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Commentaries for Same Group Members' Polished Thesis Draft - Essay Example

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Instead it is better to start with the general aspects of the topic Ramakrishna and the Homoerotically charged or X Child. The biography part can be incorporated into the…
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Commentaries for Same Group Members Polished Thesis Draft
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Commentary – Ramakrishna In the introduction part it is not good to start with a general idea about the biography of Sri Ramakrishna. Instead it is better to start with the general aspects of the topic Ramakrishna and the Homoerotically charged or X Child. The biography part can be incorporated into the first part of the main body of the paper.
Most of the paragraphs require headings and sub-headings, such as the part discussing the close interaction between Ramakrishna and Vivekananda require heads.
The in-text referencing style is not properly used in the entire paper. Also there is no reference or bibliography list of references at the end of the paper.
There is no similarity between the lengths of paragraphs used in the paper. some of the paragraphs can be joined with others, like the first few paragraphs can be joined to discuss about the disciples of Ramakrishna.
Also Brief Summary of Kripal’s book – this head is not good to use in a paper. Rather what can be used is how Kripal’s book and comments made in the book on the topic of discussion is related to the paper.
Although several quotes have been used in the paper, but it is also important to discuss briefly the inner meaning of these quotes, these are not provided sufficiently in the paper. For instance, Atmajnanananda’s remark on Kripal’s thought has not been properly discussed in the paper.
And finally, it is very difficult again to understand the research objective of this paper. Use 100-150 words to discuss about the aim of the research.
Commentary – Komeito
It is unsuitable to use the sentence “This paper discusses the relationship between the religious organization Soka Gakkai and Komeito, a Japanese political party…” in the beginning of the abstract. Rather the brief idea about the topic and its importance can be provided in the abstract first followed by the sentence.
The in-text referencing style is not properly used in the entire paper. Also there is no proper reference or bibliography list of references at the end of the paper. In the reference list short description of books or journal papers or websites are not required.
There is no clear indication in the paper regarding the starting of the Introduction and the end of the Abstract.
The head “Nichiren” is not a good way of making heads in a paper. Instead the head “Nichiren’s views and Buddhism” can be used as the head.
There should be well-structured purpose of the research in the paper which can be described by the Thesis Statement which is again missing in the paper.
There is lack of sub heads in the paper.
The sentence “According to Erica Baffelli, in her article...” can be replaced as “Erica Baffelli (year), in his article, has opined that…”.
The section “Soka Gakkai and Komeito: 1970-present” is too long period. This period can be distributed into different time phases in terms of importance of Soka Gakkai and Komeito in the religious structure of the country.
It has been written in the paper that “One national, 13 regional and 47 prefectural Councils on Social Affairs determine the Soka Gakkai’s endorsements”, however the importance of this determination is not clear from following discussions.
Again “Komeito’s newspaper” is not a proper referencing style. Give the date and place of publication. Read More
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