Effects of Unresolved Conflict on Marital Satisfaction - Research Paper Example

Running head: For better or worse For Better or Worse Abstract Marriage is one of the most sacred institutions of the Christian life. It is however fraught with various challenges and how the couple deals with such challenges is crucial to the longevity of the marriage. Hence, this paper seeks to determine the effects of unresolved conflicts on marital satisfaction and on the longevity of the marriage. This paper was able to establish that unresolved conflicts create anger, dissatisfaction, pain, hurt, disappointments, and physiological problems for the couple. When these conflicts remain unresolved, they drift further away from each other or they argue more until one or both of them gives up. Unresolved conflicts therefore create marriage dissatisfaction and shorter marriage duration. For Better or Worse Introduction Marriage is one of the most sacred institutions which govern many people’s lives. For some people, it is a life goal which they endeavor to reach and when they reach it, they also endeavor to achieve more goals as married individuals. A good marriage is a work in progress for most people – one that they work hard to improve and to nurture on a daily basis. Most marriages go through daily struggles and challenges and how each couple deals with each challenge often determines the longevity of their marriage. Some couples can easily allow their marriage troubles and conflicts to overwhelm them, and incite them to give up on their marriage. Others may be more willing to ride the tide and solder through the challenges, and eventually come up stronger as individuals and as a married couple. However, the very point of any marriage is seen in the following words – all marriages have their conflicts. This paper shall now discuss the effects of unresolved conflicts on marital satisfaction and longevity. This paper shall draw its discussion from the course subject materials and also from the discussions by other authors and experts on the subject matter. This paper is being undertaken in the hope of coming up with a clearer and more resolved understanding of marriage and its challenges. Discussion The discussion by Tim Clinton sets forth some causes of unresolved conflicts in a marriage. One such major cause is unremitting and unresolved stress which translates to the daily hassles which pile up without a break. These are often seen in the continuous demands of the workplace and the juggling of family life and career. Unresolved stress can “portend negative mental and physical health” (Boyd, 2008, p. 220). In other words, unresolved stress can affect our mental and physical health, causing us to behave in ways which may cause us and our marriage additional stress. Unresolved stress can take a person to the edge – to the breaking point – where a partner can often be forced to suddenly give up and let go of the marriage (McMillan, 1999). An author narrates how Steve, who has been running a successful retail company for 25 years, suddenly decides to sell his business, divorces his wife, places his mother in a retirement home, informs his children to get student loans if they wanted to finish college (McMillan, 1999). According to Steve, for 25 years, he worked 14-16 hour days on his business. And he felt the pressure to provide for his family and to take on the responsibility for his employees. He never got to enjoy his life and was always postponing ‘having fun’ for some vague weekend that never seems to come (McMillan, 1999). In the end, he just came to a realization that it was time to stop making plans and to try to make each of his days a precious experience. In 25 years, he felt the constant pressure of people relying on him, and he was tired of that weight on his back (McMillan, 1999). This is a prime example of unresolved stress and its effects on marriage and its longevity. In Steve’s case, his marriage was able to last long because of unresolved stress – issues which he never discussed with his wife or his children. There did not seem to be a problem in their marriage for 25 years because they did not seem to live the life of a married couple. They spent more time apart – rather than together. In the end, the unresolved stress overflowed and overwhelmed Steve to a point where he just gave everything up. This can happen to any marriage and in some instances it does not take 25 years for stress to overwhelm a marriage. Unresolved conflicts can also take the form of the death of a child. The loss of a child for any couple can create feelings of guilt and, in some cases, blame (Levin, 2009). Most men handle loss differently; some of them do not express their grief and their feelings of loss as expressly or as outwardly as women do. Some of them hardly talk about their feelings with their wives, and this may be seen by the latter as indifference (Levin, 2009). As long as the couple does not speak about the loss, the feelings of guilt and blame remain and will continue to dominate the marriage. Pretty soon, arguments break out between the couple, and they sometimes blame the other for not being more responsible as a parent or for not grieving about the loss of their child (Levin, 2009). Based on statistics, 80% of marriages who experience the loss of a child end up in divorce. Where the couple is supposed to talk to each other and resolve their conflict, they instead allow such conflict to escalate and drive them apart. Festering arguments or unresolved issues between husband and wife can eventually pile up into a mountain which drives