweetened. Our pumpkin pie is made from canned pumpkin pie filling; hers is made from actual pumpkins. I used to think that her mother was Martha Stewart, but her mother insists that it is just as easy to make food homemade then to buy it from a can. At any rate, I spent one Thanksgiving with her, and I have to say, the difference in the two meals is amazing. I wish that my mother had as much energy as hers when it comes to preparing meals. While the menus are the same, except that her family’s menu is made from scratch and ours isn’t, there is a large difference in the atmosphere. The main reason for this is because my family typically gets drunk at Thanksgiving. And by family, I mean everybody, from age 14 to age 90, partakes in the festivities. One year, a guest brought a large bottle of Petron Tequila, and everybody did shots. I didn’t do shots because I don’t like tequila, but I was the exception. I don’t remember a family gathering where people did not end up throwing up, dancing manically, and screaming at each other for little or no reason. Because hard alcohol is a staple at these gatherings, things get pretty loose. By the end of the evening, the music is blaring, and people are dancing around the living room while others are passed out on various couches. Some people are hanging on everybody, telling them how much they love them, while others are crying. People start skinny-dipping in the hot tub. If it weren’t for the tension that inevitably marks these gatherings, these gatherings would be pretty fun. On the other hand, her gatherings are much more subdued, although not boring. Wine and beer are served to the guests, but no hard alcohol. This makes for much less blatant drunkenness, yet people still have a good time. She has an aunt who is from Panama, so Spanish music is typically playing while her 80-year-old aunt does the rhumba and encourages others to join in. Photo albums are brought out, and everybody catches up with everybody else, because this is the one time of the year when everybody has the chance to see one another. The conversation is lively, and sometimes there are debates, but everybody is respectful to everybody else and there are no real fights that break out. Sometimes a board game is brought out, and all the guests play. In other words, her gatherings are good, clean fun. The other major difference is how everybody gets along. In short, with my family gatherings, there is usually a major fight by the end of the night, whereas, with hers, this is not the case. As I stated above, her gatherings are marked by respectful disagreement about a variety of issues, from politics to interpersonal relationships. Mine, on the other hand, are typically marked by screaming and people storming off. For instance, there is a brother and sister who attend these gatherings who just do not get along. The sister has accused their father of sexually abusing her for years, and her brother hates her for this. The father, sister and brother are all at this gathering, and everybody in the room knows about what is going on between these people. It has been an “open secret” for years. Everybody has also taken sides. Because the family gatherings feature both relatives from my mother’s side and my father’s side, and the father in question is my mother’s relative, there is a clear divide on how people come down on this issue. The squabble usually begins because the brother is openly hostile to the sister, and the father is very domineering. The sister has a small child, and the brother won’t even acknowledge the child, let alone talk to the sister. Yet the father tries to force the brother to be nice to the sister and the child. The brother won’t do it, so the father starts yelling and cursing at the brother. One year, the two got into a fist fight about it. Sometimes the fights are physical, sometimes they are not, but every year, there is some kind of major fight between these two, and, as I said, the guests all take sides. My mother’s family firmly believes that the father did not sexually abuse the daughter, and that the daughter is just sick in the head and making everything up. These people are clearly on the side of the brother, who hates the sister, and they usually defend the brother and speak up for him when the father attacks him. This leads to side fights, as one of my uncles has gotten into the face of the father in question, even though they are brothers themselves. This also leads to pushing and shoving. The point of the matter is that these people take the side of the brother because they, too, hate the sister for making the “false” accusations, so they end up defending the brother, and brawls ensue. Sometimes the brawls break out between members of my father’s family, who think that the father in question really did sexually abuse the daughter, and brawls ensue where these people not only attack the brother, but the father as well. These family members attack the brother for being mean to the sister and her child, and yell at the brother about this. These people also attack the father, for they think that he is a child-molester who rapes his own daughter. Everybody gets into the conflict somehow, and the overall drunkenness in the room does not help the situation. Every year it is the same. I can’t remember a year when there has not been all-out drama with the three at the center of it all, and I wonder why they can’t get it together. I know that the three are welcome to the celebration because they are family, so we can’t really keep them out. But I wonder why they always have to fight. I think it is because Thanksgiving is the only time that the brother and sister see one another, so this is the only time when there is conflict surrounding this situation. I also wonder why everybody else just won’t stay out of it, because nobody else really has a dog in the fight, so to speak. The touchy situation between the three principal players is really between the three of them, although they manage to bring their drama into the family gathering, instead of keeping it behind closed doors like they should. Even so, people should really mind their own business, and the conflict would not get out of hand. While these three being at the gathering ensures drama, they aren’t the only ones who are creating chaos. It seems like just about all the families who gather at this celebration have at least one black-sheep member who shows up and causes problems. Usually it is a brother just sprung from jail or prison, after having landed there for drug abuse. The other siblings in the family typically shun this person, or are openly hostile, and the same situation unfolds, as everybody takes sides. Heated words are exchanged between people who are not a part of this situation, just like in the above situation. I have an uncle, not the one who is described in the above situation, who gets way too friendly with the ladies when he is drunk, and he is usually slapped and cursed out by the end of the evening by somebody. And so it goes – by the end of the night, words are usually said between people, shoving and punching ensue, and my uncle is getting slapped. The sad thing is that I know that next year it will be the same, and the year after that, etc. Nothing will ever change because both sides of the family, my mother’s side and my father’s side, just do not get along and nobody can mind their own business. Plus, it seems that everybody gets drunk, which never helps matters in these situations. Add this to the fact that many of these people have real family dysfunction, between people going to jail for drugs and allegedly molesting daughters, and it is a recipe for disaster. I don’t really know how to help the situation. I can’t keep the people from drinking, and I can’t ask my mother to keep the drama-makers out, because everybody is family, so everybody is welcome. My mother is too weak to control the situation, and my father is usually one of the ones in the middle of the brawls. Therefore, there seems to be no easy answer to the situation, which is frustrating. I have concluded, after reviewing my gatherings and contrasting them with my best friend’s gatherings, that a major contributing factor is drunkenness. Her family does not get drunk. Everybody drinks, yet nobody gets slurringingly drunk. My family gets extremely drunk, and by this, I mean almost everybody at the party gets extremely drunk. Her family also does not seem to have major conflict. Of course, there are issues. Her aunt has a son who spent considerable time in prison, and this son is usually present at the gatherings, while her uncle is too friendly with the women, just like my uncle. She has a cousin who was married to a man whose brother is in prison for child molestation, and this was always a topic of conversation. She has family members who have been diagnosed with mental illness, such as depression, bi-polar disorder and autism. So, her family is far from perfect, yet everybody still gets along. I have concluded it is because everybody is respectful of everybody else, and people back off before all-out war can be declared. Everybody respects everybody else’s boundaries and opinions, and nobody tries to get in anybody’s face. It makes for a pleasant experience for her, and I wish that my family could learn from hers. In the meantime, I might be spending more Thanksgivings with her then with my own family. Read More