the couple apart and later motivate the couple to end their marriage. Lowery (2002, p. 202) discusses that “unresolved conflict is like a malignant cancer that erodes the joy, intimacy, and commitment of your marriage”. Unresolved conflicts prevents the couple from enjoying every moment of their life because there can be underlying meanings to their actions or their words. The simple act of a husband going out to meet his friends can create feelings of jealousy and suspicion in the wife if they have not resolved issues on the husband’s leisure activities with friends. It can make the marriage tense because one may have to watch what he or she says in order not to offend the other or in order not to bring up an unresolved argument (Lowery, 2002). The couple would now be tiptoeing around each other trying to avoid hurting or making the other person angry. The problem with unresolved conflicts is that the couple discusses the source of conflict between them – they argue about it, they spend many hours talking and shouting to each other about their issue, but they never come to an agreement about it. The issue or problem remains an issue (Chapman, 2007). When they get tired discussing or arguing about the issue, they stop discussing it and they come to an unspoken agreement to just let the issue go. However, when one of them would mention something which is emotionally tied to the issue, the argument flares up all over again (Chapman, 2007). Sometimes, the issue is made worse by feelings of guilt. It makes them defensive against the other spouse and triggers them to flare up when confronted. In time, when the issue remains unresolved and the tension between the couple becomes untenable, the husband or wife starts to think that he married the wrong person, that they are incompatible, or that the spouse is trying to put them down (Chapman, 2007). “The more we give such messages to ourselves, the more we believe them and the more hopeless we feel. Such self-talk pushes one away from the marriage” (Chapman, 2007, p. 158). It is perhaps this point in the marriage which unfortunately comes to pass that Ephesians (Chapter 4: 26-27) wants to avoid as it advises: “don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil”. We see the devil work its spell through the unresolved conflict between husband and wife. In the end, if such evil is allowed to linger and to gain a foothold then it defeats the goodness in the marriage. Galatians 5:15 expresses it succinctly when it declares that, “if you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other”. And these constant disputes caused by the unresolved conflicts, end up destroying the very foundations of marriage. Unresolved conflicts are often seen in marriages where the couple is not predisposed to make resolute decisions on the daily activities involving their marriage. The husband may relegate the decision-making to his wife, or vice versa, and when he does not like the way things are going, he may just leave the house to blow off his anger elsewhere (Balswick & Balswick, 2006). Some couples may also be what are termed as yielders, where they both seem to just let the other decide on issues at hand. In this type of relationship, the words, “I don’t care, you decide” may always be heard. After years of this type of relationship, passivity develops between the couple and indeed, the term, “don’t care” becomes a deeper realization. “Years of disappointments, unmet expectations and unresolved conflict lead to emotional alienation” (Balswick & Balswick, 2006, p. 133). The couple now develops feelings of apathy for the other and pretty soon, divorce follows. Unresolved conflicts can also be caused by unrealistic expectations and ‘happily-ever-after’ fantasies. Many individuals go into a marriage with the fantasy that it they would always be happy in it, that they would not experience conflicts of disagreements with their spouses. These are unrealistic expectations. Instead, marriage is rife with conflicts which have to be resolved. Julie Gorman in her book “What I wish my mother told me about marriage,” remarks that she had unrealistic expectations going into her marriage. She discovered that marriage is full of mishaps and conflicts; and a few months into her marriage, she was faced with her husband’s flaws (Gorman, 2007). She further expressed that “because of the excess baggage we brought into our marriage, our relationship was by all earthly measures prone to fail – a disaster waiting to happen” (Gorman, 2007, p. 24). And as she pushed her husband to the edge with all her issues about their marriage – her husband did the same to her. She found out later on while working out her marriage that in order to save her marriage, she had to let go of her expectations – to surrender her dreams, her attitudes, and her life completely to God (Gorman, 2007). Unreasonable expectations often hold back the couple – it forces them to expect for an end goal which no amount of effort on their part would be able to achieve. The resentment between the married couple is often based on what they were not able to achieve and pretty soon it became about what the other has failed to do. This is a major dilemma in the marriage because its goals should be based on what the couple can actually achieve for themselves and for their marriage. Unresolved anger between spouses can create various effects which may be spiritual, emotional, physical, and relational. The bible declares that staying angry extinguishes the light of God in our life – we walk in darkness instead (1John2: 9-11). These are the spiritual effects of anger between the couple, it causes them to live in a dark and heavy atmosphere of anger which they sometimes have trouble getting out of. In short, anger often consumes them, till it finally dominates their demeanor and their every waking moment. As for its emotional effects, unresolved anger often eventually grows into hatred, rage, and bitterness. Anger as discussed by Lester (2003, p. 5) is very destructive and “[i]nstead of love, there is hate; instead of grace, there is punishment; instead of recognition, there is alienation; instead of forgiveness, there is vengeance; instead of healing, there is wounding”. Unresolved anger causes not just short-term damage, but long term damage as well. It destroys our relationships with other people, not just our spouses. The bible advises us instead to “cease from anger, and forsake wrath. Don’t fret, it leads only to evildoing” (Psalm 37:8). The evil results of anger can sometimes overwhelm the couple and it creates a highly volatile marriage where the couple lives in constant tension in each other’s presence. A constant state of unresolved and sometimes unexpressed anger can increase a person’s risk for heart attack and other diseases. “Each episode of anger or hostility sets off a physiological response in your body causing your heart to beat faster, your blood pressure to rise, your coronary arteries to narrow, and your blood to become thicker” (Hightower, 2005, p. 21). The thicker blood can cause the heart to have a difficult time pumping blood, and later, it can reduce blood flow to the heart and to the different parts of the body. This can then be a fatal condition when unresolved by the person (Hightower, 2005). Anger can also cause strokes. It can cause the blood pressure to increase, and to exert pressure on the arterial walls until these walls give out and cause aneurysms (Hightower, 2005). Anger can create different physiological effects like causing the digestive processes to stop and causing damage to the blood vessel walls. Constant stress on these walls can speed up wear and tear on the blood vessels, making the person vulnerable to heart diseases and later to heart attacks and strokes (Hightower, 2005). In a marriage, this unresolved anger can increase the incidents of heart diseases on one or both parties and if persistently unresolved, can eventually cause early death. In terms of its relational effects, anger makes intimacy threatening and it feels better for the couple to remain distant. Unresolved anger often stems from negative emotions within the marriage and it sometimes “match[es] negative statements made by their partner with an equally negative, coercive statement of their own, thus creating an escalating cycle of negativity in their communication (Prager, 1995, p. 275). Eventually, it leaves arguments and issues unresolved between the couple. This unresolved anger and resentment compromises the possibility of intimacy between the couple (Prager, 2005). If they cannot even resolve to talk and not be angry with each other for even the shortest period of time, they can ill afford to be intimate with each other. And as their intimacy crushes any hope of them calmly discussing their issues or of even exchanging simple greetings to each other, the anger then creates more distance between them. According to the Bible, it is important for people to “not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Unwholesome talk is definitely an outlet for unresolved anger and conflicts. In the end, however, these types of talk benefit no one – not even themselves. Unresolved conflicts can also take the form of negative thinking. Anger and conflicts often lead to negative thoughts about the partner which eventually clouds the couple’s relationship. Conflicts can often lead to feelings of despondency. In time, when these feelings are not resolved, people become negative in their thinking and become difficult to live with (Covalt, 2007). This can eventually take a serious toll on marriages. It can drain the couple’s joy in being with each other and in being married to each other. Again, the path to divorce or separation is built. Negative thinking also builds suspicion and distrust between the couple, causing them to question every little action or decision a person makes. At the beginning of the marriage, or even during the courtship stage of a couple’s relationship, almost everything a person says is interpreted in a positive light (Smalley Relationship Center, 2003). At this stage, neither one can do any wrong; even moments of unpleasantness are interpreted in a positive and light-hearted manner. There is a perfect image of the spouse in a person’s mind. However, when the marriage encounters any hiccups or bumps, the disappointments, negative behavior and unpleasantness cause changes in a person’s perspective (Smalley Relationship Center, 2003). The attitude now shifts from the “can do no wrong” to fault-finding or “not doing anything right.” At this point, much of what the other person says is interpreted in a negative light. “The bottom line is that when the relationship runs into persistent problems, we have a tendency to switch “lenses” and see our partner differently – negatively” (Smalley Relationship Center, 2003). The problem with seeing things in a negative light is that the couple tends to only see and hear what each believes is true, even if there is not a grain of truth in it. Moreover, the evidence of ‘truth’ is seen in what the other person says or does (Smalley Relationship Center, 2003). Even if there is no proof to support a person’s beliefs, the other person’s words and actions can be twisted and deliberately misinterpreted to fuel a person’s belief. Negative thinking also tends to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If individuals have an expectation about a partner, this makes them act in a certain way towards the other partner. This type of behavior then causes the partner to act in a way which matches the other person’s expectations (Smalley Relationship Center, 2003). So when a wife would keep calling her husband a liar, and treats her husband as a liar – never believing in what her husband says, the husband can eventually just lie about his actions and decisions. He knows that even if he tells the truth, his wife would not believe him, so he might as well lie – fulfilling the wife’s belief that he is indeed a liar. Negative thinking also creates an atmosphere of learned hopelessness. “When negative thinking consistently invades the relationship, it produces an environment of hopelessness and demoralization” (Smalley Relationship Center, 2003). The partner who is always thought of in a negative light becomes demoralized and eventually loses motivation and action. There is a negative bias created over one’s spouse when negative thinking is allowed to permeate the marriage. Eventually, this negative thinking develops to continuous instances of suspicion –further causing arguments and draining the marriage of any sense of intimacy and closeness. There is an anger and negative buildup over time until the partners assign bad motives and intentions to the mate. In time, confirmation bias sets in and there is a selective perception which points out the bad and ignores the good. According to Romans 14:14, “as one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinces that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean”. In this case, no amount of proof which would dispel him from his insistent beliefs and from fully standing by his negative bias and negative thinking. Unresolved conflicts can also cause drifting between the husband and wife. The couple may stop arguing all together and then resolve to just live with each other – not discussing what has hurt or angered them. Coates & Lacrosse (2003) describe how some people suddenly wake up one morning and look over at their spouse and not feel any sense of attachment to them. For some people it may be akin to living with a roommate. The arguments have died down, but the issues remain unresolved by the couple; and no one is talking anymore. “It appears as though [they] have drifted away from each other. There is little sense of connection, but there is still caring” (Coates & Lacrosse, 2003, p. 85). In essence, the couple has stopped communicating with each other. Eventually, one or the other decides to leave and the marriage is decidedly ended. Conclusion Unresolved conflicts have a multitude of effects on marital satisfaction and longevity. These conflicts cause anger, stress, physiological effects, constant arguments, and a sense of hopelessness between the husband and the wife. These effects can later cause disappointments in the marriage; and it can also cause much pain and distress in the marriage, eventually resulting to the couple of drifting apart from each other without a trace of intimacy or care. Unresolved conflicts can cause marital dissatisfaction and can shorten the marriage. For the marriages who allow these conflicts to remain unresolved, the marriage can sooner or later be lost to them. For others who allow changes in their lives, their opinions, and their attitudes, they have much hope of reviving their marriage. The Bible speaks much of unresolved conflicts and how these conflicts should not be allowed to dominate a couple’s life. And only as the couple learns to surrender their life and their marriage to a greater purpose can their marriage endure. Works Cited 1John2: 9-11 Balswick, J. & Balswick, J. (2006) A Model for Marriage: Covenant, Grace, Empowerment And Intimacy. Illinois: Intervarsity Press Boyd, M. (2008) Psychiatric nursing: contemporary practice. Pennsylvania: Lippincott Williams & Wilkins Chapman, G. (2007) Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy. Tennessee: B & H Publishing Group Coates, C. & LaCrosse, R. (2003) Learning from divorce: how to take responsibility, stop the blame, move on. California: Jossey-Bass Covalt, P. (2007) What Smart Couples Know: The Secret to a Happy Relationship. New York: AMACOM Ephesians 4: 26-27 Ephesians 4:29. Galatians 5:15 Gorman, J. (2007) What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me about Marriage. Oklahoma: Tate Publishing Hightower, N. (2005) Anger busting 101: the new ABC's for angry men and the women who love them. Texas: Bayou Publishing Levin, H. (2009) The Butterfly on My Shoulder: A Grief Journey of Love and Growth to Inspire healing. Alabama: AuthorHouse Lester, A. (2003) The angry Christian: a theology for care and counseling. Kentucky: John Knox Press Lowery, F. (2002) Covenant Marriage: Staying Together for Life. New York: Howard Publishing Co McMillan, L. (1999) Unresolved Stress: The Storm Behind the Calm. Find Articles Retrieved July 20, 2010, from http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0826/is_2_15/ai_54145943/ Prager, K. (1995) The Psychology of Intimacy. New York: Guilford Press Psalm 37:8, King James Version Psalm 37:8, King James Version Romans 14: 14, King James Version Romans 14:14, King James Version Smalley Relationship Center (2003) The Destructive Cycle of Negative Thinking. Crosswalk. 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